I want to preface my story by saying I'm 6'4, 260lbs, lean/muscular with a full head of hair and no gray. My wife is 2 years older than me, her hair is white of she doesn't dye it every 2 weeks, and she gained a lot of weight in her midsection the last few years. She has a pretty face and a nice body otheewise, but she's always had self esteem issues, and she recently told me that she's jealous of me.
We never had a very sexual relationship, and we'd sometimes go months without sex, but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. I've purchased countless books on relationships and women, but I was never able to improve things. My effort was always one sided, as she has never met me halfway or put any effort in. I'll admit that I've displayed AFC/beta behavior, as I do things to try and make her life easier, and I'm very giving towards her physically. I'll rub her body for hours whIle we're watching a movie, give her oral during sex, etc but she won't do the same for me. I've even become self conscious and don't want or oral anymore after 10 years of not receiving it (I'm circumcised and have good hygiene).
About 2 years ago I found very explicit texts on her phone, and she was saying things to the guy that she never said to me, like: "I want you once inside of me and once on me", "I want to run my hands all over your body", "I have always been drawn to you", etc. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I confronted her about it a few weeks later, and she was very defensive and angry. She said it was just an old friend, and that she was just sexting because it made her feel better about herself. She said that she would never talk to him again and that it was over. This was all happening at the same I was losing one of my parents to a sudden illness.
About 3 months later I found an email on her computer to the same guy, and she was expressing intimate feelings for the same guy. I confronted about it, and she became defensive and again said that she wouldn't talk to him again. We had continual arguments in front of our kids in the following months, as she never wanted to discuss what happened, so it was never really resolved in my mind.
About 3 months after that I found a picture of my wife's neck with a hickey on it which was on her old cell phone that she had given my daughter, and she had seen it as well, although she didn't know what it was. I knew it wasn't from me, as we were in one of our 3 month slumps at the time. I eventually confronted her about it, and she claimed that she met the same guy in the parking lot of a coffee shop, and that they fooled around in the front seat of her car. She said that her clothes were only partially off, and that he came on her after rubbing up against her leg.
For about a year after that things just simmered, as she never wanted to discuss it any further, and she never seemed to show any remorse despite all the bad fights we had in front of our kids. I did try to contact him a few times, but he would always call my wife right away to warn her that I was reaching out to him, and she would get angry at me for calling him.
I recently found about 50+ pictures of her in different sexy bras and with her hair done and makeup on. She had sent the pictures to the same guy, and the expression on her face was telling, as it was a happy/excited look. She never sent any pictures like that to me, and the only ones she did send me in the past were only after I begged for them, and even then she had a pained expression on her face. I confronted her about the pictures, and once again we got into a series of arguments in front of our kids for several days. Rather than showing remorse, she was angry and said that I hacked into her phone, which I didn't. She swore that was all she sent him, and that she never sent any fully nude pics.
I finally spoke to the guy by phone, and he said that my wife had painted a bad picture of me, and that he thought we were getting divorced. He laughed at the coffee shop story and said that he wasn't a teenager, and that he had sex with my wife at a hotel. He said that my wife initiated with him, and he knew that she wanted sex right from the beginning. He also said that my wife sent the pictures without him even asking for them. He said that she never sent him any fully nuse pics, and he promised that he was "bowing out" and that he wouldn't bother us anymore. He also supposedly told her that he was never getting married again after recently getting divorced. My wife was angry that I talked to him, and she initially denied meeting him in a hotel, even after he told me about it. BTW, the guy wasn't even good looking, as he wasn't in good shape and he looked much older than me.
I also called my wife's ex husband, who she claimed had cheated on her and left her for another woman. He told me the opposite, that she cheated on him, and that she may have been pregnant with another man's baby and had an abortion while they were married. He said that he left her in the midst of her confessing about an affair. He also told me that she had a male "friend" who's been her lover for 20+ years, and that there were allegations of inappropriate behavior between the two of them while they worked for the same employer (she was his boss).
Anyways, she's still friends with this other guy, and I'm addition to the affair she had with male #1, I also found recent emails on her computer asking male #2 to meet her while she's away on business. She took a job with very frequent travel about a year ago, and she was away for 16 weeks last year, with her most recent trip to Vegas with a huge room and a king sized bed. She also met male #2 at a get together with old friends recently, and she got all dressed and made up before she left. I know that male #2 is in the area again, so I tried to reach out to him, and he responded by emailing that he's her friend and not mine, that I have no evidence on him, that he doesn't care if she had an affair or if we stay married, and that he was going to call my employer and get me fired. I was shocked that he'd react in this way if he was truly her friend.
Since all of this has happened my wife has gone to see a counselor to help her with her "problems". I told her that I wanted to know why she did what she did, and whether or not this would happen again. She told me that she was sorry and that she loved me and wanted to stay together, but he actions haven't matched her words. We had sex a few times since then, but it was always at my initiation, and she was reluctant at first, and it was mostly me pleasing her and her allowing me to use her to get off. I've purchased even more books about post affair recovery, and I find articles on the Internet which I send to her everyday, but she never responds. Ive also sent her many lengthy texts explaining some of the issues, but again she never really responds or even acknowledges them.
I would leave if it weren't for my kids, as one of my children is disabled, and a psychologist recently told us that they would be destroyed of we got divorced. My wife also makes 2.5x more money than me, and she has already threatened that I won't get a dime and I won't see my kids if we get divorced. I understand that I partly ended up in this situation because of beta behavior over the years, as I recently started reading The Rational Male, but what I want to know is if there's any chance of resurrecting a marriage after a woman has cheated and repeatedly lied to her husband. Our marriage was in trouble before she decided to have this affair, but now it's even more fragile after the devastation she's caused. I also recently found a charge for a local hotel on our CC (from a year ago), and she blamed it on me and said she had to get a room after we argued, but that she decided not to stay and came home the same night. When I asked her about it she said "**** you" and threw the bank statement in my face right in front of a marriage counselor. Anyways, I know most people will tell me to leave her ASAP, but I also want to hear if there is any way to salvage things. Thanks in advance for your advice.
