I built it, they didn't come

[member160292]

HOLY SH!T, this is my problem in a nutshell.

Thanks for bumping this @pipeman84

 

[Bigpapa]

I agree with @pipeman84 that the vibe is the primary problem. It's quite difficult to get straight to sex without dealing with some of the bullshiit of the human mating rituals established by cultural norms.

It is possible to build it and not get attention. It is getting more and more difficult for men to get attention. At the gyms, most women are wearing earbuds on the general gym floor and it's difficult to approach women wearing earbuds. The earbud problem is even worse if you're trying to do approaches on walking paths. Parks can also have the earbud problem. Grocery stores and malls have less of an earbud problem but even getting women's attention for a conversation of longer than 1 minute in those venues can be a challenge. Getting attention on swipe apps is also difficult with ratios.

I think a lot of men have problems in getting attention, no matter whether they use tech-assisted methods or in-person approaching.



High IQ is one of the worst traits for getting laid. Look at all of the STEM guys who are incels. In the US, there are tons of academically gifted men who can't get laid.

if you want to get laid you have to do social stuff

going out to grab a coffee at the cafe , walking a bit . Making eye contact with strangers , etc etc

if you are autistic and only do stuff that are non social women will not magically jump on you … no matter how amazing you are

I was sick for like 2 weeks , guess what … I became quite accustomed to not seeing people and took me maybe 1 week to get back somehow to normal

 

[TheGambino]

THe problem you're facing is you "built it" according to what society tells you SHOULD attract females.

Unfortunately, all that stuff you have (physique, good paying job, etc.) is irrelevant when it comes to arousal. The stuff you have attracts women, but unless your arousing to them, you'll continue to beat your head against a wall. What you need to do is start developing an organic dominance in your conversations w/ females. You need to learn how to use your body language to communicate to women non-verbally that you're high value and have your pick of the litter w/ females.

Why do you think there are extremely hot women who are caught up on dudes who by all external appearances don't have much to offer? It's because these guys are actual alphas. It's in how they speak to women, how they look at them, how they communicate, etc.

That's the stuff you need to focus on. There are a ton of rich, good looking dudes who have ZERO success with females. Other than of course being used for cash, gifts and emotional tampons.

I actually know guys. No job, smoke, drunk every weekend, but they dont care. They walk up to a chick, touch her, grab her, kiss her and just go for the kill. They f*ck 3-4 differtent girls every weekend. Just because they go for the girl in a dominant way.

 

[SW15]

if you want to get laid you have to do social stuff

What about the earbud problem for the guys that leave the house and desire to do approaches on parks, paths, and at the gym?

 

[TheGambino]

What about the earbud problem for the guys that leave the house and desire to do approaches on parks, paths, and at the gym?

That is not a problem man. Just talk to her, she will put her music off anyway. If she likes you, nothing can stop u.

 

[Bigpapa]

What about the earbud problem for the guys that leave the house and desire to do approaches on parks, paths, and at the gym?

@TheGambino has a point

if she likes you , she will take them off . If she does not like you , she will ignore you

but she would have ignored even without them on

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Here is the issue I see...you seem to be taking this dating stuff too serious...like when you are on a date are you actually vibing and having fun with the woman and making her feel good or are you trying to analyze what every little thing means...if she sits next to you, if she is touching you, etc etc etc?

I kinda see you being in your own head and not having fun on dates. That's not going to work very well most of the time...you are going to come off as top serious and the type of guy they probably don't want to see again.

 

[member160292]

if you want to get laid you have to do social stuff

going out to grab a coffee at the cafe , walking a bit . Making eye contact with strangers , etc etc

if you are autistic and only do stuff that are non social women will not magically jump on you … no matter how amazing you are

I was sick for like 2 weeks , guess what … I became quite accustomed to not seeing people and took me maybe 1 week to get back somehow to normal

Absolutely! Join meetups and do the complete opposite of what the dudes are doing

 

[member160292]

@allergictobs its been 2 years. Would appreciate an update

 

[BillyPilgrim]

This is pretty far off topic, but the headline the OP used ("I built it, they didn't come") is nice example of something called the Mandela Effect. The phrase he's borrowing from is "If you build it, they will come" from the movie Field of Dreams. However, this phrase has now been changed to "if you build it *he* will come" which was not in the original film (which hasn't been re-recorded) and makes no sense. You don't play baseball one-on-one, you need a team, hence "they".

field of dreams mandela effect - Google Search

 

[pipeman84]

It is possible to build it and not get attention. It is getting more and more difficult for men to get attention. At the gyms, most women are wearing earbuds on the general gym floor and it's difficult to approach women wearing earbuds. The earbud problem is even worse if you're trying to do approaches on walking paths. Parks can also have the earbud problem. Grocery stores and malls have less of an earbud problem but even getting women's attention for a conversation of longer than 1 minute in those venues can be a challenge. Getting attention on swipe apps is also difficult with ratios.

