Writing a book about dating for introverts, based on my own experience.

[Styr]

I thought to try writing a small book about dating for introverts.

If it turns out to be something of quality, then I might try to follow it up and share with more people. If not, well then I have at least gained another experience.

So here it is: The first 2 pages:
Any feedback and criticism is welcome.

Introduction.

I am an introvert, and most likely you are too. You might have felt that this is one of the major factors holding you back from having a successful dating life. I was in the same trap not many years ago, until I realized the difference between being introverted, versus being a shy person lacking in assertiveness. It is the latter that is the major culprit, and that is what this book aims to help you overcome.

Introversion vs extraversion.

The terms introversion and extraversion were popularized by Carl Jung. Jung compares these two psychological types to ancient archetypes, Apollo and Dionysus, with Apollo being the example for introversion and Dionysus for extraversion. Surely, both are famous, yet it is Apollo who became one of the main deities in both Greek and Roman mythology. Many great and achieved people are in fact introverts, and that can also be translated into the world of dating.

Extraversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior. Judging by said definition, most extraverted people should be succeeding in their dating lives, having more dates and sexual encounters than one could read. Yet life itself shows that a lot of extraverted people fail miserably with the opposite sex. Thus I argue, that being introverted or extraverted plays little difference in being successful. What truly matters, is having the courage to act, and more importantly, having the courage and self-esteem to pay attention to others around you. The latter is a quality more associated with introversion, but is of no use with low self-esteem, which is the root of all evil, as far as dating is concerned. In this short book I aim to help you to overcome it, and shine like Apollo did... or in fact does to this day.

Root causes of low self esteem.

While I can not claim to be a qualified psychologist by any means, I can speak from experience. And more often than not, it is the lack of experience that is the cause of uncertainty or indecisiveness. Both of those can, and will kill any chance one has with most girls, especially of the beautiful variety. But how can one become more decisive without any real experience, you might ask. There is no single answer to this question, as the solution is on the grand scale of changing ones lifestyle.

Being in actual contact with other people is the best way to start. Playing computer games all day long, or watching TV – which I strongly suggest to quit altogether, as it hampers with all aspects of being successful, and according to some studies lowers IQ – is not going to lead anywhere. As an introverted person, I know this from my own personal experience – after all it was nice to regain my energy, being alone, playing Morrowind (a great game, don't get me wrong here) all day long, for a whole summer, and after a long school- or workday. The result was however, that I was completely cut off from any social circles. While I was busy playing Morrowind, I did not pay attention I got from the girls from my work. Heck, one of my colleagues, and one of the most beautiful girls I remember, had one of our mutual friends invite me over to her place (which she was sharing with my friend), in another city, and later on asked to stay over at my place for a week, when she was taking a basic survival course required for her to work on a cruise-ferry. She had alternative lodgings available, mind you. I did not pay attention to her flirting, I did not pay attention when she laughed at my (bad) jokes. I did not even pay attention when she showered and put on her favourite perfume, dressed in a quite revealing way. All I could think of was; what do I need to do to get her to like me, when she already did. Yet I was oblivious to that. And so she sailed away on her ship, while I joined the crew of another cruise-ferry with a lot of young and beautiful girls in the catering- and hotel department. I was so fixated with that one girl, that it hampered my interactions with the girls in my crew – and even then, I remember several of them wanting to be in my company, but I was too afraid to turn them off, so I behaved in a fashion that eventually did just that.

Looking back, I have had more than 20 girls – and nice looking girls, that is – being interested in me, while I did nothing whatsoever to escalate the relationships. Some of them even labeled me as a creep, as they could tell that I was indeed interested in sleeping with them, but was not congruent in my behaviour. That is an important detail to take notice of: Girls value congruency as much as they value assertiveness. They might like you in a love from first sight fashion, and they might even like the cute introverted personality behind the façade. But then again, they also like cute cats. Girls do not have sex with cats. And if one does, then you shold steer clear immediately, with flank speed, and never look back.

 

[wifehunter]

Sounds good, I may be able to add some input, if you need.

BTW, video game sharpen your mind, and provide an alternate reality to make progress in. Moderation is key. To much video games could lead to problems as with anything else.

 

[Styr]

Sounds good, I may be able to add some input, if you need.

BTW, video game sharpen your mind, and provide an alternate reality to make progress in. Moderation is key. To much video games could lead to problems as with anything else.

I'd love your input.

