Any tips for introverts?

[zekko]

I wouldn't say you ever become an extrovert

Yeah, there's no reason to become an extrovert. An introvert can develop good social skills, the two are not mutually exclusive.

 

[ubercat]

Interesting inner game comments. Externally I think it all starts with eye contact. I can make a small study of that to start with.

 

[Gan]

Judgmentalism takes energy & creates artificial barriers between yourself & others. As a rule, people like to be around people who like them. It's why when you're with your friends, you never run out of things to say or care if you/or them says something 'stupid' or 'boring.'

I've been trying to get into this mindset after realizing how I act with my close friends vs how I act with anybody else. We can literally talk about anything for hours without much effort, it's all natural. I judge myself hard when I'm talking with somebody I don't have a strong connection with to begin with. Is there anything that you have done in the past to drop or minimize self-judgement?

 

[fastlife]

I've been trying to get into this mindset after realizing how I act with my close friends vs how I act with anybody else. We can literally talk about anything for hours without much effort, it's all natural. I judge myself hard when I'm talking with somebody I don't have a strong connection with to begin with. Is there anything that you have done in the past to drop or minimize self-judgement?

Highly recommend the RSD videos on Youtube for this sort of thing.

But what helped me more than anything was going out and getting rejected. But beyond that, making sure the rejection was authentic--meaning I would just say literally whatever was on my mind and let the chips fall where they would. Obviously, at some point, once you've tested those boundaries, you'll want to reel yourself in and start calibrating a little (When I say X, I get a consistently bad reaction so I probably shouldn't say that); but take a couple months & just stop filtering yourself.

What you'll find is that all of those negative reactions you imagine in your head pale in comparison to what you'll experience in the real world. And that what you say matters far less than how you say it.

 

[zekko]

I've been trying to get into this mindset after realizing how I act with my close friends vs how I act with anybody else. We can literally talk about anything for hours without much effort, it's all natural. I judge myself hard when I'm talking with somebody I don't have a strong connection with to begin with. Is there anything that you have done in the past to drop or minimize self-judgement?

This is a problem I had when I was a shy young man (note that shy is different from being an introvert). I was very free and witty around the people I knew, but I was like a different person around people I didn't. I'd clam up. I'd freeze up around pretty girls. I realized I had to relax and "be myself" around people, then if they didn't like me, at least it would be for the real me.

Like fastlife said, you have to say what comes into your mind and let the chips fall where they may. One of RSD's better philosophies, I think. It all comes down to practice. When I was working on my problem, I was always looking for opportunities to practice. In those days I almost never turned down a chance to socialize.

 

[Mike32ct]

This is a problem I had when I was a shy young man (note that shy is different from being an introvert). I was very free and witty around the people I knew, but I was like a different person around people I didn't. I'd clam up. I'd freeze up around pretty girls. I realized I had to relax and "be myself" around people, then if they didn't like me, at least it would be for the real me.

Like fastlife said, you have to say what comes into your mind and let the chips fall where they may. One of RSD's better philosophies, I think. It all comes down to practice. When I was working on my problem, I was always looking for opportunities to practice. In those days I almost never turned down a chance to socialize.

I think Tyler once said something to the effect of "Lower your standards (regarding conversation)." A lot of introverts, especially the more brainy ones, are very picky about their conversations. We want to talk about something substantive, interesting and intellectually stimulating. Fluff talk or small talk is not our natural preference. On the other hand (and this is a gross oversimplification), extroverts tend to be MUCH more comfortable with fluff talk.

That's another area that my buddy tells me that I need to work on. It's fine to use the one on one angle, but I have to be more comfortable with talking about seemingly "lame" topics like the weather lol. He's right though because it's not really about the topic at all. It's about connecting with people.

 

[Mike32ct]

I talk about social dynamics with women. Yes its extremely risky but its better than no rapport at all and I have had some good results.

Definitely. Actually, that can be a fascinating topic for some women.

 

[IraLeo]

Being an introvert teaches certain aspects that extroverts rarely hold... observing people's behavior and great listeners. But always try to find a balance. Usually in groups of circle a lot of people seems to be talking/yapping. Put on a smile and listen, if someone ask you a question, speak lightly and add little humor, switch the script. Key : Mystery.

 

[marmel75]

Rather than jump into some existing thread, I figured that I would just start a new one on this.

When it comes to attracting women, we hear a lot about the importance of being "social," and the word "charisma" gets thrown around a lot too. But, unfortunately, to an introvert, all of this can seem like the unspoken message is "Go extrovert, or go home."

So my question is, as far as attracting women goes, what do you all recommend for the more quiet, introverted guys?

In your opinion, does a guy have to basically force himself to become some quasi-extrovert, or can he successfully work the introvert angle* to attract women? If so, how?

Anyway, it should be an interesting discussion.

*I just have one small introvert tip that I'll mention later. It's ok, but no silver bullet.

Get a job that forces you to be an extrovert...sales, retail, etc...
It will be very uncomfortable at first, but after a while, you can get good at it and it feels more normal...
You will definitely learn how to talk to people and have social interactions with them.

It won't make you an extrovert, but you can pass as an extrovert in most social settings...however, it is very draining to me and I need down time afterwards since I'm still an introvert...

 

[zekko]

It won't make you an extrovert, but you can pass as an extrovert in most social settings...however, it is very draining to me and I need down time afterwards since I'm still an introvert...

