ex-girlfrien reemergence blues

[exhausted]

I gotta be nuts. I don't know what the fvck I'm doing

See u KNOW this is a BAD idea.
She is manipulative.
Trying to get u back to have a Provider.
That is all.
**** that. Find a good girl not this.

 

[jimjam]

Hey everyone....

You all seem to be providing me the same advice. Don't know why I don't listen. Or maybe I'm just nuts. I really don't know what the hell anymore.

No doubt most of you will say that I deserve what I get. OK. Maybe. I was asking for it, right? I was always holding out that we'd get another chance. Call me a chump or whatever you will.

Anyway....thanks for all the input. The holidays came and went. We spent a lot of time together. Nothing physical but I was with her often. Mostly to do with our son but not always. We'd constantly flirt and tease one another. She'd text me in the morning. Invite me over or out for dinner. Flirty texts. I know. Love bombing, right?? Maybe. But I chose to just accept it, go with it, not question it.

Then my aunt died. She attended the wake, funeral and luncheon. I introduced her to my family that never met her. She charmed the hell out of them. All of them said how nice she was, how pretty, are we getting back together?

Then she had to go away for work. I take her to the airport. She kissed me. OK. That night she texts me that she feels as though I've been able to forgive her for a lot of her sh!t. I told her the past is over. That was a week ago. Since then all communication originating from her has virtually ceased.

I feel like she was simply looking to be absolved of any guilty feelings and go on her merry way. And I feel like I betrayed myself by obliging her. Ah, me. I never learn. I fear you all may have been right. And now she's got my family on her side. I told some of my cousins about some of the ideas I picked up here and about NPD but they all say I'm looking at things the wrong way. Siding with her before the fact or just hoping for a teunion?

I don't know. All i do know is that I'm mixed up as hell. I don't even know if Im looking for advice anymore. I feel trapped. Like i can't advance and I can't retreat?

Help?

Actually, is there any "proof" in what I've written that confirms my suspicions and all of your previous advice or am I just a neurotic wreck?

 

[jimjam]

Think I just answered my own question

As I slap myself in the face

 

[MrAddiction]

Hey everyone....



Then she had to go away for work. I take her to the airport. She kissed me. OK. That night she texts me that she feels as though I've been able to forgive her for a lot of her sh!t. I told her the past is over. That was a week ago. Since then all communication originating from her has virtually ceased.

That sounds like the typical BPD thing: out of sight - out of mind.
Those Girls are like fcuking heroin.
... and that might be the exact situation you might feel in - like a heroin addict going cold turkey.

How Long is she gone for work? Did she move away for work? What about the kid?

MrAddict

 

[sazc]

My ex and I work very hard to be on really good terms, for the sake of the relationship we want to model for our children. People always ask us why we got divorced, since it appears we get along so well. The short answer (which I never tell them because it's too heavy) is that - since my ex and I dont have to try and support any emotional relationship between ourselves (fulfill emotional needs, be there in any way for each other, follow thru, sex, etc) we are free from those resentments and have moved forward to simply being friends and focusing on the children. What I tell these people that we get along much better now that we are no longer together.

When people 'get back together' after being apart (remarry or a relationship) it's because they have had enough distance from the (failed) emotional aspect of the relationship that they wonder "what was so bad about this person"? Not acknowledging what was actually wrong IN the relationship, and trying to fix that as a part or getting back together, is sure to re open all old wounds and you will get the same, tragic result.

Two points I'm trying to make

1) You can be nice to your ex, go to outings with her and social events that have your child in common (sports, Christmas, Halloween,holidays, etc) but have no intention on getting back with her. The goal is to model the best behavior between yourselves for the sake of the children.
2) You absolutely cannot re enter a relationship without being blunt and honest about your needs and what went wrong last time, and have chance in he11 that it's going to work. I'm willing to bet, if you sat down with your ex, and both of you started to talk about what went wrong, and what you need, in a very honest manner, the whole thing would blow up. If the whole thing blows up, you guys STILL cant communicate well and you are doomed.

People who are not introspective are hard pressed to change. I think you should take her being nice from the vantage point of my #1 up there, model the best relationship you can for the sake if the kids, leave it be between you and she, and move along.

 

[jimjam]

My ex and I work very hard to be on really good terms, for the sake of the relationship we want to model for our children. People always ask us why we got divorced, since it appears we get along so well. The short answer (which I never tell them because it's too heavy) is that - since my ex and I dont have to try and support any emotional relationship between ourselves (fulfill emotional needs, be there in any way for each other, follow thru, sex, etc) we are free from those resentments and have moved forward to simply being friends and focusing on the children. What I tell these people that we get along much better now that we are no longer together.