And yes, video games in moderation can be good. Albeit it does depend on the genre and quality of the game. That is why I did not label it the same way, as watching TV.

 

[Asmodeus]

I can aid if you desire... I am the opposite of an introvert, the total opposite.
Confidence like almost anything is something that can be worked on and improved. Mostly I find pessimism to be related to low self-esteem and confidence. Typically the fear of rejection is worse than the rejection itself. A pessimistic attitude will have he person assume the worst can happen. This assumption is a hindrance as the fear the reaction of their actions. However, it has been my experience that most of those fears that people like this feel are often overblown by their own psyche. One has to then be either convinced that they will succeed (which is typically my mentality), or more realistically one has to be convinced that the reaction and the failure is not as bad as they presume. I have found that the best technique to improve confidence is to actually approach and talk to people. It is a hard technique for an introvert, but it shows this person that people are for the most part easy to talk. Not to flirt or ask for numbers but simply to say hello and engage in just a bit of small talk first and learn how to break the ice and to understand social dynamics. Before one can even utilize "game" one must be able to actually approach. There are a number of techinques to improve confidence and hype up the person... But that would be a chapter into and of itself.

 

[wifehunter]

I'd love your input.

And yes, video games in moderation can be good. Albeit it does depend on the genre and quality of the game. That is why I did not label it the same way, as watching TV.

The first thing I can say is you'll need lot's of time. Introverts are hard to get to know, and any quick physical so called, escalation could be really awkward.

Corey Wayne would say stay away from girls who are structured, and hold back their feelings... But, he's an extrovert right?

The approach is definitely different, and subtle. But, this is my experience.

 

[Asmodeus]

I think a book like this could be useful... A lot of books on dating/game/ect do not completely deal with introverted people despite trying to market to these people as they seem to be the ones who need the help the most. In fact most of the PUA related stuff (I have read a lot of it) kind of assumes your ability to conquer your fears to actually be able to utilize those tactics (I mean imagine trying to tell an introvert about peacocking and telling him to be the center of attention). So something more focused on dealing with the hitches and barriers that introverts have in dating and relationships would be more uniquely suited for them.

 

[Tictac]

Remember to copyright (c)

 

[wifehunter]

(I mean imagine trying to tell an introvert about peacocking and telling him to be the center of attention)

Introversion is not about social skills... a trained monkey can do that. Introversion is about psychological power/energy, and particularly where it comes from.

For instance... to recharge I need a lot of alone time reading, playing games, thinking, etc. whereas extroverts get their energy from being around people.

I have a "people battery" as i like to call it. When it gets low, I feel the need to go away and read some books etc.

 

[ubercat]

I think there's possibly another category of introvert - us sports heads. My work is highly social and interactive and drains me by the end of the week. If I'm low energy on a particular weekend I recharge by playing sports. Means I still worked on my Fitness and there was as much social chit chat as I can handle. And since I go regularly it slowly built up my social circle. 4 guys I'd always recommend this as one of your minimum default actions. Along the lines of it ain't much but at least you ain't going backwards.

 

[Infern0]

I'll add my bit on the whole introvert thing as I used to be one.

Yeah it comes from low self esteem, in my case I had abusive parents so that was the cause.

It also stops you from getting experience and as you get older that lack of experience makes it worse.

In my case I became a porn addict from age 14, and jerking off to porn 4-5 times a day kills your libido which does not help

How I solved my issues was

1. Accepted the truth of my upbringing and working through it

2. Changing my appearance through lifting and starting to care how I looked

3. Going nofap for 140 days in the end, which for the first time in my life created a real sex drive.

So at this stage I'm mostly cured, but the experience thing was still an issue so I ended up banging Craigslist sluts for a couple of months.

After that I never had any issues

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I use to thinking I was introverted, but I believe I'm actually more Ambivert.

I want to say true introverts are typical hermits or monks, atleast that's what I thought. I'm sure I could be wrong.

There's a ton of threads on here about this subject. Not to spoiler your party but there are books on Amazon about said subject.

