Girl mostly initiating contact and asking me out on dates, but distant and unaffectionate in person

[blas12345]

TL;DR
Girl who's an absolute 10, shows constant interest by initiating contact, asking me out, an putting herself into my orbit, she does not resist any of my escalating, but it drives me nuts that unless I initiate everything, she will just treat me like a friend, won't flirt, won't touch, won't talk dirty, nothing. She acts as if she's shy (except she is very confident in many other ways) or just not interested (except it's been 3 months, we've seen each other more than 10 times and keeps asking me out to do things together). There is virtually no intimacy, just smalltalk and occasional sex without much connection really. A girl like this cannot be an attention *****, she can have any guy she wants yet she invests a lot of time in me. What's her deal ?

Full story
I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We've seen each other over 10 times now. She's a f**** 10, she's been a beauty contest winner and a model but she's also a very talented musician and vocalist. We have quite some stuff in common. I knew she'd be one of the tough ones and did pretty much everything right from the beginning pickup-wise.

But more into relationship-wise, it's been very contradictory since the beginning and almost every date left me scratching my head. Here's a bullet point lists to hopefully make it quick:

Positive:

• She initiates contact 80% of the time. Whether is for something silly or for inviting me to things (lunch, dinner, movie, concerts)
• She has never, ever stopped me from escalating (kissing, touching, holding hands, sexually)
• Frequency was irregular in the beginning, but the last 10 days we've seen each other 4 times already.
• She's pretty busy, but most of the times she will bring up rescheduling if we cannot make it.

Now the negative:

• She's completely passive. It's always me doing all the escalating, touching, kissing, etc. She shows no resistance, but won't initiate either.
• She never shows affection by her own will. It's always in response to something I do.
• She never compliments or flirts with me. Not that I need or expect it, I don't care, but I find it strange that she never had any sign of admiration towards me, and I'm a young successful, good looking guy. I don't mean to sound arrogant or self centered, I just find it strange that you want to spend time with someone you don't admire at least one bit.

She is, in general, very distant when we're together, like she's not 100% comfortable, it feels like there is always some ice-breaking to do, and it is difficult to get past smalltalk. I joke around quite often with her, to which she responds occasionally with more jokes; but I also get a cold smile or she just finds it lame and will not have any trouble in letting me know.

Sexually it has also been weird, it has only been a few times, and I had to lead 100% of the interaction and .. I am mostly ok with that but eventually feels like I'm banging a sex doll instead of a real human being. I know that in the long run, this will definitely piss me off.

For quite some time I thought she was just shy and would take some time to warm up, so that's why I decided to keep going. But she acts and speaks very confidently as well, so after 3 months I have trouble thinking she's "just shy".

The funny thing is, as I escalated more and more making my intentions obvious to her, we started seeing each other more often (per her own ideas, not mine), so the more contradictory it became because she never stopped acting and treating me just like a friend "who lets me touch her, kiss her and even **** her". What's her deal?

She shows constant interest, but no "desire", if that makes any sense. Which is driving me nuts.

I can't say she just wants the attention. A girl like this, can have pretty much any guy she wants. If I'd be just an average guy to her, why has she invested so much time in me to begin with ? What makes her gravitate towards me if after 3 months she's still inside this emotional fortress I have to break into (without much success anyway) ?

In the past, I dated "some" girls like this, except I wasn't that much interested myself, and ended up dumping them.

A part of me wants to do the same here, but I guess her massive beauty and talent for music is keeping me from doing it...

Any clues / ideas ?

 

[sazc]

This IS who she is. Unless you want to talk about your needs (which isn't encouraged in these parts) you have to accept that this is the way this girl is, and decide if you can accept this, or not.
The bright side is that, it sounds like this is who she is and has nothing to do with you.

