searching solace
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2014
- Messages
- 87
- Reaction score
- 30
I apologise for the length of this; it's just been weighing on my mind for a while now..... ** Skip to the 'indications of HPD' part if you don't want to read the back-story.
I’ll start by saying I cared for this girl immensely and still do - our 8 month relationship was stressful, difficult, argumentative, but also fun, sincere and very caring... and i know I cannot get a diagnosis via the internet but i’d like some input anyway.... I’ll try to give a fair account of things. I should state I’m not the most affectionate person and like to move slowly, expressing myself in an introverted manner. She loved me immensely, or so it seemed.
She never dropped me in the usual sense. She only cut me out of her life after 5 months of trying to get me back, and after having met a new guy....
In the end, I broke up with her, mainly because I needed time to myself; the previous months being very difficult. She moved back to her home country - she wanted me to go with her (as did her parents - mainly to supervise her) but it didn’t feel ‘right’. They wanted me to marry her so I could get the citizenship (US)..... We tried to stay friends over the following 5 months but it was too difficult for her as she loved me and it was hurting her. I also pushed her away. But I wanted to keep her in her my life as I didn’t want to hurt her by abandoning her - maybe that was selfish of me.
She has recently started seeing another, much older guy that apparently her mother introduced to her. She was honest about this. Somehow, this really hurts even though it has been a long time since the breakup and she is doing nothing wrong; I just thought it might all work out for us eventually, as she matured. The guy is twice her age, probably can’t believe his jackpot (she is 10/10) and asked her to marry him after a month (she said yes).
It feels like our relationship has been a learning curve for her and now this new guy will be getting the improved version of her. I’m glad she’s happy but I really miss her now......
She was 18 when I met her. She was homeschooled and very protected growing up, yet rebellious at the same time. I put a lot of her behaviour issues down to the fact she was still young and often immature and controlled by her parents. She pursued me quite relentlessly as soon as we met, even knowing I had a girlfriend at the time. She would try to provoke emotional responses from me whilst initially talking; deleting me on social media to provoke a response. I found myself wanting to help her and be there for her (yes, maybe white knight); she seemed quite unhappy but very intriguing, engaging and extremely beautiful.
I broke up with my girlfriend at the time to be with her. She warned me of her ‘psycho’ mother and ‘distant’ father right from the start, and of what I was getting into - (the mother was probably quite sociopathic; she was VERY mean to her own daughter, intrusive, manipulative through generosity and completely controlling). Anyway, she somehow ended up moving in with me within a few days - she told me she loved me after around 3 weeks. Her parents were very controlling of her all her life, especially her mother, but in fairness had always given her anything she’d ever wanted or needed. she was a world class musician and this doesn’t come cheap. They moved around a lot, she never had a true sense of home.
Possible indications of HPD:
- She lied about being a virgin. This really hurt when I found out it was not the truth. Right away, she also mentioned that she had been sexually abused by a family member when she was very young - I’m am not sure whether this is true or not but she made me feel bad about it when I questioned it.
- Huge mood swings and overreactions. She could go from distraught to ecstatically happy within an hour or so.
- We argued far too much over small things - and she could be very offensive in the arguments. It was often that she was upset that i didn’t give her enough attention, love and appreciation.
- Over lunch one time, her parents told me in front of her that they thought she might have been a bit bipolar, and had put her on anti-depression meds the previous year (without her knowing - don’t ask), but concluded she was just a moody musician/artist who had to be handled differently to normal people. She also believed this and that was why she needed someone to constantly shower her with adoration.
- She dropped out of many things - world class music schools, acting academies - she always seemed to let things get to her.
She was often in contact with male ‘friends’, especially when things between us weren’t going well. She had one friend in particular that she had never met, but was very close with him via online methods. One or two close girl friends.
- She would become absolutely hysterical sometimes for reasons I can’t even remember. She’s get me to chase her down the street on numerous occasions, having to persuade her to come back. She also threatened to move out numerous time, packing all of her things into cases, only to either be persuaded not to, or to come back the next day. Exhausting.
- She adored me and did everything for me. I’m low maintenance so i don’t need a lot of attention / loving gestures. It was sometimes too much, and she claimed i didn’t appreciate the things she did. This may have been true.
- She was a perfectionist, possibly stemming from a musical upbringing.
- On a couple of occasions, she made dramatic public scenes which were embarrassing, such as screaming at me in the street, jumping into public fountains (when drunk) and storming off. This was usually caused by her perceiving me as not appreciating her enough, not loving her enough, and not giving enough emotionally to the relationship. I chalked this down to me maybe not showing her enough affection and her being young and immature.
