ex-girlfrien reemergence blues

[jimjam]

Be careful and tread lightly. She is riding a roller coaster of "feelings" because her current marriage has failed.

Whenever a womans current relationship fails they always always always think to their past and wonder if leaving their ex (you in this case,) was a mistake and her hampster wheel is spinning of all the good you provided in the past.

She is also on the rebound. She wants to get her feelings all over some one else as soon as possible to forget about her current divorce.

Why did the two of you break up in the first place? Those problems will still be there. If she left you to upgrade ( in her mind ) she will do it again and all you will do is feed her ego and then get hee back on her feet emotionally just to leave you again.

I believe women get one chance per lifetime. She already blew it with you. This is the mother of your son so here is my advice:

Date other women. Spin plates. Have fun and.......PUT HER IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

All of your words make sense. I don't know why we split. no one does. By all rights, everyone (our families) were under the impression we were about to get married. Then.....she got pregnant and bango! I'm gone. There was no indication that anything was wrong. The whole thing was completely inexplicable. Well, over now. Like I said, I've given up thinking bout it. Whatever. I may have exhibited some AFC tendencies, but I have since extricated such thinking from my mind. In any event, I'm old school. I was raised and I believe that parents stay together. Unless there is some extenuating circumstance like drug abuse or violence, anything else can be worked through given the right commitment of both parties. Perhaps the red pill has proven this attitude null and void. But I've always felt like a failure since it never worked. Stupid perhaps, but there it is.

As far as spinning plates, I was doing that for a while, but it never gave me a level of contentment or satisfaction. Pleasure, yes, but no joy. Fact, I even sent a thread here about how to keep track of them. I couldn't keep their identities straight. I'd be picking up conversations that I never had with one that I did with someone else. I couldn't keep track of what I was saying to each one. It was amusing at first but it got to be a headache. Lately I'm just turned off with women since I don't believe them and I don't believe they are capable of love. Judge me if you will. plus I'm dealing with confidence and esteem issues that I've written about in other threads.

As far as my son's mom, I don't know what to think. Part of me believes she legitimately wants another chance. I know it could fvck me up again. I'm treading very slowly with her. Like treading on rotten floorboards in an abandoned house. I suppose it doesn't matter. she's playing me already, no doubt. When this first began I thought I could turn the tables on her. But then I think of my son and realize that isn't the right thing to do. but then, she probably doesn't give one fvck about the right thing. But I'm better than that.

you're right. I should run away and keep it platonic.

"Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in."

 

[jimjam]

She knows you care about the kid, she knows the kid will be happy to see mom or dad help mom, she knows you wont say No! to him.

She plays your emotions and relationship towards your son to drag you back.

Reason? She probably left the guy for similar reasons than she did for you.

In my opinion, going back to your EX is never a good idea. There are exceptions of course but do you really want it?

The issues in your past will come back, yeah will put her ex issues on you.

After you gave her all the support and rebound... will she be there or with someone else?

Complications or posting on this forum are a sign of the grey clouds ahead.

Think about it... she started being all friendly and clingy as soon she started divorcing the other guy

Thanks for being honest. I think my reply to dude99 applies here

 

[sodbuster]

You can't feel bad about the end of a relationship. The stuff that was indoctrinated into your head? Only worked when women were actually the delicate little flowers they pretend to be. THEN they were almost helpless without a man. They depended on the father of their child to be a stand up guy. NOW? All I can say is you can't force people to do do the things you want them to.... they don't need us anymore

 

[dude99]

All of your words make sense. I don't know why we split. no one does. By all rights, everyone (our families) were under the impression we were about to get married. Then.....she got pregnant and bango! I'm gone. There was no indication that anything was wrong. The whole thing was completely inexplicable. Well, over now. Like I said, I've given up thinking bout it. Whatever. I may have exhibited some AFC tendencies, but I have since extricated such thinking from my mind. In any event, I'm old school. I was raised and I believe that parents stay together. Unless there is some extenuating circumstance like drug abuse or violence, anything else can be worked through given the right commitment of both parties. Perhaps the red pill has proven this attitude null and void. But I've always felt like a failure since it never worked. Stupid perhaps, but there it is.

