The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[alex_in24]

After some long time, yesterday my ex came into my dreams again. the dream was "great". Kissing, laughing and everything positive about us. But the dream was so real and somehow i knew that i was dreaming. So at the very end, before i wake up and before my ex leaves, i just stop her and tell to her: listen, i know that this is a dream and that we are back together again but understand this, in real life don't ever come back to me again because i will never have you back and please stop even coming in my dreams,i don't want you anymore...

75+ days NC and counting..

 

[LiveYourDream]

After some long time, yesterday my ex came into my dreams again. the dream was "great". Kissing, laughing and everything positive about us. But the dream was so real and somehow i knew that i was dreaming. So at the very end, before i wake up and before my ex leaves, i just stop her and tell to her: listen, i know that this is a dream and that we are back together again but understand this, in real life don't ever come back to me again because i will never have you back and please stop even coming in my dreams,i don't want you anymore...

75+ days NC and counting..

This is one of my all time favorite posts in the NC thread! Way to own your life and what you want...even in your dreams/sleep!

 

[Carpathian]

@Fireballs @alex_in24
You'll both be fine in a few days guys. I had a bad week last week. And I mean bad. Man I was missing her terribly and could hardly think of anything else. Only at work was I not thinking of her and, as a doctor that's probably for the best! It is terrible, I loved her so much, I would have taken a bullet for her and she threw me out like trash. You must have both been like me, loved her intensely. Just smashing on other women does not cut it.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian

Smashing other chicks doesn't cut it at ALL. But believing in yourself, constantly improving yourself and seeing yourself as the ultimate prize that she failed to receive will help eventually. Be strong doc, the people around you NEED YOU to be strong, and first and foremost u NEED IT YOURSELF!

 

[MrWood]

2mo after the last Facebook validate me message she initiated and NC I get the "Hello MrWood! How are you?"... again

I dont know if I even want to respond, again it would be out of character if I didnt. instead of a "I'm ok. Thanks." I will go with "hello there" and see what she spits back
Think I can deal with whatever, but dont know if I want to see her again, I cant be friends or a friend to her.

 

[Carpathian]

2mo after the last Facebook validate me message she initiated and NC I get the "Hello MrWood! How are you?"... again

I dont know if I even want to respond, again it would be out of character if I didnt. instead of a "I'm ok. Thanks." I will go with "hello there" and see what she spits back
Think I can deal with whatever, but dont know if I want to see her again, I cant be friends or a friend to her.

Two - four months is the classic delay for a dumper to reach out I have found. Enough time has passed for her to start to miss you on a deep level, for her to reevaluate her feelings and for her to "get it" that this is for real and that unless she reaches out she'll never hear from you again. So, she sent you a feeler message to break the ice. All such contacts are feeler messages. Only you can decide what to do. If it was a bad break up just ignore it. If you harbor reconciliation possibilities just reply "I'm good thanks" and see where it goes. But in my experience, it rarely works out the second time (and subsequent times).

 

[Carpathian]

Two - four months is the classic delay for a dumper to reach out I have found. Enough time has passed for her to start to miss you on a deep level, for her to reevaluate her feelings and for her to "get it" that this is for real and that unless she reaches out she'll never hear from you again. So, she sent you a feeler message to break the ice. All such contacts are feeler messages. Only you can decide what to do. If it was a bad break up just ignore it. If you harbor reconciliation possibilities just reply "I'm good thanks" and see where it goes. But in my experience, it rarely works out the secondy time (and subsequent times).

...also meant to add. Feeler message is not the same as a "I want you back" message - it is very important to understand this. Feeler message is similar to checking you have your car keys in your pocket still. She wants reassurance that you (the keys) are still "there" and safe. A reply, even a "I'm fine thanks" gives her some level of reassurance that you are still "there" and may still possibly be available since if you ignored her she could imply from that you no longer care and have moved on....

I went through this stage four weeks ago with my ex after a ten week NC period. We exchanged a few emails after she broke the NC with some sh1t about sorry the way it ended and then she went quiet - i.e. she knows I am "there". This set me - the dumpee - back for two weeks as I was starting to think maybe she wants me again and I was disappointed when she went quiet again. This is why many will advise strict NC and never reply to anything other than a "I am sorry, I fvcked up and I want you back". So be careful and think this through before you reply. In my case, if she sends me other messages I am going to ignore her. She needs to send me a few such messages indicating her intentions before I'll reply again.

 

[BeTheChange]

2mo after the last Facebook validate me message she initiated and NC I get the "Hello MrWood! How are you?"... again

I dont know if I even want to respond, again it would be out of character if I didnt. instead of a "I'm ok. Thanks." I will go with "hello there" and see what she spits back
Think I can deal with whatever, but dont know if I want to see her again, I cant be friends or a friend to her.

Don’t do it. If she wants you she will explicitly say. Let that anxiety build until it hits a crescendo. Allow her to be miserable and fully appreciate what it means to have you absent from her life. You have to allow them reach out. My ex did so on Saturday and went full blown psycho - Banging on my door, ringing my doorbell constantly, trying to speak to me through my bathroom window. She even threatened to beat up any girl she saw me with. I ignored her the first time, put my earphones in and watched a film. Then she came back later even though it was raining pretty heavily and did the same thing for about 15 minutes before I let her in.

