Would you be ok if your gf was friends with her ex-bf?

[GhostWriter]

Hey guys, It's me again.

I've been single for a month or so and I'm back on the dating scene.

It just seems to me like every girl that I've ever been in a relationship or dated has always been friends with her ex-bf. Call it bad luck? I don't know, but I'm starting to think this is the norm.

Now I've tried the whole, "I don't feel comfortable when you're talking / hanging out 1 on 1 / etc..."

Of course that didn't work. This type of communication always leads to me being called jealous/insecure/controlling etc...

One way to deal with this has been cited on this forum, put the shoe on the other foot.

However, I'm starting to wonder... How many of you guys would just drop a girl when you're first dating because she was friends with an ex.

Or...

How many of you would wait until after you're in an exclusive relationship (b/c the girl asked) to bring this up?

I personally think It's bull crap for your girlfriend to be friends with her ex. Sure, I don't mind them catching up once in a while over e-mail, but I am adamantly against it.

I suppose I'm wondering if I should nip these in the bud when you're first dating as opposed to waiting until later, then how to handle the situation?

Thanks guy.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Don't be exclusive with a girl until you let her know your uncomfortable with that and that she actually listens to you.

 

[rocket87]

To answer your question, no. That's not okay for me either. I guess some guys don't care, or say/pretend they don't, but I personally have a problem with it and I'm not a jealous/possessive individual.

Don't be exclusive

BAM

You really have to be direct in this situation. I know how hard it is, I've been there. In my AFC days I had put up with months worth of back and forth communication between one of my LTRs and her ex. And of course the accidental texts they'll send You instead of their ex...... Those are always fun.... FML. I can remember exactly where I was when I got those texts, the imagery is incredibly vivid. Whatever, lesson learned:


Find a good time to bring it up - The fact that you aren't okay with her talking to her ex; explain your dissatisfaction with her actions since you'd like to see the relationship become more serious and mutual and that you see it as a form of respect to cut off communication with previous sexual partners. Mention to her that you have chosen to ignore communications exs and previous partners as a form of mutual respect and expect the same respect in return. Beware, at this point, if she is a manipulative b!tch, which most women are, she is going to try and divert the conversation to “you have been talking to other girls without telling me?!” etc. Obviously you haven’t since you respect her, so just reinforce that you have ignored/blocked them on your phone/email after they tried talking to you or whatever. Then:


1. If she agrees, great. Tell her you appreciate her commitment to the relationship.

2. If she doesn't oblige, tell her it's no problem and just forget you even brought it up, making sure to mention that that until her behavior stops, you will remain in contact with YOUR ex-girlfriends. You gotta keep completely serious when this convo goes down and not say this in a d!ck/****y tone, it has to be serious and genuine. Something along the lines of: "Alright, I don't want to sound controlling or possessive so I understand that you want to keep contacting them, but I won't be considering this exclusive until you have the same level of respect for me that I have for you."

(She'll most likely be like wtf/hell no, so you're going to have to prepare for a minor argument and/or discussion. Keep it simple and factual. "If you're contacting ex-boyfriends, I have a few ex-girlfriends I'd like to remain in contact with and see every once in a while. Do you have a problem with that?" etc.)

 

[KarmaSutra]

As long as you have the testicular fortitude to not bury all of your semen into one cervix, it doesn't matter one iota who she's friends with.

Are you planning weddings with every goddamned broad you meet? No? Good. The most you can ask for this girl is that she be a chick you set time in your (assumed) busy life. Who she's "Liking" on Facebook isn't your concern.

You should have more than one woman on your arm anyway. This keeps their minds racing. They won't have time to think about other dudes if you're living your life appropriately.

 

[Atom Smasher]

AFAIC, friends with the ex is a huge warning sign. She ain't over him.

This will be a huge thorn in your side if you become exclusive. I like to lay the groundwork early and tell her that if we ever got into an exclusive arrangement, seeing the ex (or other men) would absolutely be out of the question. If she balks at that, then it's time for dismissal.

