Relationship has dwindled and I need to regain that spark again

[Designer Man]

Hello, I'm new here and signed up for thoughts and advice. I'll post as much information as possible about what has and is happening:

I met my girlfiend in 2015. It has been almost 3 years together. I am 33 and she is 43. She has a child from a previous relationship and the child is 6 years old.

When we first met we dated and done the regular usual dating stuff. We would see each other every few weeks but she wanted to see me more in the first few months but I could only meet up once every 2/3 weeks due to other commitments in my life at the time. After the first 6 months, we wasn't serious and would see each other about once per week. It worked for me but she wanted me to come around a bit more, have dinner etc, so I did.

I met her child after 6 months and we seemed to hit it off well. I am very child friendly and would play games and spend time with her. Now we were seeing each other more and spending more time together, after what seemed a slow start, we began progressing and I would stay over a few weekends and see her a few times during the week for a few hours.

We booked a holiday for that summer for the 3 of us and we had a great time. It was after this holiday I fell completely in love and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Things were going great and we were developing a great family dynamic.

We got back from holiday and after a couple of months (Sept 2016) I noticed small changes. I was very open with my feelings and told her how I felt and how much I love her she told me she felt the same but I started to let my insecurities get the better of me. I became jealous of her daughter's father and began to accuse my partner for having feelings for him and asked if she was going to get back with him. She kept telling me no but this behaviour from myself began to slowly push her away. She started to become a bit off with me over the next few months and to explain my partner, she is not the most communicative, not the most affectionate and is not the type to express her feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve - she keeps her feelings hidden.

My insecurities got worse and I would question her feelings and whether she loved me. I had no idea because she wouldn't communicate her feelings and towards the end of 2016 I had moved in with her and started to notice changes.

We were very sexual in the beginning and thrived on a good sex life. Up until the point I moved in we would have sex every day. It started to become less around the start of 2017 and went from every day to around 3-4 times per week. We both had busy lives working and she would feel stressed out over finances and tended to worry over things but she kept them to herself. I was still insecure and was in danger of destroying the relationship.

In the first half of 2017 she wanted more from me in terms of cleaning and doing things around the house. I believe I done my fair share, I looked after her child and would walk her dogs when she was working if I was off. I played the role of a father figure to her child and would pick her up and take her to school if my partner was unable to. I would take her to the park, to play centres, to fair grounds, to see my family etc. In my belief I feel I was pulling my weight around the house but she would complain and say she is fed up of tidying after me and doing my laundry. I offered to do it myself but she said no, she will do it.

I had a great bond with her child and seen her as my own. My partner was more stand offish and found it stressful to live with me. We were arguing a lot more over silly things and an opportunity for me to work overseas for 3 months came along so I took it.

Whilst I was away we kept in contact and she realised how much I meant to her and that she was missing me. She realised what she had. We argued from time to time when I was away over basically small things like she seemed uninterested at times to speak with me. I came back in December 2017 and things went well for a couple of months.

About February 2018 we were arguing more and more and seemed to be like passing ships. I was still helping her out around the home and was looking after the child regularly. In March 2018 it was as if we disliked each other, we were lucky to have sex once a week and we mutually agreed I should move out at the end of March but still remain in a relationship.

I moved out and found a new place to live. It has been a week since I moved and I have found It very difficult. Being away from my partner and her child has killed me and I have gone from having the family life to waking up in a room by myself.

I feel my bond with her child will be destroyed as I may only see them once or twice a week. I taught her how to ride a bike, helped with homework and loved spending my time with her. I feel empty and choked. It has been an upsetting week.

My partners communication has died off a bit and would appear very distant in texting and talking. I asked her if our relationship was still serious and she replied "I still want to see you."

I asked her if she is in love with me and she replied "I think so."

The reason I ask her these questions is because she would never tell me otherwise. I am seeing her tonight and fear I'm going to tell her how I'm feeling and push her away even further. My plan is to go there tonight and try to act cool. Don't tell her how I feel and try and be positive. I feel the need to regain her interest and stop appearing needy.