 

[dude99]

TL;DR
Girl who's an absolute 10, shows constant interest by initiating contact, asking me out, an putting herself into my orbit, she does not resist any of my escalating, but it drives me nuts that unless I initiate everything, she will just treat me like a friend, won't flirt, won't touch, won't talk dirty, nothing. She acts as if she's shy (except she is very confident in many other ways) or just not interested (except it's been 3 months, we've seen each other more than 10 times and keeps asking me out to do things together). There is virtually no intimacy, just smalltalk and occasional sex without much connection really. A girl like this cannot be an attention *****, she can have any guy she wants yet she invests a lot of time in me. What's her deal ?

Full story
I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We've seen each other over 10 times now. She's a f**** 10, she's been a beauty contest winner and a model but she's also a very talented musician and vocalist. We have quite some stuff in common. I knew she'd be one of the tough ones and did pretty much everything right from the beginning pickup-wise.

But more into relationship-wise, it's been very contradictory since the beginning and almost every date left me scratching my head. Here's a bullet point lists to hopefully make it quick:

Positive:

• She initiates contact 80% of the time. Whether is for something silly or for inviting me to things (lunch, dinner, movie, concerts)
• She has never, ever stopped me from escalating (kissing, touching, holding hands, sexually)
• Frequency was irregular in the beginning, but the last 10 days we've seen each other 4 times already.
• She's pretty busy, but most of the times she will bring up rescheduling if we cannot make it.

Now the negative:

• She's completely passive. It's always me doing all the escalating, touching, kissing, etc. She shows no resistance, but won't initiate either.
• She never shows affection by her own will. It's always in response to something I do.
• She never compliments or flirts with me. Not that I need or expect it, I don't care, but I find it strange that she never had any sign of admiration towards me, and I'm a young successful, good looking guy. I don't mean to sound arrogant or self centered, I just find it strange that you want to spend time with someone you don't admire at least one bit.

She is, in general, very distant when we're together, like she's not 100% comfortable, it feels like there is always some ice-breaking to do, and it is difficult to get past smalltalk. I joke around quite often with her, to which she responds occasionally with more jokes; but I also get a cold smile or she just finds it lame and will not have any trouble in letting me know.

Sexually it has also been weird, it has only been a few times, and I had to lead 100% of the interaction and .. I am mostly ok with that but eventually feels like I'm banging a sex doll instead of a real human being. I know that in the long run, this will definitely piss me off.

For quite some time I thought she was just shy and would take some time to warm up, so that's why I decided to keep going. But she acts and speaks very confidently as well, so after 3 months I have trouble thinking she's "just shy".

The funny thing is, as I escalated more and more making my intentions obvious to her, we started seeing each other more often (per her own ideas, not mine), so the more contradictory it became because she never stopped acting and treating me just like a friend "who lets me touch her, kiss her and even **** her". What's her deal?

She shows constant interest, but no "desire", if that makes any sense. Which is driving me nuts.

I can't say she just wants the attention. A girl like this, can have pretty much any guy she wants. If I'd be just an average guy to her, why has she invested so much time in me to begin with ? What makes her gravitate towards me if after 3 months she's still inside this emotional fortress I have to break into (without much success anyway) ?

In the past, I dated "some" girls like this, except I wasn't that much interested myself, and ended up dumping them.

A part of me wants to do the same here, but I guess her massive beauty and talent for music is keeping me from doing it...

Any clues / ideas ?

It sounds like you are one of her plates.

 

[AlphaNate]

Why not spin her and see other girls too? Sounds like you've got her on a pedestal.

 

[blas12345]

It sounds like you are one of her plates.

See that's what I would have thought, but seriously she's initiating contact every day now and the last 10 days we've seen each other 4 times. She also shares her schedule about the days we don't see each other, and doesn't sound like she's bull****ting about it. Not that I'd have a problem with it either, I just don't think it's the case.

 

[blas12345]

Why not spin her and see other girls too? Sounds like you've got her on a pedestal.

Yes I have put her on a pedestal a while ago the moment I found all her beauty contest pictures and videos on the internet (something she doesn't know I know, and that she carefully avoided talking about, which is understandable) and also singing and playing on stage (girl has talent, something she is very modest about and doesn't share much)

Eventually I realized I was falling into that trap and started seeing things objectively; I kept dating new girls and even my ex, which greatly helped get this one out of my head, but all the others ended up being boring as hell and my ex is too ****ed up right now.... so yes I am actively working myself to avoid "oneitis" but it's really frustrating and time consuming to be constantly getting such low quality girls when this one is at reach (yet with all these complications)

 

[The Duke]

If you want something serious then I would have a talk with her in regards to her not initiating anything. Tell her how it makes you feel(girls understand better when you state "you make me feel this way when you do xxxx").

