Now I Know How Military Husbands Feel

[logicallefty]

I came to Florida to visit my mother for a while as she has some health issues and needed some assistance. While I was out of town my wife decides to behave like a single girl again. She went out to a bar to see a local band we follow, which is something she does without me sometimes since I work a lot. No big deal on just going without me. Long story short she runs into this woman from my past who has allegedly had a major crush on me for years, but we have never dated. We have been friends only. Her and my wife got into it I guess after a conversation started about me. The friend from the past said "Honestly, I didn't even know you guys were still together. Your wife was not wearing a wedding ring, she had really s|uty cloths on, and she was hanging all over this one guy and flurting with several others". The one guy is a guy who has openly said he likes her, but has acknowledged she is married to me. I asked one of the band members to get another perspective. He couldn't remember the wedding ring part, but he did confirm what she was wearing and said she was being very "sociable" that night with several men. The story is she wasn't making out or fvcking, that anyone saw, but she was clearly behaving like a single girl and getting lots of attention from men. Throw into the pile that she has also removed an app we mutually had on our phones to see each other's locations, that she originally wanted. I finally confronted her on all this. We got into a big fight over text, and now she is telling me she wants a divorce. She said I am too controlling and she doesn't like not being able to do what she wants. Plus she said "You are gone too much". She had given me her blessing to leave town to take care of my mom. Mind you, I have always told her "Go out without me, it wouldn't be fair of me to tell you you couldn't. " I had no idea she would behave like this. The obviously thinks that me being 800 miles away makes this OK. She has no idea how many people I know who will report stuff back to me. We have only been married for two years. Now I know what the military guys go through. Not sure what she is going to do now, or what I am going to do. I am still out of town.

 

[Pandora]

This is sad Lefty. You are a respected member of our community so this is not cool to hear. What was her past like if you dont mind sharing? Was she acting cold the last year of the marriage?

I had a best friend who was in the Navy. When he went on deployment his wife was doing the same stuff. She even called me and offered me to come " sleep on the couch". He came back to the USA and his house was a mess. She claimed domestic abuse and he got honrably discharged ( or something like that).

Modern women are addicted to attention. Its like how men are addicted to porn. Being a good wife is hard work. Women dont like hard work.

Let her divorce you. I promise in 5 yrs her life will be worse without you. She will regret 100%.

 

[SW15]

I empathize here. This is a tough situation. You deserve all of our support as a community in what is going to be a difficult time for you going forward. Now

Long story short she runs into this woman from my past who has allegedly had a major crush on me for years, but we have never dated. We have been friends only. Her and my wife got into it I guess after a conversation started about me. The friend from the past said "Honestly, I didn't even know you guys were still together. Your wife was not wearing a wedding ring, she had really s|uty cloths on, and she was hanging all over this one guy and flurting with several others". The one guy is a guy who has openly said he likes her, but has acknowledged she is married to me. I asked one of the band members to get another perspective. He couldn't remember the wedding ring part, but he did confirm what she was wearing and said she was being very "sociable" that night with several men. The story is she wasn't making out or fvcking, that anyone saw, but she was clearly behaving like a single girl and getting lots of attention from men.

This is a symptom of a larger disease. The disease is traditional monogamous marriage and longer term relationships. I've said for a long time that monogamous relationships have a shelf life of goodness of 5 years in most cases, regardless of how long they last beyond 5 years or if they break up prior to 5 years.

She was acting in the way she was acting due to general dissatisfaction with your relationship. The next quote shows the general dissatisfaction.

The only somewhat abnormal thing about this interaction is that it occurred with a woman in her late 40s. This is not the sort of behavior expected out of a woman that old.

Throw into the pile that she has also removed an app we mutually had on our phones to see each other's locations, that she originally wanted. I finally confronted her on all this. We got into a big fight over text, and now she is telling me she wants a divorce. She said I am too controlling and she doesn't like not being able to do what she wants. Plus she said "You are gone too much".

