Wife cheated on me....need advice.

[mrgoodstuff]

Sounds like her life up to this point has been pretty devastating as well. Something to think about.


Statistics vs. your own personal experience. I think I'll go with the stats in this case.

You gotta do your own research and choose the counselor. If you allow the wife to choose your probably screwed. I searched specifically for relationship friendly ones who believed that intimacy is IMPORTANT to a relationship.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Please read this and seriously consider it:

Your wife is already 2 steps ahead of you. She cares about herself more than she cares about your children. She doesn't give a shiz that you're a good father. She is however, greatly concerned that she will have to pay you child support and alimony.

Please stop thinking that she will have a sense of morality like you do. She does not. All she cares about is herself.

You are in for the fight of your life. And you, quite literally, are fighting for your life.

Get the best lawyer you can. Document as much as you can. Technically, with no fault divorce, the law doesn't care if she banged 50 guys. However, a judge has some flexibility in the decisions they give. If need be, you could potentially paint a picture in court that you were home being the responsible parent, while she was fvcking some dude in a hotel. Believe me, that could influence a judge's decision on custody. Also, if she used marital assets for hotels, entertainment , food, etc. while she was whoring around, that is admissible evidence in court.

Strongly consider alimony. Think of it this way: you're the better parent than she is. Even if you don't need it, you could set that money aside to fund college for your kids, etc.

Think as clearly and unemotionally about this as you can. Your goal is to fight for what you want for yourself and your children. Don't let her goad you into doing something stupid. Be as cool as possible and stay one step ahead of her.

-Augustus-

 

[logicallefty]

A lot of great advice given here already. My only comment is to be careful with the counselors. Based on my experiences it's too darn hard to find a good one. They are out there, but counselors are generally biased towards the female. I think you have and will continue to get much better counseling and support right here on So Suave. Right now you need real advice and real support, in real reality.. Not some fake feminized fictional bvllshYt that most counselors would give you. And you can't beat the price! We are men who have been through this sh|t and have no motive to give you bad advice that isn't genuine and based on our own experiences. I married a fvcking bigamist, OK. She had two other lawful husbands unbenounced to me when I married her. Plus was cheating on me with 3 additional men. Welcome to reality Sir. And welcome to So Suave.

 

[Milano]

I have an alpha career and alpha appearance, but I've definitely been way too nice to her, so I've been beta in that regard. Although I question neediness, as any guy would be needy if your wife didn't have sex with you for months at a time.


As far as my kids, they're 8 and 3, and as I said before, one of them is disabled and has OCD, anxiety, meltdowns, and learning disabilities amongst other things. She has a panic attack if I even walk out of the room, so joint custody is going to be devastating for her.

If your wife does not want to have sex with you for months at a time there is something horribly wrong and you should never accept this. Normally it directly means cheating.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

If your wife does not want to have sex with you for months at a time there is something horribly wrong and you should never accept this. Normally it directly means cheating.

Cheating in action or cheating in MIND. Sometimes they are competitive against you and don't want to HELP you by having sex with you. So withholding is a form of cheating. Even if it's great sex! There are some crazy women out there folks!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Please read this and seriously consider it:

Your wife is already 2 steps ahead of you. She cares about herself more than she cares about your children. She doesn't give a shiz that you're a good father. She is however, greatly concerned that she will have to pay you child support and alimony.

Please stop thinking that she will have a sense of morality like you do. She does not. All she cares about is herself.

You are in for the fight of your life. And you, quite literally, are fighting for your life.

Get the best lawyer you can. Document as much as you can. Technically, with no fault divorce, the law doesn't care if she banged 50 guys. However, a judge has some flexibility in the decisions they give. If need be, you could potentially paint a picture in court that you were home being the responsible parent, while she was fvcking some dude in a hotel. Believe me, that could influence a judge's decision on custody. Also, if she used marital assets for hotels, entertainment , food, etc. while she was whoring around, that is admissible evidence in court.

Strongly consider alimony. Think of it this way: you're the better parent than she is. Even if you don't need it, you could set that money aside to fund college for your kids, etc.

Think as clearly and unemotionally about this as you can. Your goal is to fight for what you want for yourself and your children. Don't let her goad you into doing something stupid. Be as cool as possible and stay one step ahead of her.

