Your GF going out with male friends

[rtrev64]

women and male friends

I have been dumped by two women because of this and I am fine with it now. I am not fine with the fact that I seen it, called it and then they dump me.., Im not cool with that. I should have been the 1st one. So I did not stand up and they lost respect.

However, having said that. dammit, will I be threatened all the time with male friends she has? I should be I guess because alot of you are correct. If they are not married, gay, stupid nerdy then they are a risk to the relationship because they are competitors and they might still be single and if they took the time to spend money on her dinner, drinks then he still wants more of her.

Its a double edge sword for us.. 1st off, we cant be controlling, smoothering, jealous, insecure but at the same time we must allow them freedom to have male friends and take them at thier word they are just friends but you make the determination what type of girl you have. I had a bad expirence and I seen the type of girl she was. 1st she was all into me and me only, that was cool but then she just started floating aound, coming back with numbers and I was afraid to take her on any gatherings because my friends like me are dogs and on the hunt just not with any girl we would be with but she would get very friendly within the group so all this just piled up.. should have manned up and took her home and dumped her.. I did not, I get dumped and called insecure and jealous..My other x gf when were dating was going out with a "friend" I called her on it and she dumped me and guess what? she is with that dude...

Its a double edge sword.. so in closing, its about what type of girl she is and it takes a period of time to find out..

Otherwise you need to do is have backups and just understand as I am.. it just turned out in the long run to be a piece of ass.. You will, I will find the right one in the meantime, just get what you can and have fun..looks like you are headed that way..

 

[Romjuan]

heres a different outlook.
Im not gay nor beta however I do have 3 girlfriends who are some of my best friends that I go to dinner with or drinks. Sometimes with friends, sometimes just them and I. I do not find them attractive in that way, simply they are girls I turn to if I have girl problems to offer another perspective and also we have a great time together. Also, a huge perk, I have hooked up with almost all of their girlfriends. I do a lot for them too which is give a guy perspective to their lives. Cheer them up, just being a genuinie friend. One of them has a boyfriend but we still meet up every other thursday for dinner to hang out. Many people say, "guys and girls can not be friends with each other" but Im living proof that it can be done.

With that said, I have had other friends that were girls in the past that I have hooked up with. With the ones I have hooked up with I was attracted to them and probably was playing the friend angle till I hook up with them. But these 3 I have never thought of that way and we have beenn friends for over 10 years.

 

[Pierce]

Listen to these guys. You need to set her straight or dump her. If she loves you that much then she will make the adjustement. If she doesn't she isn't worth your time. I hope you man up and confront her. Don't be a pushover.

 

[DJ_Traveler]

To Mazeman11,

Based on your post I encourage you to proceed with caution.

You told her that you were not comfortable with her going out and drinking alone with another guy and she got defensive. I do not like her answer, and I feel that she did not respect you by getting defensive instead of acknowledging your concern.

Since you are uncomfortable with her going out, you have two options:
1. You tell her no more going out alone drinking with another guy.
2. Do not bring up the going out with guys again but buy a land air sea system GPS and monitor her moves to see if its congruent with what you know.

Either way, respect is a must.

Good luck my friend.

 

[terran2k]

what kind of horrible advice is that DJ Traveler.

no. 1 will backfire in his face.
no. 2? are you speaking some kind of code? or are you really telling him to put a GPS in her car or whatever?

either way, that's just horrible advice.

 

[backbreaker]

about a year ago, maybe a year and a half ago now, my now finacee was spending a little bit too much time with a guy from her hair salon. i've seen him, while i wasn't threatened per say, i didn't like it all that much. lunch a few times, etc.

this is what i did. no lose situation. a girl; that i know, started wanting to spend "friend time with me", she knew i was taken, but it was clear to me, that she had caught feelings. i started going on lunches with her, letting her go to the gym with me. i never said 2 words bout her guy friend. a few weeks, actually about a month went by and i asked her what happened to the due, she said she "she wasn't cheating but she didn't think it was appropriate for her to b e going out to lunch with guys". the next day i told the girl that we should not be spending time together. she (my gf) had gotten the message, never had a problem sense.

i don't think, l know she wasn't cheating, lbut that doesn't mean i have to like it. and i don't like it. i don't like the idea of my gf o[ut with another guy on non business issues. she did not like hte girl, she knew what the girl was up to but couldn't' say a damn thing, the only thing she could do was drop her friend. she even wnet and got a new hair dresser.

and the beauty is, had she not said anything, maybe you need to reevalu your relationship again

never, ever, ever confront a woman. you will win the battle but usually lose the war. they will start to resent you for controlling them. what's the law of power, law 31, get others to play the cards you deal. I let her come to the conclusion she didn't want other guys around, because she didn't want me to have other girls around therefore she no longer wanted other guys around.

 

[Saradiart]

I have a couple female friends that I have absolutely zero interest in sexually...

...

