She is losing interest and attraction towards me because of how i acted the past month

WeaponOfWar

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Hello, This will be a bit of a long post.

I have been seeing this girl for two years now, it's been a bit of a complicated road the first year, her ex bf problems but we worked through that.

After that she left to study abroad, we started seeing each other on holidays and in the rest of the time texting. I'm bad with long distance and i told her, i used to ask her for reassuring and stuff but at a normal rate.

I finally arrived in the same city to do my masters degree, the only issue is...in the last month I went a bit off the rails, the long distance thing took a really bad toll on me and I became really insecure. I started bombarding her with walls of text, asking for a lot of reassuring and such things. She started chatting less and less which got me worried, she told me to ease up on the questions but I kept doing it more and more...

She wasn't able to come to our country during the summer so I went there a month before going to live there and study myself, for a week to see her but I was really stressed for some reason, I somehow wanted to catch up for the lost time and i started acting really stressed around her, asking stupid questions like "is this ok, is that ok, does this bother you "etc. So..we ended up not having sex at all. She told me that because I was so weird it turned her off. She also started texting a bit less since she was busy all the time, but i told her about it and she was understanding and started being aware of it.

Last week was the tipping point when she got really angry because i kept asking her if something was wrong, nothing was wrong but..my mind just started playing tricks on me due to the long distance and i kept reading what she wrote very wrong. She got really angry and since then she was a bit colder.

When I arrived here I was relieved that all that was over since I'd be able to see her. We care for each other and she tried to be as understanding as possible, at first she indulged that for a year or so, she knew it was hard for me, but i just went really overboard with it this month...and when I arrived she told me she couldn't jump straight into dating and of course I pushed her into more explaining, and I think she just feels pressured by the idea that I am here now and if things don't work out she somehow has to go through with it just because..but i didn't get that and started overreacting and she told me that it makes me really unattractive to her being like a drama queen. The next day I tried to talk to her and she told me that right now she doesn't feel like being with me in an actual relationship since she doesn't even get horny right now when she thinks of me due to all the "mommy's boy" outbursts and that she hates the way she starts acting with me sometimes, she starts being mean and making jokes, because of all the reassuring i ask her for, all the extra explanations and such and I'm really apologetic ...I'm a nice guy'ish and it's ok most of the times but now I became one of those guys... and it pisses her off and that she wants some peace.

Basically I wasn't being manly at all this last month and now she is over saturated from all the pointless panicky moments i had and she doesn't feel that attracted to me sexually. Two weeks ago we hit it off really well.

She told me during this argument that she still wants to try and see but right now our talks are really weird and cold. Basically she writes something, then I reply after a few minutes and that's it..she doesn't really try to hold a conversation. She's nice but cold in a way, yesterday she opened up a bit and told me about her day but I was a bit colder to try and mirror her..then she didn't answer until today in the morning. Today we talked a bit, by talked i mean i sent her a song/image and asked a few questions but she just answered in a nice way but again didn't try to make conversation. For example during the evening she goes online on whatsapp but doesn't even look at my message and then replies the next day.

I'm ok now, this whole argument was a big wake up call for me to man up. But the way things are is really uncomfortable and I still haven't actually seen her in person. I don't know what to do right now, how to act.

One day she was a bit more warm and i was being a little cold... I'm avoiding to actually talk to her about this and ask her if she needs some time to chill, i'd like to ask her to just be understanding since I've been telling her for a year that i might go into a weird state since long distance is really hard for me, and forgive me for it and just move on and not judge me based on it. I feel like I'm in deep **** and I'm losing her if things keep going like this.

Talking about the problem might seem just like I'm doing more of the same old stuff to her, but I just want to overcome this and talk normally and see each other. I don't even know if asking her to meet would be a good move right now, it's really ****ty. I can't do dirty talk since it will be like hitting a brick wall right now(be both loved having sex together it was amazing), I can't have an actual conversation...she's always doing stuff like going to the gym, paining, playing the guitar walking the etc. or just hanging with her housemates, it's obvious she's not that much into talking right now.

