The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[MrWood]

The temptation to not reply is strong, but I dont see her coming back at me harder if I ignore...
ignoring is simply not in my character, and IMHO would reflect that I am (still) hurt.

I was thinking sending this:
Hello there
Really busy with things lately, going to Calif/Vegas in a few weeks… (I took her to Cali once and we had plans for Vegas in the future)
some fvcking life huh?
Better yet Name, just say what you really want… what your body/heart/emotions feel ok?

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange,
1. Answer these questions: What do you want? Is it realistic/possible? Why do you want it?
2. Go re-read every single post you made in the NC thread.
3. Answer each of the questions in #1.
4. Are your answers the same? Different?
5. What is most true for you, right now?

Whatever you do, do not break NC in the next 30 days. (It may be extended longer than that.) You need time to get clear on you. You will vacillate even in NC. Do not interact. This is the time to set the foundation for you and your life moving forward. This is way bigger than, you getting back together with her or not. Don't let her distract you into making this NC period be centered on her and your future with her or not. It is way bigger than that. You are the center in your life, not her. Make sure your NC, focus and thoughts reflect that.

I agree with all this. Right now I am not sure if I want her. She has done some things I didn't think she was capable of and I don't think it's right to blame my behaviour for ever. I want to be a good person who can be good to my gf and in return I want loyalty and commitment. I'm not even sure if she is capable of that anymore. The 30 day NC begins when she leaves for her family holidays next week and she understands that I will not speak to her at all.

Sadly my previous NC has been derailed as we are hooking up again. We had an honest chat about stuff. Obviously a lot of anger and hurt on both sides (more on hers of course). But even though (in my eyes) she instigated the break up by entertaining the attention of other men (yes yes I was a horrible bf and understand her motivations) she still doesn't acknowledge it. I asked her if she'd known I would have hooked up with someone so soon after breaking up would that have made her rethink her actions and come back sooner. Her response shocked me. She said if she had known I had sex on Monday then she would have had sex with one of her orbiters that night doing it really well with all the dirty stuff I like so that I'd be just as hurt as her knowing that someone else had her body and not me. I slept on it, woke up and told her straight I would never even consider a relationship with a girl who had that "tit for tat" mentality. She apologised and said she was wrong and emotional but that still irks me. Maybe it's a double standard I don't know. Is this actually how a NORMAL woman should think???

And you want to know the dirty little secret. If it weren't for the inevitable pain and emotional turmoil that would come with it, I would probably leave her in a heatbeat. Not only could I find someone better (eventually) but I could have someone without all the baggage and who was a much better adjusted person. And even though I KNOW this, it doesn't stop me from wanting to be with her. I just can't bring myself to kill a relationship with my best friend and the first person I've actually loved.

As I've admittied a few times I fvcking wished she hadn't been so extreme in seeking me out again. I don't have the resolve to ignore her when she is crying in front of my door on her knees in the rain. That doesn't mean she can do anything to me and i would stay, but in this particular case I am the bad guy and have been for much of the relationship. A text or call can be much more easily ignored. And in all honesty I'm a proud guy so would never have bothered reaching out to her until I was completely emotionally over the relationship and banging a swedish model or something.

I was her first so unfortunately I don't really see a scenario where this extreme chasing won't happen unless she falls in love with someone else (which could/would take years) or I move out the country. As fvcked up as it sounds a part of me wishes she had actually fallen for another guy and left me for good. I'm so fried and unsure of what to do.

 

[dude99]

The temptation to not reply is strong, but I dont see her coming back at me harder if I ignore...
ignoring is simply not in my character, and IMHO would reflect that I am (still) hurt.

I was thinking sending this:
Hello there
Really busy with things lately, going to Calif/Vegas in a few weeks… (I took her to Cali once and we had plans for Vegas in the future)
some fvcking life huh?
Better yet Name, just say what you really want… what your body/heart/emotions feel ok?

If you have to say anything but if i were you
I would leave out the "just say what you really want." Part. It will do nothing except feed her ego and make her think she can still pull your strings.

 

[Carpathian]

The temptation to not reply is strong, but I dont see her coming back at me harder if I ignore...
ignoring is simply not in my character, and IMHO would reflect that I am (still) hurt.

I was thinking sending this:
Hello there
Really busy with things lately, going to Calif/Vegas in a few weeks… (I took her to Cali once and we had plans for Vegas in the future)
some fvcking life huh?
Better yet Name, just say what you really want… what your body/heart/emotions feel ok?

No, no, no. You are the fish on the line. Why are you doing this to yourself? I know you want her, I understand that. But you have to want her TO WANT YOU!!! SHE should be making the effort.