When you have a girlfriend and she is out with a male "friend", she is on a DATE. Make no mistake about it.

 

[comic_relief]

It really depends. If she breaks meetings with you to hang out with him. than it is bad.

As you begin to get closer she SHOULD begin to spend less time with him and more time with you. If she still spends a lot of time with him, it is a warning sign.

If you feel uncomfortable with it, than you should break it off. Stay unemotional for the first couple of months until you know for sure.

- comic_relief

 

[zekko]

If you're not exclusive with her you really don't have much to say about it.
She can do what she wants.

I wouldn't mind if she's friendly with her ex, or even if she kept in casual contact with him. If she's having regular one on one meetings with him, I would consider that a red flag - they may even still be having sex on occasion. In which case I would probably not consider her LTR material.

If she did try to press you to be exclusive with her, you could then tell her you would not be exclusive with a woman who still hung out with her ex. You will then find out if she is suitable LTR material or not. If she doesn't press you to be exclusive, you don't have much leverage. All you can do in the meantime is do the same thing to her that she is doing to you - if she sees other men, you see other women.

 

[IamJosan]

Stop being a jealous *****. Let her be friends with whomever she wants! The other guy is an ex for a reason. Show her your best game and keep her wanting you and no one else. I think by showing jealousy is trying to hard.

 

[bigneil]

I blew up at one girl after 2 months dating because she kept talking about her ex. She wasn't still in touch with him and never even saw him again, but our relationship quickly dissolved after that. Jealousy is not attractive. Whining about their behavior and creating guilt is not attractive. She must be the one asking you to be exclusive. Hang out with YOUR ex and see how she likes it.

 

[PectoralisMajor]

simple this.

If either one of them LIKE each other, then its a problem for YOU. if both of them are totally over each other and agree its water under the bridge, then its *just about* OK

 

[handle]

It's fine. I'm friends with exes, I don't expect her to be held to a different standard.

 

[comic_relief]

Hang out with YOUR ex and see how she likes it.

an even better experiment is to hang out with your ex-gf after going out with a new girl and show her that your moving on. Especially if she sat there and tried to make you jealous the last time that she saw you. Jealousy is an ugly beast than :trouble:

- comic_relief

 

[f283000]

When a woman is a friend with her ex (as in still talking, hanging out) = he broke her heart, deep down inside she still wants him that's why she keeps him around. Women want guys they can't have or that show they don't need her.

If a woman dumps you and she tells you she wants to be friends = she doesn't really want to be your friend or have nothing to do with you.

Think it over for a minute. Women...such complicated creatures

 

[GhostWriter]

Thanks for all the replies.

For one I'm not jealous. This was actually a problem in one of my most recent long term exclusive relationships.

It was my fault for agreeing to be exclusive when she asked. I shouldn't have agreed until I laid down the law. Now I know.

The reasons I ask this is for future reference. I'm also referring only to cases where the girl dumped the guy, and he remains her friend for obvious reasons.

I just don't want to game a girl for 'X' months only to have her ask for exclusivity. Then me saying, "Not if you're friends with your ex..."

If she agrees great, but if she doesn't...

Launch

That seems too cumbersome and quite frankly I know you have zero leverage on this topic unless she's asking to be exclusive (which should always be the case). It just sucks having to invest your time with girls when this situation arises.

I guess that's part of dating? I'd love to find a girl with the same values as I do. Unfortunately, I'm not holding my breath.

Once again thanks for all of your awesome wisdom.

 

[Nutz]

Would you be ok if your gf was friends with her ex-bf?

Generally, no. Sex with the ex "doesn't count" and as such it's too easy for them to cheat with the ex without it registering as cheating in their mind. Seen this happen with friends many times in the past so I know it can be a real issue.

Seeing things from the opposite perspective, I've been out with ex's in the past and tried to bang them just because. I guess it's a male competition sorta thing, trying to seduce her even though we never did have sex when we were dating many years ago. Now we're on friendly terms and go out a few times a year, and one of these days when I'm firing on all cylinders I know we'll hook up since we almost did once when she was in town. Only reason we didn't was because I wussed out and was afraid to pull the trigger.

