Girlfriend seems to have "wandering eyes"

[randalljohnson]

This is an update on my relationship, for those of you who have followed my previous threads. I'll write this out in bullets to keep it as condensed as I can:

-GF and I became official a few weeks after a punk she was dating screwed her over (she has a history of falling for prettyboy-badboys.) 2-3 weeks after he screwed her over, we met. 2 weeks after that, we were in a relationship. Im 32 and she's 30. My 9 year old son and her 8 year old daughter met days after we met. We jumped in fast. She anxiously wanted a real man, and stability for herself and her kid. Not sure if jumping in fast hurts the foundation/stability of our relationship?

-I was interested in her first, before she became interested in me. It's now been about 6 months since we met, 5.5 months that we've been in a relationship.

-She comes from a broken home. Neglectful/abusive mother, deadbeat father who was hardly in her life as a kid. Her daughter's father used to beat her several years ago when they were still together. She's emotionally damaged in ways. I also know that she has a promiscuous past when she was single.

-Barely posted about me a month into relationship when we were having ups-and-downs (she's big on social media)

- Started adding random local single guys on facebook/instagram. Likes their pics and leaves occasional flirty comments. Never had our relationship status visible on her page. Ripped through one of the guys fb albums and liked a bunch of his pics dating back to a YEAR ago.We'll call him Guy A.

-In January, we had our highest "up" cycle of our relationship. During this time, she was posting about me more, posting some pictures of us, and I even noticed that she deleted those random local guys, and made our relationship status visible, finally. She says to me (and on facebook) things like "I finally found someone that truly makes me happy" "You're so good to your son, and me and my daughter" etc. etc.

-Things seem good right now, however... When she deleted those guys off facebook a couple of months ago, she never unfollowed them from instagram. Well just a few days ago, I happened to be on instagram and noticed in my Activity Feed that she had recently liked THREE recent selfies that Guy A had posted. Just..why?? Does she view this as "harmless Likes?" Is she seeking attention/validation? Or is she not totally attracted to me so her eyes are wandeing?

-One time, a few months ago, one of our friends was looking at a picture of me and her and he said, "Dude you have such a creepy smile!" And she said, "Well we all know how irresistible he apparently is!" Taking digs at my looks. She can be pretty blunt when joking around like this, but that kind of comment made me wonder if I'm not even her type (physically)

-She has also re-friended a guy on fb who used to be her "best friend" months before we met, who she stopped talking to because he screwed her over with multiple things. One of those things being, they used to hookup and she eventually found out that he secretly had a girlfriend WHILE they had been hooking up. (Yep, another punk she was involved with.) They weren't in a relationship but she claimed they were "best friends." Well she re-added him on facebook all these months later. And Im just wondering...why?

-But things are good between us right now. She's talking to me about future plans, like things we might do in the Spring with our kids, etc.

But if she wants stability so bad, why can't she stop her eyes from wandering? I hate to say this, but is this a case of "you can't turn on a ho into a housewife"?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

"you can't turn on a ho into a housewife"

You already figured it out. Congrats!

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

This is not the woman for you, long term. You seem to be quite on the ball, so start planning an exit strategy.

She may well feed you breadcrumbs that she thinks will keep you tagging along (e.g. short term future plans with the kids) and might start making more effort if you become distant, but essentially it's quite unlikely she's going to change. Genuine personal change takes a sustained effort over the course of months and even years, and the associated will-power; something this girl doesn't sound like she has much of. Like you say, she seeking the easy route to stabilise her life, i.e through being with you. All the while, she's (probably more) in to some other guy.

You deserve better than this. Don't bring the issues up, but begin to distance yourself and sourcing other options. Explain things on a fundamental level to your son as well, if need be. It will soon be time for him to start learning about the nature of men and women anyway.

 

[Roober]

Don't fall for the "future talk" BS. She says that now, probably doesn't mean it in the future. Just enjoy it while it lasts, but protect yourself...

 

[randalljohnson]

Don't fall for the "future talk" BS. She says that now, probably doesn't mean it in the future. Just enjoy it while it lasts, but protect yourself...

but she's wanted stability for herself and her kid. Do you think she'd ingratiate herself and her kid into a life with me and my kid, if she wasnt serious about it? If we break up, she knows her kid loses me (another guy to walk out of her kids life) and the connection her kid has built with my kid. Im the first guy she's ever dated who also has a kid. That would of course upset me too. To me, the fact that we have young kids makes it less likely that its a "rebound" as some have mentioned

 

[randalljohnson]

so many reasons why this will fail.

1. Rebound
2. Psych issues
3. Loves attention
4. Promiscuous
5. Disloyal
6. Low IL initially
7. Low IL right now
8. You're not her type

what makes you think her interest level is low right now? the fact that she Liked some more of that guys pics?