 

[MrWood]

I suppose 'yall are right. This is someone that I was engaged to, we have had 3 contacts in the last 6mo
the call on my birthday in March, the previous FB contact April 8 and this FB message now.
This was a LDR and actually takes scheduling etc to actually meet,
which in the past was anywhere from 3days/mo to 2weeks/mo with average gap of 3weeks... over 2 years

Yes I know she needs to want me, I could entertain that path, I do have plates currently
She would need to show the incentive and initiation, which this could be... or not.

I do firmly believe not responding at all is sending a more stronger message that:
a. I want absolutely nothing to do with her (somewhat true)
b. conveys that I am still hurt etc
c. figured I have 100% moved on
d. any other lame excuses I have

I guess I simply want to convey the door is cracked open for her...
she has knocked as I see it, but wont stand there for 5 days or more, her interest is now.. yes?

 

[BeTheChange]

I suppose 'yall are right. This is someone that I was engaged to, we have had 3 contacts in the last 6mo
the call on my birthday in March, the previous FB contact April 8 and this FB message now.
This was a LDR and actually takes scheduling etc to actually meet,
which in the past was anywhere from 3days/mo to 2weeks/mo with average gap of 3weeks... over 2 years

Yes I know she needs to want me, I could entertain that path, I do have plates currently
She would need to show the incentive and initiation, which this could be... or not.

I do firmly believe not responding at all is sending a more stronger message that:
a. I want absolutely nothing to do with her (somewhat true)
b. conveys that I am still hurt etc
c. figured I have 100% moved on
d. any other lame excuses I have

I guess I simply want to convey the door is cracked open for her...
she has knocked as I see it, but wont stand there for 5 days or more, her interest is now.. yes?

Mate you are lying to yourself. Only in the emotionally damaged world of an NC’er does NOT responding somehow convey more neediness and hurt than responding.

I am guilty of twisting situations in my mind to suit what my emotions actually want me to do which is why it’s so important to seek out objective advice and here it comes. The b*tch knows the door is open for her and if she gives a crap she will at least go to the trouble to find out by GIVING YOU A CALL and actually TRYING to get back together. Not this bullsh*t. Keep on with NC and get on with your life until she ACTUALLY makes an effort. But don’t hold your breath.

If there is one lesson this whole thing has taught me it is that women are fvcking ruthless. They WILL fvck up your heart and life and move on without a second thought. Yes my ex came back but ONLY because SHE was hurting, not because she cared about the pain she inflicted on me. Brother, understand most women only really care about themselves. This is what they mean when they say do NC for YOU and no one else. You're wallowing about while she is very probably in another man's arms.

As bad as it sounds I honestly think you need to picture your girl getting banged by another guy (which is probably happening). Then tell me if you still want to live your life pining after such a person? Didn't think so.

 

[MrWood]

I fully know she at least was fvcking another dude.
NC has been for me, and has worked mostly, except this cvnt has hit my high score list in a bad way... I'm 50yo!
she was never persistent or initiated much even before or during our relationship, high functioning introvert
she continues to like my pics/updates on FB even that I have not anything to hers

my gut says ignoring the breadcrumb is response to her that I want no contact or anything to do with her, although no words were ever spoken to suggest otherwise during our brief breakup talks

and yes, she brought me here and is why I am posting before sending anything

 

[Carpathian]

@MrWood You are right, make your mistakes here, share your thoughts and let us help you before you do anything crazy like reaching out to her to get a reaction. That's what we are on this forum for. @BeTheChange is exactly right, she must be making the effort here. You can't manipulate your way back into a relationship, she has to want you! You want a woman that thinks "Oh yes, I am seeing MrWood" tonight not a "meh" woman who sees you as something to be tolerated.

At the end of the day dude, you have to do what your gut instinct tells you to do. But I am pretty sure if you send that message you'll get some weak wishy-washy response followed by silence.

And 50 is the new 40 by the way. Don't put yourself down. I am 48 and have never looked as good or been as professional or competent. I'm even very happy as well though my ex dumping me has taken the edge off of me for a few months. I will be back!

 

[MrWood]

yea heh, I get more and younger ass than I ever did
which is why this one partially fvcked my head so bad

I am also aware that I am the prize... thanks for the support all

she is now 32, still looks 26 without makeup HB8 and really threw off my age range factor!

bah!