I have asked her this week if I can come back to which she replied "We can't live together"

We will never live together again and she feels our relationship would be better if we lived apart. .

She isn't seeing anyone else, I can guarantee that. I just think my insecure behaviour killed her attraction.

I text her last night "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you"

Her reply: "I'll see you tonight"

 

[Spaz]

From your post, you are the "wife" and your partner the "husband".

Thing is, your partner doesn't want to be the "husband" and would much prefer the role of the wife.

Now why does she want another "women" in her life when all she really needs is a man.

Edit: Go read the DJ bible, there's a link in the forum. Good luck.

 

[Murk]

She's 45 with a kid man, she gonna be 50 in 5 years. You are 33. What is wrong with you?

 

[ohrein]

Read the bible, it's a pinned thread in this forum.

As for what to do in the mean time, it can be hard to reignite attraction after that long. Attraction in an LTR will move in waves but you need to be ready for the dips and put in the work to create another wave. You need to challenge her, inspire passion. How will depend on the woman. Be less predictable and make her feel things. But honestly it sounds like you have your work cut out for you.

As for your neediness and insecurity. Massive attraction killer. Not only is that not easy to fix within yourself, but changing too drastically will come across as incongruent and may not even work on this woman.

Finally, she sounds ungrateful and low quality. Why are you with her? You're approaching your prime age to get some really high quality women. Maybe you should read the bible and start dating, at least see what other options are out there. Sounds like you're pedastalizing a pretty low quality woman. That's not to say she has no redeeming qualities because obviously at some point she made you happy but if she's being an ungrateful child now, why stick around?

Hope you stick around and figure some stuff out! Peace.

 

[Von]

You have issues.

It sounds you are currently the problem in the relationship.

Like Spaz said: you act like a girl.

Also, you are 33 and she's 43? I dont mind cougar or âge gap... But you have to make sure you are on the same page in life.

Also, since she's 43 and with a kid... She will ask you act like a MAN.

However, your behaviour as clearly not given her any hopes of that.

You have issues, you need to solve them, also read the DJ Bible.

2 years in a relationship is often the "time" that pass or fail (90% of LTR dont make it pass 2 years).. Cause it's the time the passion is "dead"

 

[Glassguy]

"We can't live together" aka you want this to last a lifetime and she sees the end is near.

And then there are the other issues that you outlined.

Move on. Honestly dude just tell her "it's time to move in to other people. Best of luck to you both" and go 100% ghost.

Find someone closer to your own age without the baggage.

You'll thank me later.

 

[sph21]

I just think my insecure behaviour killed her attraction.

You're right.

This is what triggered it:

It was after this holiday I fell completely in love and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman.

You fell completely in love with her. This is your mistake. There's nothing wrong with loving a woman. There's everything wrong with loving a woman with 100% of your heart. If you love her with all your heart, you will fall for this trap: thinking that you now can relax and do whatever you want to do (AFC behaviors) to her without any risk of losing her. I did this mistake a few days a go and I had to pay the price. I remember my dad's advice to me: "never love a woman with all your heart. The maximum love you can give her is 50%. Never more than that." Now, It all make sense to me. If you surrender all your heart to her, then she won't have any challenge left in you. Her mission to get your love is over and now she's embarking on a new mission to find another love. It's harsh but this fact is what we need to embrace.

I was still helping her out around the home and was looking after the child regularly.

As spaz mentioned it, you're the "wife" and she's the "husband". You're the feminine one and she's the masculine one. Female's natural role is feminine. Once she take masculine role, she'll feel uneasy and wants to revert back to her natural one. And to achieve that, the easiest path is to dump you.

I asked her if she is in love with me and she replied "I think so."

Why did you ask that question to her? It's so lame. It shows her that you're too scared to lose her. When a woman says "I think so", it means that she's not using her feeling to answer your question. She's using her logic. And her logic says to her at that moment, "I don't want to hurt his feelings. I need to say something nice."

