Any tips for introverts?

[Mike32ct]

Rather than jump into some existing thread, I figured that I would just start a new one on this.

When it comes to attracting women, we hear a lot about the importance of being "social," and the word "charisma" gets thrown around a lot too. But, unfortunately, to an introvert, all of this can seem like the unspoken message is "Go extrovert, or go home."

So my question is, as far as attracting women goes, what do you all recommend for the more quiet, introverted guys?

In your opinion, does a guy have to basically force himself to become some quasi-extrovert, or can he successfully work the introvert angle* to attract women? If so, how?

Anyway, it should be an interesting discussion.

*I just have one small introvert tip that I'll mention later. It's ok, but no silver bullet.

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Dress nice? Work out? Be rich?

 

[Thorninmyside]

Introverts are awesome. They're the deep thinkers, the artists, the listeners, the practical. Extroverts don't understand why everyone doesn't want to be one, but the world needs the introvert. So firstly - just do you. You don't have to faux-extrovert yourself because when they find their lane in the dating game, an introvert can talk with as much authority and enthusiasm as an extrovert. They just do it in a smaller circle but can still be a magnet.

I don't necessarily agree with extreme introverts dating likewise because when you've got two listeners and no talkers - boring! A moderately extroverted woman and a moderately introverted man can work really well together. Conversely, an extreme extrovert couple not only becomes annoying to each other but obnoxious to everyone around them too.

But you can't always apply the same tools. Yes, be awesome. Yes, work out and look your best. Yes, have great wardrobe and scent. Yes, understand game. But extrovert approaches aren't really compatible IMO. Faking it wastes energy. A noisy room is like hell on earth to a true introvert.

I don't know if I have a list of tips per se, but being anyone other than you is mistake #1. For me personally, OLD is an *okay* way to at least start one on one rapport. Striking up conversations with check out chicks, cafe staff, pretty girls in the book store are my alternatives to clubbing or frequenting bars.

 

[Billtx49]

Force yourself beyond your personal boundaries. Talk more to cashiers to start. They say have a nice day, you wish them one also. Start talking more every daily chance you get. Practice makes confidence and more conversational skills.

 

[Serenity]

Let's think about this practically. If you're introverted you talk little and draw very little attention, sometimes actively avoid attention. This obviously has some drawbacks, because you wouldn't do much to even put yourself on the radar.

Sometimes people do randomly notice the quiet guy, but human psychology being as it is makes us almost involuntarily put our attention on the loudest noise. So an extroverted guy will pull away all the attention from the introverted guys, meaning the latter almost fades into non-existence.

So I'd say mostly no, you can't easily attract someone in an introverted way. Because they need to at least be attentive of your presence to be attracted. On top of that it doesn't make it easier if you barely talk, they won't easily get a feel for you and often that makes them uncomfortable quite fast. Extroverted guys on the other hand easily gets noticed and they talk a lot making it easier for women to figure out what type of guy they're dealing with, which makes women more easily attracted.

I can't really recommend anything other than get yourself noticed or approach someone you notice, someone has to make things happen. There's no such thing as "quasi-extrovert" as introversion and extroversion is on a spectrum that is variable. Meaning you're not really fixed to being introverted, but that seems to be a very comfortable belief among introverts that keep them in their comfort zone of introversion.

I thought I was introverted a few years ago and in fact I was. I have however grown to become more extroverted, take my fair share of space and grab people's attention. So am I really introverted or extroverted? Both really, depends what I'd like at the time.

 

[Mike32ct]

Great responses from everybody so far. Thanks.

Any other thoughts are welcome.

 

[Mike32ct]

The only tip I personally have is something Thorninmyside alluded to when he mentioned "smaller circle." Introverts are generally better at one on one conversations. At work parties, I try to talk to ONE person at a time, rather than work a whole circle of people at once. That works fairly well.

But I'm always open to more ideas.

 

[Serenity]

The only tip I personally have is something Thorninmyside alluded to when he mentioned "smaller circle." Introverts are generally better at one on one conversations. At work parties, I try to talk to ONE person at a time, rather than work a whole circle of people at once. That works fairly well.

But I'm always open to more ideas.

I think the common misconception is thinking you'd have to "work a whole circle of people" to be extroverted. It's not like you have the responsibility for everything, which would indeed be a crippling idea.

Group dynamics are great in my opinion, exactly because I feel no pressure driving things. I can jump in and out as I please and the group just keeps on going when I'm taking a pause. Maybe their conversation brings up something that interests me or reminds me of something related, then I'll jump back in.