 

[dude99]

I fully know she at least was fvcking another dude.
NC has been for me, and has worked mostly, except this cvnt has hit my high score list in a bad way... I'm 50yo!
she was never persistent or initiated much even before or during our relationship, high functioning introvert
she continues to like my pics/updates on FB even that I have not anything to hers

my gut says ignoring the breadcrumb is response to her that I want no contact or anything to do with her, although no words were ever spoken to suggest otherwise during our brief breakup talks

and yes, she brought me here and is why I am posting before sending anything

Stay no contact. If you initiate anything all you are going to do is be entertainment for her. Don't do that to yourself

 

[LiveYourDream]

@MrWood, @BeTheChange, @Carpathian, @bradd80, @all in NC

What often draws men to re-engage their ex is a deep desire for validation. Validation that she loved you, that she still loves you, that she misses you, that she thinks about you, that you were special to her, that you still are special to her, that she still wants you (even if she can't have you or if she can), that no one has measured up to you, etc.

There is a belief that once you "know", that "knowing" will free you up inside and you can then finally move on (or live happily ever after, depending on the fantasy.)

Her validation has no power over you or your capacity to move on (unless you allow it.) It's an illusion. It's an illusion you can perpetuate inside yourself, should you choose. You'll suffer accordingly. I understand and have immense compassion for the humanness that drives the illusion. I've ridden it too and sometimes still catch myself as well. It's an illusion that you can come to know and see as just that, an illusion. In doing so, you choose to reclaim your power and your life.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@BeTheChange, I highly recommend that you do not revise your vacation plans again. Go away with your buddy. Not to spite the Ex/Not Ex GF, but because you need time and space away right now, including from her.

 

[MrWood]

@LYD
thank you, and you are partially right. I do have validation issues and a little of that is there in this.
there was no closure, which is fine if we are forever in NC, I will not be a friend, we did not part in a raging fight or begging her back.
Spoken then was there may be opportunity yet down the road for us when we said goodbye, 6mo has past now, 5 from any real words exchanged between us... and parting shot fired from her by silence after our last Skype call in Feb that was very disrespectful after the previous days attempt went well, and she offered to call back... resulting in a 180 flip from her and *crickets*.

On my birthday in early March she called by phone and we briefly spoke (my 50th and I was at a dubstep concert in Seattle). My parting words were..
"If you want to talk, call me"

so I guess she hasn't called... NC

 

[Gaysha]

I'm new here. Read a lot of threads about NC and currently doing it.

My ex girlfriend and I (same-sex relationship) met on a online dating site which also has a forum. After 4 months and some complications (she dropped out of college in my city and went to another one which is 180kms far), I decided to visit her there and we started our long distance relationship.
Everything was going great but there were red flags which I obviously didn't want to see...
Long story short, she broke up with me on April 21st, I told her 'okay, I respect your decision, I'm gonna go now'. I actually got into NC without knowing it. She sends me a message 2 days after asking me how I was, how she made a mistake so we got back together.

Second breakup was on May 21st. We both decided that was the best thing to do - I was insecure, didn't trust her (she gave me reasons not to trust her by saying how she will do all these things but never ended doing them), she was f**** up because of her parents' divorce etc., a lot of reasons.
Talked for a week when I decided to stop all that because she indirectly told me she doesn't want to come to my city because the priority is to go to another city for a music festival so yeah...
I sent her a text a week after that, she was cold and distant. On June 19th, I ask her can we see each other one last time, she says she doesn't want to, she would be bored... she also said she put up her emotional walls once again (removed them for me) and she won't remove them ever again for no one, and also "I don't need anyone's love".
Then I decided I won't be her puppy (I never offended her, everything I said about her bad sides was because I wanted her to work on herself, for example I told her how she constantly talks about losing weight and training and then eats 2 f****** pineapples a day... and never hits the gym). When I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it.

Anyway, I went NC after that texting on June 19th.
Today is my 18th day and I am doing great.
I have regained my self-confidence, started going out more, finishing my college (she passed 0 EXAMS on her new college, she is very lazy and used to getting everything she wants, grew up in a very rich family), lost a couple of pounds, feeling good... damn, I'm gonna be a doctor in 10 months. I'm young (24), healthy, good looking, good friends, family that supports me (and knows I'm gay)...
On the other hand, she is 21, really put on a lot of weight past couple of months (around 33 pounds), going nowhere with her college, pretty asocial so doesn't go out much, her family would kill her if they ever found out she was gay BUT she has a lot of money haha. She really is a good person but doesn't know what to do with her life, very lazy.

I know NC is for healing yourself, and I am doing that, but I want to feel that moment when she reaches me and asks something...
During NC period, she started posting some things on forum where we first met (because she knows I'm still there and can read it), something like 'you are so cute, I don't know will I ask you out' (talking about some girl she is obviously texting), she also plays LoL with her which she used to play only with me.
She has a pattern of running away from problems, like when her parents were divorcing she was constantly on that forum and ignored me and her best friend. I think she is doing the same thing now, with those posts to make me jealous...

So, what do you guys say about this? Do you think she will reach out for me?