Does she feel exposed when she initiates? Is she afraid of being rejected?

My exwife was a very confident person in all areas of life, but she would never initiate sechs/intimacy. I would tell her my concern, but it never made a lasting difference. It was who she was.

 

[dude99]

See that's what I would have thought, but seriously she's initiating contact every day now and the last 10 days we've seen each other 4 times. She also shares her schedule about the days we don't see each other, and doesn't sound like she's bull****ting about it. Not that I'd have a problem with it either, I just don't think it's the case.

See that's what I would have thought, but seriously she's initiating contact every day now and the last 10 days we've seen each other 4 times. She also shares her schedule about the days we don't see each other, and doesn't sound like she's bull****ting about it. Not that I'd have a problem with it either, I just don't think it's the case.

Then sazcs hit the nail on the head. This is just her.

 

[AlphaNate]

so yes I am actively working myself to avoid "oneitis" but it's really frustrating and time consuming to be constantly getting such low quality girls when this one is at reach (yet with all these complications)

There's your fallacy. You don't see that this might be a low-quality girl.

 

[blas12345]

There's your fallacy. You don't see that this might be a low-quality girl.

oh, I do see it, reason why I posted this here, since there's obviously something not working. the reason I've been giving it more chances that I wouldn't have with others, is because you don't get a freaking gorgeus and talented 10 interested in you this much everyday, so I would probably try to figure her out first before dismissing her like I'd do with any other in the 6-7 range which is what I get the most ...

don't get me wrong, I am clearly holding onto her because of looks and talent.

what bothers me is her personality, but I don't have a ton of experience handling girls like this (since I'd just lose interest and dismiss fairly quickly).

the reason she's freaking hot and very talented musically (I'm a musician too) makes me want to turn things around, as this is where I see her value (for now), so the obvious thing is to want to know if there's anything I have not yet "learned" that could turn things my way.

 

[bigneil]

I stopped at "absolute 10", especially given the length. Even I don't go above 9.9, and I base ratings on formal consensus of photos (photos that I take) not oneitis visions based on selfies published on her Facebook.

Skimming through I see the first date was lunch? Are you her girlfriend? Don't do lunch dates unless you have to (she needs a ride to a job, you are spending the whole day together, etc).

Actions speak louder than words. Without a girl providing action, there is nothing to discuss. She sees you as a friend and lacks physical attraction or she would have sex within 90 seconds of being alone with you.

According to Doc Love's System you must hit on THREE of FOUR:

1) She compliments you (strike one)
2) She touches you (strike two)
3) She makes future plans with you (foul tip dropped by catcher)
4) She kisses you at the end of the date (strike three)

You needed THREE not ZERO.

 

[wifehunter]

Could be boundaries, let her have her space.

 

[Roober]

I stopped at "absolute 10", especially given the length. Even I don't go above 9.9, and I base ratings on formal consensus of photos (photos that I take) not oneitis visions based on selfies published on her Facebook.

Skimming through I see the first date was lunch? Are you her girlfriend? Don't do lunch dates unless you have to (she needs a ride to a job, you are spending the whole day together, etc).

Actions speak louder than words. Without a girl providing action, there is nothing to discuss. She sees you as a friend and lacks physical attraction or she would have sex within 90 seconds of being alone with you.

According to Doc Love's System you must hit on THREE of FOUR:

1) She compliments you (strike one)
2) She touches you (strike two)
3) She makes future plans with you (foul tip dropped by catcher)
4) She kisses you at the end of the date (strike three)

You needed THREE not ZERO.