 

[dustmuffin]

She wants stability and also the attention of the bad boys she is used to. She has issues. I think she will use you and eventually cheat with a more exciting I e badboy. It's what she is used to and what she craves.

If I were in your shoes I would run.

 

[randalljohnson]

yes and her public disrespect and mocking of you online and offline.

as far as the mocking goes, she likes to bust balls. thats a part of her personality. she's even admitted that. but yes she can be pretty blunt about it.

her interest doesnt seem to be waning at the moment, well other than her questionably liking some more of this guys pics

 

[El Payaso]

Sounds like you've got issues of your own if you're willing to put up with this messed up chick. Stop trying to play savior. Dump her and find someone more reasonable.

 

[AlphaNate]

Your post is a prime example of why I have no interest in social media.

You'd probably have this figured out already if you weren't on social media and were simply picking up her real signals.

 

[Skyline]

I remember that previous post. I told you that there was for sure going to be a low again and that all of the stuff she did previously will happen again. If you're getting this feeling in your gut then it's happening again.

You said she comes from a neglectful home without a father figure. Similar boats. My mom wasn't abusive but she was a bit neglectful so I provide some insight on what you're girlfriend is looking for.

The reasons why I enjoy romance so much is because of the thrill. The highs are high for me but the lows are incredibly low as well. The type of stability that I want is the type that I feel like I earned. Your girlfriend is the same way.

If a girl that I don't have anything in common with says she wants to be with me then I won't believe her.

You need to create drama in your relationship. Your girlfriend doesn't know stability and how to properly project her emotions. She lives off of the highs and lows but it can't be just all highs or just all lows.

The way I adapt is I invest all of the highs towards romantic gestures. Her reaction is basically all I care about. My lows is me calling them out on behavior. Nobody likes to be criticized/confronted because it hurts their pride and ego. But I don't care. If the confrontation is negative then I either don't talk to them or get really manipulative with my word choices to the point where they're literally speachless. Texting is also a playground for me.

That's probably the "healthiest" way I deal with it.

The high that you're giving her is stability. But she NEEDS a low.

 

[QuadDeuces]

She sees you as the beta provider, the good stable but boring dad.
Women are sexually attracted to unpredictability, excitement and anxiety, thats why she is fawning over all those surfers and gangsters on social media.

 

[Roober]

but she's wanted stability for herself and her kid. Do you think she'd ingratiate herself and her kid into a life with me and my kid, if she wasnt serious about it? If we break up, she knows her kid loses me (another guy to walk out of her kids life) and the connection her kid has built with my kid. Im the first guy she's ever dated who also has a kid. That would of course upset me too. To me, the fact that we have young kids makes it less likely that its a "rebound" as some have mentioned

I have two boys myself. To me, it is scary when someone brings an outsider into their kids lives so early. You said this happened "days" after you started dating. I dated a girl for 7 months and we didn't introduce our kids. I am not saying there is a strict timeline, but days is certainly not it. I would imagine it falls in the 2-3 month timeframe at the earliest. The fact that you guys introduced so quickly indicates she has done this with other men as well. Everyone is different on this one, but I am not going to be cycling women into my kids lives. I have 2-3 days a week to spend time with ladies.

I dunno man... the flags are there and the guys here are telling you the same thing as before... I am not on the "jump ship" crowd, just tread carefully and protect yourself and your child

People will tell you who they are, you just have to listen.

 

[Glassguy]

I never got past "adds random guys, leaves flirty comments".

Hopefully you don't live together. It's been 6 months and the real her is shining through. Next the chick. Just walk away and no explanation. When she began for a reason, tell her you're not about a flirty girlfriend.

Don't forget to throw in the "I'm going to explore other possibilities. Take care" at the end.

B!tches hate that line.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Every red flag imaginable is in your face.. please bro, PLEEEAASSSEEE ditch this broad. pleaseese... do it for us, YOU NEED TO MAN, do it for me.. do it for SS

Your fcked if you go on like this I know its hard she's playing you, the person your in love with is literally a "persona" she will kill you and ruin your life for a couple years. Ive been, seen, and read it 100 of times.

 

[ubercat]

Guys r rite. With this girl it's wings on fire abort mission.

I've been on the other side of the kitset family deal couple of times.

Don't bring them in to any activities with your kid until at least 6 months has gone by.

And don't under any circumstances accept disrespect. Plenty more girls out there time to roll the dice again.

And dude you seriously need to read up on some of the ltr and frame threads here. You re way too ltr hungry.