 

[Carpathian]

@Gaysha welcome fellow medic I'm in cardiology!
No one can say for sure if she will reach out. This is not precise science like me and you study. However, all evidence points to the fact that complete separation from the person who dumped you is the way to go if you want that person to reconsider that choice to finish with you. Total no contact, is the most tried and tested way that causes the dumper to reach out because it causes them to miss you and re-evaluate their feelings for you It *can* take many months for this to happen, years sometimes. However, sometimes they don't reach out and you need to understand this. Also, think long term. If she dumped you, what makes you think that, if your dreams come true and she reaches out, she won't dump you again in the future because of her feelings of control and power over you since "she" is the one who gave you the other chance??? Think about this very carefully and reverse the psychology..... YOU MUST BE THE ONE GIVING THE OTHER CHANCE!!!!! YOU must be NC so that the radio silence you are giving her causes HER to reach out to YOU.

Use NC primarily as a tool to help you get over your partner. It may have the side effect of bringing her back round. But you have to be very, very patient.

We are all here to help and going through this ourselves. 14 weeks in my case.

 

[Glassguy]

Don't be completely fooled about NC. It's for the person that got dumped to have space to heal and overcome. It doesn't always result in the dumper chasing you. I would say way more times than not they won't come back and chase because something happened to turn them away. That won't change

 

[LiveYourDream]

If one is using NC as a tool, to someday hopefully re-attract their ex, posting about it here, in my opinion, is a disservice to all those here who are going through the very real struggle of doing the NC, as intended by this thread.

The internal journey of detaching to the degree that you anticipate and accept never interacting with your ex again, is not even close to the internal journey of one who is simply looking to get through break-up withdrawals and improve themselves, so their ex will be hot for them again. One is looking to remove their ex from their consciousness entirely and to find peace or indifference with that. The other holds anticipation and ponders how good it may be in the future with their ex, when they finally see them and... etc. One is looking to eliminate their ex entirely and the other holds a positive outcome attached to their ex wanting them back again, etc. They are hugely different internal journeys. Please be considerate. Focusing in this NC thread about your wishes and hopes to one day reconcile with your ex after NC, only hinders and challenges the progress of those who are attempting to move on forever.

If one is trying to get off a drug forever, being with others doing the same can build camaraderie and be supportive along the way. Having others in the group talk about their plans to use the drug again, in the future and what they hope it will be like when they do, challenges all those looking to remain abstinent. Consider that. You may think you are only talking about your own drug use in the future, as if it doesn't affect or impact another. It does. To those going through the withdrawals and recalibrations of NC, such discussions, of using someday, challenge their focus and their intent. I just ask all to be mindful of others and the intent of this thread.

Onto slips. Slips can happen in NC. I get that. Sometimes one's ex just shows up. This is real life. One works through those along the way. They are an important part of the dialogue in this thread. Group support is important for those times. They teach us all here, when one shares. One shouldn't feel ashamed or hesitate to share about those here. This is a learning and growing journey for us all.

Again, if one's goal/wish is to someday reconcile with their ex, I encourage them to please move their discussion/posts about it, to a new thread.

I wish all here well. I simply feel some may be unaware I felt moved to clarify the differences in NC and how we can, imho, best support one another in this thread and on SS. True NC is can be crazy hard, even at it's very best. I just am asking that all here to be mindful of that and to post, or not post here, accordingly.

Know that I meant well, for all, with this. Stepping off the soap box now.

 

[MrWood]

not easy...
want to reply...
help...

 

[Carpathian]

@LiveYourDream Great post. I agree, this is sort of unintentionally developing into a "how can I use NC to get my ex back" thread. I could l have been guilty of contributing to that, inadvertently and regrettably by discussing my own NC journey by discussing my past experiences of "absence makes the heart get fonder" (does that make sense in English?)
I agree totally what you say, NC should always be used primarily to detach from the ex so yo can move on with your life. People on the thread should always be aware of this. NC breaks the destructive cycle.

 

[BeTheChange]

@LiveYourDream What a fantastic post. You are 100 per cent right. Mentally acknowledging the fact you will never see your ex is a significantly more traumatic event, physially, mentally and emotionally, than being dumped and going into NC as a hail mary tactic to win them back.

However I will say that unless your ex has done something really bad there is always a chance of reconciling so it can be difficult to let go of this. But if a relationship has ended most of the time it is the guy's fault whether indirectly (through him turning into a beta and reducing her attraction) or directly (cheating or being an *******). Reconciliation is possible but it often requires a lengthy period of time to work on yourself and heal. This is why even if NC makes your ex come back it is not a good idea to reunite as the underlying problems (e.g betaness or poor behaviour) are still there.