Coming in a bit late here, but I want to tell you something about overcoming the intense trauma of a BPD woman.
I have faced it and I could not so easily leave it, because the BPD was my mother. Trying to overcome it for 14 months is sadly not surprisingly long, it is really difficult to move on from being psychologically shredded to pieces. It took me 2 years of mental strain and occasional psychotic experiences to break free. Over 3 years later now I still rarely feel a little residue of that pain, and I have to tap into it to write this post.
What
@Tenacity posted about "red pill rage" is very true. This process is not originally a red pill concept, it goes waaaay beyond that, the red pill community just adapted it. This is actually called the Kübler-Ross model or the 5 stages of grief, it is well known in psychology.
Denial
I went through that pattern, jumping a bit back and forth between the middle stages before hitting the end. At first I was in denial, but it never really showed because nobody challenged it. I just lived unknowingly of how interacting with her twisted my mind, making me into an obedient slave. I was also a complete beta and was sexless for years.
Anger
When I finally sensed something was wrong and I realized what it was I hit the next stage, anger. I was angry at her for doing this to me, to use me like that, lie, manipulate and everything else. Then I was angry at myself for just accepting being treated like that. That's when it became really toxic, we were throwing sh!t at each other on a weekly basis on the phone. I refused to do her bidding, she became enraged and I retaliated. At this stage I became a lot more aggressive with women, with the limited success that brings. I did get some much needed sex though.
Bargaining
After 3 months of that sh!t I had enough of it. I could not go back to how things were before though, so I cut contact. I calmed down a bit and then the next stage hit. Bargaining, what should I do about it? I did not want to just kill all contact with my mother, but there was no way I could keep it either. Still I tried finding a way for it to work, this kept going from time to time the next two years. Women, dating and sex got less in this stage.
Depression
Then 3 months after that a soul crushing depession hits, it was so deep that even today I'm at a loss of words to describe it. The pain felt unbearable and it took me to the darkest corners of my mind. I'm just gonna say that when you start reading existential philosophy you're in some deep sh!t. This was really all just a constant pain and life felt like a gray haze, everything just passing by and you feel totally insignificant.
Acceptance
The depression ended very sharply after about another 3 months. I was completely exhausted from it and through this entire process I was working a full time job. Every 5th week is off because of shifts, so on one of those weeks I decided on doing nothing. And so I did nothing except eat, sleep and stare at the ceiling. I didn't have energy to do anything else. One of those nights when I went to bed I thought to myself "if this will be my life, so be it, I will not kill myself". Without realizing it at the time I had accepted rather than resisted the pain of life. Within minutes and I'm not kidding, the entire mental burden just evaporated into nothing. I felt bliss for a few days after that, I bounced from the darkest to the lightest.
What happened after this? Of course I didn't live happily ever after, the elevated feelings did fade. But it was a new start for me, I realized I had been given a blank page to re-create myself and my life. I did not let that opportunity go to waste. I developed strategies for handling life, thought about how I wanted my life to be and how I could achieve that. How I could handle my emotions and how to effectively and least painfully handle a number of difficult situations. I made a framework by me, for me to live by.
I was still bouncing a little between the stages, but with my new strategies I could stop it before it got too far. I was still occasionally angry at both myself and my mother, I was still occasionally bargaining and I still had moments of depression. It still took more than one more year to end that cycle for good. Within that time I went ghost on my mother to dedicate all my effort into developing myself, she called probably hundreds of times and I didn't pick it up once.
A little over a year ago I became completely free of it all, I reached final acceptance. I understood why my mother became what she did and was able to forgive that. I was done thinking about it and free to move on as I wanted in life.
I don't think you'll find peace from her before you are capable of understanding what really made her that way, then forgive it, accept the past for what it is and move on thinking about other things. Until you reach final acceptance you'll be trapped in that vicious cycle, so work on understanding. Not only her, but yourself as well. How you became the way you did and how that drove you to someone like her. Find your hurt feelings, feel them through and let go of it.