You're a DJ however women are concerned that you may be a player; suggestions?

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What do you do?

You're confident, charismatic, fun-loving, intelligent, solvent and emotionally stable; in a nutshell you're a good catch and women recognize this. However, as the old adage says "If it looks too good to be true, it probably is..."[/i] and women have this running through the back of their minds.

For whatever reason (more than likely past history), women feel that men are naturally "dogs." What makes it worse is that if you have your sh1t together they can't help think that you are a wolf; at least if you are naturally outgoing and gregarious. In a nutshell, these women are definitely interested in you but believe that you're a player and don't trust you (more so they don't trust their ability to be able to be comfortable with your character).

Personally, I don't go out of my way to convince these women about who I am. Actually, I loose attraction for this type of woman quite easily; maybe too easily. Maybe I'm missing something? (*shrug*)

So how about you guys? I'm curious about how you've been handling such situations. I'm not worried in any way nor am I at a point of believing that I need to change my character. I'm just looking for some ideas from other DJs who also deal with this issue.

Sarge on!!!

 

[blinkwatt]

I get this, "Your some kind of player huh?"....I don't know what to say. Best response though, "I'm just searching for the perfect women,I don't mean to hurt anyone."

 

[NorPacWolf]

Don't Get Phased

These are referred to as tests. More often as sh1t tests. There are eight bazillion posts on masf about this topic. Tyler Durden has written on this topic a lot and with a lot of insight.

Women throw up sh1t tests when they feel their buying temperature (arousal/attraction) rise quickly. In order to throw themselves out of state, they will test your composure. If you fail the test, your interaction is over. If you pass, you'll probably face a few more tests until, essentially, the girl gets exhausted and submits to her own attraction.

A search for tyler durden's posts on masf, and on sh1t tests more generally, will yield a lot of insight.

Best,

Wolfie

 

[NorPacWolf]

Elaboration

To elaborate, you *pass* a test if you continue to pump her buying temperature, i.e., do or say things that keep her in an emotionally and therefore sexually aroused state. You fail the test if you break her state by becoming a supplicating lapdog or becoming logical rather than remaining ****y/funny.

Example 1:
girl: are you a player?
guy: what is about players you love? (****y/funny)
guy: no way! (supplicating lapdog)


Francisco, I'm afraid that your frame is a bit too simplistic. Yes, women do respond to positively to confident men. But this is no GUARANTEE that you will seduce every woman, without any resistance. Women WILL test you.
If you are going to walk away at the first sign of resistance, or worse yet, stick around and get upset when she tests you, she will instinctively know that that is not the man for her.

Just as a man screens a woman for beauty, so will women screen men for composure, confidence, and persistence. Be that man.


Wolf

 

[NewMan]

My question is why even worry about this?

I'm not about to change the way I am for anyone - no am I going to go out of my way to convice anyone of who am I.

I'm not giving up my life for a chickie - by natural progression, if the chick is a winner, your going to spend more quality time with her as your relationship develops. In the meantime - if she throws tests or roadblocks up for me, I will just move on.

Remember - this is your reality.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I hear what you're saying about it being a test but I don't think that it's a sh1t test in my cases. The women I interact with have clearly given their "buy" signals already. I tend to naturally 'next' women who give sh1t tests but I don't mind them going through other means, I have no problems what so ever with those.

Blink, doesn't your response imply that you are a player, as if you know you are pulling on their heartstrings? I usually tell them "That's an interesting question, why do you ask?" They usually backtrack and bring up something about their past negative experiences.

Every once in a while I either ask them how would they expect a guy to answer that. A couple of times I asked if they actually thought that I was one. They actually tell me that I'm too smooth and too confident (not ****y). I'm now considering whether it is something to do with American women because I'd never get the question when I'm abroad.

 

[everywomanshero]

SOme things I do:

If I makeout at a bar, I call her when she's home to make sure she got home safely. I know this sounds corny, but it's suprisingly effective. You can even do this with really obnoxious types using a little different presentation. Although, that begs the question of whether it's wise to deal with that element of society in the first place.

