An awakening...

[playa99]

I think it's pretty much a given that when we come to this website we are going through some kind of turmoil. The idea of this website is that it gives us the tools to prevent this turmoil from happening again.

I've realized why I can't be consistent with the happy 'DJ' mindset. My issue isn't that I can't be confident, or that I don't know how to be a DJ. My issue is that I am still dealing with some horrendous things that have happened in my life. I think I am getting somewhere and then my mind drags me back to a painful place.

I've been going to therapy and she has said I've got unresolved grief. This makes sense as I've had to act as the adult from a young age in most interpersonal relationships.

I am pretty successful for my age, however, it all feels hollow.

My Mom passed away when I was young. I was seriously betrayed by one side of the family in 2009. These are things I haven't dealt with and they have impacted me deeply.

Moving away won't solve these issues. For a long time, I run away into wanting to be a player or gambling or trying to become a millionaire overnight.

I know that getting over everything that's gone on won't be easy, I am beginning with getting a simple structure in my life and getting certain things in place to ensure I don't fall off the rails.

It's actually liberating putting down how I feel. It's liberating taking control of my own life and resolving my issues.

For any new DJ's, ask yourself, what brought you here?

It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that the way you think is by far the most important part of the DJ mindset.

 

[Roober]

@playa99

Great to hear. Life throws us challenges and we have to work through them. Therapy can help a ton in just getting all of your thoughts out onto a completely unbiased person. We are all growing and improving (hopefully) in how to be better for ourselves, our families, and our social circle. The key word here is "mindset". It requires a shift in mindset, not just changing your actions, beliefs, or behaviors around certain types of individuals.

 

[playa99]

@playa99

Great to hear. Life throws us challenges and we have to work through them. Therapy can help a ton in just getting all of your thoughts out onto a completely unbiased person. We are all growing and improving (hopefully) in how to be better for ourselves, our families, and our social circle. The key word here is "mindset". It requires a shift in mindset, not just changing your actions, beliefs, or behaviors around certain types of individuals.

Thanks, I've finally acknowledged that you need to go right back to the beginning to realize the cause of your struggles! Actually opening up is probably the toughest thing I've done!

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

My Mom passed away when I was young. I was seriously betrayed by one side of the family in 2009. These are things I haven't dealt with and they have impacted me deeply.

Losing a loved one is one of the most arduous events one is to endure. Unlike many people/things in life, the person whom you lost is not replaceable.

I often solicit placing the onus upon yourself for all mishaps that befall upon you. The important distinction here is “onus,” not “blame.”

In most instances, when you are struggling, this is an sign/indication that you need to improve, whether that augmentation be physical, financial, psychological, or intellectual. But at times events which you have absolutely no control over (e.g. losing a loved one) occur. So how do we reconcile “events happening beyond your control" with “always placing the onus upon yourself”?

PERCEPTION

In every man's life there comes a time of ultimate challenge--a time when every resource we have is tested. A time when our faith, values, patience, compassion, perseverance and tenacity are pushed to the limits. Some people use such tests as opportunities. Others allow these experiences to destroy them (very prevalent on this board).

What creates the difference in the way we respond to adversity? What creates a leader and producer? What creates failure other than lack of work discipline? Why is it we have some people with joyous lives despite almost every significant adversity and others who would seem to have it all live lives of self-pity, -denigration or -depression? What is the difference in the way that we think?

The loss of a loved one (IMO) is the most difficult challenge to transcend. But we have to ask ourselves a deeper, more introspective question? Why?

What was the purpose this person was brought into your life? A very specific purpose, I can assure you. What have you learned?

What was the purpose of this person’s death? A very specific purpose, I can assure you. What have you learned from their passing?

CHOOSE a profound, positively compelling perception. One powerful perception that I use and will share with you is as follows: No bad can fall upon me. For the discerning mind, this perception is truly empowering, as you extract immeasurable power out of all ostensibly negative events by looking for the most constructive "penetration."

Contextualize and connect the dots, my friend. Further, choose the perception which empowers/serves you best.

 

[playa99]

Losing a loved one is one of the most arduous events one is to endure. Unlike many people/things in life, the person whom you lost is not replaceable.

I often solicit placing the onus upon yourself for all mishaps that befall upon you. The important distinction here is “onus,” not “blame.”

In most instances, when you are struggling, this is an sign/indication that you need to improve, whether that augmentation be physical, financial, psychological, or intellectual. But at times events which you have absolutely no control over (e.g. losing a loved one) occur. So how do we reconcile “events happening beyond your control" with “always placing the onus upon yourself”?

