(Men 30/35 +) whats stops you from cold approaching? An honest conversation

[Gamisch]

Lets have an honest conversation about this.

We all have internal blockades that stop us from pursuing the things we really want out of life. One mayor thing is obviously cold approach. (Or I should say, talking to women)

When i was younger and dumber, living on a bigger city in a completely different dating environment, I used to cold approach like it was a sport. Rejection didn't reallly matter, me and my wingman would make a contest out of it. It was a fun time, and we would push one another to get as many numbers as possible.

Now,like any skill you pick up young ,the technique will stay within you forever. Although you'll get rusty, if needed there's still tons of experience to fall back on.
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Fast forward to today . I have to be honest; fear got the best of me. Here are some of the copes/reasons/excuses I use to stay away from cold approaching;

1. fear of rejection and embarrassment .
2. Laziness due OLD.
3.living in a small town(excuses!!)
4. Getting older (end 30)
5. Obviously burned by previous relationships where I was as bluepilled as it gets
6.been with more than x number of women, so I'm "good"( which I'm NOT)
7. The high horse syndrome (feeling like I dont wanna "lower" myself and that women should be able to tell I am a catch ir some bs like that)



I am TIRED of these internalized excuses. Latley I keep telling myself this: " so WHAT if you get a certain reputation? Its better to have a bad rep than no reputation at all! What fecking reputation? I aint that important to the world. When i am gone I'm gone. Might as well go out with a bang( pun intended). So WHAT if I get rejected?


I wanna inspire other men, but ESPECIALLY myself to get over these newly formed fears. Ill keep y'all updated how I'll go about this.

What are your fears ect that keep you from approaching women? And how did you get over them?

 

[Gamisch]

Let me start by posting one inspirational kinda post already.

If a woman rejected you, she'll still have more respect for you than when you never approached her. If she doesn't know you, there's also nothing to feel about you. Untill you actually tried to get with her, you obviously don't exist to her.

Between the two of you there might still be male /female sexual mutual respect. You just acknowledge her attractiveness. That's it. Your approach is a HUGE compliment to her.

From that pov (glass half full) approaching a woman is like giving away mental gifts. Glass half empty= giving her a ego boost. So what if she gets a ego boost? What does it cost you?

 

[Gamisch]

Another one; so you dont approach women. You swipe until you get arthritis in your index finger with no results. You finally get a match 3 points underneath your own SMV, and she makes your life a living nightmare.

Meanhwile you get older. Suddenly you are 60, lost your looks and physique and maybe sexdrive. Few years later you die, thinking about all the shyte you didn't do.

Might as well dgaf and go after the thing you really want. Rejections won't hurt as much as unfulfilled dreams and desires.

 

[Redwood]

Burned and still in the recovery stage. Doesn't stop the game though.

 

[CornbreadFed]

1). Because there's better alternatives than looking like a fool in public. In addition, I don't like dressing up to go the store, gym, food, and etc. If you want to cold approach then you have to always leave your place well-groomed and presentable.

2). The quality is not 10 times better based on my experience. There were 3 women at the local grocery store recently that caught my eye and looked approachable. The first one, we just so happened to be leaving together and this seemingly presentable lady got into a beat-up Nissan Rogue with dents and expired tags from a year ago. The second woman, I happen to pass again while walking to the freezing section was looking at plan B pills & pregnancy tests. She didn't look like a slut to me at first glance. The third woman was cute and got into a trashed up old roadie car with some post Malone looking guy smoking a vape in the passenger seat. I could've number closed on all of these women and walked away and not knew any of this at all. Last, this grocery store is a model store in one of the most expensive parts of the city; not some rinky dink piggly wiggly.

3). I think most people are idiots and interacting with the NPCs drains me.

4). Also, I grew up low smv because I was a mixed kid in a super white town, and that killed my foundational confidence. No matter how much money I have or how much I lookmax, I will never have confidence.

Nonetheless, the apps and social circles work for me, so

 

[Gamisch]

Finding your inner wingman

This may sound a bit crazy, but lately I am experimenting with having a imaginary wingman. Kinda like fightclub style. A cool Brad pitt dude that doesn't give a F and downplays all these fears.

The irony is that even when you say that's crazy and schizophrenic, so is that voice inside your head that stops you from approaching women! " nah she won't talk to you. Nah she wont like your (fill in __race/height /style__). Nah she probably has a bf. Nah she is stuck up" ect ect.

