BPD's can control their behavior…they choose not to

[StonesDK]

Fun update to my situation. I finally met my replacement. Because of the timing and it being the weekend. He was there when I had to pick my son up Friday. Up until now she has tried her hardest for us not to meet. She was clearly in discomfort and stressed. I went over to him to shake his hand and he gives me this limp handshake and would barely look me in the eyes. He was clearly a bit drunk so my initial impression of him looking like one, wasn't far off. She knows she downgraded and she knows I now know too. I was expecting a beta but that meek behavior was just ridiculous

When I had to drop him off, she was clearly ashamed and embarrassed. She rushed the handover to the point I barely got to say goodbye. She avoided eye contact and held her head down. She hates I've seen her desperation now.

Her manipulation of trying to keep me anxiously hopeless and possibly triangulate has all vanished. She knows she has given over power to me. And she fvcking hates it

 

[noBSgames]

Lol again she's trying to get in so this time she sends me some nudes.. when I don't change my mind then she rages saying I pushed her into another mans arms.. saying I cheated on her I was not faithful and I told her I don't see you changing you may for a day at max be normal but then it will be right back to the same old way blaming me and accusing me.. so now she's like you know what just delete me from everything I should of known better then to tell you because you will be blaming me for everything.

 

[The Duke]

Lol again she's trying to get in so this time she sends me some nudes.. when I don't change my mind then she rages saying I pushed her into another mans arms.. saying I cheated on her I was not faithful and I told her I don't see you changing you may for a day at max be normal but then it will be right back to the same old way blaming me and accusing me.. so now she's like you know what just delete me from everything I should of known better then to tell you because you will be blaming me for everything.

lol, I've witnessed that exact same thing play out before.

 

[noBSgames]

lol, I've witnessed that exact same thing play out before.

It's crazy man but I have to say it felt pretty good to say no and she was shocked

 

[051AV]

Fun update to my situation. I finally met my replacement. Because of the timing and it being the weekend. He was there when I had to pick my son up Friday. Up until now she has tried her hardest for us not to meet. She was clearly in discomfort and stressed. I went over to him to shake his hand and he gives me this limp handshake and would barely look me in the eyes. He was clearly a bit drunk so my initial impression of him looking like one, wasn't far off. She knows she downgraded and she knows I now know too. I was expecting a beta but that meek behavior was just ridiculous

When I had to drop him off, she was clearly ashamed and embarrassed. She rushed the handover to the point I barely got to say goodbye. She avoided eye contact and held her head down. She hates I've seen her desperation now.

Her manipulation of trying to keep me anxiously hopeless and possibly triangulate has all vanished. She knows she has given over power to me. And she fvcking hates it

BPDs love having power over people that's for sure, my ex gave up on trying to have power over me, it is all about control for them. When I met my ex I wasn't in the best shape my health wasn't that great. The stress I had at work I was burning out I looked awful, when she met me she thought she was going after a weak man. She told me one day she's attracted to needy weak men, hmm you've got the wrong guy. I looked like hell at the time but don't ever "F" with me I'm far from weak or needy. I speak my mind and I'm not a person that backs down from a fight. Any fights she had with me would usually end with her pouting and not speaking to me. I would be the one that usually broke the ice to get her talking it would make her happy.

The last time she seen me was a year ago she wouldn't give me eye contact all I got out of her was a little giggle looking down at the floor. I'm a much healthier man since the day she met me 5 years ago, lost a significant amount of weight I'm back where I should be at 190 pounds and I look 10 years younger. My replacement on the other hand he's got to be 80 pounds overweight, balding, looks 10-15 years older than he actually is, its all from being with her.

 

[exhausted]

BPDs love having power over people that's for sure, my ex gave up on trying to have power over me, it is all about control for them. When I met my ex I wasn't in the best shape my health wasn't that great. The stress I had at work I was burning out I looked awful, when she met me she thought she was going after a weak man. She told me one day she's attracted to needy weak men, hmm you've got the wrong guy. I looked like hell at the time but don't ever "F" with me I'm far from weak or needy. I speak my mind and I'm not a person that backs down from a fight. Any fights she had with me would usually end with her pouting and not speaking to me. I would be the one that usually broke the ice to get her talking it would make her happy.

