The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[LiveYourDream]

don't get me wrong dude

Please know that I am a woman. Take that into consideration in whatever way you need, whenever you read what I share.

im going out with the boys in NYC. It should be a great night.

Focus on that. Talk that up to yourself, if it helps.

But what I'm doing (wondering whether an ex misses you) is about as common as breathing.

How often do you REALLY need to do that? Hourly? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Once a year? Never again?

She left this relationship with all the power.

Explain that please.

It'll pass the next day

It seems you've set up this expectation and allowance that she will be on your mind until the day after your birthday, but then it is going to stop and be done. I question if it can stop now and not wait till the day after your birthday? Can the frequency at least be diminished? Do you truly have to be tortured so till the day after your birthday or are you just defaulting to that belief?

as you know I've been dreaming about her. I'm cool during the day. In other words I'm not dreaming about her because I think of her, I think of her because I'm dreaming about her

When a thought of her pops up, as soon as you catch it, train yourself to refocus on the present moment. Don't engage the thought, expand on it or follow it with others. I know it is easier said than done. Everyone starts somewhere. Start where you are and thought by thought, immediately lead yourself to refocus again, whenever she pops up in your mind (without purpose.)

 

[finality]

If you are still wondering about your ex after a year you should call her/contact her.

Let her reject you and then have no doubts and move on forever.

I'd rather have a calm mind and no dignity then a chaotic mind with dignity.

Power is infinite. Just because because your ex has 90% doesn't mean you have 10%. You can both have 100%

When you play by your own rules and don't care about the outcome you win every time.

Call her and ask her to marry you just for the LOL's.

 

[LiveYourDream]

If you are still wondering about your ex after a year you should call her/contact her.

I wouldn't recommend it. The passing of a year does not necessarily make one immune. Contacting her is only opening up Pandora's Box, with no idea of what you will find or how it will affect you. No matter how curious you are, never re-contact a BPD ex.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Please know that I am a woman. Take that into consideration in whatever way you need, whenever you read what I share. Focus on that. Talk that up to yourself, if it helps.

Cool, sorry about that.

How often do you REALLY need to do that? Hourly? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Once a year? Never again?
Explain that please.

It's definitely not a need and is certainly an unproductive thought by all accounts. But I think all things considered, I'm well in control of my mind. I'm never "lost in thought" per se, about her. I'm aware of the thoughts, what they mean, why they're there. I'm long past these guys that come to the board with "why did she send this text?" "please help!" "girlfriend cheated on me, should I stay?" There is a spectrum of oneitis, and mine is like an old scar rather than a fresh wound.

I've taken up meditation to improve my moment to moment understanding of the world, and it's worked. However, I didn't expect the thoughts of a 4.5 year relationship to totally evaporate in 11 months. Surely you understand that.

It seems you've set up this expectation and allowance that she will be on your mind until the day after your birthday, but then it is going to stop and be done. I question if it can stop now and not wait till the day after your birthday? Can the frequency at least be diminished? Do you truly have to be tortured so till the day after your birthday or are you just defaulting to that belief?

What I was getting at is my birthday marks one year to the day of no contact, and it'll actually be a big accomplishment for me. Our minds demand patterns. June 11 is a milestone. When my father died, on the one year anniversary, I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was dreading that day for a while. Very shortly after, when I realized it was the 2nd time through the calendar, I had a better understanding of what the routine, including every holiday and anniversary would be like. It's a different kind of grief, but grief nevertheless.

When a thought of her pops up, as soon as you catch it, train yourself to refocus on the present moment. Don't engage the thought, expand on it or follow it with others. I know it is easier said than done. Everyone starts somewhere. Start where you are and thought by thought, immediately lead yourself to refocus again, whenever she pops up in your mind (without purpose.)

Good advice. I've tried that periodically. It worked sporadically, but not all the time. It's a worthy endeavor though.