In about a week we will both start school and I'm afraid that will push us further away.
What I am trying to do right now is be myself, be friendly to her but not push too hard, give her a little space and try to keep myself busy so i don't look like all i'm doing is thinking about her and hopefully as she sees that I'm not starting with the crazy stuff and I'm actually keeping my word that i'm done with that she'll start wanting to talk more and want to meet...but if at the end of the week nothing improves, or at the half of this week I'll try to talk to her about it and try to explain without it sounding like a drama queen so we can actually work on overcoming this.

Any advice would be appreciated. A friend told me to just be cold and start appearing uninterested in her but i'm not sure that would work and it might just turn her off more since she would start thinking that I'm acting like that for attention or something... I'm really sad because of this.
 

MrJack

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Hello, This will be a bit of a long post.

I have been seeing this girl for two years now, it's been a bit of a complicated road the first year, her ex bf problems but we worked through that.

After that she left to study abroad, we started seeing each other on holidays and in the rest of the time texting. I'm bad with long distance and i told her, i used to ask her for reassuring and stuff but at a normal rate.

I finally arrived in the same city to do my masters degree, the only issue is...in the last month I went a bit off the rails, the long distance thing took a really bad toll on me and I became really insecure. I started bombarding her with walls of text, asking for a lot of reassuring and such things. She started chatting less and less which got me worried, she told me to ease up on the questions but I kept doing it more and more...

She wasn't able to come to our country during the summer so I went there a month before going to live there and study myself, for a week to see her but I was really stressed for some reason, I somehow wanted to catch up for the lost time and i started acting really stressed around her, asking stupid questions like "is this ok, is that ok, does this bother you "etc. So..we ended up not having sex at all. She told me that because I was so weird it turned her off. She also started texting a bit less since she was busy all the time, but i told her about it and she was understanding and started being aware of it.

Last week was the tipping point when she got really angry because i kept asking her if something was wrong, nothing was wrong but..my mind just started playing tricks on me due to the long distance and i kept reading what she wrote very wrong. She got really angry and since then she was a bit colder.

When I arrived here I was relieved that all that was over since I'd be able to see her. We care for each other and she tried to be as understanding as possible, at first she indulged that for a year or so, she knew it was hard for me, but i just went really overboard with it this month...and when I arrived she told me she couldn't jump straight into dating and of course I pushed her into more explaining, and I think she just feels pressured by the idea that I am here now and if things don't work out she somehow has to go through with it just because..but i didn't get that and started overreacting and she told me that it makes me really unattractive to her being like a drama queen. The next day I tried to talk to her and she told me that right now she doesn't feel like being with me in an actual relationship since she doesn't even get horny right now when she thinks of me due to all the "mommy's boy" outbursts and that she hates the way she starts acting with me sometimes, she starts being mean and making jokes, because of all the reassuring i ask her for, all the extra explanations and such and I'm really apologetic ...I'm a nice guy'ish and it's ok most of the times but now I became one of those guys... and it pisses her off and that she wants some peace.

Basically I wasn't being manly at all this last month and now she is over saturated from all the pointless panicky moments i had and she doesn't feel that attracted to me sexually. Two weeks ago we hit it off really well.

She told me during this argument that she still wants to try and see but right now our talks are really weird and cold. Basically she writes something, then I reply after a few minutes and that's it..she doesn't really try to hold a conversation. She's nice but cold in a way, yesterday she opened up a bit and told me about her day but I was a bit colder to try and mirror her..then she didn't answer until today in the morning. Today we talked a bit, by talked i mean i sent her a song/image and asked a few questions but she just answered in a nice way but again didn't try to make conversation. For example during the evening she goes online on whatsapp but doesn't even look at my message and then replies the next day.

I'm ok now, this whole argument was a big wake up call for me to man up. But the way things are is really uncomfortable and I still haven't actually seen her in person. I don't know what to do right now, how to act.

One day she was a bit more warm and i was being a little cold... I'm avoiding to actually talk to her about this and ask her if she needs some time to chill, i'd like to ask her to just be understanding since I've been telling her for a year that i might go into a weird state since long distance is really hard for me, and forgive me for it and just move on and not judge me based on it. I feel like I'm in deep **** and I'm losing her if things keep going like this.

Talking about the problem might seem just like I'm doing more of the same old stuff to her, but I just want to overcome this and talk normally and see each other. I don't even know if asking her to meet would be a good move right now, it's really ****ty. I can't do dirty talk since it will be like hitting a brick wall right now(be both loved having sex together it was amazing), I can't have an actual conversation...she's always doing stuff like going to the gym, paining, playing the guitar walking the etc. or just hanging with her housemates, it's obvious she's not that much into talking right now.