Relating something about her to me liking her. I used to get a ton of flakes within the first month. Like we'd hookup once or twice or 4 times, then she'd flake. I started using Mystery's Bait and Hook ideas, not exactly as he does them, but just as a rough model. This seems to have worked. I've only done limited field testing since, because it started sticking and flaking reduced greatly. I don't think it's required to go through entire sequences, just like at some point drop in little things. It doesn't have to be a calculated convo like Mystery uses... it can just be something she says, then you're like showing that you like that about her through vebals and/or non-verbals. This makes them feel good, they won you over, you really like her type crap. I think this can be overdone and super tryhard, coming across like a creepy "nice guy please give me rapport type". I've done it right off the bat though, "Is that an African bracelot. No ****, you've been Africa? Did you have an exotic lover there?" This type of thing works just fine for me all the time, it's fun convo so it works. It's not super hard try for rapport because of how I am presenting it as my tone and all the paralanguage is screaming fun convo, playful teasing, etc. Sorry, mini-rant.

My friend, a total hawtie biochemist, was swooned over by a guy who claimed to be a school administrator. Turns out this guy was a pathological lair. He lied about everything from his background to job to you name it. She is going to be very suspecious of any guy for a while to be sure. The funny thing is how he swooned her. He met her at the dog park, just came up and started talking dogs, and later swooned her with flowers. LOL. She is easily hot enough to be in a major men's magazine and makes bank.

If you work with kids, I hate to say this, but having them stop by your work for some convienant reason could be something. I would venture to guess that seeing you interact with kids would make her tend to think of you as not really the player kind or at least someone who could be changed. Women have given me these types of indications before.. "when I saw he was just so good with kids...". Might be fun to do something really incongrous like bodybuilder, harley-rider, school teacher...not really my thing, let someone else field test that one.

I also think having a network of friends she can come into would be a good way to defeat this. Since most women love to become a part of a really cool social circle, the feeling like they are being brought into something should provide comfort. I know most women seem to tell me they don't introduce just anyone into their circle of friends, since they tend to value friendships a lot and don't want any weirdness messing that up.

Summary: The corny sh1t works pretty good for me, I think it isn't that women dont't like the corny stuff, it's just the way we *used* to do it that made it corny in the first place.

Imagine, some guy comes out into the liviig room in a smoking jacket, turns down the lights, turns on seductive music, and breaks out champaign. We'd all probably laugh. It's too stereotypical and it's a running joke at this point.

Now imagine that a man bothers to keep some wine on hand, and turns on some kind of modernized seductive music..something modern seems infinitely less try-hard/stereotypical to me. I actually use a lot of stuff they've never even heard before, I use to use an Internet feed from Amsterdam that was really good. You just do this in a natural manner, not like it's some big setup. All of this stuff he just has, he doesn't grab it and get seen carrying it up the stairs as she arrives..that's back to putting the poon on a pedastool and being try-hard. Again, I'd argue the cheesy stuff can work quite well it just all depends on when and how it's done.

 

[blinkwatt]

Blink, doesn't your response imply that you are a player, as if you know you are pulling on their heartstrings? I usually tell them "That's an interesting question, why do you ask?" They usually backtrack and bring up something about their past negative experiences.

Yes and no,in a way. I just mess with people and let them think what they want. Truth is I don't lay most of the women I go out with,I next them often,as sex isn't my top priority.

"That's an interesting question,why do you ask?" is a good response,and I would love to hear the answers.

 

[squirrels]

Anyone who's single is a "player".

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

girl: are you a player?
guy: what is about players you love? (****y/funny)

I like this, I can easily vamp on this one. I'd actually give her a quizzical look and answer with "Wow, I'm completely surprised. I would never have thought that you had a thing for players!"