- One day she was very distant. I was out of town. The previous day, she was looking for some work and i found a job ad for a guy making a short film. I said she should enquire. She met him but there wasn’t a role for her as she was too young I suspected she might have arranged to meet a guy. They smoked weed together. When I was out of town for the day, she was very distant in her communication. I got back and she had left a note saying she was going for an interview at 7.30pm, yet she was still there at 8. I didn’t believe her. I heard her phone go off and I had to check it (shouldn't have but knew I needed to). She had been texting the guy all day, asking him to spend the whole day with her. She said she was lonely at home and I wasn’t giving her enough attention (I was working full time while she was at home), and that it was partly my fault for putting her in touch with him.
- Once, we were watching her favourite film which was very special to her. It was clear I wasn’t enjoying it at all and she got very angry. I got angry in return and she stormed off. Again, maybe my fault, but she seemed to overreact.
- Once I began to research HPD, i must have left a page open on my computer; she saw it and was obviously hurt, yet intrigued. She began going through the ‘characteristics’ and pretty much checked them all off herself. Got angry.
- Took around a $1000 of my cash as she was getting her hair done in an up-market place and wanted the salon to see she had money and have ‘face’ - cultural thing. She said it fell out of her purse on the way home. We searched but we couldn't find it. She swore this was true and I forgave her stupidity, but her own mother didn’t believe her story.
My parents really liked her and didn’t see much wrong with her. She stayed with us for a while.
I initially broke up with her because she lied to me and her Mum was making things so difficult and stressful - I couldn't see it improving if I moved country with her (them). She used to take harmful weight loss pills which exacerbated her mood swings. She promised me she’d not take them again. One day, her mood was strange and her mum warned me to check for the pills in the apartment. She swore to me that she had not been taking the pills but I didn’t believe her. I told her I’d break up with her if she was lying and that she could salvage the relationship by telling the truth straight away. She continued the lie. Later that night I found them hidden in a perfume box. Even found out, she continued the lie, claiming her Mum had planted them there to cause problems between us - this was not true at all. She mentioned jumping off a building. It was all too much and I broke down.
I still care for her immensely, miss her and it hurts to know she is now with another guy (already engaged and possibly moved in), even if it is after 5 months of breaking up. I just hoped she would mature and become more stable over time and I wonder if I made the right decision to hurt her and break up with her.
I think she just likes his adoration and AFC (desperate?) puppy dog attitude he provides. I think she might hurt him in the long run. But maybe I'm wrong, and they’ll be good together. Maybe she needs someone like him, rather than someone like me, who didn’t put up with her shlt (for too long) and constantly put her on a pedestal. She still writes about me......
I would be very glad to hear any thoughts..
Thanks.
I’ll start by saying I cared for this girl immensely and still do - our 8 month relationship was stressful, difficult, argumentative, but also fun, sincere and very caring... and i know I cannot get a diagnosis via the internet but i’d like some input anyway.... I’ll try to give a fair account of things. I should state I’m not the most affectionate person and like to move slowly, expressing myself in an introverted manner. She loved me immensely, or so it seemed.
She never dropped me in the usual sense. She only cut me out of her life after 5 months of trying to get me back, and after having met a new guy....
In the end, I broke up with her, mainly because I needed time to myself; the previous months being very difficult. She moved back to her home country - she wanted me to go with her (as did her parents - mainly to supervise her) but it didn’t feel ‘right’. They wanted me to marry her so I could get the citizenship (US)..... We tried to stay friends over the following 5 months but it was too difficult for her as she loved me and it was hurting her. I also pushed her away. But I wanted to keep her in her my life as I didn’t want to hurt her by abandoning her - maybe that was selfish of me.
She has recently started seeing another, much older guy that apparently her mother introduced to her. She was honest about this. Somehow, this really hurts even though it has been a long time since the breakup and she is doing nothing wrong; I just thought it might all work out for us eventually, as she matured. The guy is twice her age, probably can’t believe his jackpot (she is 10/10) and asked her to marry him after a month (she said yes).
It feels like our relationship has been a learning curve for her and now this new guy will be getting the improved version of her. I’m glad she’s happy but I really miss her now......
She was 18 when I met her. She was homeschooled and very protected growing up, yet rebellious at the same time. I put a lot of her behaviour issues down to the fact she was still young and often immature and controlled by her parents. She pursued me quite relentlessly as soon as we met, even knowing I had a girlfriend at the time. She would try to provoke emotional responses from me whilst initially talking; deleting me on social media to provoke a response. I found myself wanting to help her and be there for her (yes, maybe white knight); she seemed quite unhappy but very intriguing, engaging and extremely beautiful.
I broke up with my girlfriend at the time to be with her. She warned me of her ‘psycho’ mother and ‘distant’ father right from the start, and of what I was getting into - (the mother was probably quite sociopathic; she was VERY mean to her own daughter, intrusive, manipulative through generosity and completely controlling). Anyway, she somehow ended up moving in with me within a few days - she told me she loved me after around 3 weeks. Her parents were very controlling of her all her life, especially her mother, but in fairness had always given her anything she’d ever wanted or needed. she was a world class musician and this doesn’t come cheap. They moved around a lot, she never had a true sense of home.