In about a week we will both start school and I'm afraid that will push us further away.
What I am trying to do right now is be myself, be friendly to her but not push too hard, give her a little space and try to keep myself busy so i don't look like all i'm doing is thinking about her and hopefully as she sees that I'm not starting with the crazy stuff and I'm actually keeping my word that i'm done with that she'll start wanting to talk more and want to meet...but if at the end of the week nothing improves, or at the half of this week I'll try to talk to her about it and try to explain without it sounding like a drama queen so we can actually work on overcoming this.

Any advice would be appreciated. A friend told me to just be cold and start appearing uninterested in her but i'm not sure that would work and it might just turn her off more since she would start thinking that I'm acting like that for attention or something... I'm really sad because of this.
Dude I'm sorry but you care WAY to much about this chick that you haven't even seen in person for forever. It's almost like you're the girl and she's the guy. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say she's the only girl you are talking to because if she wasn't you wouldn't be this obsessed with her.

The reason she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you is because you have drowned her in your insecurity and that absolutely kills attraction.

The texting everyday thing has got to stop it's not going to get you anywhere, you're just her "texting buddy" to give her validation. If by the end of the week nothing improves? DEFINITELY DO NOT try talking to her about whatever you're going through in your own head you will only drive her away more.

I'm sure you've heard this before but "you have to risk losing the girl to get her"

IMO this applies 100% to your situation since this is the point you've allowed yourself to get to with this girl.

1. Break contact with her
2. Stop worrying about her!
3. Go do your own shyt, be busy

And most importantly START TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS AND F*CKING THEM. This helps tremendously to get rid of your oneitis mindset to the point where you actually will start caring less about whatever outcome happens with her.

She's used to talking to you everyday through text.. give her the gift of missing you!!

I'm sorry but you needed to hear the harsh reality.

All the best brother.
 

Thorninmyside

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She's not losing interest. She has completely lost it. If there was a manual on turning a girl off, unfortunately most of what you wrote would be in it. You know this, so I'm not trying to kick you when you are down.

You've acted consistently out of fear. That needs to stop and it can take a while, but short of getting a personality transplant in the next 24 hours, I think unfortunately the growing you're about to start doing is going to pay off with the next girl rather than this one. It takes a lot of time to let go of the fear you have been making choices with and she's probably not going to just forget about everything that has been happening.

People pleasing is really not the way and letting your worries drive you is only going to cause you a world of hurt.
 

Milano

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Welcome to sosuave m8. The red pill is in my hand, take it, its yours.

By looking at the thread title I knew it was probably too late, and by seeing so much text, it became obvious, you are way too invested.

You are feeling like a piece of sht all through your body right now, and will continue to do so for a while. This might take months. It is because you let your feelings control you and neglect your self worth and self respect. When you show a woman that you love her more than yourself, she CANT be horny for you anymore. You need to back off completely, as you lost all control.

I feel for your loss, and its a horrible feeling to invest more and more into something that only feels disgusted by your attention. I recently let myself go with a hot woman I didnt think I had a chance with, and I also became so needy I had to let her go, I couldnt deal with the thought of her banging through Tinder while I was studying so I did it for myself. Still, after knowing this sht, I started blowing up her phone like a chump afterwards. I lost control of my emotions with her being way too little invested = eternal loss, move on. In this age and time, specially with a pretty girl, you cant lose your frame like this and continue.

This can happen even when you start getting it, because when you find a sexy woman with a perfect body calling you daddy, giving you unprotected sex you didnt think was possible, you WANT MORE. Ofc you want more sex, Its ok! You just CANT let your feelings wander off, NEVER. That way you lose in every scenario, always.

You, my friend, need to learn like many of us in here still struggle with, to read a womans interest level, and not your own fantasy. This is the era of young women with an abnormal sexual market value, and a smaller percentage of alfa men who "gets it". Most women are designed to go for men with pretty much the same traits physically and mentally. Your job here is to learn how to be appealing to most women on the market so you can get more volume and get more experience faster. Im actually contemplating moving to New York in a few years as I come from a small place with many more young men than woman.

