pete_101 said:
how early should you lay down the law.. like literally how early?
secondly, in what sort of way do you say it? it always comes across as needy and controlling when i do it and insecure.
This is very tough for me to articulate because I have trained myself to do it so instinctively and because every relationship has different chemistry and dynamics.
For starters, get used the the phrase "Assumed Authority". There should be no question in your mind that you are the authority in the relationship. Your authority should be as obvious in your mind as the fact that the sky is blue and the earth circles the sun. Your authority is your birthright and an authentic man seizes it and exercises it without apology.
Once you do that, you are largely immune from her little attempts at power plays. A woman does not think for herself. She feeds off of others in terms of thoughts and emotions. Nothing original eminates from her. So when you show weakness and timidity as far as your authority goes, she will sense that and revile you for it, testing you from now till doomsday because it generates drama. When she sees that you posess Assumed Authority, she is powerless to submit to that, because she can only feed off your energy either way. Her energy is a cauldren of swirling emotions and indecision.
She is water, and you are a containing vessel that gives her form and substance.
I'm trying to think of how exactly I do this. I do it so instinctively that it's hard to formularize it. Usually I will find an opportunity to say "Don't forget who wears the pants around here" in a somewhat joking but actually serious way. She might say, "Oh, really?" and I'll say "And don't you forget it." SHe senses that although I'm being gentle I am dead serious about it.
Then when a conflict arises and she becomes defiant (it's usually a test), I will say semi-angrily "Only one of us wears the pants in this relationship, and that's me". LOL, some of you guys are probably cringing at this directness, but I'm able to pull it off.
Regarding seeing other guys, I usually just bring it up as I'm waxing philosophical about relationships over dinner or wherever. It's always received well.
Later on she invariably will cozy up and say, "I love how you you want to protect me and set the "guidelines" for us". Another hearty LOL here because girls hate, hate, HATE the word, "Rules". They will never say that word, they will always come up with a synonym.
The more I write here the more I think that each man must adjust according to his temperament. I personally get away with being very direct (and they love me for it), but I don't know if that would work in all age groups. FWIW, I don't go out with 50 year olds. My age group is mid-forties down to late thirties because I look very young.
I wrote all this crap and I didn't even answer your question really. I would say that within the first couple of months of the relationship it's good to set the parameters. If you carry Assumed Authority, the details will take care of themselves.