PERCEPTION

In every man's life there comes a time of ultimate challenge--a time when every resource we have is tested. A time when our faith, values, patience, compassion, perseverance and tenacity are pushed to the limits. Some people use such tests as opportunities. Others allow these experiences to destroy them (very prevalent on this board).

What creates the difference in the way we respond to adversity? What creates a leader and producer? What creates failure other than lack of work discipline? Why is it we have some people with joyous lives despite almost every significant adversity and others who would seem to have it all live lives of self-pity, -denigration or -depression? What is the difference in the way that we think?

The loss of a loved one (IMO) is the most difficult challenge to transcend. But we have to ask ourselves a deeper, more introspective question? Why?

What was the purpose this person was brought into your life? A very specific purpose, I can assure you. What have you learned?

What was the purpose of this person’s death? A very specific purpose, I can assure you. What have you learned from their passing?

CHOOSE a profound, positively compelling perception. One powerful perception that I use and will share with you is as follows: No bad can fall upon me. For the discerning mind, this perception is truly empowering, as you extract immeasurable power out of all ostensibly negative events by looking for the most constructive "penetration."

Contextualize and connect the dots, my friend. Further, choose the perception which empowers/serves you best.

Very interesting insight. Would you say we let bad things happen to us and choose to see the negative? As opposed to reinventing & learning from the event.

I can gain a lot out of my Mom's time with me. The other event is still unresolved & plagues me every week! As of right now I cannot accept it as I do not have closure and cannot get it!

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Very interesting insight. Would you say we let bad things happen to us and choose to see the negative? As opposed to reinventing & learning from the event.

I can gain a lot out of my Mom's time with me. The other event is still unresolved & plagues me every week! As of right now I cannot accept it as I do not have closure and cannot get it!

Most don't evolve with ostensibly negative events; they descend and live life drowned in a pool of ambiguity and despondence until their death.

We all can choose to see the "negative" when events "feel" they have taken a part of us. I choose to perceive these ostensibly negative events not as a part of me lost, but rather a new me gained. Both my parents were taken from me in an instant. As much as I would love to see them here, their passing shaped/incited certain behaviors, acts (which have helped many and myself), and evolvement that I would not have undertaken otherwise. So I contextualize their passing as a necessity; a blessing--not a negative anchor.

Your need for closure demonstrates that you look at the event as happening to you, as opposed to for you.

 

[playa99]

What @l_e_g_e_n_d says is true.

I have realized that the negative events in my life have permeated my mindset and affected every single aspect of my life. A few bad events have got to me and extrapolated onto my whole being.

Simply put, I cannot resolve this event without burning bridges with one side of my family, which at the moment I am not prepared to do. What happened is inconsequential when compared to other aspects of my life. I need to grow up and move on with my life.

What this event is making me realize that being a 'Don Juan' stretches beyond how you portray yourself to people outside of your family. I thought that being with my family was a 'safe place' where I could relax and the facade could come away temporarily. Truth be told I was still a 'nice guy' with my family and still am.

Since what happened, everything has suffered. Women, career, the lot! What happened wasn't nice, but I should have controlled myself a lot better.

Simply put you cannot be a nice guy & a DJ. You end up conflicted. This doesn't mean you can't be nice, it just means you gotta get rid of your character defects, no exceptions.

I am realizing when life challenges you, you can only build your character. You can play the victim all of your life, it isn't going to get you anywhere!

I am finally grasping what is meant by changing the way you think. Identifying negative thoughts & challenging them is crucial in changing your thought processes.

Want to know if you've 'cracked it' yet? Ask yourself honestly what you're like when the shields come down.

 

[playa99]

UPDATE:

Today is a good day, I have finally self-excluded from all forms of betting. I can move on with my life & not worry that I'm going to slip up. I haven't had a bet for a long time, however, I would have access to it if I wanted it. That is gone for now & it is liberating.

I can use this as an analogy for the end of any relationship. Having closure is important, it allows you to move on. This is why when a relationship with a woman ends, NC is vital. It enables you to move on with your life.

Attention is your currency, use it wisely.

 

[playa99]

I am unplugging myself from the 'matrix' that my family set up for me. The belief systems set up for you when you are younger are invariably what you end up believing. I come from a working-class family whose belief is that businesses are inherently evil. The essence of their beliefs is that you should 'stay in your lane'.