 

[Styr]

So I finally finished the book. It is free on Amazon (till June 21st). I'd appreciate if you would tell me what you think of it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GSQL5IA

 

[JohnChops]

So I finally finished the book. It is free on Amazon (till June 21st). I'd appreciate if you would tell me what you think of it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GSQL5IA

ill read it tonight.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Playing computer games all day long, or watching TV – which I strongly suggest to quit altogether, as it hampers with all aspects of being successful, and according to some studies lowers IQ – is not going to lead anywhere. As an introverted person, I know this from my own personal experience – after all it was nice to regain my energy, being alone, playing Morrowind (a great game, don't get me wrong here) all day long, for a whole summer, and after a long school- or workday. The result was however, that I was completely cut off from any social circles. While I was busy playing Morrowind, I did not pay attention I got from the girls from my work. Heck, one of my colleagues, and one of the most beautiful girls I remember, had one of our mutual friends invite me over to her place (which she was sharing with my friend), in another city, and later on asked to stay over at my place for a week, when she was taking a basic survival course required for her to work on a cruise-ferry. She had alternative lodgings available, mind you. I did not pay attention to her flirting, I did not pay attention when she laughed at my (bad) jokes. I did not even pay attention when she showered and put on her favourite perfume, dressed in a quite revealing way. All I could think of was; what do I need to do to get her to like me, when she already did. Yet I was oblivious to that. And so she sailed away on her ship, while I joined the crew of another cruise-ferry with a lot of young and beautiful girls in the catering- and hotel department. I was so fixated with that one girl, that it hampered my interactions with the girls in my crew – and even then, I remember several of them wanting to be in my company, but I was too afraid to turn them off, so I behaved in a fashion that eventually did just that.

I use to pickup women while playing MTG and UNO in a crowded nightclub. I used to sit for hours on the subway with my gf (b4 she was my wife) and play a version of bubble bobble on her phone while we went to work. My brother in law met his wife on a Chinese MMO. Dude there's nothing wrong with video games... christ you could put ANYTHING in that place and it will work.. too much of any alone time is detrimental to your health. Could be dungeons and dragons, anime, sailing, football, bird watching whatever, there will always be an excuse for you to use. The best thing video games did for me: Taught me to be a hero instead of just some random NPC. What do heroes do? They force themselves to go out into the wastelands in seek of adventures while they develop new skills. What are you forcing yourself to do right now? Go out and meet a couple girls? Big whoop!

How about you pick up a map, throw a dart at one of the edges and make it a point to travel there (On foot). You will meet exotic and interesting characters along the way (including women) and you will have something to say and somewhere to go in addition to a GOAL that you must achieve to get to the next level. By the time you get to that level, you'll have an actual reason not to pay attention to what women say or do, you won't care by that point. You'll be completely focused on getting to that next level, and that's what women love, a guy with a place to go. They want to be swept up into your life, not be the focal point of it. They're Party NPCs, they tag along on your big adventure, not the other way around, women are sidekicks.

 

[Styr]

I use to pickup women while playing MTG and UNO in a crowded nightclub. I used to sit for hours on the subway with my gf (b4 she was my wife) and play a version of bubble bobble on her phone while we went to work. My brother in law met his wife on a Chinese MMO. Dude there's nothing wrong with video games... christ you could put ANYTHING in that place and it will work.. too much of any alone time is detrimental to your health. Could be dungeons and dragons, anime, sailing, football, bird watching whatever, there will always be an excuse for you to use. The best thing video games did for me: Taught me to be a hero instead of just some random NPC. What do heroes do? They force themselves to go out into the wastelands in seek of adventures while they develop new skills. What are you forcing yourself to do right now? Go out and meet a couple girls? Big whoop!

How about you pick up a map, throw a dart at one of the edges and make it a point to travel there (On foot). You will meet exotic and interesting characters along the way (including women) and you will have something to say and somewhere to go in addition to a GOAL that you must achieve to get to the next level. By the time you get to that level, you'll have an actual reason not to pay attention to what women say or do, you won't care by that point. You'll be completely focused on getting to that next level, and that's what women love, a guy with a place to go. They want to be swept up into your life, not be the focal point of it. They're Party NPCs, they tag along on your big adventure, not the other way around, women are sidekicks.

You are right, but nowhere did I say that video games are bad per se. There are great games that are good for child development, example. Also the point you argued about learning to be someone with a goal not just a random NPC. My example about Morrowind fits in here, albeit could not think about the example you wrote about.

