Would like to have your analyses, if you have the patience to read through

[rookieposter]

A long recount below. Would love it if some of you could offer any insights. I want some well deliberated ones only, not any quicky fixes or tell-alls.


Goes something like this. A pretty girl in my office (probably the prettiest). Have noted her for a long time as a pretty face, but wasn't involved or inclined towards her in any way. (Have had a very serious heartbreak some years back for some very strange reasons, and am yet to get over it.) Have never had any opportunity to get introduced to this pretty girl, and never bothered either.

Suddenly, one day, after returning from an extended foreign trip (work related), I find that she is now in my project, and I'm made to take a seat next to her. Feel a bit embarrassed initially, and just carry on with the other male colleagues in my cubicle (I'm a shy, reserved type of guy -- not that I lack communication skills, but you know what I mean).

On the second day, she just joins a trifling conversation I was having with my other colleague about the place being too hot (AC not working properly) and then introduces herself. Am pleased to get to know her.


Over the next two days we talk a bit and I find that because the seat next to her (where I am) has seen frequent occupancy chances, she has never really interacted with anyone. (She doesn't even talk with the other guys in the cubicle.) We get along well, and I find that we have some things in common -- she loves books, takes keen interest in music, is candid and outspoken, and a captivating conversationalist, witty -- and more importantly -- laughs at my jokes. A very simple, vulnerable nature to boot (though she believes that her friends would call her a feminist) -- quite far from the assuming, proud, aloof kind I initially thought she might be. I start liking her. (I somehow wasn't on my guard which I usually am.)

On the fourth day I have to take leave for a couple of days to go to my native place to attend a family function. When I tell her I'm going to be away, she screams in jest : what, you are leaving me alone, how could you do this to me, just how could you? I laugh and say: come on, there are so many people around. She: so many people? who is there?

She tells me that once in her childhood she had lived in the place I was going to . We talk a bit more on it. She tells me that she likes a kind of sweetmeat from there and tells : get me some of it. The simplicity with which speaks, her childlike behavior, just takes my heart away. I think about her the whole duration I'm away, and on returning I bring her what she asked me to. She is surprised that I actually brought it, and is quite ecstatic.

Over the next few days our aquaintance grows. She talks most of the time, I listen. It's clear that she likes me a lot -- she opens up to me, always wants to talk on one thing or the other, and is generally happy. She asks for my help on professional matters -- though what she and I do are quite different jobs. I start longing to see her the next day, every day I return home. Before I could prevent it, I already get a feeling that I'm falling in love with her. In fact, she isn't quite the ideal profile I'd like to fall in love with -- she's six years younger to me, though I had thought initially that she might be three or so younger. Make no mistake -- not for a moment do I believe that *she* has any romantic interest in me. She is just a generally outgoing personality, has lots of friends, gets lots of calls every day. Moreover, I'm the kind of person who's extremely choosy about friends -- I always judge a person's worth and am hardly one to get infatuated -- have never been. But she passes most of my criteria, and reluctantly I somewhat relax the age factor.

We go to the office cafetaria for lunch on two occasions (always accompanied by other colleagues, never alone). On most days, though, she goes out with some of her female friends to lunch.

Hardly have enough time with her to talk. On most days I'd cut short our conversations in the cubicle after a couple of minutes (she'd go on and on otherwise), citing attention to work first. She'd say: oh, yeah -- and get back to work. But I, on my part, am longing to continue those in another setting.

(Contd in next post...)

 

[rookieposter]

Contd from above.....

One Friday (and this is after three weeks I met her first), with a palpitating heart I ask her while she is leaving office if I could have her company sometime during the weekend, preceding this with an advance apology in case it offends her. She tells me she's not offended but, now comes the shock (hardly unexpected to me btw) : she is already seeing someone, has been for a year. Then, somewhat evasively, she says: give me your number, I'll call you on Sunday and then we'll see. She's perturbed a bit, from what I can read.