Often groups divide and merge again, meaning they'll break up into smaller groups or pairs and later join the larger group again. In that situation an introvert is fucked if he hasn't paired up in a conversation with someone, he'll be sitting on the sidelines looking like a loner. I think this is often what ends up happening to introverts and it's what bothers them about their introversion. This used to happen a lot to me and I felt pretty awkward which is why introversion bothered me.

This isn't hard to fix. It's just a matter of removing the expectation that being extroverted equals driving the entire interaction, which is way too much pressure and I'd say damn near impossible. We're dealing with humans here, we all pull in different directions and a social situation shouldn't be controlled, it should unfold.

Thorninmyside is right, but what the introvert struggles with is setting up that one on one from a group setting. You'd increase your chances of attracting a woman and attracting a more compatible one by being active in the group first. This is done by jumping in when there's something of interest being talked about, then focus in the conversation on the person(s) most interested in the same subject. The group is then divided, you'd have a conversation with one or a few people while the rest of the group fades to the background. Other people may often do the same if they have an interest and notice you take great interest in the same, they'll focus in on you.

Do not try to impress everyone (or anyone really). Narrow focus down to the easiest people to talk to, those who are actually interested in what you have to say, let the rest be. Merge back into the group conversations if the one on one dies out, it's a safety net, really.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Aspire to be an ambivert.

 

[Namaste]

Being an Introvert is a very good thing if you are relaxed and confident in the dating field, you're more mysterious in the eyes of the women. You talk less, more creative when you do speak, you'll be more genuine, you'll connect more, and you'll listen more. You and her will be more intrigued in the conversation, which is very effective but you need to bring out the extrovert side of you to build that one on one. I would say that you need to be more of an extrovert in the first few minutes of meeting the person, to make her feel intrigued about you, you can't be quiet because you're putting out that energy of being boring and not confident, you want to catch a high level of energy for the first few minutes then bring it down to your introvert side to make her chase after you more. Introverts are smooth, you're more creative when you speak so just let it flow naturally and confidently but you have to build up that one on one. This would be hard to do in the beginning but, sooner or later you'll get the hang of it and it'll be very natural to you.

Introverts are very good at one on one compare to extroverts. This is the advantage.

I'm an introvert myself, always was quiet and I'm very successful in the way I approach and date women, so the first step you need to do is get over your fears and approach women to build up that confidence of yours. Practice, Practice, Practice. AND NEVER OVERTHINK.

Introverts actually have an ADVANTAGE when it comes to meeting women, but when they use it properly. Remember it's all about having fun.

 

[AJ84]

In a social setting (wedding, sporting event, back yard BBQ etc), look for a topic that is the focus of everyone's attention and talk about that topic. Also ask people questions about themselves, people love talking about themselves and you can interject with your own stuff when there's something in common.

Eg wedding:
"Are you here on the bride's side or the groom's?"
She went to Columbia university with the bride.
"I've always wanted to go to NY, when's the best season to visit?" Or if you've been before, "I was in NY back in (enter date), I was there (enter reason), great city, what did you take at Columbia?"

 

[wifehunter]

INTJ here...

People don't believe me when I say I'm an introvert. Hiding in plain sight, is my thing. Introverts can have an extrovert persona/mode, but it takes loads of energy, balancing, and practice. But, the benefits are atonishing for me, and those around me. I leave people thinking and sometimes in shock. Fun times.

When things get dull, I fix the problem, by being the life of the party...then, after that, I take a long recharge session.

It helps to have had some social training to get comfortable talking and interacting, as anxiety is always a battle. I recommend the herb 'valerian' to take the edge off the anxiety.

 

[zekko]

Introverts are awesome. They're the deep thinkers, the artists, the listeners, the practical. Extroverts don't understand why everyone doesn't want to be one, but the world needs the introvert.

I've always thought that extroverts are kind of needy. They have to be around people to get their energy up, and a lot of them have difficulty when they have to spend time on their own. I've seen extroverts nearly climb the walls with anxiety and boredom when they've had to go for a period of time without other people around to entertain them or give them validation.

Certainly they're not all like that, but many are.

 

[RedZone]

i'm an introvert and the best thing you could do is little by little break out of your comfort zone. You don't need to do something crazy like jump out of a plane, but doesn't hurt to start small. Maybe first do things that you always wanted to try. Read a book about something wouldn't normally read. After you do that maybe start trying to smile and people that walk by or whatever.