My Mom died when I was young and when that happens, in other people's eyes, you become 'The guy who has lost his Mom.' What happens next is people expect that I should be a broken man and a piece of me should always be missing. I have believed that I shouldn't be ok, that I should be upset because that's what society tells you.

Honestly, I got over my Mom dying fast, grief doesn't bother me. The aftermath is what bothered me.

Doing what society expects of you is the crux of why I ended up coming here.

If I could give one piece of advice to any new poster it is this: Stop placing so much stock in what other people think. Take control of your own destiny.

Sosuave came into my life when I was 14 & it gave me belief that there is a better life available to me. Back then it was about improving your life and learning the techniques to get women as well. There was no talk of 'MGTOW'. I am positive that a lot of posters here now cannot have read the DJ Bible. They lack a rudimentary understanding of the DJ mindset.

The evolution of the manosphere has hurt the quality of this site possibly forever.

I am beginning to burn my brain out coming on here all the time. I believe a lot of posters are the same. I may not comment on every single post but I log on extremely frequently and read most of the posts on the main forum.

With this in mind, I am taking a step back from coming on here. I will still post but I am going to vastly dial back how much I am on here.

It is a sign I am not focused on progressing my life as much as I should be.

I have said this several times in the past year, but I am truly ready to progress now & I know logging on here all the time won't achieve that.

 

[playa99]

Today is a good day. I completed therapy!

I have learned that I need to disentangle myself from the belief constructs set up by my family when I was young.

When I was young I was told by various members of my family that having a lot of anything in life is bad, whether that be women, money or anything else.

My cousin wanted to act on broadway. My Grandparents refer to this as the 'impossible dream'

This isn't to say that achieving a goal doesn't take a lot of work. It is to say that it isn't impossible & any set backs you have are all progress on the route to success.

I've been inbetween success & failure in business because I haven't wanted to give credence to their belief that running a successful business is an 'impossible dream'.

Moral of the story: It doesn't matter who believes in me, as long as i do!

 

[Atom Smasher]

Way to go, man. Keep it up. Very inspiring.

 

[playa99]

RANT INCOMING:

I am fast learning that how your life pans out is down to one thing: YOU.

For a while now I must admit I have played the victim. I have placed blame on other people for my situation when in reality, the onus is upon one person, me!

I think sometimes we can be blinded by our proximity to situations in our life to see what is actually going on. With my ex-girlfriend, I missed so many red flags because I thought I could make things work. You've gotta call a spade a spade sometimes. Dating down is never a good idea. I certainly did this with my ex & I paid dearly.

The main thing I have suffered with is a lack of self-belief. I know I have the ability & knowledge to be a DJ, but actually implementing the mindset shown on here can be tough!

I've looked at myself and I simply need to believe. I've got my own business, house & nice car without truly believing in myself. The next stage for me is believing & ridding myself of ego.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I am fast learning that how your life pans out is down to one thing: YOU.

For a while now I must admit I have played the victim. I have placed blame on other people for my situation when in reality, the onus is upon one person, me!

This is the only over-arching theme you always need to remember in a nutshell. Well done for getting there. Half the guys in this forum seemingly never will; like you say, bent on blaming others, and sit around b!tching at the world outside instead.

If you want a few slightly alternative videos to listen to, I recommend; Brent Smith, Zan Perrion, Marcus Oakey, Sasha, James Marshall. They aren't really 'DJs' in the typical sense, rather seem to test the boundaries of what are accepted theories.

These guys who are worth listening to have clearly been doing this stuff for 10-20 years before they are considered authority figures; all in their late 30's or 40's. Be safe in the knowledge you are enlightened at such an early age.

Lastly don't be too hard on yourself. The only way we learn is by fcking up (occasionally, and not too badly). For example, even to this very day, I realise that I still subconsciously pedestalise women that I meet, albeit much less than I use to, and it's much easier to bring them back down nowadays (i.e. before I fck the whole thing up). It really is a very gradual process if you do it right.

 

[playa99]

@TheMonkeyKing Nice one! Will give them a listen.

I can tell you've come a long way from a year ago! It is a continual process & I am coming out of a low period.

Desperation really is evil, I haven't been desperate for women in a long time per se, but I have been desperate for my business to succeed. So much so that it has permeated every aspect of my life.

I am finding that you must apply the DJ mindset to all aspects of your life for it to truly work. You can't say 'Oh, well I've got women locked down, but I'm gonna be an absolute chump at work'

Actually changing your mindset is challenging, but that is where true happiness begins!

