Women with kids who say "my kid comes first"

[Reyaj]

I'm sure there's tons of threads on here regarding dating women with kids. In my recent POF experiment I noticed this line was prevalent in a lot of these mom's profiles. I've hooked up with some MILFS who said the same thing.

While I objectively understand that a child comes first to a parent, why would a guy want to have a relationship with someone where they won't be first priority in her life?

Just saying every time I read that in turns me off lol

 

[ubercat]

agree I'm at that age where just about every woman who isn't a nut job has a kid. I'd say that any single mum who has had too long alone with the kid is useless for an ltr. I think some of them are trying to make capital of being a great mum and don't realise that is just going to come across as being a burden.

 

[Tictac]

So you don't get what being a single parent is like.

That's your problem and no one else's.

Whether they say it or not, it's true. So best you either stay away from single mom's or get over yourself.

 

[Glumix]

Why do you care about being her first priority ?

 

[grayclif]

When I read "my kids come first" I always smile. If we hook up before long she'll be leaving her kids with her parents, or sister or somebody just so she could spend the weekend getting fvcked. I ignore the statement.

 

[BeExcellent]

What responsible parent wouldn't do this? It is kind of stating the obvious. I don't broadcast it necessarily but I prefer if I'm going to date someone that he has his own kids too. That way there exists the inherent understanding that sometimes the kid stuff takes precedent; either for him or for me. No harm no foul, its just reality for a responsible parent.

If he has kids I am not going to be HIS top priority either. Children don't raise themselves. So for parents in the dating scene the kids should come first or there is something really wrong with the parent. If you care about someone you figure a way to spend time together. But expecting a parent to put a new (and potentially transient) love interest before their children is to suspend reality. This goes for men or women.

 

[ubercat]

I get being a single parent. my ex was Chinese and her son was autistic. fortunately he was high function. when I first met the kid he was going on excursions with other special needs kids, had zero friends, and Little control over his body i e 12 years old couldn't kick a ball, spent his time sitting in front of TV. 2 years later I d taught him martial arts to speed up his movements. I taught him chess basketball and football and he was in teams. we had worked on his English and social skills. He had 2 friends and looked like he d make more. that doesn't make me a good guy it's just what you do. I could do that because his mother was smart and backed me. of course the kid would prefer to sit in front of TV and biched like hell while I was teaching him

The ex before that, I taught her son tennis amongst many other things. He s now in the national tennis academy aiming for a pro career.

so my point is the issue I have is not with them putting the kids first it's with them saying that.

everytime I ve dated a woman who said that major red flags have emerged.

 

[BeExcellent]

My comment is simply to point out that any responsible parent will put his/her minor children first as should be the case whether stated or unstated. If someone feels the need to state this on a dating profile it says more about that particular person in my opinion (and who knows why someone feels the need to state the obvious - there could be 1000 reasons). I never make such a statement because my actions are going to communicate the message (that my kids come first) without me saying a word. I see this with men I have dated who are fathers as well. They put their children as top priority. Its a given.

There do exist people who cannot grasp the constraints that the responsibility for minor children places on a dating dynamic. Further I think it is an unrealistic expectation to assume that a parent is going to introduce a new romantic interest to his/her children. I think this is ill advised unless/until the relationship becomes an exclusive LTR at the very least or has marriage in the future. Otherwise it is not worth hurting the children, who tend to become attached to someone and are hurt when the relationship ends.

Children are not pets. Having boyfriends or girlfriends in and out of the lives of minor children is to my mind recklessly irresponsible. Setting the children up for unnecessary pain (which they will feel themselves as rejection) is damaging and best avoided. Kids don't process emotion like an adult. It is the parent's job to shield the kids from this hurt or potential hurt because it is an unnecessary burden for the kids. I fully realize lots of single parents do not do this. I find THAT immature and irresponsible.

Its actually a big pet peeve of mine, people who involve their children in their personal affairs only to end up hurting the kids when the affair ends. As a single parent you are only one side of the dating equation. You can't control how the other person feels or what the other person does and without a committed construct there is no inherent stability. For this reason I think it best to leave the children out of the equation unless/until REAL stability exists in the construct of the relationship. Children need emotional stability and it is incumbent on the parent to provide it whether or not the parent chooses to date.