As far as spinning plates, I was doing that for a while, but it never gave me a level of contentment or satisfaction. Pleasure, yes, but no joy. Fact, I even sent a thread here about how to keep track of them. I couldn't keep their identities straight. I'd be picking up conversations that I never had with one that I did with someone else. I couldn't keep track of what I was saying to each one. It was amusing at first but it got to be a headache. Lately I'm just turned off with women since I don't believe them and I don't believe they are capable of love. Judge me if you will. plus I'm dealing with confidence and esteem issues that I've written about in other threads.

As far as my son's mom, I don't know what to think. Part of me believes she legitimately wants another chance. I know it could fvck me up again. I'm treading very slowly with her. Like treading on rotten floorboards in an abandoned house. I suppose it doesn't matter. she's playing me already, no doubt. When this first began I thought I could turn the tables on her. But then I think of my son and realize that isn't the right thing to do. but then, she probably doesn't give one fvck about the right thing. But I'm better than that.

you're right. I should run away and keep it platonic.

"Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in."

No worries bud. I don't judge. Spining plates isnt for everyone some people do want to focus on just one. I believe spinning plates is for a guy for many reasons not just being a do juan but it also helps a guy not get used. Most of the time if a girl in your life knows she is your only option that is when they behave the worst. So i recomended spinning plates so your ex doesn't get the idea that she can just walk in and out of your life on her whim.

As for why you two broke up, if you honestly don't know, then she left you for another guy and you just weren't aware of it. She branch swung on you to " upgrade." Women will never never never leave you (unless you are abusive, not saying you are i mean a man in general,) without starting a new relationship. They are wired in their psychological make up to begin the new one before the old one is even dead.

Case in point. Is she already divorced? Or is she getting one and already working you? Is she done with her husband. Split. Living at a new place ? Has been and is 100% through with him? Or in the middle of a mess and now trying to work you?

Friend zone her. If she comes out and asks you how you feel , i recomend protecting yourself and tell her that ship sailed long ago.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

No worries bud. I don't judge. Spining plates isnt for everyone some people do want to focus on just one. I believe spinning plates is for a guy for many reasons not just being a do juan but it also helps a guy not get used. Most of the time if a girl in your life knows she is your only option that is when they behave the worst. So i recomended spinning plates so your ex doesn't get the idea that she can just walk in and out of your life on her whim.

As for why you two broke up, if you honestly don't know, then she left you for another guy and you just weren't aware of it. She branch swung on you to " upgrade." Women will never never never leave you (unless you are abusive, not saying you are i mean a man in general,) without starting a new relationship. They are wired in their psychological make up to begin the new one before the old one is even dead.

Case in point. Is she already divorced? Or is she getting one and already working you? Is she done with her husband. Split. Living at a new place ? Has been and is 100% through with him? Or in the middle of a mess and now trying to work you?

Friend zone her. If she comes out and asks you how you feel , i recomend protecting yourself and tell her that ship sailed long ago.

Spinning plates can be as simple as doing a few activities or keeping up with women who want to phvck you...

 

[dude99]

Spinning plates can be as simple as doing a few activities or keeping up with women who want to phvck you...

Agreed.

 

[Glassguy]

No worries bud. I don't judge. Spining plates isnt for everyone some people do want to focus on just one. I believe spinning plates is for a guy for many reasons not just being a do juan but it also helps a guy not get used. Most of the time if a girl in your life knows she is your only option that is when they behave the worst. So i recomended spinning plates so your ex doesn't get the idea that she can just walk in and out of your life on her whim.

As for why you two broke up, if you honestly don't know, then she left you for another guy and you just weren't aware of it. She branch swung on you to " upgrade." Women will never never never leave you (unless you are abusive, not saying you are i mean a man in general,) without starting a new relationship. They are wired in their psychological make up to begin the new one before the old one is even dead.