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

You can't say 'Oh, well I've got women locked down, but I'm gonna be an absolute chump at work'

Actually changing your mindset is challenging, but that is where true happiness begins!

Well exactly. It's even more a matter of changing just mindset (though mindset is paramount); in some cases it's a matter of becoming a completely different person altogether. And that's not for the sake of anyone else, but actually becoming the people that we want to be. The rest is just extra-curricular benefit.

It's easy to lift a few weights, buy some sharp clothes, learn a few jokes and techniques to achieve some mediocre level success. I say why stop there, and you seem to agree. Keep up the good work.

 

[playa99]

I came to this website in 2007 & often thought that I only came here due to being rejected in high school. I have recently realized that is a factor, but not the whole story.

My Mom died when I was relatively young & since then my Dad has embarked on a series of failed relationships. From a young age (12), he involved me in setting his OLD profiles up & getting my opinion on issues in his relationships. He has had 2 relationships in particular that have stood out. One with a woman who was diagnosed bi-polar and was abusive throughout the relationship, this went on for around 5 years on and off. I am convinced his current girlfriend is cluster B somehow as well. She tries to involve me in their arguments and my Dad incessantly talks about the issues they have!

The more I think about it, this has been the KEY issue since my Mom died & I've never really expressed any emotion about it.

I think when I analyze my feelings deeper this is an issue I need to resolve.

I need to accept that I can't change my Dad's thought process, no matter how much advice I give him. These relationships are my Dads issues, not mine! I need to confront my Dad about the things that have gone on, a simple apology does not suffice.

I am going to put a stop to my Dad talking about his relationship issues with me.

 

[playa99]

The further I go down the rabbit hole, the more I realize.

I have realized how little of a priority women should be in your life.

Every contender should be trying to become more of a priority in your life and submitting to your frame. It is up to you to decipher whether they are there for legitimate reasons or nefarious ones. I am realizing that it doesn't matter who you are, what you own or where you go, YOU are the only constant. I have substantially cut my monthly outgoings by canceling fancy gym memberships amongst other things.

Working with family is tough. My Dad has a history of forcing his issues on me long before we set up a business together. I need to stay tough & not let this happen.

For a long time I blamed him, rather it is me who lets him do this, so the onus is upon me. Once you take ownership of your issues, you begin to feel better.

 

[playa99]

Update:

I saw an article today and it's made me have the biggest revelation I've had in years.

For a long time I've been depressed!

I think deep down I've known this but not been able to accept it, I've been living in denial for a long time.

Its weird because I do function & on the whole my life is good. I earn a good wage for my age and I am setting up a variety of businesses.

That being said, I can't bring myself to drive these businesses forward & make them succeed to the level I deeply desire. Getting out of bed & into work is a struggle. I do it, but it is a struggle! My mind constantly burns with a treadmill of thoughts & insecurities.

I'm not suicidal but I must admit the thought has crossed my mind a few times in the past gear!

Ive made my way into the top 10% of males my age & I'm not happy. I feel as though I have no control over my life.

I try and take control and I may come here and post about how I'm going to change my life and whilst it does improve, I still feel the same!

I see guys like Chris Cornell & Chester Bennington commiting suicide and I'm determined that isn't going to be me!

Why am I depressed?

• It could be unresolved grief issues from family passing away.
• It could be insecurities from being bullied when I was younger.
• It could be being a gambling addict and feelings of shame & guilt.
• It could be feeling like I don't fit in.
• It could be a tumultuous relationship with my Dad.

I think it's all this & more importantly, not accepting that this stuff has an emotional impact.

I've tried to show people I'm ok from a young age, rather than actually processing my emotions & being okay. I feel emotional writing this post, because it's the first time I'm admitting my problem.

Im not depressed all the time & have had periods of feeling great. Namely from being 16-18!

I need to take control of my life and gain my confidence back. Coming to the forum & admitting the problem is the first step. The next thing I'm going to do is get a therapist. I'm also going to set up a diet plan & workout plan that I'm in control of. I'm going to fire any clients that affect my mental wellbeing.

I'm going to talk to my Dad and tell him how I feel. I know he will understand!

 

[soulforge]

Fantastic post.

The fact that a level 5 woman can yield so much power is proof of how weak, manipulated and desperate most men are these days. This is what the blue pill agenda wants though.

Most relationships with women degrade over time as the woman expects more from you while giving less at the same time. The price of her p*ssy rises the longer you stay with her as she expects constant "progression" of the relationship which is really just code for shifting the relationship from being on YOUR terms to being on HER terms. She will create drama and confusion to make you fall in line. Since most men are faggots.. they give in rather than just ignoring her and f*cking her friend/sister instead. Men are basically punished for emotionally committing to women.. yet they do it anyway. Its pretty stupid. But women are skilled at manipulating men so this is really not a big surprise.