I ask her to just walk with me for a while (she's in a hurry to go home and cook), and tell her that it doesn't come to me as a surprise, leave alone an *unwelcome* surprise. I'm quite willing to accept it, but that still doesn't hamper us from meeting once, in just a social way. She bluntly tells me that she'd not like to give me false hopes, and that earlier, while being a bit of a tomboyish kind, she has gone out with other male friends, they have later badmouthed her about not telling them that she's already seeing someone. And she's been angry about it. She asks : I'm getting late for home, why don't you just give me your number? I give her and leave.

But I tell her that I'm disappointed that she had to tell me this the first thing. Why, because I'm already seeing someone? : she asks. No: because you chose to mistrust me from the very beginning. Somewhat placatingly she replies: no, I don't mistrust you. If I had, I'd have never spoken to you. But you see, I talk to you the same way I talk to everyone else, and am as candid as you are. (I don't doubt that, I know that to be a fact -- it just was that I just couldn't prevent myself from falling in love with her. I was quite aware that such a beautiful girl would already be taken, I decided to take a chance just in case...)


Sunday comes. There is no call from her. That night I actually write her an email offering my apologies in case I caused her some trouble, tell her that we could have been good friends (and mean so), but since she doesn't seem to prefer even that, to remain just good colleagues. We meet on Monday and business goes on as usual. I never ask her why she didn't call. But am quite angry that she herself didn't proffer an explanation. Mind you, she herself asked for my number. Even if she were to decide against meeting me after all, I'd have expected a courtesy call from her just to let me know of the fact. But she never explained. I asked if she had at least read my email. She hadn't, she told only the next day that she read my mail and that she'd reply later. That reply never happened, btw.

In my (silent) anger I just cut down on all my conversations with her. She'd still ask me for my help on professional matters when needed, which I offered in all earnestness. But only so much. Next Friday comes, and she is looking extremely frustrated at not having someone to talk to. She looks like she may want to talk with me -- I just ignore her and remain embedded in my work. Her devastation is written large on her face today.

Next week, her boyfriend has returned. He works in our office itself. He was just out on a foreign trip for the last one month. I even had a passing aquaintance with the boyfriend before he had left, but only a minor one. But there used to be frequent calls from him all this while, which I had been picking most of the time, and calling her to attend. I couldn't really relate -- there used to be just too many calls for her all the time.

She has cheered up somewhat, and also starts talking to me of her own account (I never initiated any conversation, and was also prompt to cut it down after the briefest of responses, unless it had something to do professionally.) One day she brings a bar of chocolate, and offers me some. Because I'm still cut up (not because she refused to go out with me, but because she never showed the courtesy to call me or reply to my mail), I just flatly refuse to partake. She's hurt, and tells me that I can't lose weight by not eating chocolate, it's a crime to say no to chocolates. I just smile and say nothing. She offers me some again the next day, which I refuse again, and she takes it without any further insistence. She's trying to chat me up a bit, I notice. I just reply in a coolly civil manner.


One day she gives me her mobile number and tells that if another colleague (a very senior one, boss of both of us) calls for her, then to pass it to him. I ask her : why don't you just give it to him directly? She tells: he already has it but I'm sure he wouldn't know and ask about my whereabouts again. I later ask her when she returns, in a teasing way: now that your boss hasn't called, should I throw away the number or retain it? She says: just chuck it. I laugh to myself. Then I decide to just forgive her, considering her age and a bit of lack of maturity, and decide to be friendly with her again. She just doesn't know what message she should be passing.

We have some instant-messenger chats thereafter, which I started once in a while (being in office there was hardly any other way because she'd not go out anywhere with me), pulling her leg and generally having fun (having nothing to do with our relationship or it's not happening, though). She's very intelligent, I love those chats. But suddenly, in the midst of it she'd just stop responding. She also tries to talk more with other people now, which I perceive to be demonstrating to me that she talks with everyone the same way. I'm not sure, if that was supposed to be a snub for me or what. Most likely not.