The last time she seen me was a year ago she wouldn't give me eye contact all I got out of her was a little giggle looking down at the floor. I'm a much healthier man since the day she met me 5 years ago, lost a significant amount of weight I'm back where I should be at 190 pounds and I look 10 years younger. My replacement on the other hand he's got to be 80 pounds overweight, balding, looks 10-15 years older than he actually is, its all from being with her.

Good for you.

Yep power and CONTROL.

They must have control.

The last discard and hoover attempt with my ex 3 weeks ago i REFUSED to allow her back. The more she tried the more mean and furious I became.
Shes seen mean mad and upset here and there over the years but she never has seen me in literal matter of fact fight mode. I ran her off and she has not contacted me since, no control for her equals no interest.
**** these vampires

 

[051AV]

Good for you.

Yep power and CONTROL.

They must have control.

The last discard and hoover attempt with my ex 3 weeks ago i REFUSED to allow her back. The more she tried the more mean and furious I became.
Shes seen mean mad and upset here and there over the years but she never has seen me in literal matter of fact fight mode. I ran her off and she has not contacted me since, no control for her equals no interest.
**** these vampires

The big problem with these nuts is they will call the cops on you and say your being abusive, its amazing what kinds of stories they can fabricate that are not true.

 

[uk41]

Thanks.
Scrolling thro among my own red flags here is my list or ones she displayed

Ex smoker
Ex pothead- told me she smoked pot daily for 4 years
Commented a lot how pot helped her always wanted to smoke it again.
Was married at 18 and divorced at 22 because she "didnt want to be married anymore"
4 months post divorce she dated a guy and wanted to get married. Wtf
He didn't want marriage so she got pregnant anyways. - STUPID
Got pregnant on purpose out of wedlock to a guy she knew for only 4 months.
The baby daddy was 40 she was 22. GROSS
Baby daddy is a loser, last year claimed making only 12,000 dollars.
She smoked thro pregnancy- FOUND THIS OUT LATE UNACCEPTABLE.
She is terrible with money.
Been caught lying to me.
Showed little effort with my family, expected me to be there w hers 100%.
50- 50 custody,she was agreeable to it.
Told me and said all thro ltr " i dont deal well with stress"
Npd. Borderline traits. Cluster B.
Diagnosed Bipolar by 2 psychiatrists.
Believes pychs are wrong.
Lazy
Doesnt cook.
Junk food addict
Eats fast food daily. - disgusting.
Lazy mom, wanted me to be primary parent of her kid.
Rages yells screams. Over nothing.
Rages in public.
Bad teeth.
Cellulite on legs at 28 year old now 30.
Jealous. All the time constantly.
Envious to a fault
Unappreciative.
NO compassion or empathy especially when mad.
Mouthy, beyond disrespectful.
Drama queen. Everything is a big deal
Few girl friends
Few friends in general
Always having problems with people at work
Parents have low standards, allow her to underachieve.
Below average parent, spoils with materials not love and guidance.
CONTROLLING. Ridiculously.
Moody, can flip at the drop of a hat.
Either loved or hated me.
Low comprehension.
Makes terrible life decisions admittedly yet wanted to control everything.
Financially irresponsible with spending and saving.
Double standards, wanted to do things i was forbid to do
Didnt even cook for her kid,fed her fast food all the time.
Gaslighted to ridiculous extents. Unreal
ALWAYS THE VICTIM noted by many diff people
Wanted more time tog only without her effort
Wanted me to sell my home for a bigger one b4 marriage. I disagreed
Nonreligious, wanted me to leave my religion to go find a new one w her.
Constant breaking things off (discards) and getting back tog immediately or acting like she didnt break things off.
Wanted to control my money.
Wanted to move in for free or barely help financially
Slept sll the time.
ALWAYS tired. Always napping.
Never happy.
Bottomless pit
Nonchristian.
No effort to spend time w my family or get to know them.
Selfish beyond reason.
Mean
Cruel.
Verbally and emotionally abusive truthfully
Disrespects boundaries.
Is a no it all that onows nothing.

Good traits.
Can be very loving - love bombing.
Loyal, usually i am skeptical but this has been found as true.
Active, would rather be active out and about hiking kayaking riding than to sit in the house.
Ambitious at work.
Can be loving mother, puts kid first.
Could be a loving gf when wanted. Or when happy, usually not often.
Always wanted to spend time tog.


