Possible HPD/BPD ex girlfriend? - Not your usual story.

[searching solace]

This is one of best SoSuave threads to help me to get over my bpd-oneitis, so painful I wouldn't wish that on a snake, as many on this board know well what it feels like to go thru hell. Thanks so much to all the contributors an the OP. All the best to you!

I'm glad that it helped you in some way. I'm still not totally recovered but I feel my life is now moving in a better direction.

I'm still not convinced that she was definitely Cluster B or anything like that - she seems so much more stable and happier now and there have been zero attempts at contacting me, but I think my life we be at least less drama filled and easier than if I were to have stayed with her. Who knows.....

But yes, the posts on this thread were extremely helpful in adjusting my mind set and helping me through it all, I'm very grateful to everyone here. Best of luck to you too.

 

[bigneil]

"Possible HPD/BPD ex girlfriend"?

Is that at Quintuple negative?

 

[searching solace]

After 6 months of complete No Contact, and after being completely sure that I would never hear from this person again, she contacted me in the form of a few short text messages a few days ago. A few nice texts saying that she knows we are not a couple, but she wants me to be happy and that she never wants me to remember her badly and that she does care and always has.

I didn't reply and the next day I get a message asking if I'd received her messages. I decided to reply; a nice text, wishing her the same - no questions and everything past tense, giving little hint as to just how tough this has all been for me, and nothing to make her feel bad in any way. I know most of you will think I'm stupid for replying at all, but it was an opportunity for me to give myself closure on this horrible chapter, showing her that I had no bitterness or resentment towards her. She's also on the other side of the world. She replied, saying that she's still there if I ever need anything, leaving a door open; one that she slammed in my face and locked 6 months ago. It was tempting to reply again but I didn't and I will not. I have blocked her number.

I did feel pretty bad after. She obviously just felt guilty or bad - after 7 months - for some reason, and wanted to make herself feel better by sending me nice messages, even leaving a door open for me. I know it wasn't about me or for me, she was doing it for herself - I was aware of this. I also assume she just 'broke up' with someone else or wanted to 'make amends' and clear the air before starting something new with somebody else. I absolutely realise this, and I did provide her with what she needed by replying with a nice message, validating her pleas. I know she didn't deserve it.

It did drag me back a little bit, rehashing some old memories and feelings, but it proved to me that she is selfish and that even though she's been fine since the breakup, quite happy seeing other people, having told me to leave her alone and not contact her, that she still felt the need to push herself even more forward by contacting me with well intentioned but sterile well-wishes, with little consideration for how it'd make me feel.

I will now continue with my recovery and progress.

I felt I should update the people who have helped me here.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

After 6 months of complete No Contact, and after being completely sure that I would never hear from this person again, she contacted me in the form of a few short text messages a few days ago. A few nice texts saying that she knows we are not a couple, but she wants me to be happy and that she never wants me to remember her badly and that she does care and always has.

I didn't reply and the next day I get a message asking if I'd received her messages. I decided to reply; a nice text, wishing her the same - no questions and everything past tense, giving little hint as to just how tough this has all been for me, and nothing to make her feel bad in any way. I know most of you will think I'm stupid for replying at all, but it was an opportunity for me to give myself closure on this horrible chapter, showing her that I had no bitterness or resentment towards her. She's also on the other side of the world. She replied, saying that she's still there if I ever need anything, leaving a door open; one that she slammed in my face and locked 6 months ago. It was very tempting to reply again but I didn't and I will not. I said what I needed to say.

I did feel pretty bad after. She obviously just felt guilty or bad - after 7 months - for some reason, and wanted to make herself feel better by sending me nice messages, even leaving a door open for me. I know it wasn't about me or for me, she was doing it for herself - I was aware of this. I also assume she just 'broke up' with someone else or wanted to 'make amends' and clear the air before starting something new with somebody else. I absolutely realise this, and I did provide her with what she needed by replying with a nice message, validating her pleas. I know she didn't deserve it.