What I wanted to say is, that TV - even in relatively small quantities is detrimental. By watching TV, people become bystanders consuming whatever is thrown towards them from the TV stations, with no life or goals of their own, no minds and no brains of their own. I see it a lot here where I live. Of course there are exceptions. I am a huge fan of Game of Thrones for example. The difference is however the complexity of characters, the story, in fact everything. I try to get into the heads of all major characters to analyse why they are the way they are. What their goals and agendas are. I am not saying I am too proud of spending an hour or two per day (I combine it with some exercise though) (re)watching the series, but then again there are people who just consume the moving pictures on their screen without doing any thinking in the proccess. We call them zombies here in Estonia. And being a zombie is certainly detrimental for getting quality girls, and/or getting something worthwhile out of it.

 

[marmel75]

Introverts need to learn not to be introverts. I learned this through being in sales jobs and customer service to the point talking to people in general is second nature to me now. Yes you will always have introvert tendencies where you at times will actually prefer being by yourself, but you can learn to be an extrovert around others.

No excuses, just do it....like Nike. Being quiet, shy and afraid will not get you laid.

An entire book doesn't need to be written. I summed up what needs to happen in a paragraph and a few sentences.

 

[Alvafe]

Introverts need to learn not to be introverts. I learned this through being in sales jobs and customer service to the point talking to people in general is second nature to me now. Yes you will always have introvert tendencies where you at times will actually prefer being by yourself, but you can learn to be an extrovert around others.

No excuses, just do it....like Nike. Being quiet, shy and afraid will not get you laid.

An entire book doesn't need to be written. I summed up what needs to happen in a paragraph and a few sentences.

yes you can fake a extrovert without a problem, but the end of the day a introvert will want to stay alone for a time without anyone around.

first problem is saying introvert are insecure, with is false, also saying playing games or watching tv lowers IQ is stupid, what will lower your IQ per see is you not using your damn brain for anything, playing stupid easy to go games will not help you doing anything, playing a game who is challeging your mind with strategy or need a lot of thinking will train your brain more, I would say waht really lower IQ is talking with morons who never want to debate his ideas and any time his ideas is challenged he start to do personal attacks and stop to listen (with is what most white knights and feminists do)

being quiet is diferent from being shy and also not the same as afraid, hell I saw more guys afraid talking loud trying to hide his fear then the other way.

for the book you should not to try to play the shrink, keep it more direct and less on the judmental part of it, you want to keep people reading after some pages, with you are not doing a good job on. understand more then likely a guy will not buy a book about self help, it would per see make him look weak, even less likely he will go with if you tell everything he did was wrong

 

[marmel75]

yes you can fake a extrovert without a problem, but the end of the day a introvert will want to stay alone for a time without anyone around.

first problem is saying introvert are insecure, with is false, also saying playing games or watching tv lowers IQ is stupid, what will lower your IQ per see is you not using your damn brain for anything, playing stupid easy to go games will not help you doing anything, playing a game who is challeging your mind with strategy or need a lot of thinking will train your brain more, I would say waht really lower IQ is talking with morons who never want to debate his ideas and any time his ideas is challenged he start to do personal attacks and stop to listen (with is what most white knights and feminists do)

being quiet is diferent from being shy and also not the same as afraid, hell I saw more guys afraid talking loud trying to hide his fear then the other way.

for the book you should not to try to play the shrink, keep it more direct and less on the judmental part of it, you want to keep people reading after some pages, with you are not doing a good job on. understand more then likely a guy will not buy a book about self help, it would per see make him look weak, even less likely he will go with if you tell everything he did was wrong

Faking and becoming more extroverted are completely two different things. And if you are faking it, you won't be very convincing because you'll more than likely be socially awkward. Basically you are learning more social skills, which many introverts lack.

 

[Styr]

for the book you should not to try to play the shrink, keep it more direct and less on the judmental part of it, you want to keep people reading after some pages, with you are not doing a good job on. understand more then likely a guy will not buy a book about self help, it would per see make him look weak, even less likely he will go with if you tell everything he did was wrong

If someone from the general populace is buying or reading the book, then it is already safe to assume that he needs help in the fields the book is about. My goal, as an author, is then to provide as helpful and as accurate and insightful information as I can. If someone becomes offended by it, then chances are he was not willing to improve himself anyway. His loss, not mine.

As for video games and TV yet again: Yes, there are a lot of games which improve language skills, reaction speeds, analytical thinking, communication (somewhat limited, as it is not live face to face). Ambition could be added to the list, and I am sure there are more good qualities. TV, however, is a very different animal for most people. They just idly watch it, then do not need to think when doing so, and they degenerate as a result. It is really as easy as that. You said that yourself. I am not saying to cut TV series or movies out altogether, but stick to content that is relevant or that allows for thinking along.