Now you let her go for your own good. If she begs you to come back later, you could try it with a new frame as a life experience, but your frame is long gone so in reality she wont do that unless you have a lot of money and other special provider goods she might be needing. If she has severe daddy issues she might want to have u as the friend and fuk through tinder on the side.

Point is, work out, focus on school. Hell, hit her with a Corey Wayne special before you leave as the very last thing you say: "Hey, if you change your mind, give me a call" then you ghost. You dont reply to smileys and bullsht.
 

Milano

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She's not losing interest. She has completely lost it. If there was a manual on turning a girl off, unfortunately most of what you wrote would be in it. You know this, so I'm not trying to kick you when you are down.

You've acted consistently out of fear. That needs to stop and it can take a while, but short of getting a personality transplant in the next 24 hours, I think unfortunately the growing you're about to start doing is going to pay off with the next girl rather than this one. It takes a lot of time to let go of the fear you have been making choices with and she's probably not going to just forget about everything that has been happening.

People pleasing is really not the way and letting your worries drive you is only going to cause you a world of hurt.
Yes, unfortunately, this ship has sunk. When you lose all control and self respect like this, its like you might as well continue blowing up her phone until she meets tyrone and chadwick and sends you a nice cold heartbreaker of a text, Im sure most of us have gotten at least one lol.
 

sosousage

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"last month I went a bit off the rails, the long distance thing took a really bad toll on me and I became really insecure. I started bombarding her with walls of text, asking for a lot of reassuring and such things. She started chatting less and less which got me worried, she told me to ease up on the questions but I kept doing it more and more..."



me in my first relationship 6 years ago or something. guess how it ended? yeah you arent in relatiionship anymore
 

cola

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The chick isn't to blame here. She actually is a really good girl and you suck at this.

-She basically warned you several times you are turning her off, chill out .. Yet you still continued acting like a girl.

-She gave you chances to correct this femenine behavior

-She seems to have outright told you she has lost interest instead of stringing you along..

She handled things as maturely as you can expect from a female..

I'd move on .. You probably messed this up too bad and any contact on your part will just make her respect you less.

Check up on her in a couple years but right now you have issues to deal with.
 

marmel75

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Then stop acting like that. If you know the problem, then stop doing it, simple as that.
 

BeExcellent

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The chick isn't to blame here. She actually is a really good girl and you suck at this.

-She basically warned you several times you are turning her off, chill out .. Yet you still continued acting like a girl.

-She gave you chances to correct this femenine behavior

-She seems to have outright told you she has lost interest instead of stringing you along..

She handled things as maturely as you can expect from a female..

I'd move on .. You probably messed this up too bad and any contact on your part will just make her respect you less.

Check up on her in a couple years but right now you have issues to deal with.
I agree with everything @cola said. He is 100% correct.

I also agree with @marmel75 very strongly. STOP behaving like a baby girl already! Just stop it.

If there is ANY hope of correction here is what you do:

Go back to when you were first dating. Ask her out, go do something fun, escalate toward sex.

No calling/texting/having "talks" AT ALL. It's way to heavy man. What a drag. You gotta knock it off. Come here & throw up all that emotional what if stuff...do NOT chat with her about it.

You have created a fantasy land of expectations and now you are freaking out because reality isn't meeting your Disney fantasy. You have moved to be close to her out of this fantasy mindset. You are VERY invested.

You are crazy needy and off the rails here (as you know). Reel it in my friend. Date her like you did in the beginning. It's your only possible avenue to success. If her attraction for you starts to rekindle keep doing it. No more being a little girl. Ditch the fantasy, kill the insecurity. Never ask her where she is or what she's doing.

It may already be DOA but that's what you do to save it. It will take lots of strength and grow you up whether y'all work out or not.
 

sosousage

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I agree with everything @cola said. He is 100% correct.

I also agree with @marmel75 very strongly. STOP behaving like a baby girl already! Just stop it.

If there is ANY hope of correction here is what you do:

Go back to when you were first dating. Ask her out, go do something fun, escalate toward sex.

No calling/texting/having "talks" AT ALL. It's way to heavy man. What a drag. You gotta knock it off. Come here & throw up all that emotional what if stuff...do NOT chat with her about it.

You have created a fantasy land of expectations and now you are freaking out because reality isn't meeting your Disney fantasy. You have moved to be close to her out of this fantasy mindset. You are VERY invested.