It did drag me back a little bit, rehashing some old memories and feelings, but it proved to me that she is selfish and that even though she's been fine since the breakup, quite happy seeing other people, having told me to leave her alone and not contact her, that she still felt the need to push herself even more forward by contacting me with well intentioned but sterile well-wishes, with little consideration for how it'd make me feel.

I will now continue with my recovery and progress.

I felt I should update the people who have helped me here.

Unbelieveable.

Welcome back to square one, 2.5 years after your original post.

# Hopeless

 

[searching solace]

Unbelieveable.

Welcome back to square one, 2.5 years after your original post.

# Hopeless

No, not at all. In fact I feel much better now and I'd been feeling OK for a while. I know most people will think it was foolish to have replied, but it helped give me closure.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

No, not at all. In fact I feel much better now and I'd been feeling OK for a while. I know most people will think it was foolish to have replied, but it helped give me closure.

Whatever dude. There is no such thing as closure with an ex-gf.

When she really wants to reel you back in, she will with ease. And you'll be back here refreshing this thread in 2019.

 

[Julian]

@searchingsolace

I have faith in you. 6 months is a long time to be NC and the only time you broke it was to form a finality to the end of your relationship.

I did the same thing a few weeks ago, having been broken up from my exbpd for a month I decided to meet with her for "closure". Granted it was another round of hoovering/crying/fighting on her part. It did give us a chance to talk and apologize and forgive for all of our sins against eachother.

After that I was done. She obviously will always try hoovering but I disagree with bluealpha1, you CAN get closure with an exgf. I have so far with my last 2 ex girlfriends.

OP, just dont be here refreshing this thread in 2019 haha. She will still try and hoover you back. get new bishes and dont give a fuk about her anymore. peace

 

[xstang77]

This is one of the best threads I've come across pertaining a bpd ex and helping me understand our trauma bond that I had a gut feeling about even in the early stages of our r/s I'm one month no contact and if I still feel like this or the way op does 2.5 years from now,I hope I get hit by a bus lol.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

@searchingsolace

I have faith in you. 6 months is a long time to be NC and the only time you broke it was to form a finality to the end of your relationship.

I did the same thing a few weeks ago, having been broken up from my exbpd for a month I decided to meet with her for "closure". Granted it was another round of hoovering/crying/fighting on her part. It did give us a chance to talk and apologize and forgive for all of our sins against eachother.

After that I was done. She obviously will always try hoovering but I disagree with bluealpha1, you CAN get closure with an exgf. I have so far with my last 2 ex girlfriends.

OP, just dont be here refreshing this thread in 2019 haha. She will still try and hoover you back. get new bishes and dont give a fuk about her anymore. peace

You shouldn't be excusing his behavior. He's refreshing a thread 2.5 years later going over the same cycle of emotions.

I've been this guy. I went on for 4.5 years like this, and like you're doing for this guy all my friends excused my pathetic behavior. I wish one of them would have grabbed me by the ear about the one year mark and beaten my ass.

 

[BeTheChange]

I didn't reply and the next day I get a message asking if I'd received her messages. I decided to reply; a nice text, wishing her the same - no questions and everything past tense, giving little hint as to just how tough this has all been for me, and nothing to make her feel bad in any way.

What is wrong with you? Why would you ever let a woman know she had that power over you?

I am also going through my own potentially BDP recovery. My situation is somewhat greyer and less one sided than yours due to my own issues and behaviour (began with verbal abuse escalating to physical blows on my part by the end - I was that assh*le wife beater you hear about, who is "going to change" and "still loves her") and the fact she (probably) was a virgin, which naturally escalates the crazy to 110.

Maybe it's my will to power, but I don't understand why you are handling this so badly. Move on. Work on yourself and heal - if you are anywhere near as fvcked up as me (sounds like you're NPD - I don't know if I'm NPD myself but quite high on the narcissistic scale) that should be your focus for at least a year

 

[BlueAlpha1]

What is wrong with you? Why would you ever let a woman know she had that power over you?