This put a lot in perspective.
What a ****ing ******* half the time
This girl is a pos. I am ashamed to have kept her around a year too long.
I.am embarrassed to show this list honestly.

I need to let go.
I came from a very good family and had great parents. My dad is gone but he would expect better of me.

Practically the same as mine. The loyal thing confuses me. My therapist reckons some can use the relationship itself to fill a hole and not need to cheat. I remain open minded but healthily sceptical.

 

[exhausted]

Practically the same as mine. The loyal thing confuses me. My therapist reckons some can use the relationship itself to fill a hole and not need to cheat. I remain open minded but healthily sceptical.

Ya the last thing i am is blind and trusting ti a fault, i know girls are horrible. .
But i believe if she was cheating i would have known.
I also made it known if she did that to me she would pay for it.

 

[MrAddiction]

I also made it known if she did that to me she would pay for it.

Do not make the mistake to think that would stop her in any way. I also made that clear from the beginning too. She met someone behind my back - she refused cheating, but that was not important for me. So I made her move out. And guess what: she was surpised that I stuck to my words. She could not believe I really made her move out. She got back to being nice and thought everything would be alright back again.

As said before: the Moment you are not willing to give her what she wants, she looks elsewhere.

 

[exhausted]

Do not make the mistake to think that would stop her in any way. I also made that clear from the beginning too. She met someone behind my back - she refused cheating, but that was not important for me. So I made her move out. And guess what: she was surpised that I stuck to my words. She could not believe I really made her move out. She got back to being nice and thought everything would be alright back again.

As said before: the Moment you are not willing to give her what she wants, she looks elsewhere.

Absolutely true if they don't get what they want they look elsewhere. They are too selfish to see they aren't getting what they want not because of men but because they aren't giving us or the relationship what is needed.

Couple reasons.
1. She tried to Hoover me back and to go on planned trip w her and her kid. Having incoming messages w me for days would be ww3. Plus if she snuck around she would never try to get back w me let alone an immediate trip

2. Her ex has called cps on her for NOTHING over the years, takes her to court and is constant trouble. She knows she may need me down the road one day if i ever got called into court, i told her i am an honest person but dont ever betray me because if u do i wont be there for u of u need me down the road.

3. I was very close to her family and treated her kid very very well. I helped her a lot. She owes me a lot.

4. She knows if she cheated on me there's the possibility i would smash her guy.
I never would as i dont need the court trouble but shes watched me box at gym for 4 years.
The fear is there.

Having said that she is a girl and a dumb one at that so who knows.

 

[noBSgames]

Do not make the mistake to think that would stop her in any way. I also made that clear from the beginning too. She met someone behind my back - she refused cheating, but that was not important for me. So I made her move out. And guess what: she was surpised that I stuck to my words. She could not believe I really made her move out. She got back to being nice and thought everything would be alright back again.

As said before: the Moment you are not willing to give her what she wants, she looks elsewhere.

I bet you when she saw you were serious she instantly switched to nice mode right? That crap is funny and crazy at the same time my ex went from denying things to saying sorry then calling me babe... wtf the more you read... and because she snooped on my phone one night while sleep she saw I was on a bpd website asking questions so every time she can she's always like blah blah since you think I have a mental health disorder oh she LOVES bringing that up whenever she can. What she would do is log into my phone check what sites I posted on and only screen shot the stuff I said and send it to herself and turn around and use it against me later on.. for example I was on this wedding bee site saying how I felt she was pressing me to marry her they were all in agreement that she sounds immature.. don't do it etc.. nope she made sure she did not screen shot that only the stuff I said.

 

[noBSgames]

Well I blocked her on Snapchat I had sent her a message yesterday she had 10 hours to respond after opening and on my way to work at 1:30 am she responds that "You have some growing up to do" I'm like is this girl kidding me??? She's telling me when she's talking about herself..

Unfortunately we have a lot of ties to cut and that's going to be a process in itself.

Oh and the message I sent her 10 hours ago was I left work and I'm home now..

 

[StonesDK]

No contact is our best weapon. Second is finding somebody better.