What I learned so far (I'm teaching a class about breaking out of comfort zone at work) is even something like reading a book that never thought I would lead me to read more about that subject. Most importantly when your interested in smething it shows and more people want to be around you because of what you bring to the table.

 

[fastlife]

I'm super introverted--as I'm sure most of the members are on here. BUT many aspects of our 'personality' are really just comfort zones--various adaptations & maladaptations--we've internalized & built an ego around, since they served us well at some point in our lives.

You can't just hide behind a label or an identity--Well, that's just who I am--as an excuse, especially if that label or identity is impeding you from getting what you want out of life. That's not being an introvert, that's being FEARFUL.

As far as practical tips, force yourself out of your comfort zones. Practice approaching groups of strangers & directing the conversation in the way you want it to go. Practice until you can keep up a stream of superficial (& loud conversation) even if (especially if) you don't like to do that. You really only need to be able to talk to a group for five - fifteen or so minutes (and intermittently after that) before you can isolate different people and create conditions that are more favorable to your natural mode of communication.

Also, a lot of 'introverted' behavior is just fatigue from self-monitoring & self-judgment. Work on eliminating that & at the same time recognize when you're close to exhaustion and need to take a breather. Often on a night out, I'll go for a long walk between venues or even go home if I feel myself getting drained.

 

[Mike32ct]

Great stuff, thanks.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

The ambivert is the goal. There is no divide between the inside and outside, where priority is given to the one or the other. The ego, and your social self, should be considered an interface between your real self and the real world. As it has a contingent and fictional character, it should enjoy both tension and elasticity... there is nothing necessary or fixed about it.

All social anxiety with this attitude and understanding dissolves. The world is like a divine comedy. You walk into a noisy bright bar, and remain under-whelmed by the surroundings. As you wander through, neither inside or outside of yourself, your eyes meet a seated woman's, you smile at each other, her legs press into you, and you have the most natural conversation.... until her boyfriend pulls her away.

 

[Fzatf]

Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain has some good insight for being an introvert and ambivert. It's a highly rated book and was quite enjoyable.

 

[switch7]

I'm super introverted--as I'm sure most of the members are on here. BUT many aspects of our 'personality' are really just comfort zones--various adaptations & maladaptations--we've internalized & built an ego around, since they served us well at some point in our lives.

You can't just hide behind a label or an identity--Well, that's just who I am--as an excuse, especially if that label or identity is impeding you from getting what you want out of life. That's not being an introvert, that's being FEARFUL.

As far as practical tips, force yourself out of your comfort zones. Practice approaching groups of strangers & directing the conversation in the way you want it to go. Practice until you can keep up a stream of superficial (& loud conversation) even if (especially if) you don't like to do that. You really only need to be able to talk to a group for five - fifteen or so minutes (and intermittently after that) before you can isolate different people and create conditions that are more favorable to your natural mode of communication.

Also, a lot of 'introverted' behavior is just fatigue from self-monitoring & self-judgment. Work on eliminating that & at the same time recognize when you're close to exhaustion and need to take a breather. Often on a night out, I'll go for a long walk between venues or even go home if I feel myself getting drained.

Very interesting response. It raises the question, is becoming extroverted the process of learning to become less judgemental of yourself (less self conscious) and therefore less judgemental of others?

 

[fastlife]

It raises the question, is becoming extroverted the process of learning to become less judgemental of yourself (less self conscious) and therefore less judgemental of others?

I wouldn't say you ever become an extrovert--I think at some level there are physiological elements that dictate baseline personality & how social interaction affects dopamine production and all that--but charisma is the art of self-forgetfulness. Judgmentalism takes energy & creates artificial barriers between yourself & others. As a rule, people like to be around people who like them. It's why when you're with your friends, you never run out of things to say or care if you/or them says something 'stupid' or 'boring.'

By the same token, if you're enjoying your experience of yourself, you'll naturally like the people who choose to share that experience with you.

Extreme extroversion is equally as maladaptive as extreme introversion and comes with its own set of problems. You still want to maintain some level of discernment & boundaries & your sense of self (which extreme extroverts often lack); you still want to be goal oriented & you should always be striving for depth with the people you take interest in & you still want to be able to analyse your experiences on your own time and to reach a better understanding of life.

Introvert or extrovert, you should always strive to be present and to be in touch with your feelings & desires--and to act from a place of boldness.