Possible indications of HPD:
- She lied about being a virgin. This really hurt when I found out it was not the truth. Right away, she also mentioned that she had been sexually abused by a family member when she was very young - I’m am not sure whether this is true or not but she made me feel bad about it when I questioned it.
- Huge mood swings and overreactions. She could go from distraught to ecstatically happy within an hour or so.
- We argued far too much over small things - and she could be very offensive in the arguments. It was often that she was upset that i didn’t give her enough attention, love and appreciation.
- Over lunch one time, her parents told me in front of her that they thought she might have been a bit bipolar, and had put her on anti-depression meds the previous year (without her knowing - don’t ask), but concluded she was just a moody musician/artist who had to be handled differently to normal people. She also believed this and that was why she needed someone to constantly shower her with adoration.
- She dropped out of many things - world class music schools, acting academies - she always seemed to let things get to her.
She was often in contact with male ‘friends’, especially when things between us weren’t going well. She had one friend in particular that she had never met, but was very close with him via online methods. One or two close girl friends.
- She would become absolutely hysterical sometimes for reasons I can’t even remember. She’s get me to chase her down the street on numerous occasions, having to persuade her to come back. She also threatened to move out numerous time, packing all of her things into cases, only to either be persuaded not to, or to come back the next day. Exhausting.
- She adored me and did everything for me. I’m low maintenance so i don’t need a lot of attention / loving gestures. It was sometimes too much, and she claimed i didn’t appreciate the things she did. This may have been true.
- She was a perfectionist, possibly stemming from a musical upbringing.
- On a couple of occasions, she made dramatic public scenes which were embarrassing, such as screaming at me in the street, jumping into public fountains (when drunk) and storming off. This was usually caused by her perceiving me as not appreciating her enough, not loving her enough, and not giving enough emotionally to the relationship. I chalked this down to me maybe not showing her enough affection and her being young and immature.
- One day she was very distant. I was out of town. The previous day, she was looking for some work and i found a job ad for a guy making a short film. I said she should enquire. She met him but there wasn’t a role for her as she was too young I suspected she might have arranged to meet a guy. They smoked weed together. When I was out of town for the day, she was very distant in her communication. I got back and she had left a note saying she was going for an interview at 7.30pm, yet she was still there at 8. I didn’t believe her. I heard her phone go off and I had to check it (shouldn't have but knew I needed to). She had been texting the guy all day, asking him to spend the whole day with her. She said she was lonely at home and I wasn’t giving her enough attention (I was working full time while she was at home), and that it was partly my fault for putting her in touch with him.
- Once, we were watching her favourite film which was very special to her. It was clear I wasn’t enjoying it at all and she got very angry. I got angry in return and she stormed off. Again, maybe my fault, but she seemed to overreact.
- Once I began to research HPD, i must have left a page open on my computer; she saw it and was obviously hurt, yet intrigued. She began going through the ‘characteristics’ and pretty much checked them all off herself. Got angry.
- Took around a $1000 of my cash as she was getting her hair done in an up-market place and wanted the salon to see she had money and have ‘face’ - cultural thing. She said it fell out of her purse on the way home. We searched but we couldn't find it. She swore this was true and I forgave her stupidity, but her own mother didn’t believe her story.
My parents really liked her and didn’t see much wrong with her. She stayed with us for a while.
I initially broke up with her because she lied to me and her Mum was making things so difficult and stressful - I couldn't see it improving if I moved country with her (them). She used to take harmful weight loss pills which exacerbated her mood swings. She promised me she’d not take them again. One day, her mood was strange and her mum warned me to check for the pills in the apartment. She swore to me that she had not been taking the pills but I didn’t believe her. I told her I’d break up with her if she was lying and that she could salvage the relationship by telling the truth straight away. She continued the lie. Later that night I found them hidden in a perfume box. Even found out, she continued the lie, claiming her Mum had planted them there to cause problems between us - this was not true at all. She mentioned jumping off a building. It was all too much and I broke down.
I still care for her immensely, miss her and it hurts to know she is now with another guy (already engaged and possibly moved in), even if it is after 5 months of breaking up. I just hoped she would mature and become more stable over time and I wonder if I made the right decision to hurt her and break up with her.
I think she just likes his adoration and AFC (desperate?) puppy dog attitude he provides. I think she might hurt him in the long run. But maybe I'm wrong, and they’ll be good together. Maybe she needs someone like him, rather than someone like me, who didn’t put up with her shlt (for too long) and constantly put her on a pedestal. She still writes about me......
I would be very glad to hear any thoughts..
Thanks.