I don't subscribe to this idea that it's more difficult for men to get attention. I can think of one exception to this, swipe apps, but there is no point in going there because for quick sex OP has the option of escorts and he knows that's not the place to look for LTR material. The desire for a mate is hardwired in humans (probably more so in females) and attraction is not a choice. So a girl who is available and has enough exposure to you (as for instance in a gym setting) will get attracted, earbuds or no, if the Gods smile upon you. If not, there isn't really anything you could do to get her to like you, because attraction is not a choice. You might her into bed, but that's transactional and it's much harder work than simply getting an escort. Actually I think the gym is a perfect place for someone like OP, who already trains and enjoys it and is looking for 20s something girls, provided he's changing his vibe. He could go to 2 different gyms to up his chances.

Grocery stores and malls have such a low ROI time-wise that a busy guy like OP can't even consider.

 

[SmoothSmooth]

sounds like u have the tools but dont know how to market urself...
girls do care abt instgram then u should invest into making a great one. professional photoshoots around the world, showcase ur possession, clothes, friends etc...surely ull be miles ahead of all the other guys if uve actually got money and the lifestyle.
u have money so do you wear designer clothes - gucci, louis vuitton etc? do u drive a cool car? why are all your friends male, find a way to make female friends eg go to salsa class and post pics around females to look more balanced

also what they said about confident alpha body language and vibe is 100% true, this comes before everything...before the instagram, before the resources, are u able to look women in the eyes confidently, read them and give them a 'cool chilled out vibe' which isnt try hard, speak with a masculine rhythmic tone, etc

outside of work, what makes u different? do u play in a band? do any cool sports? boat sailing? u need to have something which makes u stand out, beyond 9-5 work, to help build ur identity and give u something interesting to talk abt and post abt on instagram...and make it seem like ur life is great without girls

 

[VirtuousD]

"Work on yourself bro, a man in his mid to late 30's is at his peak and will be swimming in 18-21 year old poon"

 

[Zimbabwe]

U fell for the self improvement meme, it doesn't matter how much of it you do, women will not come to you.

You have to go out and put your self in situations where you are likely to meet and bond with women.

 

[Bigpapa]

Absolutely! Join meetups and do the complete opposite of what the dudes are doing

dunno if meetups are the answer , but for sure is better than nothing

when I go for gaming , I usually stay at a cafe that has a lot of people passing by and make eye contact with most people passing by ( both men and women )

this puts me in a socializing mood

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Maybe you built something they don't want?

There is no amount of bettering yourself that can overcome being socially awkward, unable to hold a conversation, poor body language, being too "nice"/a doormat, and desperate or needy.

If you have any of those things listed you need to resolve them BEFORE anything else you do or you will wrongly assume that bettering yourself didn't work.

Wrong...you simply tried to build a 5 story building with a rotted foundation and can't understand why it came tumbling down.

It would be like buying a bunch of car part upgrades but having no car to put them on.

Also...they aren't "going to come". You have to actively go get them. Dating is an active, not passive activity. If you are sitting around waiting you'll be waiting a long ass time.

 

[allergictobs]

@allergictobs its been 2 years. Would appreciate an update

You asked for an update, so I'll write about what's happened and, more importantly, what I've learned over the past couple of years.


My sex life/relationship status has stayed the same, but to be fair, the lockdown madness was only beginning when I wrote the first post and for the past couple of years social life was very restricted. There was a long period of time when I didn't even go to the office since everyone was required to work remotely.

On a positive note, I seem to be getting more attention from women (interested looks, smiles in public etc.) than I've probably ever gotten in my life.

I still maintain an extremely strict workout routine and diet, going to the gym 4-5x a week, counting calories (I enjoy doing that) etc.


I've also experimented again with online dating and swipe apps, and even though I get some attention there, I haven't gone to any dates via those apps because the women are so far below my own level. It seems that online has gone downhill rapidly - almost as if all the normal women left the apps and only the delusional ones are left. I'm not going to waste any more time online dating.

I've also decided that I'm not going to actively pursue women because that mindset makes me miserable. Instead, I will keep myself fit, dress nicely and spend time in environments where I'm comfortable (office, gym, restaurants, coffee shops, libraries). If I see a girl I like and she gives me attention, then I will try approaching her. But I will not force it and I will have to accept that there is a high probability that I will remain permanently single.