MEN: There is ZERO benefit to emotionally committing to a woman. Women don't exist for you to fall in love with them. They exist for reproduction, sexual pleasure and entertainment. They don't exist to be your emotional support system. This is why women grow to disrespect men who fall in love with them and submit to them. Look at most couples and you will see that the relationships where the man is indifferent and strong are also the relationships where the man is respected. Women do NOT respect any kind of pandering to their desires. They love when you do it.. but they don't respect you for it. Most men today pander... so their women see them only as a utility to use and show off to friends and family.. while boosting her social status.. like a dog or a nice car. But she masturbates to real men. Strong men.

By never giving full emotional commitment to ANY woman EVER.. you keep the power and you keep the women in your life acting right. Men who engage in beta submission to one woman usually come out of those relationships completely embarrassed and devastated when the woman eventually leaves.

This is fuking spot on.. woman absolutely do not respect a guy who puts her on a pedestal.

I have learnt this the hard way.. Yes you can care for her, but NEVER make her such an important thing in your life..

 

[Atom Smasher]

Update:

I saw an article today and it's made me have the biggest revelation I've had in years.

For a long time I've been depressed!

I think deep down I've known this but not been able to accept it, I've been living in denial for a long time.

Its weird because I do function & on the whole my life is good. I earn a good wage for my age and I am setting up a variety of businesses.

That being said, I can't bring myself to drive these businesses forward & make them succeed to the level I deeply desire. Getting out of bed & into work is a struggle. I do it, but it is a struggle! My mind constantly burns with a treadmill of thoughts & insecurities.

I'm not suicidal but I must admit the thought has crossed my mind a few times in the past gear!

Ive made my way into the top 10% of males my age & I'm not happy. I feel as though I have no control over my life.

I try and take control and I may come here and post about how I'm going to change my life and whilst it does improve, I still feel the same!

I see guys like Chris Cornell & Chester Bennington commiting suicide and I'm determined that isn't going to be me!

Why am I depressed?

• It could be unresolved grief issues from family passing away.
• It could be insecurities from being bullied when I was younger.
• It could be being a gambling addict and feelings of shame & guilt.
• It could be feeling like I don't fit in.
• It could be a tumultuous relationship with my Dad.

I think it's all this & more importantly, not accepting that this stuff has an emotional impact.

I've tried to show people I'm ok from a young age, rather than actually processing my emotions & being okay. I feel emotional writing this post, because it's the first time I'm admitting my problem.

Im not depressed all the time & have had periods of feeling great. Namely from being 16-18!

I need to take control of my life and gain my confidence back. Coming to the forum & admitting the problem is the first step. The next thing I'm going to do is get a therapist. I'm also going to set up a diet plan & workout plan that I'm in control of. I'm going to fire any clients that affect my mental wellbeing.

I'm going to talk to my Dad and tell him how I feel. I know he will understand!

This is actually a great revelation. So often we men go year after year suffering from depression without even realizing it. It's interesting that you cite a tumultuous relationship with your dad, yet you feel comfortable talking to him about how you feel, confident that he will understand. That's a real blessing to have him there to talk to.

Probably the most effective way I've ever found to gain confidence, whether in business or socially, and in every other way, has been to break goals down into the tiniest of chunks. Sometimes we put massive, overwhelming pressure on ourselves because we keep seeing the magnitude of how far we have to go, discounting how far we've already come. A great read is the book, "The One Thing", by Gary Keller. He shows how we can beat overwhelm and stagnation by identifying the simple, ONE next step we need to take in any area of life. This book really helped me to get a sense of control in my life.

I would also advise every man to get his spiritual life in order. I personally believe that when we are not right with God, life tends to run roughshod over us and past hurts and regrets have free reign to hound us from the back burner, which is always left on, just simmering away, thereby affecting how we perceive the world. Nuff said here. If anyone want me to expound on this, PM me.

If you do see a counselor, make sure to find a MALE counselor and not a female. A female counselor can easily set a man back and confuse him even further. When it comes to counseling, men need male energy.

I know this is all unsolicited advice, but I thought I'd throw it on the table in case any of it might resonate with you or one of the readers here. Can't hurt.

You've reached a real milestone by recognizing your depression, and this first step is the basis upon which you'll overcome it.