When people 'get back together' after being apart (remarry or a relationship) it's because they have had enough distance from the (failed) emotional aspect of the relationship that they wonder "what was so bad about this person"? Not acknowledging what was actually wrong IN the relationship, and trying to fix that as a part or getting back together, is sure to re open all old wounds and you will get the same, tragic result.

Two points I'm trying to make

1) You can be nice to your ex, go to outings with her and social events that have your child in common (sports, Christmas, Halloween,holidays, etc) but have no intention on getting back with her. The goal is to model the best behavior between yourselves for the sake of the children.
2) You absolutely cannot re enter a relationship without being blunt and honest about your needs and what went wrong last time, and have chance in he11 that it's going to work. I'm willing to bet, if you sat down with your ex, and both of you started to talk about what went wrong, and what you need, in a very honest manner, the whole thing would blow up. If the whole thing blows up, you guys STILL cant communicate well and you are doomed.

People who are not introspective are hard pressed to change. I think you should take her being nice from the vantage point of my #1 up there, model the best relationship you can for the sake if the kids, leave it be between you and she, and move along.

We never did much talking when we were together. It was a real whirlwind. All I can tell you is that I've worked assiduously to improve myself since we split. I've changed. It stands to reason so has she. Unless she's just putting on the NPD act.

Thanks for the input

 

[jimjam]

That sounds like the typical BPD thing: out of sight - out of mind.
Those Girls are like fcuking heroin.
... and that might be the exact situation you might feel in - like a heroin addict going cold turkey.

How Long is she gone for work? Did she move away for work? What about the kid?

MrAddict

She just got back. Fact, she texted me as soon as the plane hit the ground. She told me that I can relax now that she's back.

 

[Von]

She just got back. Fact, she texted me as soon as the plane hit the ground. She told me that I can relax now that she's back.

Sounds she wants to own you...

 

[ubercat]

It sounds to reason that she has changed. Mate I m struggling with doing my study for a new job I start in a week. Most men find changing habits tough. Incredibly rare that a woman has the self awareness and persistence to do so.

 

[MrAddiction]

Sounds she wants to own you...

Sounds like a mindgame! "I wanted you on your toes, so I did not text you while away. I knew you would wonder why i do not reply. I wanted you guessing. But now I am back - now you can relax!"

 

[dude99]

Think I just answered my own question

As I slap myself in the face

I think you know deep down that it will end with you being heart broken again. Your gut is telling you to stay away but your "hope" is telling you to hang in there.

Honestly bud im not going to gang up on you because you know deep down you should listento your gut. You know she will betray you again.

You just need to accept that and not give her any more chances with your heart

 

[jimjam]

I think you know deep down that it will end with you being heart broken again. Your gut is telling you to stay away but your "hope" is telling you to hang in there.

Honestly bud im not going to gang up on you because you know deep down you should listento your gut. You know she will betray you again.

You just need to accept that and not give her any more chances with your heart

I suppose you're right.

I said she almost went ghost on me since she went away for work. She's been kind of distant with me since she got back, but still flirty. She keeps touching me when I see her which is at least 3x a week because of our son. And just to draw parralells, this is where the trouble began when we were together. She went away to this city for work, came back and graduallt began to withdraw. I remember I confronted her about her apparant change in attitude and behavior and she said I'll only make the inevitable happen if I worry about it. And she was all over me before this. It was inexplicable. Then I found out she may have banged this dude when she was out there. Well, over now but her behavior now is similar to her behavior then.

I'm keeping my heart guarded this time. Really, I'd like to jump in head first and the hell with the consequences. I get the feeling that she's waiting for me to take this leap. I also get the feeling that she's guarding her own heart.

Quite frankly, I'm a mess about this whole thing. I have forgiven her but I can't forget. I'd really like for things to work that way between us. Fact, I'm afraid. I've had a handful of superfcial physical relationships since we split. I can't take them seriously. I don't want that. I really get nothing out of this kind of interaction. With her I feel it. Call mechump, AFC, fool, whatever. Like I said. I want it to work between us. As far as Petra's concerned, I think she wants to proceed as slowly as I. She'll let me know when she feels more comfortable. I'm not pushing anything. Say what you will. I'm fully aware of what may be at stake here. I'm prepared to shield myself. I know what can happen. But i feel like I have to take the risk and go for it. If nothing happens, okay. But at least I tried.

 

[MrAddiction]

Say what you will. I'm fully aware of what may be at stake here. I'm prepared to shield myself. I know what can happen. But i feel like I have to take the risk and go for it. If nothing happens, okay. But at least I tried

I know exactly what you mean. Been there, Done that and it ended badly. As everybody here always says.
The thing is you can guard yourself and watch out and you will be much easier to end the thing as soon as you sniff any bull**** - but what you can not protect yourself against is the following heartbreak and grief after the once again breakup. One of my biggest mistakes was to give it another try, like you are going to. I knew the advice on here but like you I thought I had to give it a try. Maybe my girl is different than the AWALT they Talk about here. And at least i tried. What shall Happen? I know what can happen and so I am well prepared and guarded for worse case. But do not underestimate Hope and the resulting grief it produces if the ship Gomes havoc. I am still recovering.
And what you Tell about that Special conection you think you have with this special girl might at least be nothing more than another sign that she is cluster B and you addicted - like ist was me.