I text her last night "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you"

Her reply: "I'll see you tonight"

This showed her that your value is lower than hers. Don't do this again, man. You're vomiting your feelings as your last effort to save this relationship. It's bad. You're giving her the power over the relationship. You're an easy catch. The great catch will never be afraid of losing a woman in his life because he sees so many opportunities in his life.

Let her go and find someone else. Learn from the mistakes you'd made and be a better man.

 

[Designer Man]

There seems to be so many different rules and things to apply that I can't keep track of. What's wrong with being ourselves and feeling happy rather than think "what tactic shall I apply today?"

I don't want to leave her and bang random girls. I want the family life with her and have a role in her child's life.

She wanted me to help out more around the house. If the grass needs cutting I should go out and do it. If the floor needs cleaning, clean it. Whatever is outstanding, fix it.

When she has her hands full with work and trying to make money I step up and take care of the child. I don't see that as being the female, I see that as taking responsibility. A lot of her friends say they admire me for taking another man's child on. She has not once gave me any gratitude and says "if you'e living here, it's expected of you"

 

[wifehunter]

Here is another example of why it's an extremely bad idea to get involved with single moms.

You will lose frame, because she will always love her kid more than you. You will fail. Good intentions are meaningless.

 

[R.U.G.]

A few problems here. A woman more than a year or two older is only datable for use of her mouth, pvssy and ass (if you are into that). YOU, being the younger dude are the more valable one simply due to age. Trust, there are several attractive older women I'd keep around just for use of their holes, but you turned it into a relationship. She was looking for a beta, and she got a super beta man out of you. Second, she has a kid. This instantly drops her value by 3 points. If she was a 9 and you were a 7, she's now a 6. Third mistake, showing your feelings or cards. Never ask a b!tch if they love you. They should be asking you. Nothing wrong with the housework, but you walking her dogs and babysitting her kid.. Why? That is not your responsibility. She found a sucker to take up all the slack the alpha dude that she fvcked to have the kid. STOP and walk away. If you, for some deranged reason, want to keep this old woman, walk away and tell her you need a break. You need to give her time to miss you. Also, you need to read How To Be a 3% Man by Corey Wayne like yesterday. Is this your first major relationship? You sound very green. We've all been there, but this is a bit overkill. Get your sh!t and hormones together dude. You can really do better. Plus, if she sees you fvcking other b!tches, it will make her extremely jealous. That may be your way back to her on your terms. But, you need to fix yourself. Read the book.

 

[R.U.G.]

There seems to be so many different rules and things to apply that I can't keep track of. What's wrong with being ourselves and feeling happy rather than think "what tactic shall I apply today?"

I don't want to leave her and bang random girls. I want the family life with her and have a role in her child's life.
..
She wanted me to help out more around the house. If the grass needs cutting I should go out and do it. If the floor needs cleaning, clean it. Whatever is outstanding, fix it.

When she has her hands full with work and trying to make money I step up and take care of the child. I don't see that as being the female, I see that as taking responsibility. A lot of her friends say they admire me for taking another man's child on. She has not once gave me any gratitude and says "if you'e living here, it's expected of you"

May God have mercy on your soul. You are in for a world of emotional hurt.

 

[AttackFormation]

After a while on here you learn to recognize things for their shape rather than their content. I don't need to read it, just look at the length, to tell you this: you have problems that she is not the full source of. A man in control of himself and his life does not write such a long post about a woman.

 

[Dash Riprock]

The ONLY way you can save this is to preemptively break up with her.

Just call her and tell her you need a break and that you shouldn't speak to each other for a few weeks while you "think things over." Be brief and be gone. NO CONTACT, got it? Her kid is not your kid. Don't give in to her whining, crying, or trying to lure you into loooong drawn out emotional "talk" that women LOVE to do.