I am also going through my own potentially BDP recovery. My situation is somewhat greyer and less one sided than yours due to my own issues and behaviour (began with verbal abuse escalating to physical blows on my part by the end - I was that assh*le wife beater you hear about, who is "going to change" and "still loves her") and the fact she (probably) was a virgin, which naturally escalates the crazy to 110.

Maybe it's my will to power, but I don't understand why you are handling this so badly. Move on. Work on yourself and heal - if you are anywhere near as fvcked up as me (sounds like you're NPD - I don't know if I'm NPD myself but quite high on the narcissistic scale) that should be your focus for at least a year

Dude, I've been on the forum for 3 years now and never seen a BPD story carry on this long in terms of posting about it with so little progress. We're the first to talk about how mentally deranged these girls are, but in a case like this are not we not to wonder if searchingsolace is as co-dependent as the crazy girl in question?

This is not an ad hominem, I was that guy too. I was nothing but a punk beta and I had nobody except my little brother to try to help pull me out. I eventually came to some level of clarity all on my own. Do I hope she'll give hand one day and text me to try to establish closure? Sure, that will give me satisfaction. Will I answer that text? Hell ****ing no

 

[searching solace]

Dude, I've been on the forum for 3 years now and never seen a BPD story carry on this long in terms of posting about it with so little progress. We're the first to talk about how mentally deranged these girls are, but in a case like this are not we not to wonder if searchingsolace is as co-dependent as the crazy girl in question?

This is not an ad hominem, I was that guy too. I was nothing but a punk beta and I had nobody except my little brother to try to help pull me out. I eventually came to some level of clarity all on my own. Do I hope she'll give hand one day and text me to try to establish closure? Sure, that will give me satisfaction. Will I answer that text? Hell ****ing no

What do you not understand about the fact that I've said I feel much better and I have made a lot of progress? Yes, the thread is 2.5 years old but the relationship was still alive during this time, against my better judgement. I'd be VERY impressed and surprised if you did receive that text and weren't tempted to reply. It was my choice to reply; it probably did give her satisfaction and help her move further forward, but I feel I did the right thing.

I knew I was going to get flak for having replied. But I think it would have been more pathetic not too, all it would have shown is that I was so badly affected by her that I couldn't bare to reply; instead I showed her that I wasn't bitter and resentful. She replied by leaving a metaphorical door open to me. There was zero drama to this final interaction. I didn't reply to that as I'm not interested in having her in my life anymore. She made her choice.

What is wrong with you? Why would you ever let a woman know she had that power over you?

I couldn't give a **** about who has the 'power', mate. I'm not that proud. She can think she has all power in the world over me and I hope she feels better for it. I really don't care anymore because she doesn't play a part in my life and that was as much her choice as it was mine. Some of you guys are too obsessed with who has the power in your relationships like it's the only thing that makes you feel in control of things.

 

[searching solace]

What is wrong with you? Why would you ever let a woman know she had that power over you?

I am also going through my own potentially BDP recovery. My situation is somewhat greyer and less one sided than yours due to my own issues and behaviour (began with verbal abuse escalating to physical blows on my part by the end - I was that assh*le wife beater you hear about, who is "going to change" and "still loves her") and the fact she (probably) was a virgin, which naturally escalates the crazy to 110.

Maybe it's my will to power, but I don't understand why you are handling this so badly. Move on. Work on yourself and heal - if you are anywhere near as fvcked up as me (sounds like you're NPD - I don't know if I'm NPD myself but quite high on the narcissistic scale) that should be your focus for at least a year

I handled this so badly because I had tied my sense of self worth, ego and self esteem to this girl over a number of years. We kept getting caught up in it again, long after it should have been laid to rest. I didn't even notice it was happening. I'm sure trauma bonding also plays a part and a whole host of other stuff. And I'm not NPD. I'm too empathic and feel too much responsibility for others if anything. I'm not like you at all. I don't beat or abuse women. Good luck with your recovery.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

What do you not understand about the fact that I've said I feel much better and I have made a lot of progress? Yes, the thread is 2.5 years old but the relationship was still alive during this time, against my better judgement. I'd be VERY impressed and surprised if you did receive that text and weren't tempted to reply. It was my choice to reply; it probably did give her satisfaction and help her move further forward, but I feel I did the right thing.

