You're right.....I'd probably tell a friend to get out. It's interesting to see almost everyone is saying the same, as I thought there'd be a few guys saying I could still recover the marraige. I suspect that it's much worse than I know about, as she's only admitted to things if I confront her with irrefutable evidence, and even then she's defensive. I think she doesn't want to lose me because I'm better with the kids than she is, I take care of the house and yard, I'm good to her, and I watch the kids while she's away on business (16 weeks last year at different 5 star hotels).
I always thought I was alpha, as I'm dominant in a modest/laid back way, but now I realize that I've shown her weakness in the past by allowing this behavior to continue. I also internalized my pain by getting depressed after I kept catching her. I resorted to trying to escape from it rather than confront the issues and make hard choices. I know the reality is that she probably won't change. She's going to see a psycholigist now to "help" her figure out why she did it, but I recently told her that she doesn't need a therapist for that, as she did it because it's what she wanted to do. This wasn't a drunken one night stand, or two people who fall for each other after seeing each other frequently. This was a guy she sought out and "gamed" for sex by telling him she was in a ****ty marraige. She tried to excuse her sexts by saying that she did it for her self esteem, but sexting a divorced male like that is akin to throwing steak in front of a wolf. Of course he's going to bite. The affair itself, the ongoing lies, the neglect for over 2 years, and her lack of effort are telling. I was hoping that there was some way to use "red pill" thinking to turn it around, but it's probably too late for that, as you've all advised me. I'll stay just to get my **** together and make an escape plan, as I know there are attractive women who would go above and beyond to be with me. Regardless, I can't let my happiness be based upon my relationships with women.....
That's also very true about me just moving out, as I'm basically abandoning the house and giving it to her. It sucks, but I may have to cohabitate with her for the time being....
I would like to start by saying i read your first post but i haven't read many other replies, so i will give you my opinion, and where i am in my marriage.
I am under the impression that nothing is technically impossible. Can you save your marriage? To answer that you have to be brutally honest with yourself, can you truly forgive her and trust her again, and is she willing to put her ego and excuses aside, take responsibility, and actively invest serious effort into changing herself for the betterment of your relationship?
Tough question's...But if she is
and you can truly forgive her with no grudges i believe it's possible to salvage and rebuild.
Here's the problem...Most, and i mean like damn near all (men and women) who do what your wife did won't or can't accept their responsibility and take ownership of it. She should feel genuinely bad for what she did, not because she got caught, or is embarrassed that it could affect her reputation, no. She should feel bad for hurting you and it should concern her that she would act out in such a ugly, destructive way.
What does she say when you bring it up? ( Again sorry if you already answered) Does she make a comment about how it's somehow your fault? ie (you weren't there for me) (I needed someone to talk to) (I was upset with you) blah blah blah.. These types of answers are indicative of someone who doesn't see the infidelity as wrong, but justified. Your pain and agony are only an uncomfortable side affect of them getting what they want. When you press them to explain why hurting you and cheating is justified they deflect, blame shift, and accuse you of doing the same things, or worse they minimize the severity of your wounds and act indifferent.
Also it's important to note that biologically men have a much more difficult time forgiving their spouses of physical infidelity then women do. Women fear the emotional affair their men could have with another woman more then a physical affair. This is well understood with lot's of research to back it up.
First question is how is your wife acting? She should be hysterical and willing to do anything to prove her worth to you. If she's downplaying it, minimizing your feelings or what happened, or blame shifting it's better for you to divorce and move on.
Second question...If your wife is that rare person who is genuinely sorry, has been completely honest with you about all the details and why she did what she did, and truly wants to expose herself to change for the betterment of your marriage only then can you ask yourself this question.......Can i forgive her? Can i trust her ever again? Will i ever truly get over what she did to the point where when i think about it i have no emotional reaction..
Most men recount that they wish they had left their wives decades ago when she cheated due to never really getting over it. That's what you and myself face. The prospects are slim man it was a fvcked up thing for her to do, but take comfort in knowing it was her choice and not yours. To answer your question frankly..yes it can be saved. But at what cost? Only you can decide if it's possible to save or not based on her actions and you being honest about how you feel long term about it.