All good points here! Your situation almost sounds like you an orbiter that gets sex. A woman that is completely into will do all of the above. Some women are not big fans of PDA, but that likely tells me the sex life is minimal as well. While my sample size is pretty small over the past couple months, the couple women that were really interested give you "the look", touch and kiss you... Your situation sounds like my exgf near the end of our relationship, whien she began monkey branching...

 

[blas12345]

Actions speak louder than words. Without a girl providing action, there is nothing to discuss. She sees you as a friend and lacks physical attraction or she would have sex within 90 seconds of being alone with you

And I would agree, except she's the one initiating contact and asking me out 80% of the time. We saw each other last tuesday, and I've been intentionally colder this time (almost no touching, only kissing to say hey/goodbye) so.. pretty lame in terms of a "date"... yet today I got a message asking if I was free to get together next saturday. Last week we saw each other 3 times. What those actions tell you ?

That doesn't sound like someone who just sees me as a friend (even your best friends you won't see this often).

According to you she is not enough attracted to me to initiate any touching, kissing, etc .... yet she's ok to spend this much time with me and let me do pretty much all the kissing, touching without resistance. Given how gorgeus she is, and if she only wanted the attention..... she probably gets its everywhere, everyday, why insist with me ?

Moreover, she's not very open and won't talk about any personal matters, something I find strange with someone she should already trust; on the bright side, I am not being used as an emotional tampon either. But in the end, I have trouble getting past smalltalk. How can she not pick up on this and say "**** it, you're boring" ?

Again, don't get me wrong, I am no longer putting her on a pedestal. I am totally conscious this isn't working out for me. I guess I'm only trying to get some insight on things I could have been ignoring, or just understand a little more of a type of girl I am not used to date.

As I said it's only her looks, and musical talent that still have me trying to figure her out... but of course this alone won't work in the long run.

 

[blas12345]

If you want something serious then I would have a talk with her in regards to her not initiating anything. Tell her how it makes you feel(girls understand better when you state "you make me feel this way when you do xxxx").

Does she feel exposed when she initiates? Is she afraid of being rejected?

My exwife was a very confident person in all areas of life, but she would never initiate sechs/intimacy. I would tell her my concern, but it never made a lasting difference. It was who she was.

I've thought about having this talk multiple times, but I guess I always preferred to keep trying to read on her actions.... I have trouble seeing the line between "too soon" and "ok".

Also, as you said she may acknowledge what I have to say but still be unable to do anything about it, if this is who she is, which it seems. We'll see.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Yeah this girl is definitely an introvert. Even the extreme ones I've dated tho still flirted and initiated sex. Alpha window that keeps the walls up really high, rarely lets anybody in. They actually end up being great plates were you can just move on with little drama. How old is she?

So it's like banging a sex doll. Does she not make any noise at all? Any signals she's a prude? Maybe this broad is on some kind of medication.

I read some were recently, I don't know how many broads are actually do this. So basically the premise of the article told woman to date but only put in 30-40% effort. That would be hard for a woman to do this on a mental level tho.

How is she socially. She sounds like decent plate material, just keep fvckin and have fun. If you can't handle who she is then just end it and move on.

 

[Chamber36]

Sounds like the girl has no game or is low in confidence or something. Or she likes you for superficial reasons. I suppose you must be goodlooking.

But I'm guessing that you need to inspire some more lust in her than what you're doing.

I'd take her somewhere, go out to the club or something and see if you get attention from other girls to make her jealous.

You seem to be sort of placating to her now because she's simply goodlooking, which makes the whole interaction sort of stale. Maybe she just came from a messed up relationship or a messed up past where people didn't treat her well or put too many demands on her or something, and she's releived that you like her for who she is, and that you're easygoing.

So like I said. Best option I think you can do is take her somewhere that there's a lot of girls and get her really *wanting* you.

Also, make sure you turn her on. Fvcking her can't be like fvcking a mannequin. Bring out this girls wild side man.

 

[blas12345]

After a few more dates I have come to the conclusion I am dating a frigid girl, which kills me given how incredibly attractive she is physically.

A real disappointment as she is truly, genuinely interested in seeing me more from a "practical" standpoint but lacks all there is to know about showing interest through affection and closeness.