Case in point. Is she already divorced? Or is she getting one and already working you? Is she done with her husband. Split. Living at a new place ? Has been and is 100% through with him? Or in the middle of a mess and now trying to work you?

Friend zone her. If she comes out and asks you how you feel , i recomend protecting yourself and tell her that ship sailed long ago.

Good advice here. I went from married, to divorced, to spinning plates, a 2.5 yr LTR that led to an engagement, breakup and now after 8 months of spinning plates again the ex gf that I was engaged to texted me today on "1 yr anniversary" of the proposal.

Whether you love this chick, feel indifferent, want to see where it leads, want to close the door on it......SPIN PLATES. In the long run, if any of these options fail with this chick, you always have a back up plan and it makes things SO MUCH EASIER. Trust me, even if you try to work it out, you'll automatically have the "dont give a fvck" mindset if you are spinning plates. Thats the beauty.....one chick doesnt like the situation, they leave and you plug another one in her place.

Its hard to fall for one when banging 4.

 

[Glassguy]

I will also add that even though you may never see a glaring issue that caused the breakup, there was one. You may never see it but she did.

Those kinds of things, after they are tossed to the side and not addressed an fixed, will always wreck a relationship the second time around.

It is very well possible that you are her safety net and she will use you as a bridge between the last guy and the next guy. If you are fine with that and just want to fvck her, knock your socks off. But begin with the end in mind.

 

[dude99]

Good advice here. I went from married, to divorced, to spinning plates, a 2.5 yr LTR that led to an engagement, breakup and now after 8 months of spinning plates again the ex gf that I was engaged to texted me today on "1 yr anniversary" of the proposal.

Whether you love this chick, feel indifferent, want to see where it leads, want to close the door on it......SPIN PLATES. In the long run, if any of these options fail with this chick, you always have a back up plan and it makes things SO MUCH EASIER. Trust me, even if you try to work it out, you'll automatically have the "dont give a fvck" mindset if you are spinning plates. Thats the beauty.....one chick doesnt like the situation, they leave and you plug another one in her place.

Its hard to fall for one when banging 4.

Texted you on the year of the proposal.

Kind of proves one of my points. She is looking backwards. Can i ask what the nature of her text was? If not no worries, but im going to guess it is one of 2 situations.

She is recently single and wants to have an ego boost or she is with a guy and her interest in him is so low she is thinking back to if when she broke up with you, she is wondering if she made a big mistake in breaking up with you and maybe thinking of branch swinging back to you.

Either way i would ignore her text.

 

[Glassguy]

Texted you on the year of the proposal.

Kind of proves one of my points. She is looking backwards. Can i ask what the nature of her text was? If not no worries, but im going to guess it is one of 2 situations.

She is recently single and wants to have an ego boost or she is with a guy and her interest in him is so low she is thinking back to if when she broke up with you, she is wondering if she made a big mistake in breaking up with you and maybe thinking of branch swinging back to you.

Either way i would ignore her text.

"Regardless of what our status is, in my mind today is always going to be our anniversary and the day you gave me the ring of my dreams".

My response:

"I am glad we broke it off because it became very clear afterwards that it would have been a mistake to get married when you obviously werent ready for that....and thats perfectly ok. Glad we can be civil. The ring is still for sale at the jewelers for a discounted price if you liked it so much. Take care."

 

[dude99]

"Regardless of what our status is, in my mind today is always going to be our anniversary and the day you gave me the ring of my dreams".

My response:

"I am glad we broke it off because it became very clear afterwards that it would have been a mistake to get married when you obviously werent ready for that....and thats perfectly ok. Glad we can be civil. The ring is still for sale at the jewelers for a discounted price if you liked it so much. Take care."

To the point. Shows her you have no interest in getting back together. I would go nc after this and stay nc.

