Would you guys finish with her over this?

[The Truth]

I may be overreacting so I could do with some clarification on this.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months and have never had any reason to distrust her. She has always told me if exs get in touch and she allows me to read her email. Until now I have chosen not to read them, but after I gave an example on this board last night I decided to look through her mails to see if she'd blown off any other AFCs.

Well one of the emails I read from a month ago was from her to her ex boyfriend. In it she shows off about her exam results and then just asks how he's doing.

In his reply he starts with "hey gorgeous" thanks her for some pictures she sent him (though he does state "I wished they were naked"), asks how her relationship is going and asks if she misses him. She replied to this email but I did not see a follow up so I don't know what she said back to him.

After I read it, I felt sick and angry as hell. I don't believe people in relationships should communicate with their exs period and sending pictures (even tasteful ones) is out of line.

I am on the verge of dumping her. Even though she hasn't cheated (that I know of) or even met with this guy I feel like I can't trust her.

From your perspective how would you react? If I confront her, what should I say and what signs should I look for? Or should I go and pursue other women? Or is this enough to warrant me finishing with her?

But before you answer, I confess that I am a hypocrite because I have been communicating with my ex in a similar way. I have no intention of getting with her but part of me wants her to know I'm doing well and let her know she missed a good opportunity. It's a pride thing I suppose. Do you think my gf could be doing the same?

 

[Kourt]

Let this be a yellow light to you. Don't let her know you have any suspsicions and go on as normal. However now you need to watch her actions. Look for anything shady, dont be paranoid, but pay a little closer attention to her emails or however you it is you keep track of her. This isnt anything to worry too much about, but keep your bases covered.

 

[The Truth]

Let this be a yellow light to you. Don't let her know you have any suspsicions and go on as normal. However now you need to watch her actions. Look for anything shady, dont be paranoid, but pay a little closer attention to her emails or however you it is you keep track of her. This isnt anything to worry too much about, but keep your bases covered.

This is the kind of logical and mature response I needed to read. Even though I am a little angry and a little paranoid, my rational head tells me you are right.

Thanks man!

 

[ADifferentKindofDJ]

The truth always reveals it's self. You could ask but that would suggest you don't trust her, so that's out if you plan on staying with her. Just go on as usual and see what happens. It could be he's trying to get her back. Raise you're value to her, be the man she's always wanted but take any **** either. Basically keep on track with your DJness and don't worry about it.

just my two cents

 

[Kourt]

No, I dont believe the truth always reveals itself. It may reveal iteself to those who work hard enough to find it, but I dont believe in blanket statements like that.
Tread lightly, time and vigilence are your allies, keep a close watch, but be careful that she doesnt notice your extra attention.
It may help to do things such as check her internet history, recent phone calls, and if possible get verification that she is going where she actually goes. The first two are easy indicators and leave no trail of your suspicion. Personally if the girl I was dating was being talked to like that by other guys I'd be upset and if she knew that I knew, I'd say something, if she didn't know then I wouldnt tell her, and watch her to make sure she has high fidelity. Actions speak truths louder than words more often than not.

 

[Ace of Flames]

Wow, such dishonesty! Doesn't that make you feel sick, snooping around and following your girl everywhere? You're like a private eye or something. You're almost as bad as her, if she is cheating. She may very well be, but you can't know for sure. Just remember, if you think and suspect she's cheating, you'll eventually believe she's cheating, even if the evidence proves otherwise. Any little thing that could possibly link her to cheating, you'll jump to conclusions and add to your suspisions. After awhile, you'll find yourself analyzing everything, and be so neurotic about it, your relationship will crumble around you. Then, it won't even matter if she was cheating.

Just watch yourself. A certain level of trust is required to keep a relationship afloat, and you're hovering right above it. Keep your doubts on the backburner, and instead, focus on making yourself better than any other guy she may or may not be talking to/cheating with.

Oh, as for talking to ex's while in a relationship. Nothing wrong with it. Just because two people were once together and then broke up, doesn't mean they have to hate each other or stop talking. You DID have all these great memories together, even if the outcome didn't come together perfectly. Don't throw out those memories over stupid stuff.

 

[The Truth]

I appreciate the responses here guys and they're a lot less cynical than I expected, so I assume I may have been overreacting.

Ace of Flames: you have given me a different perspective there about my own behavior and I appreciate that because i see it as true. My gf does allow me to access her emails so I don't feel I'm violating her privacy really but I am feeling neurotic and a lot of negative and paranoid thoughts have been running through my head since I read the mail. I need to step back and collect myself.

On the positive side I am very sure that she does not meet with other guys. This email indicated that she hadn't even spoken to him for a long time and after re-reading it I think she may just be so excited about her results she wanted to tell everyone. It's the pictures that concern me. Why would she send pictures to her ex if she didn't want a reaction from him? And why would she want a reaction from him?