However, when it happens the second time the next day -- she stopped replying, and after a long while just wrote that she's going home for lunch -- I left her a stern warning that she'd do well not to take me for granted. She's taken aback and remains silent, somewhat offended too. (I must tell here that in one of our IM chats earlier she had told, jokingly, that feminists find men loud and rude, and though she wouldn't call me loud I was a little rude because I was 'presumptuous'.) After a while, I just decide to pacify her a bit and get her some chocolate myself, and also apologise for having been rude. She's just so much over the moon -- she says chocolates are like flowers, she loves those. Suddenly she finds that the weather has been so awesome today, and that she's so happy from the morning. (There was hardly anything different about the weather that day, though.)

The next day again she stops in the middle of our IM chat. I decide that enough is enough and after some deliberation request our management for moving me to another seat (on a pretext though, and without her knowledge). If I had continued being next to her and having conversations with her I'd continue to lose my temper over such incidents and I know I could get pretty rude and even nasty on such occasions -- so I decide that moving on is the best option for continuing to maintain civility.

When it's granted, I just politely inform her that I'd be moving and somebody else coming to my seat. Watch her response, a curt: cool, I'm used to it. And after a while: so when are you moving, tomorrow? (This is the same girl who had asked, when only two days into our aquaintance, why I was leaving her alone when I just had to go away on a brief visit. I understand fully that she spoke so in a joking manner. But then, now that I'm moving away for good, she doesn't even ask me the reason for it, not even in a superficial way. Things have come a full circle.)

I move away to another seat, and now for the last several days we have never spoken -- of course, the excuse being there wasn't any professional matter to talk about. Her boyfriend asked me once after I moved, jokingly: why did they choose to shift you away, were you troubling some people there? (I had myself initiated the seat change, though.)



Now, after the long monologue, let me ask any of you people who have chosen to continue this far: what is your reading of the whole matter? I am under no misgivings that she was in love with me at any point - though I know for certain that she liked me a lot. And I was never coming on too heavy or silly with her, some later leg-pulling notwithstanding. Why didn't she try to even maintain a friendship with me, once it became clear that I was, on my own, trying to end any relationship that we had had so far?

Is there any possibility that she could have had any attraction for me? (I'm not good looking by any means, but neither so is her boyfriend for that matter, who may actually be one or two years older than me.)

What would this story tell about her, and me?

I prefer objective analyses. I'm not seeking any advice on how to deal with heartbreaks or what to do in my situation. I just want to understand better what happened. I want to have some insight into this woman's mind, if any of you have any clues.

Thanks. (For bearing so far!)

 

[Golden Arms]

Insight into her mind ? She is not interested in you romantically, simple as that - and not available. Things like not calling, not returning emails, etc... girls do things like that all the time, and it's nothing you should be scolding her about or getting mad over. But see, all that doesn't really matter. What you should have done is make your move as soon as you were introduced, and after she rejected you, just move on with your life and not give it another thought - get out there and meet other women. There is no reason to let a women effect your emotional state of mind like that. And you said you were falling in love with her ? There is your biggest mistake - becoming infatuated with someone you barely know. You've built her up in your head - she's all that, beautiful, intellegent.. and after you did it was all over.

When it became obvious that your feelings weren't reciprocated and she flaked by not calling you, you became angry. Listen - she doesn't owe you anything, and while things like returning phone calls/emails are considered common courtesy among many; women, especially young ones have a different set of rules when it comes to these things. She never saw you on a romantic way in the first place, and when you became offended by her flaky behaviour, it drove her further away; although she did try to make amends with you to be nice because she had to work with you.

You are trying very hard to analyze and overanalyze what was going on in her mind. My question is - why ? Why worry about what some girl thinks of you ? Your time could be spent much more wisely by trying to meet other women (hopefully outside your place of work) and get her out of your head for good.
I personally think it's a bad idea to date someone you work with.

Hope this helps

welcome to sosuave

 

[Julian]

maybe you bored her to death because thats what you almost did to me.

 

[Chrispy]

She has someone already. And you're a good soap opera for her. Your mistake was getting too close and being available (via IM and so forth). WHAT FOR? Unlike her smarter guy friends, you stuck it around too long for nothing.