Francisco, I'm afraid that your frame is a bit too simplistic. Yes, women do respond to positively to confident men. But this is no GUARANTEE that you will seduce every woman, without any resistance.

Oh I readily know this. I in NO WAY want to sarge every woman out there. However, I approach often just for the sake of conversation and this comes up every once in a while. Is it because I'm a flirt? More than likely....

Women WILL test you. If you are going to walk away at the first sign of resistance, or worse yet, stick around and get upset when she tests you, she will instinctively know that that is not the man for her.

I may only walk away 1% of the time, when the woman is just acting b1tchy. I never get upset because my goal isn't to close, it's just to approach and start a conversation; whatever happens after that is just extra fluff.

What you need to understand is that I do extremely well on these tests. So well that women are surprised and can't imagine a guy giving good answers and not just walking away in a huff. They're use to dealing with AFCs, the stereotypical "nice guys." Unfortunately through their frame they believe that if a guy isn't a "nice guy" he's a "bad boy" or player. They aren't use to interacting with a DJ.

So let me reiterate; I don't mind the tests, I'm not very concerned about this depiction of myself and I already understand why women do this. What I'd like are some more ideas on how to retort these questions.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

SOme things I do:....

All very good ideas, many of which I already do. But all of these things happen after the initial approach or meeting. I've thought about not being so engaging during the first meeting so as not to allow them to make judgment solely on our conversation but leave it to another time where our interaction "shows" more of my character. The problem with that is that women are drawn in by my engaging manner. Hmmmm, more things to consider....

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Anyone who's single is a "player".

In some instances. I believe there is a delineation because I believe a player will use subterfuge to be successful. Although I don't say it outright, I don't imply that I go out with only one woman at a time. Hmmmm, even another thing to consider...

 

[Sean O]

My default response to that question has always been to shrug and say "Meh... it's not like I go through a new girl every day or something." It seems to convey all the right qualities (modesty, down-to-earth-ness, not being one who uses women, etc.), but at the same time, it leaves a little mysteriousness for her to wrestle with .

 

[penkitten]

girl: *sigh* you're such a player
guy: hey im not no player, but im not no chump either. im whatever the middle of that is. hmmm wtf is that? oh right im normal.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I make no effort to conceal my lack of monogamy, for I have discovered a reputation is a wonderful thing to have. All the women I'm currently involved with know to one degree or another that I'm seeing other women, and, for me, knowing that is extremely self-empowering. I don't have to act or conceal. This, in turn, seems to draw women to me in a ferocious way.

Sure, I've lost out on a few prospects, but when I attract women, they're totally into me, and nothing I say or do is going to change that...provided I pay her enough attention, humor her, and perform well in the bedroom.

This is what I do now and it does work, I just make sure that I don't talk about any of the other women (I just have to be cognizant of keeping their names straight). I suppose that the ones who don't want any competition aren't necessarily the best of the bunch anyway and may not be worth the effort.

 

[aftershock]

Quote from last night, in a bar:

HER: "You're the biggest player I've ever met"
ME: (Raises glass) "Cheers"

Then we started talking about something else.

(And yes, I fvcked her)



I think maybe it's a more of a problem with the HB7s and below who don't consider themselves worthy of such a great man.

 

[Natch]

Yeah , I reckon this one's pretty much textbook.

I agree with all you guys, Don't Hide The Playerism. In fact this also makes it easy to dodge the monogamy bullet too.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... NEWSFLASH ...

I'm not a player (I just date a lot). There is a difference y'know.

 

[Trapper]

HER: "You're a player"
ME: "yea i like to play soccer.. dont you like?


HER: "You're a player"
ME: "hmm i have been told many times, but it never gets old"

 

[KarmaSutra]

How about just fvcking coming clean? If she labels you a player what's the harm? She hurt your delicate fvcking feelings? Who gives a sh!t? Admit it and tell her you know how bad she wants to be on her back with her toes pointed at Jesus Christ.

What's the worst thing that could possibly happen? She leaves . . .