She is losing interest and attraction towards me because of how i acted the past month

[dude99]

Hello, This will be a bit of a long post.

I have been seeing this girl for two years now, it's been a bit of a complicated road the first year, her ex bf problems but we worked through that.

After that she left to study abroad, we started seeing each other on holidays and in the rest of the time texting. I'm bad with long distance and i told her, i used to ask her for reassuring and stuff but at a normal rate.

I finally arrived in the same city to do my masters degree, the only issue is...in the last month I went a bit off the rails, the long distance thing took a really bad toll on me and I became really insecure. I started bombarding her with walls of text, asking for a lot of reassuring and such things. She started chatting less and less which got me worried, she told me to ease up on the questions but I kept doing it more and more...

She wasn't able to come to our country during the summer so I went there a month before going to live there and study myself, for a week to see her but I was really stressed for some reason, I somehow wanted to catch up for the lost time and i started acting really stressed around her, asking stupid questions like "is this ok, is that ok, does this bother you "etc. So..we ended up not having sex at all. She told me that because I was so weird it turned her off. She also started texting a bit less since she was busy all the time, but i told her about it and she was understanding and started being aware of it.

Last week was the tipping point when she got really angry because i kept asking her if something was wrong, nothing was wrong but..my mind just started playing tricks on me due to the long distance and i kept reading what she wrote very wrong. She got really angry and since then she was a bit colder.

When I arrived here I was relieved that all that was over since I'd be able to see her. We care for each other and she tried to be as understanding as possible, at first she indulged that for a year or so, she knew it was hard for me, but i just went really overboard with it this month...and when I arrived she told me she couldn't jump straight into dating and of course I pushed her into more explaining, and I think she just feels pressured by the idea that I am here now and if things don't work out she somehow has to go through with it just because..but i didn't get that and started overreacting and she told me that it makes me really unattractive to her being like a drama queen. The next day I tried to talk to her and she told me that right now she doesn't feel like being with me in an actual relationship since she doesn't even get horny right now when she thinks of me due to all the "mommy's boy" outbursts and that she hates the way she starts acting with me sometimes, she starts being mean and making jokes, because of all the reassuring i ask her for, all the extra explanations and such and I'm really apologetic ...I'm a nice guy'ish and it's ok most of the times but now I became one of those guys... and it pisses her off and that she wants some peace.

Basically I wasn't being manly at all this last month and now she is over saturated from all the pointless panicky moments i had and she doesn't feel that attracted to me sexually. Two weeks ago we hit it off really well.

She told me during this argument that she still wants to try and see but right now our talks are really weird and cold. Basically she writes something, then I reply after a few minutes and that's it..she doesn't really try to hold a conversation. She's nice but cold in a way, yesterday she opened up a bit and told me about her day but I was a bit colder to try and mirror her..then she didn't answer until today in the morning. Today we talked a bit, by talked i mean i sent her a song/image and asked a few questions but she just answered in a nice way but again didn't try to make conversation. For example during the evening she goes online on whatsapp but doesn't even look at my message and then replies the next day.

I'm ok now, this whole argument was a big wake up call for me to man up. But the way things are is really uncomfortable and I still haven't actually seen her in person. I don't know what to do right now, how to act.

One day she was a bit more warm and i was being a little cold... I'm avoiding to actually talk to her about this and ask her if she needs some time to chill, i'd like to ask her to just be understanding since I've been telling her for a year that i might go into a weird state since long distance is really hard for me, and forgive me for it and just move on and not judge me based on it. I feel like I'm in deep **** and I'm losing her if things keep going like this.

Talking about the problem might seem just like I'm doing more of the same old stuff to her, but I just want to overcome this and talk normally and see each other. I don't even know if asking her to meet would be a good move right now, it's really ****ty. I can't do dirty talk since it will be like hitting a brick wall right now(be both loved having sex together it was amazing), I can't have an actual conversation...she's always doing stuff like going to the gym, paining, playing the guitar walking the etc. or just hanging with her housemates, it's obvious she's not that much into talking right now.

In about a week we will both start school and I'm afraid that will push us further away.
What I am trying to do right now is be myself, be friendly to her but not push too hard, give her a little space and try to keep myself busy so i don't look like all i'm doing is thinking about her and hopefully as she sees that I'm not starting with the crazy stuff and I'm actually keeping my word that i'm done with that she'll start wanting to talk more and want to meet...but if at the end of the week nothing improves, or at the half of this week I'll try to talk to her about it and try to explain without it sounding like a drama queen so we can actually work on overcoming this.