This works 80+% of the time and, considering all the beta moves you displayed over the last three years, is really your only hope. BUT you must maintain frame and distance.

Based on what you wrote I really doubt you can execute this but, Good luck.

 

[ohrein]

What's wrong with being ourselves and feeling happy rather than think "what tactic shall I apply today?

Nothing as long as you're happy being unattractive to the woman you want around. Being yourself and feeling happy is ultimately selfish. You're assuming your internal state is all that matters. But when you're in a relationship there are expectations on both of you to maintain it. You can think of it as "tactics" if you like, which will likely make you reject the red pill, or you could view it as any other socially negotiated contract. No relationship is unconditional, not your job, not your best mates and not even your mother.

https://therationalmale.com/2012/01/13/just-be-yourself/

 

[R.U.G.]

I would also read Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People. You obviously do not know how to make people work for your best interests. People, in general will not work for you interests unless their interests are met first or in tandem. There's your homework.

1) Break up with this woman
2) Read How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne
3) Read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

The above will help mold you and help you move forward. If you fail to do any of the above, you are screwed. You need to stiffen that upper lip dude. No one likes a weak person, especially a woman.

 

[ohrein]

I would also read Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People. You obviously do not know how to make people work for your best interests. People, in general will not work for you interests unless their interests are met first or in tandem. There's your homework.

1) Break up with this woman
2) Read How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne
3) Read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

The above will help mold you and help you move forward. If you fail to do any of the above, you are screwed. You need to stiffen that upper lip dude. No one likes a weak person, especially a woman.

He needs to be red pilled ASAP. Needs to read The Rational Male - Rollo Tomassi.

 

[Spaz]

There seems to be so many different rules and things to apply that I can't keep track of. What's wrong with being ourselves and feeling happy rather than think "what tactic shall I apply today?"

I don't want to leave her and bang random girls. I want the family life with her and have a role in her child's life.

She wanted me to help out more around the house. If the grass needs cutting I should go out and do it. If the floor needs cleaning, clean it. Whatever is outstanding, fix it.

When she has her hands full with work and trying to make money I step up and take care of the child. I don't see that as being the female, I see that as taking responsibility. A lot of her friends say they admire me for taking another man's child on. She has not once gave me any gratitude and says "if you'e living here, it's expected of you"

Wtf is wrong with you brother? That mommy boy phase should have dissipated by the time u r 12....

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Hello, I'm new here and signed up for thoughts and advice. I'll post as much information as possible about what has and is happening:

I met my girlfiend in 2015. It has been almost 3 years together. I am 33 and she is 43. She has a child from a previous relationship and the child is 6 years old.

When we first met we dated and done the regular usual dating stuff. We would see each other every few weeks but she wanted to see me more in the first few months but I could only meet up once every 2/3 weeks due to other commitments in my life at the time. After the first 6 months, we wasn't serious and would see each other about once per week. It worked for me but she wanted me to come around a bit more, have dinner etc, so I did.

I met her child after 6 months and we seemed to hit it off well. I am very child friendly and would play games and spend time with her. Now we were seeing each other more and spending more time together, after what seemed a slow start, we began progressing and I would stay over a few weekends and see her a few times during the week for a few hours.

We booked a holiday for that summer for the 3 of us and we had a great time. It was after this holiday I fell completely in love and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Things were going great and we were developing a great family dynamic.

We got back from holiday and after a couple of months (Sept 2016) I noticed small changes. I was very open with my feelings and told her how I felt and how much I love her she told me she felt the same but I started to let my insecurities get the better of me. I became jealous of her daughter's father and began to accuse my partner for having feelings for him and asked if she was going to get back with him. She kept telling me no but this behaviour from myself began to slowly push her away. She started to become a bit off with me over the next few months and to explain my partner, she is not the most communicative, not the most affectionate and is not the type to express her feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve - she keeps her feelings hidden.

My insecurities got worse and I would question her feelings and whether she loved me. I had no idea because she wouldn't communicate her feelings and towards the end of 2016 I had moved in with her and started to notice changes.