What you should not do is ignore her and make it seem like she meant something to you. Let it go, put her in the friend at work zone, and look for options outside of work.

 

[rookieposter]

Originally posted by Chrispy

What you should not do is ignore her and make it seem like she meant something to you.

I think that's a very good piece of advice.

My thanks to Golden Arms too for his reply.

Let me emphasize once again that it isn't that I feel at a loss that she's already with someone. I always had that in my calculations -- it had more than 95% probability of happening. (Sure it hurts a bit, but that's an independent question.) Moreover, I'm not a possessive kind of person, and quite far from being a fawning puppy.

It'd have always been ok with me even if, hypothetically speaking, she were to be available, accepted me, and later on found that she likes someone better. I am always too ready to make that kind of allowance in personal matters. And I don't derive my sense of self-worth from what someone thinks of me, no matter who, leave alone a silly girl.

In fact, had she accepted going out with me, even in just a social way, I was very likely to tell her that I have absolutely no problems with remaining good friends, so long as she valued it and didn't let her boyfriend dictate any terms of it. And I would have withdrawn my romantic interest if that was to have kept her comfortable.

I have always been a head over heart kind of person : my emotions don't rule me.

But the trouble is not everyone thinks my way, and they assume that I think in the way they think I'd be thinking, and create all sorts of chaos.


I posted this merely as a case study in interpersonal relationships. Just so that we could analyze, dissect and improve our understanding. What slightly bothers me is that people seem to be jumping to conclusions. There is a subliminal assumption that everything can be sort of put in some predefined casts or templates. From my experiences I know that the truth remains stranger than we'd ever imagine. We must always remain humble observers and students.


I'd have found it interesting to know the opinion of some women members of this site. But, apparently, there aren't too many.

 

[ApocalypseCow2]

Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by rookieposter

Now, after the long monologue, let me ask any of you people who have chosen to continue this far: what is your reading of the whole matter?

First, I think you were dishonest with yourself and her. It's obvious you were trying to be her friend so you could launch a sneak-attack and start dating her. You *have* to read the DJ Bible (link at the top of this page).

Second, you showed lots of passive-aggression. Not cool and very immature.

Third, never apoligize to a girl for asking her out. Also, don't be so petty that you get angry when she doesn't call you. Dude, she has a BOYFRIEND. I'll bet that normal day when she said the weather was so great, her boyfriend had given her a screaming orgasm that morning. Chicks in a relationship spend the vast majority of their time thinking about their guy, not some AFC passive-aggressive IM-using Saturday-night-email-sending nice guy from the office.

I'd write more, but most of your mistakes are covered in the DJ bible. Sorry to be harsh, but you need a shock. Make this the first day of the rest of your life.

 

[Wyldfire]

You have no justification in being angry with her. She sounds like a friendly person and she was honest with you about having a boyfriend the second you asked her out. She hasn't led you on or encouraged you romantically. Her gestures are simply her attempt to try to make you feel better because you work together and she wants a friendly working relationship with you. You're upset because she is with someone else and you want her. Rather than accept that she has a boyfriend and just have a friendly work relationship with her, you are punishing her without justification to do so. This is one of the reasons pretty women have what you refer to as a "biotch shield". Time and time again men will punish a pretty woman because he wants her and she either is already with someone else or just not interested for whatever reason.

This woman did nothing wrong...you just are having a hard time accepting that she is not available. Stop punishing her and she will not feel like she needs to cheer you up and make you feel better about it. If you don't knock it off she will keep trying to smooth things over and your infatuation will get worse. Ultimately, if that goes on much longer it will come to a very ugly head that will make it impossible for you to stay working where you are.

 

[ApocalypseCow2]

Originally posted by rookieposter


In fact, had she accepted going out with me, even in just a social way, I was very likely to tell her that I have absolutely no problems with remaining good friends, so long as she valued it and didn't let her boyfriend dictate any terms of it. And I would have withdrawn my romantic interest if that was to have kept her comfortable.

