BeExcellent
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2015
- Messages
- 4,711
- Reaction score
- 6,682
- Age
- 55
Actually I dated a man for about 18 months who I was very attracted to. He was everything I desired in a man physically and knew how to lead and was just a delight to spend time with. There were three issues with him. One was he was far away, but I saw him regularly because I have business near his locale, one was he struggled with physical intimacy (once we got to that point about 6 months in) and the other was he had ongoing serious drama from his ex wife regarding his children. I heard from him this past weekend and he is STILL dealing with a legal nightmare post divorce custody entanglements. He liked me and told me along the way that I am "the sort of woman you marry" but that he simply does not have the emotional bandwidth to entertain a relationship currently. Knowing the details of his situation I tend to believe him. So perhaps a case of right person/wrong time. He's a great guy and I wish the best for him.I recall that a while ago, you said that the only person you’ve ever felt attracted to after your divorce was your ex-husband, though you aren’t going to marry him again due to what occurred between you two. And if I recall correctly, he is still struggling to rebuild himself again and is no longer what most people would describe to be a high value man, at least not nearly to your purported level. Yet you still hold at least some attraction towards him. Now considering all of this, how does it make sense to us that simply improving ourselves can grant us the high value, dream women we desire?
I can think of 6 possible answers to this question. One of them being that female attraction is illogical and irrational. Another being Desdinova’s High Score Theory. The next being that part of you subconsciously regrets having left him. The fourth being some combination of the above. The fifth that you actually HAVE had men outside of your ex that attracted you, you just lied or were trying to convince yourself that you don’t like them, for one reason or another. And the last being that like previously, I am unable to discern the truth from my own intuition. Again, I hope it’s the last one.
I am fond of my ex husband, (who was a high value man when we married) we have been through a lot, we had in many ways an enviable marriage. We became best friends in the marriage, the sexual union was off the hook, and we enjoy each other's company. We share many interests in dance, and nightlife and share similar family values. We have the 3 children together and we get along well. But we are better off not married. I cannot respect him or follow him the way a woman should respect and follow her man. I am 10-20 years further down the road of personal development than he is and he will never catch up. He cannot lead me. The divorce removed the toxic elements that were festering unresolved in the relationship and forced my ex to get back into the arena of life if you will. There is still enduring attraction because the intimacy was incredible, but there are other things that are now obvious incompatibility issues that cannot be overcome. I cannot look up to him and revere him the way I should as a woman and frankly the way he should be revered. That is for some other woman if he chooses (and I do hope he finds such a woman if he decides to), and my reverence is reserved for some other man. I will always love him but I cannot LOVE him with everything that I am. That was broken forever. It is impossible to LOVE someone who can't love themselves. I spent years trying to encourage him, to FIX him. I've learned that is folly (which is something reiterated here at SS.)
So where my ex is concerned I love him and will always love him but I am not his girl. I want to see him with a woman who can LOVE him as a man because I want to see him happy. For myself I am patient and blessed to have abundance and choice. My grandmother was a widow (at about 43 years of age) for 18 years before she found a suitable second husband, and she improved her own life and was patient in those years. I too am patient. I know the process and I know myself. I doubt I will remarry because I have financial obligations I must fulfill where my children are concerned and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that.
I've recently begun seeing someone who appears thus far to have good compatibility with me and who can lead me. He is physically to my preferences and I find him sexy and very attractive both in his look and his manner. He is financially independent although I wouldn't consider him wealthy. The issue with him is whether he values novelty or intimacy. I don't know the answer yet. We are not yet exclusive and so the jury is out for the time being. Like me he has 3 children and his ties to his ex are close. We understand one another in that area. He also appreciates the nightlife, gets the cultural references from back in the day, and has danced Latin and Country for 20+ years. So we shall see how that goes. I expect things to develop slowly as they do where I am concerned. And meanwhile I still meet others.
When you have this sort of abundance you look at opportunity costs. If you enter an exclusive relationship with one person, what opportunity costs are you giving up that you don't know about yet? As @Howiestern explained in his post however, opportunity cost can be a double edged sword. You could pass up something assuming someone better is going to come along. That is a risk to be aware of. As Howie noted there are FEW people you'll come across in life that are WORTHY of say marriage or even LTR.
The trick that all of us wrestle with is our desire for closeness to another human being and how best to determine which other human being is worthy of our investment and closeness. It's not easy. In youth I think you have the benefit of idealism and in older age hopefully you have the benefit of wisdom.
I hope that has shed some light on your questions of me. My intent is not to be arrogant (although I know you see me that way) but to share for the benefit of those here.