I'm sure everyone in this thread understands. I'm a pretty cynical, unreactive, introverted guy in real life. I'm skeptical and unimpressed by women other guys fawn over. But we all have an Achilles heel. I made a mistake this one time caring for this one girl as much as I did. But that's OK. With nearly 10,000 posts, this thread has been here to revisit when things momentarily get tough. And I am grateful for that.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I didn't expect the thoughts of a 4.5 year relationship to totally evaporate in 11 months. Surely you understand that.

I appreciate your clarification. I have huge compassion. I understand it, more than words could ever convey. I am working mine too, everyday.

What I was getting at is my birthday marks one year to the day of no contact, and it'll actually be a big accomplishment for me. Our minds demand patterns. June 11 is a milestone. When my father died, on the one year anniversary, I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was dreading that day for a while. Very shortly after, when I realized it was the 2nd time through the calendar, I had a better understanding of what the routine, including every holiday and anniversary would be like. It's a different kind of grief, but grief nevertheless.

You are right. My brother passed a few years ago. I love/d him more than words can express. That first year after his passing and each anniversary since was tough in a way I never knew before. I understand what you are saying here about your dad and about her, even more clearly now. Thank you for helping me to understand more clearly.

With nearly 10,000 posts, this thread has been here to revisit when things momentarily get tough. And I am grateful for that.

Me too!

@BlueAlpha1, Hang in there! I appreciate what you are facing now, in a way didn't earlier. I am sorry I approached you the way I did earlier. I apologize. Please don't hesitate to post here. In this time up until after your birthday, especially keep engaging here, whenever you are inclined, no matter how the ups and downs go. This is a place for those challenges. There is support for you here!

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I appreciate your clarification. I have huge compassion. I understand it, more than words could ever convey. I am working mine too, everyday.
You are right. My brother passed a few years ago. I love/d him more than words can express. That first year after his passing and each anniversary since was tough in a way I never knew before. I understand what you are saying here about your dad and about her, even more clearly now. Thank you for helping me to understand more clearly. Me too!

@BlueAlpha1, Hang in there! I appreciate what you are facing now, in a way didn't earlier. I am sorry I approached you the way I did earlier. I apologize. Please don't hesitate to post here. In this time up until after your birthday, especially keep engaging here, whenever you are inclined, no matter how the ups and downs go. This is a place for those challenges. There is support for you here!

Thanks. No need to apologize.

To give you an idea of what the birthdays were like, this girl would go above and beyond what my family ever did. From them I would get cards, a $25 check, a $100 bill if I'm lucky, and from some a voicemail a day or 2 late. But I've never had anything that rocked my world. I don't ask much, and didn't expect much. By contrast, I've given super awesome gifts to those around me, offering to take them on a cruise, paying for a flight to a city they dreamt of visiting, but I digress.

One year she pulls out a nice duffle bag that had to run about $45. I thought, "nice for the gym". Only the duffle bag was stuffed with stuff. Books, my favorite granola bars, dvd's, gag gifts, a card, souvenirs from her travels. It weighed a good 20 pounds worth of junk. She also dressed for the occasion, and she had a knack for dolling up in a way that turned me on in a split-second. When I looked at my gifts she looked so humble and happy to give, which made her "black" periods all the more traumatic. Follow up with the most mind-numbing sex you could imagine. This went on for 3-4 years, with me doing similar stuff for her day. Another year she showed up late to a date because she'd been busy getting a tattoo on her foot as a tribute to me. She limped into the diner apologizing for being 10 minutes late.

And yet, this same woman brought me into the valley of the shadow of death at times with her jealousy games. I'm talking dabbling with Xanax, sleeping pills, following each other, you name it. This is why somebody who hasn't lived through a BPD relationship has no idea what they're talking about. This separation was the 3rd most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, other than the death of my father, and a personal ordeal my mother went through. I actually rank this as more traumatic than losing my grandmother, because nobody including blood cared for me, or pretended to care as much as this woman, including other girlfriends who I never thought of again.