Denial isn't just a river, my friend.

C'mon, if you two went out to eat, and then went back to her place, and she started putting her hand on your knee and cuddling with you, what would you do? Move her hand away and say, "Sorry, I just want to be friends." Gimme a break. Unless you're gay, you want to bang this girl. It's written all over your post.

Do yourself a favor: admit you want this girl. Then, realize she has a boyfriend. Put two and two together, and then move on.

 

[rookieposter]

Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by ApocalypseCow2
Sorry to be harsh, but you need a shock.

Dear ApocalypseCow2 ,

If making me laugh is your idea of giving me a shock, then in humble amusement I accept it.

Originally posted by ApocalypseCow2
C'mon, if you two went out to eat, and then went back to her place, and she started putting her hand on your knee and cuddling with you, what would you do?

It's written all over your post that you are an American. You seem to show the classic symptoms of 'if it doesn't happen in my backyard, it doesn't exist anywhere'. Remember Wilde's comment : "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between."

How do you know what the norms of behavior are in my part of the world?

 

[pancakepalace]

There is an article on this site which talks the problems smart guys have with women. From your posts, its seems to me it would be a good read for you. You seem very intelligent, but are making common smart guy mistakes with girls.

You need to stop analysing so much and go with the flow. You even use the word calculate in your post...

Also, I don't understand why you found the need to apologize to her when asking her out?

 

[Golden Arms]

Re: Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by rookieposter
Dear ApocalypseCow2 ,

If making me laugh is your idea of giving me a shock, then in humble amusement I accept it.




It's written all over your post that you are an American. You seem to show the classic symptoms of 'if it doesn't happen in my backyard, it doesn't exist anywhere'. Remember Wilde's comment : "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between."

How do you know what the norms of behavior are in my part of the world?

What does being an American have to do with anything ? How about you answer the question he asked you: " if you two went out to eat, and then went back to her place, and she started putting her hand on your knee and cuddling with you, what would you do? " and spare us any political or social commentary

 

[rookieposter]

Originally posted by pancakepalace
You even use the word calculate in your post...

Well, the word 'calculate' just came in as kind of a Freudian hangover. I just happen to play a lot of chess, especially online.

But, even without chess, probably it could have sneaked in. I do have an analytical bent of mind, and do remain obsessed with things till I solve those.

I accept the that there is an element of truth in what you say: that I need to stop analyzing and get on with the flow. Like I read in one of the articles: Men are to classical physics, as women are to quantum physics. I understand that. I am hardly looking for perfect determinism -- I grant it that there are things which are known, there are things that are partially known, and there are things that are absolute variables. The crux is that -- could we still try to put some boundaries around it and say: it lies somewhere in this region? Very much like an electron: you can never know where it is, still we know the probabilistic boundaries -- the orbitals.

I believe analysis is always applicable. It's only when we don't throw in enough inputs that the results are incorrect. It's the ingredients that make or mar -- not the process. In fact, when we reach the conclusion that 'analysis won't take you anywhere in this case' that too, intriguingly, is a product of analysis.

Originally posted by pancakepalace

Also, I don't understand why you found the need to apologize to her when asking her out?

Well, I was just being polite. I just wrote that if I happened to cause you some anxiety or displeasure, I apologize for it. And also for the fact that I held her for somewhat longer than she wanted to (she was in a hurry to go home that day), though the whole thing was hardly more than fifteen minutes.

It was just a matter of courtesy, and that is why I insisted on some courtesy being shown to myself too. It might have all been quite misplaced in this case, but I have to think over it. I find it astonishing that though everyone goes through the same process of education -- men and women alike -- there hardly seem to be any established norms of behavior. These codes are all set in stone in professional life, just that we don't accept that they have applicability in personal life too.

Now, it's very incorrect of some of you people to assume that I was uncivil to this girl. I wasn't. I engaged in professional matters with her even at the height of my anger in absolutely the most polite way. I even gave her a CD of ebooks the day I moved away, knowing her fondness for literature and she was pleased about it.