Any advice would be appreciated. A friend told me to just be cold and start appearing uninterested in her but i'm not sure that would work and it might just turn her off more since she would start thinking that I'm acting like that for attention or something... I'm really sad because of this.

You completely destroyed challenge and drove her interest down by acting desperate. Fighting and arguing only made the situation worse. She can literally hear your hampster wheel spinning every intetaction you two have.

If she is remotely getting ANY attntion from any other guy your actions just drove her into his arms.

I don't believe this is salvageable but none the less this is your only course of action to take.

You cant ever get her hampster wheel spinning when you are constantly on her way. Break all contact. Delete all social media, phone numbers and all points of contact. Cut her out of your life. Go meet new women. She is so bombarded by you at the moment you have smothered any feelings she had for you. Dont ever contact her again.

If (and this is a big if) she ever reaches out and wonders where you have been, you just say these words " i moved on because i wasn't feeling it anymore. Take care i gotta go pick up my date."

 

[MrJack]

I'm not hiding behind my device. She isn't the type to like phone calls or video calls. That is why only texting. I don't really know where she lives here to just go and talk, i can find out but it would be a really big NO as a stalker. Don't want to do that.

I was behaving normally these days. I actually wanted to ask her to meet today. However one thing let to another, she told me she still wants to talk to me and then i tried asking her if she just wants me to stop texting her for a while to chill and she said no and immediately started with "can you stop putting so many questions again". I literally just asked her two things but i was really friendly, i'm not trying to be needy or anything.

Why I asked her this is because...it's quite obvious she need to chill a little and stop holding a grudge, she is really bitchy, like i started the conversation telling her a random thing and she was "uuu did you think i didn't know that?". It's complete **** and just turns me off to try and talk and makes me want to be mean with her. I feel like she wants a breather but then texts me a bit some days because she might think I might panic again or something if she doesn't text me.

She texts me, we talk for half an hour or a bit more, then the rest of the day nothing. Things slightly improved as in she started responding immediately to my texts and replying nicely, but then again when I wrote to her one day she was just nice but didn't really try to make any conversation. Just one liners or answered straight to the subject. But before this, the previous day i was a bit meh and she started talking by herself and trying to make conversation, but i didn't reply straight away and was a bit cold, but still polite.

Not sure how to deal with this, just let her text me when she feels like it and play along until she chills? Somebody told me that it would be a good idea next time when she texts me to tell her that a want to take a week or two from talking, saying that "i need a break from talking and i would prefer not to talk for a while. Please understand." by this also allowing her time to chill and myself and being a really good way to gain some power back. If i'll just tell her "if you need some time to just calm down i don't mind" she will probably just get more angry and not admit it.

I am following what you guys said, I am working on fixing it. It hit me really hard but I'm back at functional levels. Going back to when we were first dating is the issue, not sure how to do that right now...she just seems to be in battle mode. If i scratch my head it might annoy her. I know this state, it's when you just need a period to relax. Regarding the texting that's the issue, she texts me once in a while and I'm afraid that it's either because she's concerned that i might panic again or that she wants to fix it but somehow expects it to be ok just by texting even though it is not, because she is so tense - like expecting a miracle to make her not be tense so she doesn't have to take some time away from each other. or it might be both. However the second thing, i fear that it if she is not aware that she needs a break, it might lead her into believing that we just don't get along as people anymore...even though that's not the issue.

The thing is a year and a half ago, long story short, she was in a similar state, not because of me, but her ex(they were broken up and nothing happened but he was harassing her and made the process of healing really hard). She just got so pressured by that and all the thoughts and such that she started behaving like this, being bitchy about anything, not texting much, not wanting to meet etc. Eventually she told me that she wants to stop talking for a month and she promised that we would continue. She kept her promise, but she knew due to the circumstances how much it affected me, all that not talking, that is why i think she needs breathing room but doesn't tell me because she is afraid it might **** me up again. When we started talking i took it really slow and escalated and it worked perfectly because it was like her energy was back and renewed.

Thing is ... she might be pressured by me coming here a little since that is how the discussion started and me acting like that might have triggered a chain reaction in her head making her feel like she just needs to hide away.