We have only been married for two years. Now I know what the military guys go through. Not sure what she is going to do now, or what I am going to do. I am still out of town.

This relationship failed faster than most. 2 years marriage and likely no more than 5 years of total relationship time, though there were decades of social circle history. You are not in a major city but in a smaller area. In major cities, stuff doesn't go down like this because people who find themselves single at age 30+ in major cities tend to have weak social circles and don't date within pre-existing social circles.

This relationship is not salvageable in any way.

A fight over text is complete bullshiit too. If there's going to be a long distance fight, it better be over the phone or on a video call. Text is the weakest form of communication. You two are late 40s people. I'd expect more out of Gen X'ers who didn't grow up with technology. Fighting over text is a Millennial or Zoomer non-productive way to do things.

 

[DreamAgain]

Damn, sorry to hear this. Hoes gonna hoe.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Wtf. I thought you guys were rock solid. Im sorry bro.

Have you been married before? You are 48. How old is she? Loos like she is already past the party the years, the epiphany phase, and now wants the "Eat, pray love" phase.

There are a bunch of red flags in what you just posted:

1.- Going without you. By itself not a red flag or a big deal, but when considering the other stuff, yes it may be considered a red flag.
B.- Not wearing the ring
3.- Slutty clothes
D.- Flirting and attention whoring
5.- Removing the app. Like #1, in isolation maybe not a red flag or a big deal, but with the other stuff, different story.

It is improbable that all these red flags appeared overnight all at once, but it could be possible. Maybe some of them were showing a bit earlier and maybe you missed them or ignored them or downplayed them?

She accused you of being too controlling. Typical female behavior, shes the one at fault and is turning it around on you, you are the bad guy.

She said you are gone too much. But you are working on doing something important. Its not like you are partying with friends.

Now, I think this is the most important bit: She said she wants a divorce. If she said it verbally, it is possible she has been thinking about this and feeling this way for a while.

Bottom line is this: Because she said she wants a divorce, If you stay in the marriage, she will never respect you.

 

[logicallefty]

Thanks guys. I am still trying to take this all in. Texted her and told her I was calling her after work tonight, and she said OK.

 

[The Duke]

Sorry to hear about this @logicallefty, I feel your pain.

I remember when my ex wife started pulling schitt like this.

You're a smart guy and there are some solid dudes on this forum that support you.

If she wants a divorce, give it to her. And run a credit check on her to see if she has any accounts hidden from you.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Really sorry to hear this, man.

Sounds like she prefers to run the streets. She probably never wanted to be “kept” as a wife to begin with.

Hope things work out the best for you. We’re pulling for you!

 

[Barrister]

Thanks guys. I am still trying to take this all in. Texted her and told her I was calling her after work tonight, and she said OK.

If she is saying she wants a divorce there is a very high likelihood she has already consulted with an attorney. I would get on the phone soon with one.

All that aside, sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It sucks - but like @Howiestern if she is taking this stance the only thing you can do is agree and amplify: give her the divorce and begin completely cutting her out of your life. I assume you don't have children with her so this shouldn't be as bad as if you did. Doesn't mean it will be easy though.

Good luck, brother.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Sorrry to har this and yeah I agree with @SW15 .
Texting about these serious things/matters are complete bullshiete. You need and must use real phone calls or what until you are face 2 face with the person. anything else is bound to fail.

 

[MtmVaott]

I'm sorry man.
I remember what you wrote about your wife's past. She never chose you.
She could have tried to talk to you about every aspect she mentioned. Instead, she tested the waters.
It's good it came out this way. Now you know.

Bottom line is this: Because she said she wants a divorce, If you stay in the marriage, she will never respect you.

This is the sad truth.

 

[HaleyBaron]

I'll refrain from commenting cause you're a mod and you'll likely abuse your powers cause what I would say will anger you enough to do something about it. To me and not your wife. Cause left mindsets and all.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I'll refrain from commenting cause you're a mod and you'll likely abuse your powers cause what I would say will anger you enough to do something about it. To me and not your wife. Cause left mindsets and all.