 

[Kourt]

yeah sorry, I've just gotten out of a year long relationship with a Borderline and thats enough to make anyone paranoid.

Yeah just keep a watchful eye out. Ace is right, relationships do require a certain amount of trust. I've just had gotten used to that trust being violated and leaving me rather cynical.

So yeah, just watch ur back so it doesnt get stabbed.

 

[Ace of Flames]

First off, thanks for the thanks, lol.

It's the pictures that concern me. Why would she send pictures to her ex if she didn't want a reaction from him? And why would she want a reaction from him?

This is an easy one. She just wanted attention. A little validation from the opposite sex is a big ego booster. "Omg babe you're hott in these pictures! I wish we were still together!" *instant confidence builder*

I wouldn't read too much more into it than that. No worries man, I think your girl is faithful.

 

[DarkChaos]

She's just talking to her ex. It's an email. It's not like anything happened; you don't have an email of her saying "damn we should get back together" or something. That's the time to get riled up.

 

[The Truth]

yeah sorry, I've just gotten out of a year long relationship with a Borderline and thats enough to make anyone paranoid.

Yeah just keep a watchful eye out. Ace is right, relationships do require a certain amount of trust. I've just had gotten used to that trust being violated and leaving me rather cynical.

So yeah, just watch ur back so it doesnt get stabbed.

But you still gave me pretty positive advice, so you're outlook hasn't been infected entirely yet like a lot of the bitter cynics here.

I think the reason I leapt to being paranoid is because I had a bitter break up with my last girlfriend too so it has given me one or two trust issues.

 

[The Truth]

This is an easy one. She just wanted attention. A little validation from the opposite sex is a big ego booster. "Omg babe you're hott in these pictures! I wish we were still together!" *instant confidence builder*

I wouldn't read too much more into it than that. No worries man, I think your girl is faithful.

Thanks again, this is one of the things that crossed my mind too and you summed it up nicely with that quote. As I said, I feel a little like that with my ex too sometimes and like the idea of her regretting breaking up with me, even though I'd never get back with her even if I was single.

She's just talking to her ex. It's an email. It's not like anything happened; you don't have an email of her saying "damn we should get back together" or something. That's the time to get riled up.

You sound right too, and I think I just had an attack of paranoia. She's always expresses how deeply in love she is with me and how no other man can compare and this shows in her actions too. I think I got a little complacent in our relationship and this little thing just shocked me and I blew it out of proportion.

Actually she doesn't even express any interest in him or explain why she's not talked to him. It's all about how great her results were. The flirting talk is all from him.

Also, I know when she uses MSN her profile picture is of me and her together so anyone she talks to online knows she is with someone.

I think I've overreacted.

 

[DJHoolahoop]

man honestly this fvcked up my relationships. you know what takes a lot of guts and self-control? being able to believe you're the one dude(the superior/mature man), anyone who isn't you is a clown. these guys aint got anything on you and the second and i mean the SECOND you let them take you off your stance with this kind of crap, is the instant you faulter and become less of a man.

its important to recognize your ability to handle things and handle them WELL. I made the mistake yesterday of letting this crap affect me and now because of it i made things difficult for me. just remember that if a girl cheats, its not even a question whether her @ss hangs around. and remember that a girl is lucky and i mean lucky to have you in her life, so if she wants to be a putz, there's a girl right around the corner to take her place. that simple.

the thing that is the hardest is to be aware of this shyt, guys that say they're not worth the trouble are idiots that just couldn't HANDLE them. if you got your shyt down for the right girl, the kind that will get attention from men, then you aint gotta worry man. the more unbothered you are by things the better, but that does not and i mean DOES NOT mean she can walk over you because of it. firm understandings of things is important and there's no room for playing or BS.

that's why if you can hold your own, you stand above these guys. if you really want to start making things worse for you, start asking yourself this "oh man, i wonder if they were lingerie pictures" or "i wonder if she was doing a pose for him" or any BS like that. There's no proof and yet that's what it sounds like you went for. Instead why didn't you say "man i wonder if she was just showing off how good she looks to rub it into him" or "man i wonder if the idiot was so adament on seeing what she looks like, that she had no problem reminding him of what he lost".

 

[AngelusPUA]

How about you lock your GF in a cage?

Man let your GF talk to her ex's have a bit of self-confidence you are acting like a relationship Nazi. She is speaking with an ex, do you know how many ex’s I speak with and I don’t sleep with? A lot

 

[Phyzzle]

I confess that I am a hypocrite because I have been communicating with my ex in a similar way. I have no intention of getting with her .....

Uh, so isn't it possible, just maybe, just concievably, that OTHER HUMAN BEINGS just might have some of the same feelings you do??

Think about it.

 

[Last Man Standing]

In his reply he starts with "hey gorgeous" thanks her for some pictures she sent him (though he does state "I wished they were naked"),

He says this because he knows that your "girl" is a HOR!!!!!! Hors are not loyal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[The Truth]

Thanks for the replies. I've slept on things and I spoke to my girlfriend earlier as though nothing had happened, but in the conversation I brought up that my ex contacted me and asked her, do you speak to your exs? I mentioned this one particular and she claimed she'd not spoken to him since they broke up.