I resent this idea that we should try to pass ourselves off as extroverts, as if there was something wrong with being an introvert, like it's a disease or something. Nor do I think you have to pretend to be an extrovert to get women to like you. I'm proud of being an introvert, and I wouldn't change it.

Shyness, on the other hand, can be a crippling condition, but it can be dealt with if you are determined.

 

[penkitten]

I always found introverts more interesting and mysterious.
Many ladies I know find extroverts more exciting, but those guys are going to talk to everybody.
I'm not really sure of any tips to give you, but I agree with uber that it starts with eye contact.

 

[marmel75]

I resent this idea that we should try to pass ourselves off as extroverts, as if there was something wrong with being an introvert, like it's a disease or something. Nor do I think you have to pretend to be an extrovert to get women to like you. I'm proud of being an introvert, and I wouldn't change it.

Shyness, on the other hand, can be a crippling condition, but it can be dealt with if you are determined.

You won't be pretending, you simply will just be more extroverted, although it's still mentally draining at times...

There isn't anything wrong, per se, with being introverted, but there are plenty of introverts who are socialy inept that would greatly benefit from forcing themselves to be more social...

 

[zekko]

there are plenty of introverts who are socialy inept that would greatly benefit from forcing themselves to be more social...

Yeah, I'm saying there are no rules that introverts have to be socially inept. They can have better social skills than extroverts if they work at it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Any tips for introverts?

Get a motorcycle.

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Any tips for introverts?

Get a motorcycle.

What about a Bentley?

 

[marmel75]

Yeah, I'm saying there are no rules that introverts have to be socially inept. They can have better social skills than extroverts if they work at it.

There aren't any rules that say that but typically that is the case...the less time you spend in an environment the less comfortable you feel in it normally.

 

[corrector]

Go on this site and try one of them tours out: http://www.loveme.com . I looked at some of the videos. It seems even the worst introverts cant fail in these places, you'll have to actually be allergic to women for this to fail, lol! Mentally it tells me that there is something "out there" and that maybe it's the culture here or city that's making it hard. I live in Toronto, the world's capital of the worst place to be for a single guy. No wonder I'm still single here. If I went to Brazil for a week, then guaranteed I'd have two girlfriends on each arm.

 

[Bible_Belt]

What about a Bentley?

It's a different set of girls that you will attract with the Bentley. The motorcycle is a luxury, but it doesn't have to be expensive.

 

[3agle 3yes]

Introvert checking in here.

I made a thread about this a while ago, I'll just post what I posted there (what I can remember at least).

First of all, introversion and extroversion are misunderstood.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe Carl Jung was the person who came up with these terms. His definition, I think is the best one:

“Each person seems to be energized more by either the external world (extraversion) or the internal world (introversion).” - Carl Jung.

Not all extroverts are the life of the party, nor are they the ones who talk to everyone and not all introverts are shy and retiring either. If this was the case why are there so many people who are neither?

If you strip away all the preconception and biases, introversion and extroversion comes down to how you get your energy.

Introverts get their energy from spending time alone and extroverts get their energy from spending time with other people.

It's really just how we get our energy.

However, afaik most introverts don't spend their alone time well. We shouldn't spend our time alone watching T.V. or playing computer games, we should spend our time alone getting energized.

Introverts need energy to spend time with people and extroverts need energy to spend time alone...we need to do both.

So what should we (introverts) do to energize ourselves when we are alone? Here's what I think:

1. Find and or create a physical space for ourselves where we feel safe and secure. If you look at studies for basic survival needs in humans, after the fundamentals like water, food, shelter, air and sleep. The next level is protection, security, order and stability. For me personally, this is a place where I can go alone so no one bothers me. This place should be surrounded by things that inspire us.

2. Read/listen/watch something that is motivating and makes us a better person. And if we find something good, read/listen/watch it repetitiously.

3. Do something that you're talented in and develop it into a strength. I think it's better if it's challenging (has the potential for failure and embarrassment) and involves real people. But can be mostly done alone and preferably in our safe and secure place. For example, I have an online business and work from home. I mostly work with people virtually but I still have to meet actual people.

4. Do more interesting things socially, independent of dating and women (even). It's particularly helpful it's something you're good at and want to develop more in.

 

[resilient]

My examples posted below.

1. Find and or create a physical space for ourselves where we feel safe and secure.

Ocean cliff that accesses many senses. Listen to the sounds of the waves. The smell and feel of the wind. The touch of grains of sand on the feet.

2. Read/listen/watch something that is motivating and makes us a better person. And if we find something good, read/listen/watch to it repetitiously.

I listen to this YouTube channel guy, "Infinite Waters" often. He posts vlogs daily. Some of his stuff is a bit out there for me. However, he usually gives sensical advice on managing life and expectations: https://www.youtube.com/user/Kemetprince1. Also, I like listening to Michael Sealey for various sleep hypnosis when my mind is overactive after studies and I can't chill the brain to sleep... https://www.youtube.com/user/MichaelSealey.

3. Do something that is challenging (has the potential for failure and embarrassment) and involves real people.

My challenge lately is getting people's attention at a social event that I'm hosting/co-hosting and either 1) get everyone together to take a group photo of everyone when they're already involved in multiple sets 2) say a quick prayer before a meal.

4. Do more interesting things socially, independent of dating and women (even). It's particularly helpful it's something you're good at and want to develop more in.

Guitar all the way. Also, other fun hobbies like archery, hiking, surfing, snowboarding, weight-lifting, etc.