I'm already working on the second part. I have a hot co-worker showing high interest. We have arranged to go to the gym together next week. What's even better is, it's one of the women my ex was jealous about. I apparently clicked her FB profile one too many times and liked a few of her updates that triggered her. If this pans out, it's going to hit her like a ton of bricks. It would validate what she feared in our relationship

 

[uk41]

This thread and various others is helping me get over the ex a lot I think. I now just think of her as an empty machine, incapable of any reciprocal authentic love or empathy. However I hate lying or misleading myself and wonder sometimes if its just an excuse to help me lessen the pain. Was she just a normal woman who was a bit more hormonal than others. Anyone else worry about this?

 

[StonesDK]

This thread and various others is helping me get over the ex a lot I think. I now just think of her as an empty machine, incapable of any reciprocal authentic love or empathy. However I hate lying or misleading myself and wonder sometimes if its just an excuse to help me lessen the pain. Was she just a normal woman who was a bit more hormonal than others. Anyone else worry about this?

No. She is capable of love just not sustaining it. Her love was conditional of what she could get from me. Her lack of appreciation was a big relationship killer for me. I know I made the right call but it wasn't an easy one. I still have bad days where I wished I had handled the relationship differently. Most days I'm fine. It's not my job to save, maintain or balance another persons mood and anxiety. Capt-save-a-ho is dead.

 

[uk41]

No. She is capable of love just not sustaining it. Her love was conditional of what she could get from me. Her lack of appreciation was a big relationship killer for me. I know I made the right call but it wasn't an easy one. I still have bad days where I wished I had handled the relationship differently. Most days I'm fine. It's not my job to save, maintain or balance another persons mood and anxiety. Capt-save-a-ho is dead.

Tell me about the lack of appreciation! But I think most women in general are like that as opposed to just BPDs.

 

[exhausted]

No. She is capable of love just not sustaining it. Her love was conditional of what she could get from me. Her lack of appreciation was a big relationship killer for me. I know I made the right call but it wasn't an easy one. I still have bad days where I wished I had handled the relationship differently. Most days I'm fine. It's not my job to save, maintain or balance another persons mood and anxiety. Capt-save-a-ho is dead.

I can relate to all of that

 

[exhausted]

Cluster B are very selfish, lack empathy, do not appreciate anyone or anything as they can only see what they are getting and not getting. Nothing and no one else matters.

My ex complained we werent further along and then distanced the relationship from every day love and closeness to once a week at that to punish me.

I have my own home
Have a great savings and stocks.
Have no debt besides my home and car.
Ready to buy land and a home i was waiting on her to get her **** tog but she blamed me.
Was at her parents for every Holliday
Was at every sports and school event for her kid

When in fact she had 100$ to her name.
Did not cook.
Did not spend any time w my family.
Lived w her parents the last 6 years.
Had NO money to offer towards the land and home she wanted, yet blames me
Spent no time improving herself or us.
Complained i dont do enough whwn she did NOTHING. Skipped holidays w my family for years.

She offered nothing but complaints yet bitched at me

 

[StonesDK]

Cluster B are very selfish, lack empathy, do not appreciate anyone or anything as they can only see what they are getting and not getting. Nothing and no one else matters.

My ex complained we weren't further along and then distanced the relationship from every day love and closeness to once a week at that to punish me.

I have my own home
Have a great savings and stocks.
Have no debt besides my home and car.
Ready to buy land and a home i was waiting on her to get her **** tog but she blamed me.
Was at her parents for every Holiday
Was at every sports and school event for her kid

When in fact she had 100$ to her name.
Did not cook.
Did not spend any time w my family.
Lived w her parents the last 6 years.
Had NO money to offer towards the land and home she wanted, yet blames me
Spent no time improving herself or us.
Complained i don't do enough when she did NOTHING. Skipped holidays w my family for years.

She offered nothing but complaints yet bitched at me

Sounds like she was low functioning. That relationship was doomed the moment you entered it.
I read these articles and they really resonated with me
http://shrink4men.com/2012/03/08/cr...-why-she-wont-be-different-with-the-next-guy/
https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/when-love-hurts-the-emotionally-abused-man/

I could tick off 7 of the 10 signs of emotional abuse. Something as a man I was unaware would be considered abuse.