 

[jimjam]

No worries bud. I don't judge. Spining plates isnt for everyone some people do want to focus on just one. I believe spinning plates is for a guy for many reasons not just being a do juan but it also helps a guy not get used. Most of the time if a girl in your life knows she is your only option that is when they behave the worst. So i recomended spinning plates so your ex doesn't get the idea that she can just walk in and out of your life on her whim.

As for why you two broke up, if you honestly don't know, then she left you for another guy and you just weren't aware of it. She branch swung on you to " upgrade." Women will never never never leave you (unless you are abusive, not saying you are i mean a man in general,) without starting a new relationship. They are wired in their psychological make up to begin the new one before the old one is even dead.

Case in point. Is she already divorced? Or is she getting one and already working you? Is she done with her husband. Split. Living at a new place ? Has been and is 100% through with him? Or in the middle of a mess and now trying to work you?

Friend zone her. If she comes out and asks you how you feel , i recomend protecting yourself and tell her that ship sailed long ago.

You know, there was some dude hanging around in our group of friends at the time she got pregnant. Didn't think much of it at the time. A few months aftet we split I was out with our friends. She wasn't there and no one mentioned her. But somond mentioned this dude's name and everyone got quiet. Like they said something they shouldn't have. Makes me wonder. If that's the case, she was banging this dude while pregnant with my son? I don't want to bad mouth his mom but that's disgusting, reprehensible. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

And now she's f vcking with me?

Man......

There's more i can mention. Msybe later. Thanks everyone for your input.

Still confused but seeong a bit more clearly

 

[dude99]

You know, there was some dude hanging around in our group of friends at the time she got pregnant. Didn't think much of it at the time. A few months aftet we split I was out with our friends. She wasn't there and no one mentioned her. But somond mentioned this dude's name and everyone got quiet. Like they said something they shouldn't have. Makes me wonder. If that's the case, she was banging this dude while pregnant with my son? I don't want to bad mouth his mom but that's disgusting, reprehensible. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

And now she's f vcking with me?

Man......

There's more i can mention. Msybe later. Thanks everyone for your input.

Still confused but seeong a bit more clearly

Trust your gut. If something feels off it most likely is.

 

[Glassguy]

To the point. Shows her you have no interest in getting back together. I would go nc after this and stay nc.

I see her immediate family members (father, mother and brother) on occasion at the golf course, as well has maintain a very good relationship with her brother (that developed before we got together).

I was civil, but also reinforced that it didnt work before, wont work again (if she was in fact reaching out).

It was the best way I could think to stay civil and still have somewhat a positive relationship with the rest of them. They are good people, no reason to dirty clean water so to speak.

 

[Alvafe]

I can be opening a can of worms here, but... are you sure your kid is your kid? like tested and all?

and serious no one of your friend would tell you? damn you should find new friends if you havent yet

 

[jimjam]

I can be opening a can of worms here, but... are you sure your kid is your kid? like tested and all?

and serious no one of your friend would tell you? damn you should find new friends if you havent yet

Knew someone would ask me.

First off, i don't talk to any of those people anymore. Haven't seen or heard of them in years

As far as my son....never tested. Fact, i did ask her for a paternity test when we split but she refused saying it was definitly mine.

Everywhere i go with my son the people all say they can't get over how much he looks like me. This includes strangers, acquaintances and even her own family. Just being polite? I don't know. I love the kid, unconditionally and unlike anything before. Though i always wonder where he got his blue eyes. Hers are brown, mine are green.

God forgive me

 

[dude99]

Knew someone would ask me.

First off, i don't talk to any of those people anymore. Haven't seen or heard of them in years

As far as my son....never tested. Fact, i did ask her for a paternity test when we split but she refused saying it was definitly mine.

Everywhere i go with my son the people all say they can't get over how much he looks like me. This includes strangers, acquaintances and even her own family. Just being polite? I don't know. I love the kid, unconditionally and unlike anything before. Though i always wonder where he got his blue eyes. Hers are brown, mine are green.