If i get her back to when we were first dating without her being so pissed at everything it's a smooth ride, I know how to handle that since we get along awesome when...there aren't 5 fking countries between us...
I'm keeping strong regarding the insecurities, no more questions. But not sure how to proceed, keep talking when she feels like it for now and hope she wants to meet eventually, tell her about a break so we can chill(with or without explanations?) or tell her that it would be ok to just take one if she feels like it so she isn't concerned about me panicking.

Her texting you once in a while isn't because "she's concerned you might panic" or that she "wants to fix it"

She's texting to see if you're still that guy who doesn't respect himself and if you're still one of her orbiters. Which at this point you still are. You desperately need to take/read the RedPill.
Girls are not the unicorns you think they are.

Just let her go man, It's never going to work out and that's the shytty truth.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Hello, This will be a bit of a long post.

I have been seeing this girl for two years now, it's been a bit of a complicated road the first year, her ex bf problems but we worked through that.

After that she left to study abroad, we started seeing each other on holidays and in the rest of the time texting. I'm bad with long distance and i told her, i used to ask her for reassuring and stuff but at a normal rate.

I finally arrived in the same city to do my masters degree, the only issue is...in the last month I went a bit off the rails, the long distance thing took a really bad toll on me and I became really insecure. I started bombarding her with walls of text, asking for a lot of reassuring and such things. She started chatting less and less which got me worried, she told me to ease up on the questions but I kept doing it more and more...

She wasn't able to come to our country during the summer so I went there a month before going to live there and study myself, for a week to see her but I was really stressed for some reason, I somehow wanted to catch up for the lost time and i started acting really stressed around her, asking stupid questions like "is this ok, is that ok, does this bother you "etc. So..we ended up not having sex at all. She told me that because I was so weird it turned her off. She also started texting a bit less since she was busy all the time, but i told her about it and she was understanding and started being aware of it.

Last week was the tipping point when she got really angry because i kept asking her if something was wrong, nothing was wrong but..my mind just started playing tricks on me due to the long distance and i kept reading what she wrote very wrong. She got really angry and since then she was a bit colder.

When I arrived here I was relieved that all that was over since I'd be able to see her. We care for each other and she tried to be as understanding as possible, at first she indulged that for a year or so, she knew it was hard for me, but i just went really overboard with it this month...and when I arrived she told me she couldn't jump straight into dating and of course I pushed her into more explaining, and I think she just feels pressured by the idea that I am here now and if things don't work out she somehow has to go through with it just because..but i didn't get that and started overreacting and she told me that it makes me really unattractive to her being like a drama queen. The next day I tried to talk to her and she told me that right now she doesn't feel like being with me in an actual relationship since she doesn't even get horny right now when she thinks of me due to all the "mommy's boy" outbursts and that she hates the way she starts acting with me sometimes, she starts being mean and making jokes, because of all the reassuring i ask her for, all the extra explanations and such and I'm really apologetic ...I'm a nice guy'ish and it's ok most of the times but now I became one of those guys... and it pisses her off and that she wants some peace.

Basically I wasn't being manly at all this last month and now she is over saturated from all the pointless panicky moments i had and she doesn't feel that attracted to me sexually. Two weeks ago we hit it off really well.

She told me during this argument that she still wants to try and see but right now our talks are really weird and cold. Basically she writes something, then I reply after a few minutes and that's it..she doesn't really try to hold a conversation. She's nice but cold in a way, yesterday she opened up a bit and told me about her day but I was a bit colder to try and mirror her..then she didn't answer until today in the morning. Today we talked a bit, by talked i mean i sent her a song/image and asked a few questions but she just answered in a nice way but again didn't try to make conversation. For example during the evening she goes online on whatsapp but doesn't even look at my message and then replies the next day.

I'm ok now, this whole argument was a big wake up call for me to man up. But the way things are is really uncomfortable and I still haven't actually seen her in person. I don't know what to do right now, how to act.

One day she was a bit more warm and i was being a little cold... I'm avoiding to actually talk to her about this and ask her if she needs some time to chill, i'd like to ask her to just be understanding since I've been telling her for a year that i might go into a weird state since long distance is really hard for me, and forgive me for it and just move on and not judge me based on it. I feel like I'm in deep **** and I'm losing her if things keep going like this.