I have no idea what she could have been through to be like this, I understand some of these "busy women" are super carrier/goal driven these days and they couldn't care less about dating, but it's not her case as she keeps investing way too much time in me for that to make any sense.

I still don't want to dump her, a part of me is still curious to see how much I can get her to open up, but for my own good I will have to definitely start caring less and continue seeing other women, hopefully with a higher sex drive and intimacy.

 

[blas12345]

Basically there is no chemistry between you and her but she seems like a dependable, no frills plate.

The way women play the game is they spin plates themselves until a high value guy they have chemistry with shows up. Then they try to lock him down.

When it comes to female - male attraction, having a purpose in life beyond women is considered a high value quality.

The way guys play the game is dating one chick at a time hoping she is the "one."

In 2017, guys hope for serendipity more than women do. Guys get all emotional over a relationship with zero chemistry more than women do. Guys want love and intimacy more than women do.

This is coming from the feminine polarity. We live in a feminine society.

A man should be about his purpose that is beyond petty romance. When a truly great woman shows up, she still must initiate commitment.

But what do most men do? Place petty romance on a pedestal and wonder why every girl that shows up isn't "the one."

Keep spinning plates, and pursue your passions and purpose. Stop wondering why every girl x, y, and z isn't perfect for you. That's female thinking.

Coming from this frame, you wouldn't be able to attract a truly feminine "10" anyway. Those women always want men with a greater purpose than them. A woman can never be your purpose. She has to support it.

While you do make some good points making global explanations for some the problems I stated in this thread, you are assuming way too many things based only on what has been said, which in no way reflects my specific case in which a lot more is covered, just not discussed because it does not relate to the purpose of this forum.

I've got a great life aside from dating and women are in no way interfering with my purpose; I've got a great job that I love and pays the rent and all my bills, I'm passionate about more things than I can handle given my limited time in a day, and I'm very stable emotionally, something I've always been proud of.

But relationships is one thing you cannot have control over, and therefore pretty much the only thing I'd ask advice for, as I do want to enjoy a good dating life and not feel like I'm wasting my time with someone who won't be worth it in the long run. The reason I made this thread was to see if I could get some more insight on a girl I've been very attracted to, but over time issues regarding her personality started to raise more red flags than I can seem to tolerate; however she is way too hot to dump her without trying to figure her out more; I don't consider myself an expert either so all the information I can gather will count.

In short, I guess there could be a lot more than a simple generalization of "dude, you just don't have any chemistry, keep it for what it is, or move on".

It seems there is a bunch of standard responses aimed at AFCs most old users seem to throw at this forum the moment someone seems a bit puzzled about a girl's behavior, and I get it because it must be quite annoying to see the same beta-like posts with the same insecurity/low self esteem-driven background, but you also must know that most of the time people will not tell you their story life to convince you they are doing great, where women are not the center of their lives, but they could be just having a specific issue trying to figure out a particular girl.

 

[jester1x]

Fvcking her can't be like fvcking a mannequin. Bring out this girls wild side man.

Sometimes, the most physically attractive women can be the worst in bed. A former boss in another life/career referred to them as "Dead Fish". He said that they'll lay there while you do your thing. He was right too.

I'm reaching a bit but more often than not they are treated like an arm piece or an object to display to the public. So, they look good and get men interested with absolutely no effort at all.

Every wonder why the average or even slightly unattractive women are better in bed? They have to have some trick(s) in the bag to keep a man on the hook. I'd rather be the receiver of those trick(s).

Personally, I find the quirky, off beat, nerdy types much more attractive than what would be considered the classic beauties. You tend to enjoy their company more in and out of the bed.

On a side note, I have a coworker who has a girlfriend (met online) who doesn't use any social media like Facebook, Instagram etc., not into the party scene, reads and does puzzles. Also, she like to go biking and hiking occasionally. She reminds me a lot of Molly Ringwald (in her Sixteen Candles days) but is actually cuter I think.

I keep telling my friend that he won't find better out there for long term potential. He has himself a Unicorn and doesn't really realize it.