 

[ApocalypseCow2]

Re: Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by rookieposter
Dear ApocalypseCow2 ,

If making me laugh is your idea of giving me a shock, then in humble amusement I accept it.

It's written all over your post that you are an American. You seem to show the classic symptoms of 'if it doesn't happen in my backyard, it doesn't exist anywhere'. Remember Wilde's comment : "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between."

How do you know what the norms of behavior are in my part of the world?

What part of the world are you from? And yes, I am an American, and about 99.9% of the advice on this site assumes your trying to go after a girl in a westernized country (UK, America, Australia, New Zealend, etc...). If the cultures and norms in your country are so different, then why are you on this site?

 

[rookieposter]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by Golden Arms
What does being an American have to do with anything ? How about you answer the question he asked you: " if you two went out to eat, and then went back to her place, and she started putting her hand on your knee and cuddling with you, what would you do? " and spare us any political or social commentary

Being an American doesn't have to do with anything. I apologize for it. It's incorrect, as all sweeping generalizations are. I was just exasperated at the absolute callousness, not to mention unfathomable stupidity, of ApocalypseCow's post.

As to answering the question put forth: what do you think you'd do if you went hunting and found that the deer have climbed up the trees? You may find it difficult to follow this analogy, but that's how it is. Society in our part of the world is quite conservative. She is a very conservative, family oriented person, and so am I. In 9 out of 10 cases of people being from such backgrounds, the question raised above is totally meaningless. It just doesn't have any applicability especially after just a first meeting. (Not to be concluded from the above that I am a prude or a moralizer.)

In fact, I have earlier gone out on dinners with women (again colleagues) when there was absolutely no romantic intent involved. It's perfectly a social engagement. An ex-colleague of mine is coming to town next week after about two years or so, and when she's around we plan to go for dinner. Absolutely nothing romantic involved there. I had gone out with her once or twice earlier too and we share a good rapport. I am aghast that people believe that nothing beyond a sexual relationship exists anywhere. Why, I even go out with my male friends and colleagues for dinners and lunches quite frequently. Does that make me gay?

 

[Golden Arms]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by rookieposter


As to answering the question put forth: what do you think you'd do if you went hunting and found that the deer have climbed up the trees? You may find it difficult to follow this analogy, but that's how it is. Society in our part of the world is quite conservative. She is a very conservative, family oriented person, and so am I. In 9 out of 10 cases of people being from such backgrounds, the question raised above is totally meaningless. It just doesn't have any applicability especially after just a first meeting. (Not to be concluded from the above that I am a prude or a moralizer.)

In fact, I have earlier gone out on dinners with women (again colleagues) when there was absolutely no romantic intent involved. It's perfectly a social engagement. An ex-colleague of mine is coming to town next week after about two years or so, and when she's around we plan to go for dinner. Absolutely nothing romantic involved there. I had gone out with her once or twice earlier too and we share a good rapport. I am aghast that people believe that nothing beyond a sexual relationship exists anywhere. Why, I even go out with my male friends and colleagues for dinners and lunches quite frequently. Does that make me gay?

if a deer climbed up the tree, I'd probably shoot him in the tree... why are you still dodging the question ?

I have no idea where you were going in your last paragraph at all. Of course, everyone knows that two people can go out for dinner without any romantic implicatons. What does that have to with anything ?

The question was, and still is - IF she had tried to seduce you, how would you have acted ? Would you have rejected her advances ?

I realize you are telling me that because she is conservative that's an unlikely scenario - however the question is still valid

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Your problem, my friend, is that you might be very smart and intelligent, yet you are totally clueless when it comes to dealing with women.

Read and pay attention to all of the previous posts, you will learn something from every single one of them.

Your first mistake is apologizing for the things you do and most importantly, apologizing for being a man and loving beautiful,smart, witty, intelligent women.

You are too easily distracted by "Femimine Energy" and that is not an attractive quality. Women can sense when a guy is totally not being his normal self. She could see it coming from miles away. She knew you were gonna ask her out. She had her reflex response ready for the time you would ask her out.