If you really want to get back together ask yourself These questions:

Do you think you can ever trust this Woman again.

Do you Expect her to change in any way compared to the behavior she in the First realtionship with you?

How much are you willing to sacrifice for her?

Do you have some things that are now in opposite to the former relationship alsolut nogos that Arme not compromissable?
What Do you Do if she pushes those borders?
Are you then willing to Walk away?

I am asking because in my case my Girl fcuked up the relationship in the first time. I gave her a second chance- biggest mistakes I made apart from moving in together beforehand - and expected her to meet me at least have way with some changed behavior. She on the other hand thougt she could go on like before - at least After some lovebombing and never kept promises in the beginning of the rebound round.

There are the Iron rules of Rollo Tomassi. They are there for a good reason.
https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/08/rooting-through-garbage/

Consider wisely what you do.

Wish you the best - whatever way you take.

 

[dude99]

I suppose you're right.

I said she almost went ghost on me since she went away for work. She's been kind of distant with me since she got back, but still flirty. She keeps touching me when I see her which is at least 3x a week because of our son. And just to draw parralells, this is where the trouble began when we were together. She went away to this city for work, came back and graduallt began to withdraw. I remember I confronted her about her apparant change in attitude and behavior and she said I'll only make the inevitable happen if I worry about it. And she was all over me before this. It was inexplicable. Then I found out she may have banged this dude when she was out there. Well, over now but her behavior now is similar to her behavior then.

I'm keeping my heart guarded this time. Really, I'd like to jump in head first and the hell with the consequences. I get the feeling that she's waiting for me to take this leap. I also get the feeling that she's guarding her own heart.

Quite frankly, I'm a mess about this whole thing. I have forgiven her but I can't forget. I'd really like for things to work that way between us. Fact, I'm afraid. I've had a handful of superfcial physical relationships since we split. I can't take them seriously. I don't want that. I really get nothing out of this kind of interaction. With her I feel it. Call mechump, AFC, fool, whatever. Like I said. I want it to work between us. As far as Petra's concerned, I think she wants to proceed as slowly as I. She'll let me know when she feels more comfortable. I'm not pushing anything. Say what you will. I'm fully aware of what may be at stake here. I'm prepared to shield myself. I know what can happen. But i feel like I have to take the risk and go for it. If nothing happens, okay. But at least I tried.

My advice (for what it is worth,) keep her at arms length. Be friendly but professional for the sake of your son. If she gets flirty and looks for validation do not reciprocate.

Treat her as a co worker. Because you know if you put yourself out on a limb again she is just waiting for it to break.

She blew her chance. Now she has to have her future without you ever trusting her or ever having you again.

 

[jimjam]

I know exactly what you mean. Been there, Done that and it ended badly. As everybody here always says.
The thing is you can guard yourself and watch out and you will be much easier to end the thing as soon as you sniff any bull**** - but what you can not protect yourself against is the following heartbreak and grief after the once again breakup. One of my biggest mistakes was to give it another try, like you are going to. I knew the advice on here but like you I thought I had to give it a try. Maybe my girl is different than the AWALT they Talk about here. And at least i tried. What shall Happen? I know what can happen and so I am well prepared and guarded for worse case. But do not underestimate Hope and the resulting grief it produces if the ship Gomes havoc. I am still recovering.
And what you Tell about that Special conection you think you have with this special girl might at least be nothing more than another sign that she is cluster B and you addicted - like ist was me.

If you really want to get back together ask yourself These questions:

Do you think you can ever trust this Woman again.

Do you Expect her to change in any way compared to the behavior she in the First realtionship with you?

How much are you willing to sacrifice for her?

Do you have some things that are now in opposite to the former relationship alsolut nogos that Arme not compromissable?
What Do you Do if she pushes those borders?
Are you then willing to Walk away?

I am asking because in my case my Girl fcuked up the relationship in the first time. I gave her a second chance- biggest mistakes I made apart from moving in together beforehand - and expected her to meet me at least have way with some changed behavior. She on the other hand thougt she could go on like before - at least After some lovebombing and never kept promises in the beginning of the rebound round.

There are the Iron rules of Rollo Tomassi. They are there for a good reason.
https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/08/rooting-through-garbage/

Consider wisely what you do.

Wish you the best - whatever way you take.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it and I am mulling over what you say.