No one will come to save you. Sometimes you gotta be your own inspirational voice and pick yourself up and GO.

This one is kinda cloudy and odd I know. But my imaginary wingman is Patrice O'neal. A man that doesn't give a F, loves women more than anything and will die anyway. I also love to have Tyler Durden as a fictional wingman.

 

[savi0r]

When i was young, i was skinny, had a sept deviation on my nose wich looked bad, not the best head of hair, smoking, low money, introvert, etc. All the bad things. I was an ok dude, smart guy,but still, low end. As time passed, i had a nose surgery, got to the gym (currently at 222 lbs), i am 6" tall, a good business and side projects, made a hair transplant, stopped smoking, etc. Had a really good looking girlfriend, 21 years old, from 32 till 36, my age now and one before that, same age. What i want to say is this: even though i have greatly improved myself, i still have shadows of the past hunting me. I still see myself as that skinny ugly kid not worth of any good looking woman. On top of that, for sure i have fear of rejection and where i live is a small city, so i dont want to get my ego hurt and others making fun of me. Childish things, i know. But this summer i am commited to try.

 

[Gamisch]

1). Because there's better alternatives than looking like a fool in public. In addition, I don't like dressing up to go the store, gym, food, and etc. If you want to cold approach then you have to always leave your place well-groomed and presentable.

2). The quality is not 10 times better based on my experience. There were 3 women at the local grocery store recently that caught my eye and looked approachable. The first one, we just so happened to be leaving together and this seemingly presentable lady got into a beat-up Nissan Rogue with dents and expired tags from a year ago. The second woman, I happen to pass again while walking to the freezing section was looking at plan B pills & pregnancy tests. She didn't look like a slut to me at first glance. The third woman was cute and got into a trashed up old roadie car with some post Malone looking guy smoking a vape in the passenger seat. I could've number closed on all of these women and walked away and not knew any of this at all. Last, this grocery store is a model store in one of the most expensive parts of the city; not some rinky dink piggly wiggly.

3). I think most people are idiots and interacting with the NPCs drains me.

Nonetheless, the apps and social circles work for me, so

Your last sentence makes you an exception to the rule tbh.

Most men dont have social circles and OLD doesn't work neither. OLD will give such bad results for most men that the have to watch out they're not defining insanity ( doing the same thing over and over while it doesn't work AND meanwhile time is slipping away from them).

 

[Gamisch]

When i was young, i was skinny, had a sept deviation on my nose wich looked bad, not the best head of hair, smoking, low money, introvert, etc. All the bad things. I was an ok dude, smart guy,but still, low end. As time passed, i had a nose surgery, got to the gym (currently at 222 lbs), i am 6" tall, a good business and side projects, made a hair transplant, stopped smoking, etc. Had a really good looking girlfriend, 21 years old, from 32 till 36, my age now and one before that, same age. What i want to say is this: even though i have greatly improved myself, i still have shadows of the past hunting me. I still see myself as that skinny ugly kid not worth of any good looking woman. On top of that, for sure i have fear of rejection and where i live is a small city, so i dont want to get my ego hurt and others making fun of me. Childish things, i know. But this summer i am commited to try.

Nice response. I see a lotta similarities with my situation,especially the small town and the hardwired believes that you wouldn't be good enough despite becoming a completely different person! One that the old you could only dream of, YET the old you seems to have a hold on you and your self image. Kinda unfair from the old you to sabotage the New You like this.

That's why I asked the question;What is the worst thing that can happen when you do become a more suave type of men? Men might hate on you because you show BALLS, and women might get curious about you because you show BALLS.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Your last sentence makes you an exception to the rule tbh.

Most men dont have social circles and OLD doesn't work neither. OLD will give such bad results for most men that the have watch out they're not defining insanity ( doing the same thing over and over while it doesn't work AND meanwhile time is slipping away from them).

What I do not get is how can you be bad at OLD but somehow exceptional at cold approaching?

 

[Barrister]

I agree with your list.

With one exception. Having lived in a small town (pop. 9000), I can tell you that you can quickly develop a reputation if you try to approach multiple women within said town. I moved to a small metro soon after my divorce (pop. 150000) and never had a problem thereafter, but for the first 9 months after my divorce I was approaching women in town. I slept with a few of them, but the issue was there being very limited amounts of venues to approach, I quickly saw that a "poisoning of the well" could happen if you were only going to be going after women for sex in a small town. You can turn into that guy very quickly. Add in the fact that the town had a heavy religious background to it.