We were very sexual in the beginning and thrived on a good sex life. Up until the point I moved in we would have sex every day. It started to become less around the start of 2017 and went from every day to around 3-4 times per week. We both had busy lives working and she would feel stressed out over finances and tended to worry over things but she kept them to herself. I was still insecure and was in danger of destroying the relationship.

In the first half of 2017 she wanted more from me in terms of cleaning and doing things around the house. I believe I done my fair share, I looked after her child and would walk her dogs when she was working if I was off. I played the role of a father figure to her child and would pick her up and take her to school if my partner was unable to. I would take her to the park, to play centres, to fair grounds, to see my family etc. In my belief I feel I was pulling my weight around the house but she would complain and say she is fed up of tidying after me and doing my laundry. I offered to do it myself but she said no, she will do it.

I had a great bond with her child and seen her as my own. My partner was more stand offish and found it stressful to live with me. We were arguing a lot more over silly things and an opportunity for me to work overseas for 3 months came along so I took it.

Whilst I was away we kept in contact and she realised how much I meant to her and that she was missing me. She realised what she had. We argued from time to time when I was away over basically small things like she seemed uninterested at times to speak with me. I came back in December 2017 and things went well for a couple of months.

About February 2018 we were arguing more and more and seemed to be like passing ships. I was still helping her out around the home and was looking after the child regularly. In March 2018 it was as if we disliked each other, we were lucky to have sex once a week and we mutually agreed I should move out at the end of March but still remain in a relationship.

I moved out and found a new place to live. It has been a week since I moved and I have found It very difficult. Being away from my partner and her child has killed me and I have gone from having the family life to waking up in a room by myself.

I feel my bond with her child will be destroyed as I may only see them once or twice a week. I taught her how to ride a bike, helped with homework and loved spending my time with her. I feel empty and choked. It has been an upsetting week.

My partners communication has died off a bit and would appear very distant in texting and talking. I asked her if our relationship was still serious and she replied "I still want to see you."

I asked her if she is in love with me and she replied "I think so."

The reason I ask her these questions is because she would never tell me otherwise. I am seeing her tonight and fear I'm going to tell her how I'm feeling and push her away even further. My plan is to go there tonight and try to act cool. Don't tell her how I feel and try and be positive. I feel the need to regain her interest and stop appearing needy.

I have asked her this week if I can come back to which she replied "We can't live together"

We will never live together again and she feels our relationship would be better if we lived apart. .

She isn't seeing anyone else, I can guarantee that. I just think my insecure behaviour killed her attraction.

I text her last night "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you"

Her reply: "I'll see you tonight"

You have so much to learn. The good thing is that you’re not married and you’re not responsible for that child. You’re young and have nothing holding you back except yourself. If you want to improve your life and improve as a man:

Read everything at therationalmale.com.

Start dating other women (spin plates).

Don’t even think about a monogamous relationship until you learn more about women and the red pill.

If you decide to someday have a family, get with a younger woman and have your own children. And be the man and leader of your own family.

A blog entry from therationalmale.com :

https://www.google.com/amp/s/therationalmale.com/2013/01/30/choreplay/amp/

-Augustus-

 

[Designer Man]

Thanks for all your replies.

Last night went well. I met her around 4pm in the park. She was with her child and walking the dogs, I turned up and the child was excited to see me. I took her on the play apparatus for 20 minutes before we left to go and have dinner.

She got out of the shower later than evening and I began kissing her softly and caressing her naked body. I then left it at that. Later that night we got into bed and I began teasing her by running myself against her and running my hands all over her body. We then had sex and she was absolutely soaking. It turned out to be a good night. I stayed over and will have breakfast before going home.

 

[Spaz]

Please continue as u r.

My prediction, within 6 months, you'll post that she has dumped you or cheated on you and that of course she has BPD, how u were so good and duped...

You just couldn't believe it....