I knew I was going to get flak for having replied. But I think it would have been more pathetic not too, all it would have shown is that I was so badly affected by her that I couldn't bare to reply; instead I showed her that I wasn't bitter and resentful. She replied by leaving a metaphorical door open to me. There was zero drama to this final interaction. I didn't reply to that as I'm not interested in having her in my life anymore. She made her choice.

I couldn't give a **** about who has the 'power', mate. I'm not that proud. She can think she has all power in the world over me and I hope she feels better for it. I really don't care anymore because she doesn't play a part in my life and that was as much her choice as it was mine. Some of you guys are too obsessed with who has the power in your relationships like it's the only thing that makes you feel in control of things.

This is a lot of rationalizations and denying the problem.

I'm too empathic and feel too much responsibility for others if anything. I'm not like you at all. I don't beat or abuse women. Good luck with your recovery.

Cool virtue signaling...

 

[BeTheChange]

And I'm not NPD. I'm too empathic and feel too much responsibility for others if anything. I'm not like you at all. I don't beat or abuse women. Good luck with your recovery.

I'd rather be "abusive" than be the abused chump who's still hung up on a BPD and trapped in the savior/martyr mentality after over 2 years. I read your thread and yes you are nothing like me. I actually have a backbone and a sense of my own value. Good luck though.

And one text is nothing...absolutely nothing. So don't believe most of us here would have simply deleted it and moved on. FWIW the last time we broke up my ex blew up my phone with texts, voicemail and calls. When that didn't work she even started sending messages to my work email, which I ignored. The only reason we got back together (a mistake of course) was because she ambushed me at my house and refused to go away, banging on my door and windows as people in the street looked at her like a crazy person. At the time I didn't understand what BPD was so I mistook her behaviour for being "crazy in love". Eyes wide open now bro. Don't let them back in at all.

 

[searching solace]

I'd rather be "abusive" than be the abused chump who's still hung up on a BPD and trapped in the savior/martyr mentality after over 2 years. I read your thread and yes you are nothing like me. I actually have a backbone and a sense of my own value. Good luck though.

And one text is nothing...absolutely nothing. So don't believe most of us here would have simply deleted it and moved on. FWIW the last time we broke up my ex blew up my phone with texts, voicemail and calls. When that didn't work she even started sending messages to my work email, which I ignored. The only reason we got back together (a mistake of course) was because she ambushed me at my house and refused to go away, banging on my door and windows as people in the street looked at her like a crazy person. At the time I didn't understand what BPD was so I mistook her behaviour for being "crazy in love". Eyes wide open now bro. Don't let them back in at all.

A little harsh but fair. My sense of self worth did leave when she did (and for longer than it should have) and I admit that. It's coming back though and it's due to nothing else but working on my flaws and not relying on other people.

I never said that the couple of texts I'd received was anything more than her wanting to ease whatever she may have been feeling at the time or likely going through with another guy. I realise that. I've had a lot of what you describe above before with her in the past - never ambushed though. She's not that person anymore and good for her.

Eyes wide open indeed man.

 

[BeTheChange]

A little harsh but fair. My sense of self worth did leave when she did (and for longer than it should have) and I admit that. It's coming back though and it's due to nothing else but working on my flaws and not relying on other people.

I never said that the couple of texts I'd received was anything more than her wanting to ease whatever she may have been feeling at the time or likely going through with another guy. I realise that. I've had a lot of what you describe above before with her in the past - never ambushed though. She's not that person anymore and good for her.

Eyes wide open indeed man.

Glad you appear to see it. You'll be a much better, stronger man a year from now.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Wanted to bump this as what was written here by poster "salinechow" is absolutely gold and should be read by everyone on this site. Other great info in this thread too. Definitely one to bookmark.