 

[lizardking82]

She is immature if she's 30, with a kid and still wants to **** the bad boys and chases them around on social media. Man, this woman is looking for excitement of the moment and may have already cheated on you without your knowledge. Come to think of it, why wouldn't she? Here is the deal: she's damaged goods and has found in you someone stable, but as @deesade said, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She should be nothing more to you than **** material because this looks like a sure recipe for disaster. Your kids need their dad to be stable mentally/emotionally and not on the road to being hurt from some chick that is 30 and has not gotten over her 20s yet LOL

 

[Bokanovsky]

-GF and I became official a few weeks after a punk she was dating screwed her over (she has a history of falling for prettyboy-badboys.)

Red flag #1

2-3 weeks after he screwed her over, we met. 2 weeks after that, we were in a relationship. Im 32 and she's 30. My 9 year old son and her 8 year old daughter met days after we met. We jumped in fast.

Red flag #2

She anxiously wanted a real man, and stability for herself and her kid. Not sure if jumping in fast hurts the foundation/stability of our relationship?

Red flag #3

-She comes from a broken home. Neglectful/abusive mother, deadbeat father who was hardly in her life as a kid.

HUGE RED FLAG THE SIZE OF NORTH KOREA

Her daughter's father used to beat her several years ago when they were still together.

GIANT RED FLAG THE SIZE OF COMMUNIST CHINA

She's emotionally damaged in ways. I also know that she has a promiscuous past when she was single.

ENORMOUS FVCKING RED FLAG THE SIZE OF THE USSR

I stopped reading at this point. It's pretty clear how this is going to end.

 

[PeasantPlayer]

Lots of women do this. With men some try not to let their eyes wander atleast out of respect. I notice women eyes wander more than betas will believe. It happen 9/10 times when I am going out to me or my friends or random dudes. I'm observant, so I see these things often. Trust me its an epidemic

 

[sazc]

Sorry, I gotta jump n with my .02 cents.

This is an update on my relationship, for those of you who have followed my previous threads. I'll write this out in bullets to keep it as condensed as I can:

I remember you, you're the sine wave guy

-GF and I became official a few weeks after a punk she was dating screwed her over (she has a history of falling for prettyboy-badboys.) 2-3 weeks after he screwed her over, we met. 2 weeks after that, we were in a relationship.

She didnt have time to right herself and/or do some self reflection on WTF just happened, you came in and took up all her head space. No bueno. We all need time after breaking up.

Im 32 and she's 30. My 9 year old son and her 8 year old daughter met days after we met.

Please dont ever do this again. you didnt know this woman or her kid. You get the kids to bond ith each other, and the other adult and, if the relationship doesnt work out they suffer alonter loss in their life. It's NOT good for their psyche. My rules of thmub is to wait 6 months before introducing the kids no matter how well it is going. By 6 months you have a really good idea if this person is going to remain in your life long term.

She anxiously wanted a real man, and stability for herself and her kid.

And you anxiously wanted to provide this to a stranger who you didnt know a thing about?

Not sure if jumping in fast hurts the foundation/stability of our relationship?

Very much so. You didnt have time to get to know who each other was/if you even liked the person. you didnt know if she was a closet drug addict, a child molestor, etc

-She comes from a broken home. Neglectful/abusive mother, deadbeat father who was hardly in her life as a kid. Her daughter's father used to beat her several years ago when they were still together. She's emotionally damaged in ways. I also know that she has a promiscuous past when she was single.

you could have screened on this if you had just SLOWED DOWN This would have been a big red flag for me.

"Shes a ball buster"

Being a 'ball buster" is NOT feminine. it's also a way that very hurt people "get them before they get you" and make sure they dont have a very intimate connection with someone. HIW can you get close/intimate with someone who is a 'ball buster'? You never know if they are going to lash out....

The other problem with people who are sarcastic is that the OTHER person (you) might be okay with the majority of the sarcasm, but then the ball buster is going to break out with something that crosses the line and hurts your feelings. You are going to say "that hurt" and they are going to dismiss you for being weak" It's a ridiculous, disrespectful and unloving dynamic to have in a relationship. Can you see your wife (disrespecting) ball busting you openly in front of friends and family? Can you see your partner ball busting you when you are 60? Making fun of your 'partner', ball busting, having the need to be disrespectful thru sarcasm is a red flag.

Then you go on to say that you are nervous about her other friends/relationships/orbiters on FB. This si what happens when a solid foundation isnt laid and people dont stand their ground up front, because they are worried about driving other people away. 6 months in you should be with a female who makes you feel secure in the relationship.

There should be no 'ups and downs' in a relationship that are not being discussed openly and honestly and dealt with so they dont continue to happen. If you are going to stay with this chick you need to open your mouth and start telling her what fvcking bothers you and tell her how you want it to be. her response will show you how she really feels about you. Hint - if she tries to ball bust you, ut your down, or blow you off, she doesnt care how you feel. If she doesn't care how you feel, it's time to go.

You deserve better. Put your foot down and get better or GTFO