My response, after some consideration is this: Will I be able to trust this woman again. Yes. Before everyone gasps and starts labeling me a beta and everything else, here's my reasoning: I told her the past is over. To move on, it must be. Everything you are saying, about the issues that led to the breakup still being there is true-----PROVIDED you allow those issues to fester. They're over as far as I'm concerned. Is this simply sweeping it under the rug? No. It's kind of along the lines of what DeNiro said in casino: If you love someone, you've gotta trust them You have to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? (Yeah, I know....look how he wound up, right? And you're all saying I'm a Hollywood brainwashed chump.)

Do I expect her to change? I think she has. She seems to realize she may have made a big mistake with me. I've changed too. I've worked to develop into a confident, assertive, dynamic individual. We're both the same for the most part, but I can detect subtle changes in her and I believe she can in me as well.

How much am I willing to sacrifice for her? Whatever it takes to make it work, provided she believes the same, and I believe she does.

Boundaries to set and am I willing to walk away if she crosses them? Well, that's one I'll need to muse over some more. I'm not going to give up working out, I know that much

Bottom line, and perhaps I'm under the NPD spell, perhaps 'm a beta chump with severe oneitis, but I know that if this works, it'll be worth every effort. she has to prove herself to me and she's been bending over backwards to do it, for the most part. I mean, you have to allow her some slack-----she has two kids that live with her. and she is a great mom. I'm glad my son has her.

I understand what you're all saying about opening old wounds and ignoring issues and all that. I get it. If it was anyone else, a plate, I'd take heed and apply it. But in this case it seems like it would only be pride hindering me from pursuing something that I want. Something that would be worthwhile and valuable.Like I said, forget the past, start, not where we left off, but new. I'm willing to do all of these things. And to keep working at it, should we get back together.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Build yourself a sick castle..
Chill in castle..
Bitches come and go as they please.

Like really all these girls are ****ing talk.
If they are not with you in bed everynight begging to suck you off theyre just fishing for emotions at your expense.

And fellas.. "emotions are for faggots"
- da poon

Would lil wayne be hurt his girl aint comin back no

Would trump be mad if his wife fckd your dad, no

Would george clooney be upset his gurl.aint puttin out.. no

Would a lil chode on an internet forum be sad his lil girlfran with her loose stretched out pregnancy ***** with severe stretch marks dont wanna come back and be house mom .....

Mostly talking to myself lol

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Dude if this is even within the realm of possibility you're better off cutting your **** off rather than spending one more second with her



This is classic NPD blameshifting btw

Without hearing any details, usually you can pretty much imagine how a relationship was going back multiple years, AND how it'll continue to pan out in the future simply by how long these globs of text are from the AFC's posting these ex threads.

If a newbie comes here, posts 3-4 lines, gets a few differing opinions, says "thanks!" and then thread dies, this forum served a good purpose. But if a guy who has been on the forum since 2013 is posting multiple long posts across a 4+ page thread, with 10,000 rationalizations why he should take his ex back, he's doomed. I know because I was this guy when I joined the forum 3+ years ago. And I remember being in such a state of bewilderment and denial I wasn't even processing the responses I didn't like, just endless rationalizations and sifting through replies to find the one that said "go for that FWB man!"

He lost before, that's why she dumped him, and he'll lose again because his mindset hasn't changed. Not trying to be harsh OP, but you haven't learned much from this forum.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

It's because no amount of sage advice can change the structural issues in the game or our person

Pretty much. He'll get burned again by this chick, no question about it. But he'll just have to swallow the red pill on his own time, go through the phases, and come out the other side. This was a 3+ year process for me to truly internalize.

I guess I should cut him some extra slack because there are children involved. That's a really tough one and you can understand the rationalizations (but then again he's not talking about the kids, it's ALL HER)

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Took me a while myself to understand the cluster B in particular. The Narcs are difficult to spot but easy to detach from unless you have severe lack of options. I understand OP has MS and I'm sorry about that but the stress of a narc is the worst thing to add to that mess

I barely read anything after the first post. But if this has gone 4+ pages, and the posts are still long-winded, he's warped. He's still under the spell of a very dangerous woman and he has to pull himself out. I assure you he's not processing the replies. The details of the story don't even matter, that's why I'm not reading them. Only Cluster B women can hook you like this, and from there you know this doesn't end well.

 

[Polysix]

Holy Sit! The thread makes me sad. Jimjam, for gods sake, for your own and for the sake of your son, listen to the guys, who got involved with a Cluster B and managed to get out off it.
Cluster Bs won't change, she will break your heart again, even more, she will literally kill you, like a frog in a boiler by increasing the temperature little by little, as you don't recognise because you are in the FOG.
But we can clearly see, while you're rationalizing her f<->cked up behaviour. She is broken and you won't fix her! Nobody can because she is dead inside!
So if it's it not for your own well being, do it for your son, his well being and upbringing! Be a man and a loving father and detach emotionally from the mother! Pathetic!