I shifted gears thereafter and began going elsewhere to meet women even before I moved. So there is a solution even if you are in a small town or rural area. But is IS a legitimate concern.

 

[Gamisch]

What I do not get is how can you be bad at OLD but somehow exceptional at cold approaching?

Let me return the question;How does one become "good at OLD"?

There are numerous threads now about how bad OLD is. And these threads are not made by gut feeling , they're made due tons and tons of experiment and experience. Thats why I said yesterday, OLD to me (this thread was an attempt to have a HONEST conversation) is like chasing a dragon; chasing a promise that will never happen .

I can summon @SW15 and let him regurgitate the statistics we all heard about so often.

Back to your statement; so you make a profile, get some great outfits (assuming you dont have that already), get a professional photoshoot . You even travel and do all kinds of "exiting " activities to make you look better. You get a diamond membership and fill in a bio as good as possible. How can you "get good" at OLD? All these things are passive rather than active.

On the other hand, approach and the results are ALSO judged by its effectiveness. Ime meeting woman in real life gives you the advantage of;
- using your mouthpiece
-giving a woman a small window to decide
-it shows how you carry yourself
-you can go by their ioi and use that as leverage

All things you CAN have influence over.

 

[Gamisch]

I agree with your list.

With one exception. Having lived in a small town (pop. 9000), I can tell you that you can quickly develop a reputation if you try to approach multiple women within said town. I moved to a small metro soon after my divorce (pop. 150000) and never had a problem thereafter, but for the first 9 months after my divorce I was approaching women in town. I slept with a few of them, but the issue was there being very limited amounts of venues to approach, I quickly saw that a "poisoning of the well" could happen if you were only going to be going after women for sex in a small town. You can turn into that guy very quickly. Add in the fact that the town had a heavy religious background to it.

I shifted gears thereafter and began going elsewhere to meet women even before I moved. So there is a solution even if you are in a small town or rural area. But is IS a legitimate concern.

Yeah, that what I'm discussing with myself lately. As i stated, I live in a small town. Its hard to compare the definition of small town here with a small town in the States, but at the end of the day 70k people = 70 k people.

I didn't grew up here, and I still see plenty of women I've never seen before on a daily base. Makes me wonder if I'm maybe wrong about my assumption that a bad reputation is that bad. But I have to agree its new territory and I am not familiar with the possible consequences.

Now "group of women x" doesn't know I exist. If i happen to approach two or more women from that particular group,they'll say I'm a player. The earth keeps spinning and at worst I'll have similar results; no women. At best I get 1 or more women from that group.

To be clear; it happens to me already. Everyone who grew up here knows everyone. Yet, especially women dgaf and date multiple men from the same group if necessary.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Let me return the question;How does one become "good at OLD"?

There are numerous threads now about how bad OLD is. And these threads are not made by gut feeling , they're made due tons and tons of experiment and experience. Thats why I said yesterday, OLD to me (this thread was an attempt to have a HONEST conversation) is like chasing a dragon; chasing a promise that will never happen .

1). Logistics- You need to live in a thriving metro city in a popular spot
2). Pictures- Have decent pictures
3). Learn the Logarithm/how shadow bans/bans work
4). Be communicative, being passive and silent makes you appear like a Tinder Swindler or American Psycho

On the other hand, approach and the results are ALSO judged by its effectiveness. Ime meeting woman in real life gives you the advantage of;
- using your mouthpiece
-giving a woman a small window to decide
-it shows how you carry yourself
-you can go by their ioi and use that as leverage

All things you CAN have influence over.

Yeah, but the energy expenditure and potential humiliation is high enough to where the cons outweigh the pros. I get paid decent money to talk to strangers and there's no way in hell I would willingly do it during my free time. I would assume you are getting 1 out of 50 times on a cold approach, so how is dealing with rejection on an app worse?

 

[Barrister]

Yeah, that what I'm discussing with myself lately. As i stated, I live in a small town. Its hard to compare the definition of small town here with a small town in the States, but at the end of the day 70k people = 70 k people.

I didn't grew up here, and I still see plenty of women I've never seen before on a daily base. Make me wonder if I'm maybe wrong about my assumption that a bad reputation is that bad. But I have to agree its new territory and I am not familiar with the possible consequences.