Having said all that, yes there has been some sexual stuff that went
on in the past with them BUT would not happen if I was in a relationship.

...

ps: most likely they did something in the past but that doesn't necessarily mean anything anymore.

I was ambivalent about this situation when I came upon this thread as I am not very experienced... but your pro-tolerance post has convinced me to NEVER tolerate this sort of thing.

I would add that having a couple of drinks with the opposite gender is the sort of thing that leads to defending a single instance of cheating by claiming that "it just happened".

 

[slaog]

A commited relationship requires both parties to work to PROTECT the relationship from possible harm.

We are all well aware of human weaknesses and frailties, so why risk a great relationship by creating a fertile ground for problems? If a woman values her male friends over you, then she doesn't value you enough, my friend.

It's interesting that even from youth I've never had to lay down the law about that, except in passing to make sure she was on-board with me. Every woman I see gets the "there's only one sheriff" speech, and believe me, guys, you have to lay down the law early. It seems you younger guys are stuck in a culture where it's seen as normal for women to be supposedly commited to a man and yet still insist on seeing other men. It shouldn't be that way and doesn't have to be that way. It's up to YOU to set the rules, not her.

She sees those other guys because they provide her something that she thinks you don't have. So she fulfills her needs (and especially her need for attention) with attention from other men.

Get out of that cultural craziness you guys find yourselves in and lay down the law. For me, it has always been, "No seeing male friends, period". Do you think one single one has been offended by that? Not one.

Women NEED and are even desperate for a man who tells her how it is, who lays down the parameters for the relationship. Right now I'm seeing an absolute knock-out exclusively, and the rules were read to her by me and she LOVED it. And she loves it when I reiterate the rules. As usual with me, this girl has no intention nor desire to see other men, but I've established the frame for the general operation of the relationship. She instinctively knows that I am one in a million because I project ABSOLUTE ASSUMED AUTHORITY and she instinctively knows that almost all men would be afraid to call her on her sh!t. They all hope for a man who will call them on their sh!t, but it has to happen early before they lose respect for you.

You younger guys will become this same way (laying down the law directly) because it is a matter of survival and you will have to. You will find, much to your surprise, that women respond very positively to this (after an initial cry-fest or two), and you will find that they value your strong frame more than anything and they will even tell you that. It is so rare to them and they inately sense that this is of extremely high value.

But I digress because I love to give speeches. It's too late for this one, most likely. But with your next one, be sure to lay down the law (over a short period of time) and let her know what you expect in the relationship. Also let her know what YOU expect from YOURSELF. Not what SHE should expect from you, but what YOU expect from YOURSELF. This is seen and "felt" by her as a statement of intent and is very powerful.

+1

Its not insecure to lay down the law with women. Its empowering and they'll genuinely respect you.

And ask yourself why she feels the need to hang out with them. Obviously shes getting good feelings from hanging out with her male friends. And more importantly ask yourself why her male friends are so keen to hang out with her!

 

[zekko]

they are a risk to the relationship because they are competitors and they might still be single and if they took the time to spend money on her dinner, drinks then he still wants more of her.

These guys are BUYING her dinner and drinks? Hokey smoke! That's pretty friendly all right. No wonder she doesn't want to give these guys up.

You don't say how old you are, and you sound like an LTR type of guy. But I think you should consider trying to spin some plates. Step outside your comfort zone. That way you can sample a larger variety of women, and maybe find somebody who's more suitable for your needs.

Bottom line, the girl has said she would continue to see her male friends even if she was married. To me, that says she has given her answer. You have to ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship.

this is what i did. no lose situation. a girl; that i know, started wanting to spend "friend time with me", she knew i was taken, but it was clear to me, that she had caught feelings. i started going on lunches with her, letting her go to the gym with me. i never said 2 words bout her guy friend.

It helps that this girl was a redhead and that I believe you said you would have hit it had the circumstances been otherwise.

To me, there are two kinds of female friends. Friends that are just not attractive, so you will only be friends with them. And then there are the attractive female friends, which you consider doable. I imagine it is the same with women. I'm sure there's a big ego boost involved with having "attractive" male friends.

never, ever, ever confront a woman. you will win the battle but usually lose the war. they will start to resent you for controlling them.

As I've said, when my girl was seeking a relationship with me, she had a few orbiters. I made it clear that I had no interest in having a girlfriend who hung out with male friends. So she got rid of them in order to become exclusive with me. I made my standards clear before we got started. It sounds like the original poster has let this problem go on too long.

 

[BananaSmile]

Advice on this forum is not always correct but it applied in to my friends case

he just got a gf she intiated so ye idk hes not a dj rly
she flirted with lots of guys who were older and lots of them a lot. She went out with some of them to "hang out".
After 3 years of it he finds out she cheated on him with a guy who's 2 years older
(hes like 21)(thats why im mentioning age but also girls like older guys)
and who knows if she dont this b4


It's not always like that but you should be able to tell from the personality

 

[zekko]

Yes. And this chick is DRINKING with these guy! That makes subconscious attraction physical more often than not.