 

[LiveFreeX]

League of Legends and MTG are great for networking... at this point they should be called sports simply because they are played so much. I can connect with guys in almost every country at this point as those two games are played by a large group of men there.

I see it a lot here where I live.

I would say 97% of the world sits in front of a boob tube and does absolutely nothing with their life beyond their job, their house and their immediate family. Getting married is such a big deal they have a huge wedding bash where they blow all their money. I think life has always been this way, its not the TV or the hobby, its just people realizing their own nature by watching others 'watch'. Before TV, people would work in the village, read books, maybe they were a bit more social but only a little. The extroverts took the huge risks, going out on the sailing ships and getting around the world despite not having access to information. Trade routes with tall ships used to be huge, at one time the entire world was heavily connected by them, now you hardly hear about the merchant marine at all.

From my time in the 3rd world I still noticed that people would rather be propped up in front of a TV. Just a very small minority were actively taking part in making their lives better by going places. When people get too comfortable with food/shelter even if its in complete crap, they tend not move. That's why you rarely see 1st worlders in the 3rd world but you always see 3rd's in the first. You are just too comfortable and living comes too easy to you. If you are feeling like you aren't part of the world, its probably cause you aren't. Buy a $10 backpack and pick any poorer country, get the shots, save some cash and go. You can still play Morrowind, just do it while sitting in another country to blow off some steam, it is infinitely more rewarding to play those games when you have to hunt down an Xbox, find the underground to buy the English games and have a projector shooting the image on to your wall. All my friends and I played through Skyrim and HALO 4 but we did it by getting together and trying to track down the places that sold the English games under the table... that was an adventure in itself. I knew all the places in the city that sold games and movies and how much... haggling to get them was actually more fun then playing them. Eventually, I just noticed that I was trying to collect all of them and that became the hobby I spent the most time on.

You have to remember even people on TV are not really extroverts either and they are not REALLY adventurers. These are people who are basically in a room, doing everything in front of the camera. When we watch TV, it looks as though we are part of their world when in fact they are doing all their movements and reading from a script, mechanically, facing the camera... this is not the same as putting yourself in front of REAL people. We often equate movie stars with adventurers but nothing could be further from the truth, these are imaginary characters created by other stay-at-homes, dreaming about what the world 'might be like'. You want to meet other extroverts, you gotta go abroad, you'll meet them on airplanes going to far off destinations. Even meeting women abroad is an adventure and a challenge, you've got to re-learn what works and apply what you know. You'll get more out of your interactions with the local girls as you'll put in more effort and have more fun trying to communicate the most basic things, you'll also have more patience and it will create a deeper connection.

That said, I am an extreme extrovert forcing myself to live in the 1st world (built for introverts). Everything in the 1st world is created for better introversion. Of course they have nightclubs and other small arenas where I can be myself once in awhile but for the large part, the west is introvert central. I hate it. My friends and for some reason my wife, are all introverts and I notice that introverts tend to gravitate towards extroverts. I'm the 'that's our LivefreeX' in my social groups. Now having said that, all my introvert friends still managed to get married and start families in the 3rd world without PUA/Game. There is just something about getting out into the 3rd world which activates your survival instincts and you become better at everything you do. If you lean more towards extroversion, its going to make you an extreme version of yourself.
If you are more of an introvert, it will force out your extrovert tendencies and reinforce that you must make friends in order to survive. When abroad and you see someone who is clearly not from the local area, its very easy to strike up a conversation and make a connection be you intro or extro. No amount of learning game and picking up women at home will offer the same rewarding experience that being out in the open world does.

Morrowind is a game for adventures, as is fallout. You've got the skills to survive in the hostile environment, now you just have to put play into practice and see what comes out. If you like that type of Sandbox game, you're gonna love the real world.

What applies?

You go out in search of money/quests.

You see a new person, your first instinct is to run up and talk to them, quiz them on information from your quest, once in awhile someone joins your party.

You learn new skills to conquer hostile environments.

You build and buy houses abroad and create safe areas where you can relax.

You eventually become wrapped up in the quests of others and start crusading on their behalf, trying to track down items and resources that will help them complete their quests and increase their loyalty scores.

Sand box Games are incredibly useful to real world adventuring.

Yes, it goes down just like this. I honestly don't know how he got these North American girls to go along with this but whomever made this video is a genius. This is so accurate to my experience, its uncanny.