You are crazy needy and off the rails here (as you know). Reel it in my friend. Date her like you did in the beginning. It's your only possible avenue to success. If her attraction for you starts to rekindle keep doing it. No more being a little girl. Ditch the fantasy, kill the insecurity. Never ask her where she is or what she's doing.

It may already be DOA but that's what you do to save it. It will take lots of strength and grow you up whether y'all work out or not.
Why no? Women can request a talk, but men cant?
 

MrJack

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Why no? Women can request a talk, but men cant?
@BeExcellent explained why. It's way too heavy and it's a drag. No woman wants that shyt.

Plus as a man if you were to ever request a talk (for example she did or said something you felt disrespected by) PLEASE MAKE IT IN PERSON.

OP is not at the point of being able to even meetup with this girl so having a "talk" over text is just adding fuel to the fire.
 

sosousage

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@BeExcellent explained why. It's way too heavy and it's a drag. No woman wants that shyt.

Plus as a man if you were to ever request a talk (for example she did or said something you felt disrespected by) PLEASE MAKE IT IN PERSON.

OP is not at the point of being able to even meetup with this girl so having a "talk" over text is just adding fuel to the fire.
I would never request a talk because men dont need it. but thats how girls are. they say we "need to talk" or "can we talk?" imagine what would be if men responded to these attempts like OP's girlfriend
 

Von

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It would be a wise idea to start having interest in yourself

To start, loving your self and build your own.... your passions... if you don't know what they are: Past the Gallup Strength test

There is a reason, she allowed you to have Sech with her at the beginning.... that guy is obviously gone... and you'll never be able to have her think of you positively after what you did.

It's time to follow Cola Advise and Marmel

University do offer psychological help to their students
 

BeExcellent

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Why no? Women can request a talk, but men cant?
OP has already talked the situation to death to the point that more talking mires everything in quicksand and neurotic bull crap that makes her want to fill a cavity rather than "talk" more.

Never have a "talk" because you are feeling needy & insecure. OP's neediness & neurosis is NOT her issue and so talking about it does nothing but bore her & make her want to get away from him post haste.

She is NOT your therapist. If you expect she will be then soon she will not be your lover. That's what this situation has distilled to presently.

@sosousage its not that men must never initiate a "talk". If a man has something to say then he should absolutely say it. But the way a man (or a mature woman for that matter) handles it is simply to say IN PERSON:

"Listen." (Then whatever the matter is gets laid out directly) and a dialogue sets up from there.

OP is airing out his own insecurities over text etc. That is HIS problem, and then he's hiding behind his device too. Very clingy immature behavior. OP doesn't need to "talk" to her. He needs to knock it off.
 
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marmel75

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Why no? Women can request a talk, but men cant?
Because men aren't women. That's why. We don't need to talk, we simply walk away. Women need justification, verification, closure, etc...guys don't need any of that, or SHOULDN'T. But since so many guys lack testosterone these days and act like women in relationships---crying, begging, jsutifying themselves, needing closure, the list goes on and on, too many of them do. This is incredibly turning off to a woman. Walking away talks louder than any words we would say in those instances.
 

WeaponOfWar

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I agree with everything @cola said. He is 100% correct.

I also agree with @marmel75 very strongly. STOP behaving like a baby girl already! Just stop it.

If there is ANY hope of correction here is what you do:

Go back to when you were first dating. Ask her out, go do something fun, escalate toward sex.

No calling/texting/having "talks" AT ALL. It's way to heavy man. What a drag. You gotta knock it off. Come here & throw up all that emotional what if stuff...do NOT chat with her about it.

You have created a fantasy land of expectations and now you are freaking out because reality isn't meeting your Disney fantasy. You have moved to be close to her out of this fantasy mindset. You are VERY invested.

You are crazy needy and off the rails here (as you know). Reel it in my friend. Date her like you did in the beginning. It's your only possible avenue to success. If her attraction for you starts to rekindle keep doing it. No more being a little girl. Ditch the fantasy, kill the insecurity. Never ask her where she is or what she's doing.

It may already be DOA but that's what you do to save it. It will take lots of strength and grow you up whether y'all work out or not.
I'm not hiding behind my device. She isn't the type to like phone calls or video calls. That is why only texting. I don't really know where she lives here to just go and talk, i can find out but it would be a really big NO as a stalker. Don't want to do that.