 

[terran2k]

yeah, it's not okay.
if you have no intentions of being with her, then sure.
But if you're eventually want something more, you better lay the groundwork down early and not try to change things down the line.

 

[Uberguy]

Seriously? Seriously? I'm honestly shocked so many people on these boards are intimidated by a girl's ex.

There are plenty of people that can be friends with their exes without any secret desire to get back together. I'm friends with two of my exes, and I have utterly no desire to get back with them (frankly, I've had more attractive girls since). But we still have mutual interests and mutual friends, so why on Earth are we supposed to be bitter enemies? Are we still in middle school? "Oh, we're not dating anymore, so, uh, we need to never talk again. Bye!"

If any of my exes-turned-friends had a guy tell them to stop talking to me, they'd dump his ass. Not because they're trying to cover-up them having an affair with me, but because their new guy is apparently such a beta male that he's terrified his girl will only be attracted to him if she never talks to any other guys.

If you're Alpha, you know it, and you're not intimidated by other guys. And if you're dating a quality woman, she's going to stay with you, because a smart woman goes for quality.

A woman's ex is only a problem if she's a low-quality girl who's willing to cheat, and if you're willing to enter into an LTR with one of them, you've already made a huge mistake regardless of whether she has an ex.

 

[Uberguy]

Seriously? Seriously? I'm honestly shocked so many people on these boards are intimidated by a girl's ex.

There are plenty of people that can be friends with their exes without any secret desire to get back together. I'm friends with two of my exes, and I have utterly no desire to get back with them (frankly, I've had more attractive girls since). But we still have mutual interests and mutual friends, so why on Earth are we supposed to be bitter enemies? Are we still in middle school? "Oh, we're not dating anymore, so, uh, we need to never talk again. Bye!"

If any of my exes-turned-friends had a guy tell them to stop talking to me, they'd dump his ass. Not because they're trying to cover-up an affair with me, but because their new guy is such a beta male that he's terrified she will only be attracted to him if she never talks to any other men.

If you're Alpha, you know it, and you're not intimidated by other guys. And if you're dating a quality woman, she's going to stay with you, because a smart woman goes for quality.

A woman's ex is only a problem if she's a low-quality girl who's willing to cheat, and if you're willing to enter into an LTR with one of them, you've already made a huge mistake regardless of whether she has an ex.

 

[sodbuster]

Well, I've BEEN the ex-. She would text me and come over for "some" if he did anything that annoyed her. HE thinks we are "just friends", I was even invited to his BD party. Now the poor bastard is engaged to her[and I tapped it 3 months ago while they were living together]

EX HUSBAND[with kids involved] fine... ex BF,not so much.

 

[Nutz]

Seriously? Seriously? I'm honestly shocked so many people on these boards are intimidated by a girl's ex.

It's got nothing to do with being intimidated, but it's good to know what you're projecting.

There are plenty of people that can be friends with their exes without any secret desire to get back together. I'm friends with two of my exes, and I have utterly no desire to get back with them (frankly, I've had more attractive girls since). But we still have mutual interests and mutual friends, so why on Earth are we supposed to be bitter enemies? Are we still in middle school? "Oh, we're not dating anymore, so, uh, we need to never talk again. Bye!"

Confirmation bias. Just because you pulled it off does not in any way make that the norm. My experience across a wide sampling of friends and family is that it's not normal and problems can often result.

A woman's ex is only a problem if she's a low-quality girl who's willing to cheat, and if you're willing to enter into an LTR with one of them, you've already made a huge mistake regardless of whether she has an ex.

Her being friends with the ex is a problem is she's a cheater, yes that much I agree. It's also a problem if he's got desire to have sex with her, even if it's minimal.

What's really going on here is that she's got friends that are men, and women SHOULD NEVER HAVE LOTS OF MALE FRIENDS. Not if you don't want an attention ***** on your hands who uses men for attention and validation and favors.