Her trying to be nice and asking you for your number was her way of blowing you off but letting you off the hook and not feeling totally rejected, so you could save face, since she senses that you are not totally comfortable with your natural instinct as a man and desire women.

AFC's want explanations for everything. I wouldn't be surprised if you are hoping for a heart to heart talk with her just so "you can learn what things you need to work on, and what were your mistakes and how can you change them for future situations."

People here are trying to help you by shading light into a situation you are not in the position to see objectively, and what do you do? You take it personally and start insulting the responses to your very long, tedious posts that they took the time to read in order to offer some helpful insight.

Welcome to the board and get ready to learn. You need to change your ways. You need to transform your beliefs, including some of the basic stuff. Your way of handling the whole situation will NEVER WORK with high quality, attractive women, even with the ones who are single. They want a man who is comfortable in his skin, and who will know and be able to handle anything she throws at him.

 

[rookieposter]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by Golden Arms
why are you still dodging the question ?

The question was, and still is - IF she had tried to seduce you, how would you have acted ? Would you have rejected her advances ?

I am not dodging anything. As long as people have genuine queries I always address those. But it doesn't apply to statements that masquerade as questions. And the question posed here was not in expectation of an answer -- it was just saying: look, this is what you were going to do.

To answer to the exact point (I believe yours is a more genuine query): if she were the kind to be acting seductive, I'd have known it long back. And she'd be off my radar much before I were to ask her out. (I think I wrote in my first post itself that I'm quite a judgmental sort; and anything that has to enter my personal space, even a friendship, has to pass rigorous criteria.)

It wasn't her beauty or physical charms that attracted me, it was her essential simplicity. The simplicity that lies under the skin, quite disguised, often even projecting a rough, arrogant exterior. (The beauty only helped, just like a package helps a product -- you wouldn't buy something merely for the packaging though, if you knew that what it wraps is faulty.) People ultimately get drawn to those who are like their own selves. I liked her because I found her to be like myself in many respects. (There were differences too -- she's very vivacious, I have quite a cynical outlook.) If she, or for that matter anyone else, were to try to seduce me, I'd know in an instant that she's different from me, irreconcilably. And it'll be put paid to in an instant.

 

[Golden Arms]

Originally posted by pancakepalace
There is an article on this site which talks the problems smart guys have with women. From your posts, its seems to me it would be a good read for you. You seem very intelligent, but are making common smart guy mistakes with girls.

Bingo !

and here is the article:

http://www.sosuave.com/romance/david/art61.htm

 

[ApocalypseCow2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Contd from above.....

Originally posted by rookieposter


To answer to the exact point (I believe yours is a more genuine query): if she were the kind to be acting seductive, I'd have known it long back. And she'd be off my radar much before I were to ask her out. (I think I wrote in my first post itself that I'm quite a judgmental sort; and anything that has to enter my personal space, even a friendship, has to pass rigorous criteria.)

The point of my question was to pose a thought experiment. You're making it seem like you just want to be this girl's friend and have no sexual interest in her. I call "Shenanigans", because it's obvious you want her. Have you ever obsessed over a guy friend like you're obsessing over this girl? I'm guessing the answer is "no".

I know your plan because I've tried it myself, and so have a helluva lot of other guys on these boards. You want to be her friend, wait until her relationship with her current guy ends, and then be there to catch her on the rebound because you're "such a nice guy."

The problem is, you couldn't quite pull it off. You were *well* on your way to becoming her friend. If you played it cool, you coulda had a nice work buddy. Maybe she would have introduced you to some of her girl friends. But nooo, you had to sabotage the relationship as a way of getting back at her. Since her unavailability hurt you, you're trying to hurt her back by ending the friendship. (Really, all you're doing is making it easier for her to drop you like a bad habit).

And I don't care what country you're from or what you think about the country I'm from, that's what's going on here.

If you want help, people here are more than willing to give you good advice. But you're being very unclear in what it is you want out of this situation.