Interestingly, a couple of colleagues have fathered their first child in their mid-50s (the woman being in her 30s). I'm still almost 20 years away from that, so I guess anything is possible.

Regarding sex life, I have realized that the best sex I (or most men) will ever have is with high-end escorts. The best ones have a model-tier body and treat you very nicely. They are very expensive and I've started to think that I'm lucky to afford them regularly. It's not always easy to meet the one I like the most because she lives in a different city, but I try to meet her or another one once a week for a few hours of private time. Sometimes go on a mini-vacation with her.


The most important thing I've realized over the past couple of years about women and dating is that most women are not that interested in men (Aaron Clarey has talked about this a lot recently). It is clearly visible now at work with many women remaining single in their 30s and 40s. Some of them have had children, but dumped the guy afterwards.

It really seems that only a small portion of all women actually like guys, as in wanting to spend time with them. To me, this is an epiphany, because it means that pursuing most women is a waste of time and no matter what you do is going to make her like you that much. This is the most important lesson I've learned over the past couple of years.

 

[SW15]

Aaron Clarey posted 2 videos yesterday about 2 men that did a ton of self-improvement and it didn't do much for their dating lives.

 

[corrector]

You asked for an update, so I'll write about what's happened and, more importantly, what I've learned over the past couple of years.


My sex life/relationship status has stayed the same, but to be fair, the lockdown madness was only beginning when I wrote the first post and for the past couple of years social life was very restricted. There was a long period of time when I didn't even go to the office since everyone was required to work remotely.

On a positive note, I seem to be getting more attention from women (interested looks, smiles in public etc.) than I've probably ever gotten in my life.

I still maintain an extremely strict workout routine and diet, going to the gym 4-5x a week, counting calories (I enjoy doing that) etc.


I've also experimented again with online dating and swipe apps, and even though I get some attention there, I haven't gone to any dates via those apps because the women are so far below my own level. It seems that online has gone downhill rapidly - almost as if all the normal women left the apps and only the delusional ones are left. I'm not going to waste any more time online dating.

I've also decided that I'm not going to actively pursue women because that mindset makes me miserable. Instead, I will keep myself fit, dress nicely and spend time in environments where I'm comfortable (office, gym, restaurants, coffee shops, libraries). If I see a girl I like and she gives me attention, then I will try approaching her. But I will not force it and I will have to accept that there is a high probability that I will remain permanently single.

Interestingly, a couple of colleagues have fathered their first child in their mid-50s (the woman being in her 30s). I'm still almost 20 years away from that, so I guess anything is possible.

Regarding sex life, I have realized that the best sex I (or most men) will ever have is with high-end escorts. The best ones have a model-tier body and treat you very nicely. They are very expensive and I've started to think that I'm lucky to afford them regularly. It's not always easy to meet the one I like the most because she lives in a different city, but I try to meet her or another one once a week for a few hours of private time. Sometimes go on a mini-vacation with her.


The most important thing I've realized over the past couple of years about women and dating is that most women are not that interested in men (Aaron Clarey has talked about this a lot recently). It is clearly visible now at work with many women remaining single in their 30s and 40s. Some of them have had children, but dumped the guy afterwards.

It really seems that only a small portion of all women actually like guys, as in wanting to spend time with them. To me, this is an epiphany, because it means that pursuing most women is a waste of time and no matter what you do is going to make her like you that much. This is the most important lesson I've learned over the past couple of years.

Thanks for sharing this story. Very demotivating.

 

[Bingo-Player]

OP i dont even need to read 6 pages to tell you , you're living inside your own head

How do i know this ? because i do exactly the same and whilst when you are younger you can get away with it because your social circles are bigger , once you get a bit older you become a recluse within your own mind

Lockdown really taught me a lesson

Spending time alone , doing everything alone is mentally toxic ..... i long believed throughout my 20's i didn't need anyone on this earth and i had a horrendous ego and attitude problem as a result of it i treated people as though they were disposable and i paid a heavy price for it

At 30 i now have to build social circles from basically nothing , its tough because i realise i actually have to offer people a side of me i have basically killed

Even saying hello to people in the gym has become like a fvcking military operation for me but i am forcing myself to do it

And you know what when you talk to people authentically and dont want or expect anything from them you can actually form the basis of a human relationship

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

Modern men are taught to be these workaholic economic output machines that feel no emotion and just want sex from women and drinks in a pub with sport

NO

This is not life , life is experienced better with others and if that means being vulnerable so be it