She tells me she’s been “a mess” this last week and “lost” without me. She admits to having been on dates or going out clubbing with 4 different guys every day since the breakup, drinking regularly. In fact she still looked hung over and had her eye makeup on from what looked like the night before. She claims nothing happened with any of them. Being the honest guy I am, I tell her about Monday with the other girl. She takes it very badly – rolling round on the floor crying, etc. But what’s worse is that I eventually (and only through tricking her) get her to admit that she DID hook up with one of these guys - blowj0b with the guy I saw her with on Wednesday on the same night I saw her can you believe it! (And only because she was on her period that week)

I was prepared to accept that “heartbreak” and 3 years of me unknowingly chipping away at her self-esteem through my indifference might turn her into a busy girl. It’s her right to find a distraction as it was mine and as I said I was emotionally and physically abusive for a large part of the relationship and she deserved better. I’ve been a confident guy for quite a while now so it’s hard for me to imagine how someone else’s words or behaviour towards you can have such an impact on your self-worth but obviously it was massive for her. I’m starting therapy soon as I do want to tackle this and become a better man. HOWEVER I was hoping that she wouldn’t reach out until after a few months. @LiveYourDream and co. What do you think about this whole situation?

She goes on holiday next week and gets back while I am away so it works out that from that time they’ll be a period where we can’t see each other for a whole month. I’ve told her that I want to do NC during this time for at least 30 days just to collect my thoughts, sort my life out and make a more objective decision. She’s reluctant as she is “scared I will fall out of love with her” or “find another woman” and in the past refused my NC request when we were going through some issues last year. However this time she appreciates I need some time away so has reluctantly agreed to respect my wishes for NC.

 

[MrWood]

the "Im good, thanks, was replied with "THATS GREAT!" and that was 2mo ago with NC in between, but her liking all of my FB posts and pics.

last contact thread:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-451#post-2330671
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-451#post-2330750
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-451#post-2331044

 

[Glassguy]

Wood- I wouldn't repond. If you do, I'd wait a few days first and that's only if you for sure want to give it another try. Wait a few days and see if she sends something else.

You can always wait a few days and say "I'm sorry I don't recognize the phone number....who is this again?"

 

[dude99]

Mr wood. I would just go into complete ignore mode. What she is looking for is too see if she "can" still have you. She wants too see if you still have feelings for her whether she wants you back or not. She wants her ego fed so she can sit around the table with her friends and brag how you are a mess without her.

Total ignore dude. Don't play.

 

[Carpathian]

Don’t do it. If she wants you she will explicitly say. Let that anxiety build until it hits a crescendo. Allow her to be miserable and fully appreciate what it means to have you absent from her life. You have to allow them reach out.

^^^^^This^^^^^

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange How long before Saturday when she beat down your door had you been in NC for?

 

[Carpathian]

@MrWood Your situation sounds so much like mine it is unreal. You're even a similar age. Reading through your posts a bit more she is definitely doing these little reach outs to see if you are still a "fish on the line" (does that make sense in English???). Definitely. And then you reply "I'm fine thanks". And then she is reassured you are still the fish on the line, ready to be yanked at her beck-and-call. Man, it's time to re-arrange the furniture in this situation. Completely ignore these breadcrumb messages. You should not play this fvkking game anymore with her. Unless she has something substantive to say then ignore her. It wont be long before she reaches out again.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange How long before Saturday when she beat down your door had you been in NC for?

7 days. I think my situation might be somewhat unique because we were together for 3 years AND I took her virginity so I imagine it will be a little bit more difficult for her to be willing to lose that connection. However I still believe the principles are the same.

If you want her to be truly be happy with you again then she has to REALLY want to come back. She HAS to experience the pain of not being round you. And the only way you can really see this is when they sacrifice their pride and reach out to you properly. A "hey how are you" text should be taken for what it is. Casual interest. We don't want casual interest. We want our women to be head over heels crazy for us. Accept nothing less.

 

[Carpathian]

We don't want casual interest. We want our women to be head over heels crazy for us. Accept nothing less.

Amen brother.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@LiveYourDream and co. What do you think about this whole situation?

@BeTheChange,
1. Answer these questions: What do you want? Is it realistic/possible? Why do you want it?
2. Go re-read every single post you made in the NC thread.
3. Answer each of the questions in #1.
4. Are your answers the same? Different?
5. What is most true for you, right now?

Whatever you do, do not break NC in the next 30 days. (It may be extended longer than that.) You need time to get clear on you. You will vacillate even in NC. Do not interact. This is the time to set the foundation for you and your life moving forward. This is way bigger than, you getting back together with her or not. Don't let her distract you into making this NC period be centered on her and your future with her or not. It is way bigger than that. You are the center in your life, not her. Make sure your NC, focus and thoughts reflect that.

 

[Optimus04]

Joined this because of this thread. I was seeing some girl, we had sex then I started liking her a lot. Then she changed and I asked her what she wanted and she told me friendship. So I stopped talking to her, couple days after she sent me 3 messages asking if I was mad at her. I didn't reply and she hasn't said anything since. Oh well, I guess she moved on.

I'm also trying to move on but I'm going through some things now and it's hard not to think of her when I'm down.

 

[MrWood]

"fish on a line" is perfect actually.
She is a Russian, lives in Moscow.

I do want to see what she is up to with this, if it is another validation probe, or something else.
Do I want a relationship with her? She would need to show alot of change, so I can handle any response.
Question is how/if I should reply to elicit an actual response or provoke some communication?

 

[Carpathian]

@MrWood Clearly you have an "itch" for her to reach out. Don't we all! But replying to her to get her to reply to you is a bit crazy. You have done this before and she simply went quiet again. As we have all said, in your situation you should not be reaching out to anything less than a "I want to get back together" message. That's why you need to remain NC. It is hard, you like her, but there is no other way. I am in the same situation.