-Augustus-

Right! She's doing a "keep friends close but enemies closer" type of deal on you. I tell people after the wife makes a conscious decision to cheat and KEEP cheating, she is playing the game of life AGAINST you. They cheat you in so many other ways it's ridiculous.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

FYI: the counseling is pure bullshiz & window dressing at this point. However, just be aware of how it might potentially be used in court by your wife to paint herself in a good light in terms of divorce settlement and child custody.

-Augustus-

 

[MrAddiction]

the counseling is pure bullshiz & window dressing at this point

To quote rollo: you can not negotiate desire!
https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/

 

[The_Real_Batman]

I picked out a female therapist years ago, and in one session my wife admitted to neglecting my needs, but she claimed she didn't know why. My wife eventually dropped out of counseling because she thought the therapist sided with me, and she refuses to see her again despite the fact that she knows us better than anyone else. The female therapist was the first one who saw the texts that my wife had been sending and receiving, and she bluntly told me that it wasn't just playful sexting, rather they either already had sex or they were about to have it. It was nice to have a female tell me she was in the wrong and that she was lucky to have me.

I think the bottom line is that I have to look at what kind of a person I've become because of her: angry, upset, paranoid, etc. The last 2+ years have been a living hell on me and I've taken it out on myself by drinking, not taking care of myself, etc. I understand relationships are work, and I've always invested time in ours by reading books and articles, thinking of creative and imaginitive ideas, etc, but it shouldn't be an uphill battle for years.

If anything I'm hoping she's going to come to her senses and realize that it's over and that it's time to move on in an amicable manner. A female friend of mine who knows us well told me that it's apparent that I've already made up my mind even though "we're working on things". It wasn't like a one night stand for her, and the level of dishonesty and neglect is staggering. Not only that, but she's done nothing the last 6 weeks since I found the 50+ bra pics that she sent male #1. If I were in her shoes I'd be going above and beyond to prove that the relationship was worth saving, but I guess that's just not in her. I agree that she has a lot of psych issues, but she manages to compartmentalize things in her life, and she's been successful as far as her career. The female therapist even said that my wife doesn't see me in a sexual way anymore, rather she sees me at a domestic partner or roomate.

We had sex a few times over the last few weeks, but it was only because I insisted upon it. It was the usual with me being the giver, but she seemed to enjoy it. I thought we still had a connection, but of course the next day I'm flooded with mental images of the texts and pictures she sent him as well as thoughts of what they did when they were together. I don't think I'll ever be abe to block that out as long as I'm with her.

 

[MrAddiction]

I don't think I'll ever be abe to block that out as long as I'm with her.

And that is the point. No matter how much you try you will never be able to get that out of your head nor ever be able to trust her again. At least you should not! Relationship requires trust. Get it in your head. It is over. Even if she should make a 180 turn. Forget about it. It will only be temporary. It won't last. Once a cheater- always a cheater. She has prove that she can do it to you without of consequences. It's over.

... And do not let you guilttrip, that it would have been your fault that she cheated or that you no wäre the bad guy because you want the divorce.
She cheated on you. That was bot your fault. She put the relationship at stake the moment she met the other guy behind your back. Thoug all following consequenses resulting from that beahvior is on to her. It is mit your fault if she did nor consider the consequenses.

Girls our days act like the following. They take a gun and aim at you. Then they shoot. You get hit. The girl crys, blames you that she had to put the gun on you and shoot at you. It gets better. If you insist, that she had not to shoot either way and you were severly hurt now, she either way blames you for not getting out of the way of the bullet.
It is never them to be responsable for their actions. Especially true for our Cluster B Girls.

 

[sodbuster]

She only screwed you to have you let your guard down. It meant no more than if she was a hooker. Start stashing cash in your office desk drawer, pay off credit cards and get the Divorce. Therapy only works if SHE is willing to listen and change. Mine didn't, but I stashed cash for the whole year that I wasted with her. When/if you move out, grab all your clothes, some sheets, towels, pots and pans..... sounds strange until you have to BUY them when the lawyer is sucking you dry

 

[The_Real_Batman]

So if I stay until I'm ready to leave, should I pretend everything is normal and be affectionate to her, or should I just ignore her and do my own thing? I've been distant from her the lady few days, and it's caused her to be even more apathetic than she was already. I thought it would make her try harder or that she'd show me she cared, but instead she's even more distant. All she cares about lately is working out, and she''s been going to workout classes obsessively everyday, and I know it's not for me.