I don't take any pride revisiting this. It feels rather pathetic to discuss a year later. I've built quite a reputation on this board in a short time for being a hard-hitting, cynical truth teller. But I'm human

 

[Glassguy]

Blue Alpha- I dont mean to come across to blunt, but I have went through this twice (a divorce after an 8 yr marriage and a 3 year LTR/engagement and completely planned wedding at the time of the break up).

You just have to accept the fact that the relationship, for whatever reason (and doesnt really matter) is over. I thought my ex that I was engaged to was the one without question. I thought nobody would ever appreciate me or do the things for me that she did.

But that was the old her, and I have seen the side of the NEW her. Complete opposites. I understand and accept that. Reality is that there are MANY more women out there that will give you EVEN BETTER than you think you are missing with her. You just have to trust that and put the focus on yourself and not on the past relationship.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Blue Alpha- I dont mean to come across to blunt, but I have went through this twice (a divorce after an 8 yr marriage and a 3 year LTR/engagement and completely planned wedding at the time of the break up).

You just have to accept the fact that the relationship, for whatever reason (and doesnt really matter) is over. I thought my ex that I was engaged to was the one without question. I thought nobody would ever appreciate me or do the things for me that she did.

But that was the old her, and I have seen the side of the NEW her. Complete opposites. I understand and accept that. Reality is that there are MANY more women out there that will give you EVEN BETTER than you think you are missing with her. You just have to trust that and put the focus on yourself and not on the past relationship.

I have very little hope in the North American (or western in general) woman. If 90% of them have been corrupted by radical feminism and pervasive social media, the other 10% will be sought after by millionaires and athletes. What chance do other guys in the middle 30% of the spectrum have? Not saying average guys can't get laid, but everyone ended up on this forum because they dealt with a crazy or multiple crazies.

Then again, both my brother and best friend have locked down a feminine, loyal, long-haired, nurturing woman long term. They exist, but just don't find me.

 

[alex_in24]

@BlueAlpha1 I can find myself in ur story. My ex is also a hard case of BPD and I broke up after 2 yrs of LTR. How do u find yourself healing from the break up ? What's been good to you and what has been not ?? Has she tried to call or contact u ? What are your thoughts about BPD girls ???

 

[BlueAlpha1]

@BlueAlpha1 I can find myself in ur story. My ex is also a hard case of BPD and I broke up after 2 yrs of LTR. How do u find yourself healing from the break up ? What's been good to you and what has been not ?? Has she tried to call or contact u ? What are your thoughts about BPD girls ???

I have to admit this woman has given me a very cynical view of women and has affected my ability to game these last 12 months. I hardly find it worth it anymore. This year alone I paid for two hookers simply because it was the most honest interaction I could see in dealing with women. Only seduced one other girl naturally, thus only had sex with 3 women since she left. Lots of potential prospects that ultimately flaked.

I've "healed" in the sense that I understand there is no going back, there is no making it work. I still think of her all too frequently - where she regrets it, feels remorse, thinks of me at all. I don't care what any of the "millionaires" who've "banged 250 chicks" or consider themselves "sociopaths" tell you about sucking up and moving on. That's posturing and not usually how it works in the real world unless you have a mental disorder as well. We all want our exes to pine for us. It was a 4 year LTR that only ended 11 months ago. When I feel insecure, I imagine her as dancing some salsa happily with some new beau. On days I feel more confident, I imagine she's crying over my photos. Or that if she isn't already, she will someday. She is after all 35, divorced, and with 2 kids. I'm 27, no baggage, well-traveled, with cash to burn. But yes, sadly, I still loved her.

Travel has been good to me. I backpacked to Europe for a month last summer and it changed my life for the better. Not dating enough the last 12 months hasn't helped either. What she also did was alter my view of my potentiality for being a family man. Because I may never trust a woman again in this way, I'm not unsure about marriage, cohabitating, or children. All this in turn alters your view about careers - is it worth slaving away at a job you hate and throwing money into a 401k for a happy retirement that may never come? It used to be a worthwhile sacrifice for man when the family was strong, and that was when women were held accountable for their actions. Now you have all the misery of 9-5 and there is no reward at the end at all! That's how MGTOW grew crazily in the last 10 years. Dating is different now even from 10 years ago. In 2006 when MySpace was the face of this new thing called social media, women were far more approachable and tolerable.