God forgive me

You having green eyes is also the blue eye gene. They came from you. His eyes could have been either green, blue or gray.

 

[jester1x]

I would just outright ask her about this other dude. She is either going to tell you the truth, a version of the truth or some off the wall, complete BS story. Her response will probably tell you everything you need to know without her actually stating it outright.

If you still care for her then go for it. People can change or be forced to make changes in their life if they experience enough pain based on their bad choices or decisions. We all have our limits. Sounds like she was the one for you (to me) from what you have posted previously. It will either work or won't work out a second time. One man's relationship experience doesn't always translate directly to another man's relationship experience.

Some guys like dating many women and some guys like dating one woman at a time. Heed the advice here but make a decision that will satisfy you.

Your relationship with the mother of your son will have the biggest impact on your son's outlook on life and love when he becomes a man himself.

You know, there was some dude hanging around in our group of friends at the time she got pregnant. Didn't think much of it at the time. A few months aftet we split I was out with our friends. She wasn't there and no one mentioned her. But somond mentioned this dude's name and everyone got quiet. Like they said something they shouldn't have. Makes me wonder. If that's the case, she was banging this dude while pregnant with my son? I don't want to bad mouth his mom but that's disgusting, reprehensible. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

And now she's f vcking with me?

Man......

There's more i can mention. Msybe later. Thanks everyone for your input.

Still confused but seeong a bit more clearly

 

[sodbuster]

So, he wants his son to learn."let her leave me, have another mans kid, and I still need to take her back?"

 

[jimjam]

Gents...

First of all, thank you all for your input, advice and candor. Believe me, I've been wrestling with this.

If I went back with her, it'll set a precedent that she can walk all over me as she sees fit. Will she even stick around once she grows bored of me? And how would that affect my son? He wants the two of us together. We get together, then we split? No good. He's only six and needs some modicum of stability. But then, if it's not me, then some other dude will set up in there, so how stable is that?

Then, there's the other little boy to consider. Truth be told, I see him as often as I see my son----when I'm dropping off or picking up. He's two, He likes me and he's a cute kid. but do
I really want that added to anything else? And what about if his dad got wind of any of these shenanigans? Would that invoke a problem where there isn't one? I mean, would he take out any frustration or revenge out on her or my son or me or his son? What a fvcking saga!

Also, her and I have a good relationship now as far as my son is concerned. I can see him pretty much whenever I want, she's very flexible on scheduling and visitation. Would fooling around with her possibly jeopardize that good arrangement?

Now, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not the same person that I was when I dated her. I have worked hard to improve myself and shed any detrimental blue pill ways I may have exhibited. It is possible that she may have changed herself and realized her own fvk ups. One would have to allow that the two of us have changed. I mean, I don't care what your name is, people change with the passing of time. Not to get all sentimental, but that was the happiest day of my life the day she told me she was pregnant. I mean, I was high for days. I was in love with her and I was going to have a child with her. Judge me if you will. Call me a simp, AFC, whatever.

since then, like I said, I/ve had handful of women but I found it all hairspray and production for lack of a better phrase. I just couldn't get into it, if you'll pardon the pun. They served their purpose but I couldn't get that "connection" with them. Did I have it with her? Maybe. Is it worth going back? Well, it's an all or nothing proposition, I think. I guess you could say that I'm on the fence. We tease one another when we see each other. The signs are there. Friends of mine are telling me to go for it. Sure. My big fear is that any wrong move I make will be taken out on the visitation or arrangement I have with our son.

What a fvcking saga!

Incidentally, while we dated, she cooked for me, ironed my shirts, bought me clothes, wouldn't let me pay for any dinners, dates, etc. She didn't;t get bored and would amuse herself if I was busy, she didn't rely on me for her constant attention, she was classy, no vulgar mouth, knew how to conduct herself in public, she liked to fcvk, etc, etc, etc. Smokescreen? I mean who wouldn't want that?