As far as the sex, we only had it because I initiated it, and even then she basically laid there, and changed positions as I directed her. I told her that we had to have sex at least once a week as part of working on things, yet this weekend went by with no attempt on her part to initiate intamacy or to even show me that she was interested. In fact she fell asleep early on Sat as well as last night, so there was no opportunity to even have sex. So basically as far as she's concerned, nothing is going to change, and she expects me to do all the work and put in all the effort to fix things.

 

[sodbuster]

I'd just do what you have been...... make her think it's ok while you are getting things ready. Get an apartment etc. BUT check with your lawyer, some jurisdictions have held that banging her is a sign of forgiveness and you can't use infidelity....., and find out about abandonment with the whole apartment deal.... BUT, get your personal things out. a friend came home to an empty house, all his guns and trophy mounts were "lost" by the moving company. Pictures of your kids, etc that you'd like? get copies made when she's gone, etc

What you DON"T want to do is come home to a locked house, no clothes, no money, no plan, no lawyer and sexual abuse charges against you.... while you fight that, she's going to be winning the Divorce.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

So if I stay until I'm ready to leave, should I pretend everything is normal and be affectionate to her, or should I just ignore her and do my own thing?

"Affectionate"? Dude, you should be repulsed by the sight and thought of her. Get the hell out of the house, and if you have to stay, make it clear to her that she's dead to you, and you're not going down without a fight in this divorce that's coming.

I've been distant from her the lady few days, and it's caused her to be even more apathetic than she was already. I thought it would make her try harder or that she'd show me she cared, but instead she's even more distant.

You're about a handful of years too late for that push/pull stuff. If you'd initiated it within 3 months of her getting the wandering eye we might be talking, but you're referring to one of the guys she cheated on as "Man #1". It's pathetic.

All she cares about lately is working out, and she''s been going to workout classes obsessively everyday, and I know it's not for me.

Correct. For the guy or guys she's banging.

As far as the sex, we only had it because I initiated it, and even then she basically laid there, and changed positions as I directed her. I told her that we had to have sex at least once a week as part of working on things, yet this weekend went by with no attempt on her part to initiate intamacy or to even show me that she was interested.

"Intimacy"? Good god, somebody stop the bleeding. Stop with these sappy puppy dog words.

So basically as far as she's concerned, nothing is going to change, and she expects me to do all the work and put in all the effort to fix things.

You are not getting it. If you are not going to listen to the advice after 3 pages of it, then go over to loveshack or Jezebel where they will be happy to tell you pretty lies and give you false hope. Here you'll get the truth, which is there is no fixing things.

Oh, and Valentines Day is coming up, right? I'll answer your next question. DO NOTHING!

 

[The_Real_Batman]

I can't just bail out immediately and abandon the house and kids. I now feel like she's basically forcing me to file by saying she wants to stay married but then being apathetic at the same time. That was clear on the first page that everyone's opinion is that I should leave, but the problem is that she had me charge $20k worth of home improvements on my personal credit cards and I have no money for an attorney at this point. I need to have a workable plan that allows me to leave without losing custody of my kids and being taken to the cleaners. The problem is that I can't stand to be around her anymore, and just seeing her puts me in a bad mood. I need to avoid any arguments at this point, as I don't want to put the kids through anymore than they've been through already. It would be nice to catch her again with her saying that she wants to work on things and stay married as that would make her look like a serial cheater, which she is. I also think that by acting rude to her she'll know what's coming, and as some people have said, she may be 2 moves ahead of me already. One of her family friends is an attorney, and she recently told me that she had a "good conversation" with him, so I assume that meant that he had useful advice.

I can't help but think what's going to happen to her in the future, as despite her high salary, she is over 50 now and she has to dye her hair so it doesn't turn all white, not to mention her psych issues. I'm sure she'll get a breast lift/tummy tuck after were apart, but I can't imagine another guy wanting a LTR with her considering she'll have been divorced twice and she has a disabled daughter with behavioral problems.

 

[hithard]

Less attention on the $hit she has done and start focusing on the kids. Set a plan, get a lawyer then stop worrying about her. Your relationship was over long ago. I don't know how much more proof you needed beyond her smoking a c0ck in front of you.

Do you have self esteem issues at all?
Control issues?
Jealousy?

Try and prevent it turning nasty for as long as possible.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Batman,

You're in a fog dude. Why in the world are you thinking about what is going to happen to her in the future? Why do you give a shiz about her having another LTR in the future?

This woman has fvcked you over horrendously. And will do so again in the future. There is no more "evidence" to gather. No more "proof" is needed.

Snap out of it man.