So based on that dishonesty I have decided I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue seeing her but I am going to loosen up a lot more around women.

Since we've been in a committed relationship I have not met with other women and not flirted. I have women who are interested and my ex is also interested in seeing me again. Now I've decided that I'm going to flirt and hang out with them as if I was single. If something develops I'll weigh up whether I want to pursue it.

Basically, what she can do I can do.

 

[##17]

I may be overreacting so I could do with some clarification on this.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months and have never had any reason to distrust her. She has always told me if exs get in touch and she allows me to read her email. Until now I have chosen not to read them, but after I gave an example on this board last night I decided to look through her mails to see if she'd blown off any other AFCs.

Well one of the emails I read from a month ago was from her to her ex boyfriend. In it she shows off about her exam results and then just asks how he's doing.

In his reply he starts with "hey gorgeous" thanks her for some pictures she sent him (though he does state "I wished they were naked"), asks how her relationship is going and asks if she misses him. She replied to this email but I did not see a follow up so I don't know what she said back to him.

After I read it, I felt sick and angry as hell. I don't believe people in relationships should communicate with their exs period and sending pictures (even tasteful ones) is out of line.

I am on the verge of dumping her. Even though she hasn't cheated (that I know of) or even met with this guy I feel like I can't trust her.

From your perspective how would you react? If I confront her, what should I say and what signs should I look for? Or should I go and pursue other women? Or is this enough to warrant me finishing with her?

But before you answer, I confess that I am a hypocrite because I have been communicating with my ex in a similar way. I have no intention of getting with her but part of me wants her to know I'm doing well and let her know she missed a good opportunity. It's a pride thing I suppose. Do you think my gf could be doing the same?

You opened up Pandora's Box by letting yourself go through her emails. So far she hasn't done anything wrong. It's how she replied to him that is the real question here. But you'll never know how she replied--will she tell the truth if you confront her? So you either have to swallow it, or dump her for doing something no worse than what you're doing.


You sound like a girl too, to be honest. You say you don't believe in staying in touch with exes and yet you're doing the same thing and rationalizing it. WTF? Truth, stop using Chick Logic!


I don't have a problem with my gf staying friends with her exes, and I don't need to know about her friendships with them. I know she loves me and it's her life. I AM sometimes more worried about MYSELF cheating though.


EDIT I: Not hating on you. But don't you see a problem with your thought process too?: `I think my girlfriend is cheating so it's OK for me to seek out all this female attention'. That's what a lot of men hate about women. Females act badly and then they rationalize their bad behavior with a rather bizarre thought process. Which is what you seem to be doing yourself right now. Am I wrong here?

EDIT II: I have to admit to wondering about your girlfriend from your thread the other night about her. The thread about the teacher did indicate that she doesn't seem to push away male attention. Sure, the guy was a classless chode. But didn't all those smiley emoticons before get her somewhat suspiscious?

 

[Krassus]

Stay calm. She lets you read her email, so she obviously doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. Even though this IS kinda wrong, you haven't TOLD her that this is the way you feel, so you really shouldn't dump her over this. Talk to her. Tell her that it hurt to see her talking to her ex, and ask her not do to it. Don't force her, just ask her and she'll listen Problem solved. Don't make this into a huge thing, because that only thing that'll achieve is give her ex power over you (he's already making you feel angry, etc). Be calm, but FIRM.

 

[The Truth]

Well, I have obviously gone through a lot of emotional and irrational thinking lately. One minute I think the best then I think the worst, so my head hasn't been logical at all.

I saw her today and we had it out. We did a lot of arguing, aired our problems and I got my anger out of my system. When we started talking more civily I asked her exactly what was on my mind:

Do you have a problem with our relationship?
Why did you send that message and photos to him?

She explained how this boyfriend had called her a bimbo and how that had offended her for a long time. She claims that she sent a picture of her graduation photo and told him her results basically to rub it in and prove him wrong. When she told me this, I understood. I often wish I could go back and prove my critical exes wrong about me too!

She then told me that she loves me more than anything and pointed out that if she didn't feel this way about me she would not have said or done many of the things she has. She always tells me how much she loves me, writes little notes on my computer, sends me ecards to say she loves me, talks about marriage and is always telling her friends just how much she is in love and how amazing I am. I had to admit these are not the actions of a girl who is keeping her options open.

I feel much better now. I could have resorted to dumping her, cheating on her or playing hot and cold games or being a jerk, but I didn't. I just spoke to her like a civilized human being and got an explanation I am happy with.

Some of you guys have given me good advice here and it has really helped me out. Thanks. I will remember that!

My advice from this experience is to always let the anger and emotion settle, then give your girl a chance to explain herself.