She hasn't tried to contact me. Although she has my mom's number and my brothers. She used to talk to my mom a lot, but I made them both swear if she ever contacted them they would not pass the message to me. I would imagine if she doesn't contact me for my birthday, she likely won't ever again.

 

[BeTheChange]

BlueAlpha - You need to mentally accept that you will never see or hear from your ex again. It will drastically aid your healing process.

Day 1

Broke up with the ex last night. Had an argument, where I felt she was over the line disresptful so I ended things. She stormed out and didn't come home. That for me was the nail in the coffin. She could have been with anyone and anywhere so it does not matter what she says or how she begs. She knows how it will be PERCEIVED and does not care anywhere, which is worse. On top of that she had the audacity to block me.

Slept OK last night considering. A solid 6 hours. Feel relatively chilled about it since I know it's the right decision. At work all day and will try and find something to entertain myself tonight so will get back quite late. She's not working this week so hopefully she will have come back to the flat, packed her stuff and gone to a friends. If she's still around when I get back I'll pack my bag and stay at a friends or do an airbnb. I have no intention of having a real conversation with her beyond the absolute necessities again.

 

[alex_in24]

NC DAY 45+ i think..

As soon as i woke up today i had a strange feeling. Like something was about to happen. Bla bla bla fast forward, i went to the gym. Waited for my cousin there for about 20 mins and we had a workout together. I finished earlier so i told him that i had to go home to clean up the mess because my father is coming home tonight from a mini weekend vacation. Basically today, all the things that have happened were perfectly timed so this could have happened. As soon as i stepped out of the gym, i saw my ex waiting the lights to pass the street.

I touched her on her right shoulder and went to her left side. She then saw me and we had a short laugh. I asked her how is she, and how is the studying going while being calm, indifferent. She asked me a pair of questions also and the green light came on. We then said goodbye and went on separate ways.

Honestly she didndt seem like she wanted to talk to me..But i did that because of me, so i can prove myself that i can be calm and stoic in these types of situations.

Stalked her fb and IG account later..yeah that was stupid but fvck it. Thats it.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

BlueAlpha - You need to mentally accept that you will never see or hear from your ex again. It will drastically aid your healing process.

Can't believe it still bothers me to hear that, but it does. Maybe because I've never loved another girl.

Whatever.

 

[BeTheChange]

Can't believe it still bothers me to hear that, but it does. Maybe because I've never loved another girl.

Whatever.

I've just spent the last 24 hours in jail due to a vindictive ex so Day 2 was a b1tch! Be happy you didn't fall in love with a psycho.

Can only get better from here.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I've just spent the last 24 hours in jail due to a vindictive ex so Day 2 was a b1tch! Be happy you didn't fall in love with a psycho.

Can only get better from here.

Care to explain?

 

[BeTheChange]

Care to explain?

Not really. No use. Better to move on and focus on the future.

 

[finality]

Day 30

 

[alex_in24]

@finality Wow, how quick time passes huh ?

DAY 50 here

 

[finality]

@finality Wow, how quick time passes huh ?

DAY 50 here

The first couple weeks felt like an eternity. I thought about my ex like someone that was lost in the desert thinks about water.

I made it to shore though.

 

[S. Aureus]

I even forget the day

So I manage to find time for the gym, hopefully I'll stay this time there and not quit.
Also I found out that I am more atractive that I thought, the sister and couple of her friends liked me and a few other people than don´t know me thought the same. I gotta say than the people that knew the old me are difficult to change their perspective but well.
Well I broke the NC but we were waiting for the teacher, I asked her to give some spot on the bench and she told me if I wanna hear her exposition (She had to teach something about chemotherapy) and I usually heard her and fix her mistakes. It felt like the old days, she laughing when she made some mistakes and told a few and another things about the classes.
I felt like a dodge a bullet guys but sometimes, even sometimes, I miss having someone like her