-Augustus-

 

[Glassguy]

I can't just bail out immediately and abandon the house and kids. I now feel like she's basically forcing me to file by saying she wants to stay married but then being apathetic at the same time. That was clear on the first page that everyone's opinion is that I should leave, but the problem is that she had me charge $20k worth of home improvements on my personal credit cards and I have no money for an attorney at this point. I need to have a workable plan that allows me to leave without losing custody of my kids and being taken to the cleaners. The problem is that I can't stand to be around her anymore, and just seeing her puts me in a bad mood. I need to avoid any arguments at this point, as I don't want to put the kids through anymore than they've been through already. It would be nice to catch her again with her saying that she wants to work on things and stay married as that would make her look like a serial cheater, which she is. I also think that by acting rude to her she'll know what's coming, and as some people have said, she may be 2 moves ahead of me already. One of her family friends is an attorney, and she recently told me that she had a "good conversation" with him, so I assume that meant that he had useful advice.

I can't help but think what's going to happen to her in the future, as despite her high salary, she is over 50 now and she has to dye her hair so it doesn't turn all white, not to mention her psych issues. I'm sure she'll get a breast lift/tummy tuck after were apart, but I can't imagine another guy wanting a LTR with her considering she'll have been divorced twice and she has a disabled daughter with behavioral problems.

No you can just bail out and you would not be abandoning your kids. Hell take them with you.
Your problem is you are trying to find excuses to stick around because you dont have the guts and ballz to do the right thing here, which is kick her a$$ out or leave on your own.

You should just take what she is giving you. Make sure that you pay attention to how good she starts looking as she continues to work out. Imagine the BJs she is giving and the cream pies she is getting each time you spy on her in the shower.

Get a grip dude. Take your life back and kick her to the curb. She cheated, she is still cheating and she wants you to stick around for the show as her financial doormat. With any luck she will get some more home renovations done on your dime before you finally wake up.

 

[Boris Rum]

Bro, your marriage is over and it will never recover. Your wife knows this fact too. The big question is who between the two of you is ahead of the game. From what I what i see, your wife is about to set you up for domestic violence allegations and then file a restraining order. What you need to do is file one against her first.

Just get to became upset, e.g questioning her on the affairs. Remain calm throughout and let her yell and scream at you. Make sure you are recording everything on your phone and another secondary device. Next, wait for her to go to work and then you should quickly file a restraining, keeping her away from the house and kids.

The hearing for a permanent restraining order will be in 2 to 4 weeks, during which time you would have put better plans for yourself and the kids in place. A judge will sometimes want to maintain the current custody for the kids.

In meantime, file for divorce, ask for alimony and child support before the final hearing for a permanent restraining order. A huge chance that you will get the house, kids, child support and alimony. I did exactly the same and I can tell you it worked pretty good and I beat the ***** to the game.

 

[Once Bitten]

I can't just bail out immediately and abandon the house and kids. I now feel like she's basically forcing me to file by saying she wants to stay married but then being apathetic at the same time. That was clear on the first page that everyone's opinion is that I should leave, but the problem is that she had me charge $20k worth of home improvements on my personal credit cards and I have no money for an attorney at this point. I need to have a workable plan that allows me to leave without losing custody of my kids and being taken to the cleaners. The problem is that I can't stand to be around her anymore, and just seeing her puts me in a bad mood. I need to avoid any arguments at this point, as I don't want to put the kids through anymore than they've been through already. It would be nice to catch her again with her saying that she wants to work on things and stay married as that would make her look like a serial cheater, which she is. I also think that by acting rude to her she'll know what's coming, and as some people have said, she may be 2 moves ahead of me already. One of her family friends is an attorney, and she recently told me that she had a "good conversation" with him, so I assume that meant that he had useful advice.

I can't help but think what's going to happen to her in the future, as despite her high salary, she is over 50 now and she has to dye her hair so it doesn't turn all white, not to mention her psych issues. I'm sure she'll get a breast lift/tummy tuck after were apart, but I can't imagine another guy wanting a LTR with her considering she'll have been divorced twice and she has a disabled daughter with behavioral problems.

She's forcing you to be the "bad guy", just like mine did. This way they can get sympathy from her family, friends and co-workers. and give you a bad name with the local gals.
Do what you need to do to clear away. Any family/friends living far (but not too far) away, so you can still see the kids?
You could always get a trailer and stay at a KOA for a while...just ask around. A lawyer could advise you in this situation you speak of.