Really weak, self pittying, attention seeking, passive aggressive reply.

Are you okay bro? Have you had a bad day?

 

[bmp2cpm]

logicallefty,

I have only great respect for you.

I give this advice as someone who stayed in a bad marriage for 17 years.

Clearly, the emotional connection has ended and your wife is putting out the feelers to branch swing. Also, your wife really wants to sleep with the band member.

End this now, divorce and reflect how you got here. You are too good for her.

Oh and make the moves and sleep with that other girl. She respects you. You wife does not and you can never regain the connection or trust you once had. At this point it would not even be cheating after what your wife did.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I came to Florida to visit my mother for a while as she has some health issues and needed some assistance. While I was out of town my wife decides to behave like a single girl again. She went out to a bar to see a local band we follow, which is something she does without me sometimes since I work a lot. No big deal on just going without me. Long story short she runs into this woman from my past who has allegedly had a major crush on me for years, but we have never dated. We have been friends only. Her and my wife got into it I guess after a conversation started about me. The friend from the past said "Honestly, I didn't even know you guys were still together. Your wife was not wearing a wedding ring, she had really s|uty cloths on, and she was hanging all over this one guy and flurting with several others". The one guy is a guy who has openly said he likes her, but has acknowledged she is married to me. I asked one of the band members to get another perspective. He couldn't remember the wedding ring part, but he did confirm what she was wearing and said she was being very "sociable" that night with several men. The story is she wasn't making out or fvcking, that anyone saw, but she was clearly behaving like a single girl and getting lots of attention from men. Throw into the pile that she has also removed an app we mutually had on our phones to see each other's locations, that she originally wanted. I finally confronted her on all this. We got into a big fight over text, and now she is telling me she wants a divorce. She said I am too controlling and she doesn't like not being able to do what she wants. Plus she said "You are gone too much". She had given me her blessing to leave town to take care of my mom. Mind you, I have always told her "Go out without me, it wouldn't be fair of me to tell you you couldn't. " I had no idea she would behave like this. The obviously thinks that me being 800 miles away makes this OK. She has no idea how many people I know who will report stuff back to me. We have only been married for two years. Now I know what the military guys go through. Not sure what she is going to do now, or what I am going to do. I am still out of town.

Sucks man. Wish you all the best.

 

[SW15]

Sorrry to har this and yeah I agree with @SW15 .
Texting about these serious things/matters are complete bullshiete. You need and must use real phone calls or what until you are face 2 face with the person. anything else is bound to fail.

The relationship was going to fail regardless of whether this argument was done via phone call, video call, or text message. From a process standpoint, it's always best to have conversations that involve feelings on the phone, via video, or in-person. Texting is best for simple logistics.

If she is saying she wants a divorce there is a very high likelihood she has already consulted with an attorney. I would get on the phone soon with one.

I agree that contacting an attorney is a necessary step right now.

 

[HaleyBaron]

Really weak, self pittying, attention seeking, passive aggressive reply.

Are you okay bro? Have you had a bad day?

I've dealt with lefty before. I know what to expect. I'm generally only laughing at the topic. I know what I can say and how he will react. I don't care what you think of my reply.

 

[Barrister]

I've dealt with lefty before. I know what to expect. I'm generally only laughing at the topic. I know what I can say and how he will react. I don't care what you think of my reply.

You aren't putting yourself in a good light in this thread thus far. Not sure what your past dealings were with him, but this isn't the time to air out your grievances. I would think that would go without saying - but apparently not.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I've dealt with lefty before. I know what to expect. I'm generally only laughing at the topic. I know what I can say and how he will react. I don't care what you think of my reply.

Okay you do you mate.

 

[HaleyBaron]

You aren't putting yourself in a good light in this thread thus far. Not sure what your past dealings were with him, but this isn't the time to air out your grievances. I would think that would go without saying - but apparently not.

I don't care for light. I think it's hilarious. I gave my input and the meaning is exactly how I meant it.