Talking about the problem might seem just like I'm doing more of the same old stuff to her, but I just want to overcome this and talk normally and see each other. I don't even know if asking her to meet would be a good move right now, it's really ****ty. I can't do dirty talk since it will be like hitting a brick wall right now(be both loved having sex together it was amazing), I can't have an actual conversation...she's always doing stuff like going to the gym, paining, playing the guitar walking the etc. or just hanging with her housemates, it's obvious she's not that much into talking right now.

In about a week we will both start school and I'm afraid that will push us further away.
What I am trying to do right now is be myself, be friendly to her but not push too hard, give her a little space and try to keep myself busy so i don't look like all i'm doing is thinking about her and hopefully as she sees that I'm not starting with the crazy stuff and I'm actually keeping my word that i'm done with that she'll start wanting to talk more and want to meet...but if at the end of the week nothing improves, or at the half of this week I'll try to talk to her about it and try to explain without it sounding like a drama queen so we can actually work on overcoming this.

Any advice would be appreciated. A friend told me to just be cold and start appearing uninterested in her but i'm not sure that would work and it might just turn her off more since she would start thinking that I'm acting like that for attention or something... I'm really sad because of this.

JHC, this guy wrote a fricking novel. Not even going to read. Who wants to read a SS version of War and Peace? Seriously.

Less is more people.

There should be a character limit on OP's.

 

[CMNILS87]

You never go full retard

 

[BeExcellent]

@BeExcellent so regarding my question, what do you think would be the best approach ?

Go back to initial dating stages & go from there.

Frankly my concern would be that she is involved with someone else at this point.

Even if that's not the case she doesn't want you to have her address for whatever reason, so I can't see a good outcome.

You might be best advised to go NC (no contact) and wait until she reaches out. That requires her to reach out & make an effort.

I think it may be too late given the additional information. You need to date others.

 

[WeaponOfWar]

I don't think it's about somebody else, we were quite ok about that. it's hard to explain why. The thing with the address was that she wanted to take things slow since her ex used to be really possessive, always came to her place and get in her house and wait for her and creepy stuff and she wanted to take me there when she felt a little more comfortable about it.

Dumb question @BeExcellent but how should i do no contact? Basically just not talking to her for a while until she writes? Or actually ignoring her too for a period of time, with or without letting her know. If I just don't talk to her she will reach out as she has been doing the past few days for small conversation.

From what i see she needs space and a little proof that I am actually keeping my word by stopping with the crap, what i mean by that is that she is doubtful to talk because she thinks that eventually I will lead the conversation into insecurity territory and such. So she just gradually increases the discussions to see if i actually am able to cut it out or not.

 

[marmel75]

I don't think it's about somebody else, we were quite ok about that. it's hard to explain why. The thing with the address was that she wanted to take things slow since her ex used to be really possessive, always came to her place and get in her house and wait for her and creepy stuff and she wanted to take me there when she felt a little more comfortable about it.

Dumb question @BeExcellent but how should i do no contact? Basically just not talking to her for a while until she writes? Or actually ignoring her too for a period of time, with or without letting her know. If I just don't talk to her she will reach out as she has been doing the past few days for small conversation.

From what i see she needs space and a little proof that I am actually keeping my word by stopping with the crap, what i mean by that is that she is doubtful to talk because she thinks that eventually I will lead the conversation into insecurity territory and such. So she just gradually increases the discussions to see if i actually am able to cut it out or not.

The amount of "nice guy jusification" for her actions is honestly beyond belief. OP, do you even believe what you are saying or deep down do you realize how full of sh!t you are and ridiculous you are sounding with this?

Why are you asking for advice if you don't want to take it? Honestly it just seems you want to argue with the numerous posters who are virtually all telling you the same thing in different ways, justify it away and have us tell you everything is going to be OK and just carry on with what you are doing.

 

[dude99]

The amount of "nice guy jusification" for her actions is honestly beyond belief. OP, do you even believe what you are saying or deep down do you realize how full of sh!t you are and ridiculous you are sounding with this?

Why are you asking for advice if you don't want to take it? Honestly it just seems you want to argue with the numerous posters who are virtually all telling you the same thing in different ways, justify it away and have us tell you everything is going to be OK and just carry on with what you are doing.

Some guys actually don't want advise. They just want to complain.