I can't get over that these guys are BUYING his girl dinner and drinks.
How would she react if he started buying dinner and drinks for other girls?
Because that's the equivalent of what she's doing.
Maybe he could even be too broke to take her out sometime because he's already spent his money on his female "friends" lol.

EDITED TO SAY: Oops, it wasn't the OP who had guys buying his girl dinner, that was rtrev64. I got confused and thought he was the original poster, but he wasn't, Mazeman11 was.

 

[Mazeman11]

So we eventually broke up. She tried very hard come back and said was willing to work on things and compromise.

I couldn't take her back. The fact that she was very defiant before made me realize that a compromise from her end would stem from the fear of losing me, not because she would respect me or how I felt. Does that make sense to you guys?

It's still tough. We had amazing chemistry and got along very well.

 

[BlackwaterPark]

The guys here are exactly right. Only in the "enlightened west" is it acceptable for married or commited women to go on dinner dates with male friends. In other places I've been(turkey, mexico, even india) it's unheard of. The girl's own mother would tell her to to stop being a ***** and act like a married woman should. The key is to not commit to these kinds of broads in the frst place. When she starts pushing for a relationship lay down what you expect of a girlfriend. You don't own her, but if she wants to be with you she's gotta adhere to your standards. And never ever compromise these standards.

 

[st_99]

So we eventually broke up. She tried very hard come back and said was willing to work on things and compromise.

I couldn't take her back. The fact that she was very defiant before made me realize that a compromise from her end would stem from the fear of losing me, not because she would respect me or how I felt. Does that make sense to you guys?

It's still tough. We had amazing chemistry and got along very well.

So she continued to hang out with guys? without you?

 

[handle]

I have plenty of female friends that I hang out with one on one, and I see no problem with her hanging out with guys the same way.

 

[st_99]

I have plenty of female friends that I hang out with one on one, and I see no problem with her hanging out with guys the same way.

Have you boned any of them? Or any other sexual contact??

 

[handle]

Never actually had sex with any of the ones I hang with _regularly_, but other stuff in the past, sure. I haven't done anything with these girls while in a relationship, except sometimes lead them on just for the fun of it.

It's funny, this thread... I've had girlfriends complaining that I'm spending too much one-on-one time with other girls, but never vice-versa. When they mention it I'm like "don't you have friends?"

 

[sinnerman]

So we eventually broke up. She tried very hard come back and said was willing to work on things and compromise.

I couldn't take her back. The fact that she was very defiant before made me realize that a compromise from her end would stem from the fear of losing me, not because she would respect me or how I felt. Does that make sense to you guys?

It's still tough. We had amazing chemistry and got along very well.

you should've started going out with other gals. even contact some of your exes and become "best friends" with them. at the same time cut your attention and time you spend with her. That could have resulted in her complying with your demands. however, whats done is done and you did the right thing.

yes if she did comply then it would be coz of the threat of a breakup not coz she agrees with your standards. I had a gf who complied with my request of not talking with a nerdy loser who used to like her. fact is i wasn't threatened by him but still didn't want him to talk with gal. she complied with me but still continued talking once in a while. ive also gone out with female friends who have boyfriends who donot like them hanging out with other guys. this one gal i went out with is engaged and she blatantly lied to her fiance about who she's hanging out with.

the point is a woman will do what she wants to do. asking/begging/threatening will not change that. the only thing that the men can control is our behavior and response.

 

[Delly2000]

I dont like making blanket statements. But my first impression of this based on my experience is that she is spinning plates.

She knows what she is doing and these guys are back up. You and her break up she gonna run to one of these dudes that will "console" her. I bet you one of them have been intimate with her before.

No need for her to have all these guy friends. Thats what girlfriends are for. Me personally...I dont have any women that I am friends with. I may chat from time to time but I dont have any that I am really buddy buddy with ulness I am trying to get somewhere with them. I have an agenda in mind.

Start being distant with her. When she contacts say everything cool. Leave her alone. She is either gonna come back to you say she sorry etc. Or she going to end up in a relationship with one of her guy "friends". Lol.

I cant really say this for certain in your case man. Its just soemthing thats happen to me before. I dont know how your scenario gonna play out.

Good luck.

 

[DonGorgon]

She has a few male friends that she has known for a few years. She goes out to dinner or drinks one-on-one sometimes with them.

she is a ho and you are not supposed to kno .. your role in her team is the boyfriends - care giver emotional conversation less sex and more drama guy in her life.. she has other men "friends" for other things eg. wild sex behind walmart..

you need to decide if you dont mind being in that role or if you want to change to some other role in her life.. i like to be the 2am F buddy.. thats all..

yes she is cheating on you but if you leave her she will just get with another boyfriend type guy for that purpose..