Now "group of women x" doesn't know I exist. If i happen to approach two or more women from that particular group,they'll say I'm a player. The earth keeps spinning and at worst I'll have similar results; no women. At best I get 1 or more women from that group.

To be clear; it happens to me already. Everyone who grew up here knows everyone. Especially women dgaf and date multiple men from the same group if necessary.

70k is a lot different than 9k.

That said, you are kind of on the cusp where you could experience some of that. Certain venues will have the same people in them routinely that you could run into at 70k. Overall, you should be fine in a place that size population-wise.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Better results in swipe apps than cold approach. I dont care if its the exception to the rule

 

[Gamisch]

1). Logistics- You need to live in a thriving metro city in a popular spot
2). Pictures- Have decent pictures
3). Learn the Logarithm/how shadow bans/bans work
4). Be communicative, being passive and silent makes you appear like a Tinder Swindler or American Psycho



Yeah, but the energy expenditure and potential humiliation is high enough to where the cons outweigh the pros. I get paid decent money to talk to strangers and there's no way in hell I would willingly do it during my free time.

1. Is already arguably where things end for a man like me. I went through hell and back in life and finally settled in a smallish town.

My hometown is big, but it also means its impossible to get a decent house anytime soon. The waiting list to get a house on rent is 12+years!

4. Can also apply to real life encounters. Basically 4 is the reason why i made this thread in the first place!

Look, when you swipe right on everything but you dont get the results you want, it becomes a stalemate like situation. Meaning you have to do something else, because waiting ,wishing and praying only gets you so far. There is also tons of humiliation to be found in being passive and not getting results..its humiliating to match with subpar women 3/5 points underneath your SMV all the time and creating a reality where there are no decent women in your scope.


I do appreciate your advice though, as " getting good at OLD " is a separate topic that deserves his own thread.

@Barrister my bad i thought you meant 90k. I agree that 9k is a number and town where there's very little wiggle room.

 

[Jesse Pinkman]

My biggest setback has been routine/life and just now realizing how many toxic influences I had in my life when I was doing game, namely my wingmen.

For routine and life, I dealt with being sick a lot of May due to a nasty bug going around. I also got sick for over a week last year which threw a lot of things off. It becomes tough to get back into it after all of that.

That is not the worst of it. I just realized how toxic my wingmen I met from PUA Groups are and also how utterly useless as well. Most of them just b1tch and moan about the local market and complain about how other men are meeting women. Then when they do approach, it is the same old spamming women like morons and then getting mad at you for "not taking action" like the idiots they are.

Outside of that, I had a lot of good momentum going.

 

[SW15]

I'll mention the factor I see that demotivate 30+ men from approaching strangers.

1. 30+ unattached men often have male friends that fall into at least one of the following groups. This gets worse with men 35-44.

• in multi-year LTR
• married
• married with children
• have children

The male friends that are in at least one of these categories are not going to go to a bar to serve as a wingman for their unattached friend. Typically, these male friends don't want to do that. Even if they did want to do it, they don't have to do it.

The unattached 30+ guy often has to choose between going solo to nightlife venues or focusing on another form of game (swipe apps, daygame, social media DMs). Most 30+ guys in this situation choose swipe apps. I chose daygame for the most part.

2. Bar approaching is time consuming, can require late nights, and alcohol. It is also better for extroverted personality types. Some men can't deal with this effectively. There are ways to deal with it.

3. Approaching strangers in non-bar settings while sober is difficult to do. There are men that don't have the courage to do that. The legitimate fear of rejection is a part of it.

4. Approaching strangers in non-bar settings has a low success rate. It isn't very efficient even when it is effective. It is very time consuming. Some men don't have enough time to dedicate to daygaming.

5. With aging, there are sometimes orthopedic problems that can affect gaming options. Some men have hip, knee, or back issues that would rule out some daygaming type options or co-ed sports league participation. It is difficult to predict when these will happen.

6. The men live in an area with too small of a population. If you're 25+ and unattached, you typically need to live in a metro area with 150,000+ in order to have a decent chance with gaming.

There are other ones I can't think of right now, but the ones I've listed are the bigger ones.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

It's a good list. What it comes down to is that they are all excuses, especially age.

I said in another thread but I've gotten more women between 30-35 than I did between 18-29. Maturity for a man is such a plus. And it only comes with age->experience.

What matters is that you know those are excuses and are not trying to convince yourself. The next step is to get past the excuses and turn it around and make them incentives/goals.