I was behaving normally these days. I actually wanted to ask her to meet today. However one thing let to another, she told me she still wants to talk to me and then i tried asking her if she just wants me to stop texting her for a while to chill and she said no and immediately started with "can you stop putting so many questions again". I literally just asked her two things but i was really friendly, i'm not trying to be needy or anything.

Why I asked her this is because...it's quite obvious she need to chill a little and stop holding a grudge, she is really bitchy, like i started the conversation telling her a random thing and she was "uuu did you think i didn't know that?". It's complete **** and just turns me off to try and talk and makes me want to be mean with her. I feel like she wants a breather but then texts me a bit some days because she might think I might panic again or something if she doesn't text me.

She texts me, we talk for half an hour or a bit more, then the rest of the day nothing. Things slightly improved as in she started responding immediately to my texts and replying nicely, but then again when I wrote to her one day she was just nice but didn't really try to make any conversation. Just one liners or answered straight to the subject. But before this, the previous day i was a bit meh and she started talking by herself and trying to make conversation, but i didn't reply straight away and was a bit cold, but still polite.

Not sure how to deal with this, just let her text me when she feels like it and play along until she chills? Somebody told me that it would be a good idea next time when she texts me to tell her that a want to take a week or two from talking, saying that "i need a break from talking and i would prefer not to talk for a while. Please understand." by this also allowing her time to chill and myself and being a really good way to gain some power back. If i'll just tell her "if you need some time to just calm down i don't mind" she will probably just get more angry and not admit it.

I am following what you guys said, I am working on fixing it. It hit me really hard but I'm back at functional levels. Going back to when we were first dating is the issue, not sure how to do that right now...she just seems to be in battle mode. If i scratch my head it might annoy her. I know this state, it's when you just need a period to relax. Regarding the texting that's the issue, she texts me once in a while and I'm afraid that it's either because she's concerned that i might panic again or that she wants to fix it but somehow expects it to be ok just by texting even though it is not, because she is so tense - like expecting a miracle to make her not be tense so she doesn't have to take some time away from each other. or it might be both. However the second thing, i fear that it if she is not aware that she needs a break, it might lead her into believing that we just don't get along as people anymore...even though that's not the issue.

The thing is a year and a half ago, long story short, she was in a similar state, not because of me, but her ex(they were broken up and nothing happened but he was harassing her and made the process of healing really hard). She just got so pressured by that and all the thoughts and such that she started behaving like this, being bitchy about anything, not texting much, not wanting to meet etc. Eventually she told me that she wants to stop talking for a month and she promised that we would continue. She kept her promise, but she knew due to the circumstances how much it affected me, all that not talking, that is why i think she needs breathing room but doesn't tell me because she is afraid it might **** me up again. When we started talking i took it really slow and escalated and it worked perfectly because it was like her energy was back and renewed.

Thing is ... she might be pressured by me coming here a little since that is how the discussion started and me acting like that might have triggered a chain reaction in her head making her feel like she just needs to hide away.

If i get her back to when we were first dating without her being so pissed at everything it's a smooth ride, I know how to handle that since we get along awesome when...there aren't 5 fking countries between us...
I'm keeping strong regarding the insecurities, no more questions. But not sure how to proceed, keep talking when she feels like it for now and hope she wants to meet eventually, tell her about a break so we can chill(with or without explanations?) or tell her that it would be ok to just take one if she feels like it so she isn't concerned about me panicking.
 

BeExcellent

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This is a strange situation indeed. So you have moved to another city and followed this woman...

But you don't know where she lives?

Ok let's back up. Have you had actual dates with her?

Have you had sex with her?
 

WeaponOfWar

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This is a strange situation indeed. So you have moved to another city and followed this woman...

But you don't know where she lives?

Ok let's back up. Have you had actual dates with her?

Have you had sex with her?
We were neighbors. We lived five minutes from one another. We used to train together and just go at each others places, spend time, talk have sex. Sometimes go out to a movie or grab something to eat. The sex was amazing for both of us. We never said we were in an actual relationship even though that was basically dating, not seeing anybody else and doing everything that is in a relationship without labeling it.
 

WeaponOfWar

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I was here ten days a month ago but she just came where I live and we hanged, never got to see her place actually.
 
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