To me dating with children means one must be that much more selective and careful and discreet, than if no children were involved. Maybe I'm the exception out there in dating land. It's just THAT important to me...but none of this goes on a dating profile (from my perspective). It is evident in what I do and how I act.

 

[Wilko]

Lol @ the heat you're catching for pointing out how annoying and redundant this cliche is.

For those listening, the issue isn't that you prioritise your children appropriately - of course you should. The issue is that "my kids are my world" is about as useful and interesting as "I love to laugh" - of course you f***ing do. It isn't interesting, it isn't insightful, it isn't entertaining - none of the things that a dating profile should be.

What "my kids are my world" actually means is "I'm a completely normal parent and I have no imagination or self-awareness."

If you absolutely have to say something explicit about your status as a parent, at least put a little creativity into it - don't use the same worn out platitudes everyone else does.

 

[BeExcellent]

The issue from the OP appears more to be a question about priority when choosing to date a single mom.

For those listening, the issue isn't that you prioritise your children appropriately - of course you should. The issue is that "my kids are my world" is about as useful and interesting as "I love to laugh" - of course you f***ing do. It isn't interesting, it isn't insightful, it isn't entertaining - none of the things that a dating profile should be.

Agree 110%

 

[Wilko]

"My kids come first" is like a dude saying "I'm just here to get my d*ck wet". Both statements are honest enough, but you're effectively asking people to acknowledge that they have no value - that's why it's so obnoxious.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Whether they say it or not, it's true. So best you either stay away from single mom's or get over yourself.

A female that DOESN'T see her own kid as her prime responsibility in life is somebody you want to be worried about. Think about it. That kid's life was dependent on her for a good 2-3 years on a daily basis. If she's psycho enough to put THAT in the back seat, she's equally likely to stab you in the eye with an ice pick while you're sleeping because you wouldn't let her watch her favorite TV show.

One might make the case that a woman over thirty WITH KID(s) is MORE SANE than some psycho in her forties WITHOUT kids. Especially if her kids are well behaved and emotionally adjusted.

 

[Fatal Jay]

POF IS full of the same chicks saying the samething this is what they always say on their profile:

If you expect sex don't contact me or my child comes first, ***** if your child come first then why are you on a dating site, and if you don't want sex then why are you taking half naked selfies

 

[Wilko]

One might make the case that a woman over thirty WITH KID(s) is MORE SANE than some psycho in her forties WITHOUT kids. Especially if her kids are well behaved and emotionally adjusted.

I was just about to mention this. Childless women tend to view me as a means to an end. Well adjusted single mothers just want to enjoy my company for what it actually is. Broadly speaking.

 

[Tictac]

A female that DOESN'T see her own kid as her prime responsibility in life is somebody you want to be worried about. Think about it. That kid's life was dependent on her for a good 2-3 years on a daily basis. If she's psycho enough to put THAT in the back seat, she's equally likely to stab you in the eye with an ice pick while you're sleeping because you wouldn't let her watch her favorite TV show.

One might make the case that a woman over thirty WITH KID(s) is MORE SANE than some psycho in her forties WITHOUT kids. Especially if her kids are well behaved and emotionally adjusted.

From a guy that did and is doing single parenting, I'll tell you that it's the hardest and most rewarding thing i have ever attempted. And it screws with your social life. Anyone that doesn't get that has no business trying to hang with someone that is single parenting. If you don't like it or can't handle it - stay away. It's that simple.

And, not for nothin', the age range we're talking about, women are very likely to have one or more kids. As TO says, 40-somethings with no kids, never been in an LTR or married are almost certain to be way more weird than someone with kids.

 

[Wilko]

Just say no to single moms



Wilko, this is what I used to think. After much experience banging single mothers, I have found that single moms actually view you even more as a means to an end than single women do.

They just hide it better, due to them having far more experience d1cking men around than their hot single counterparts.

To date, I've never once met any of the kids. Actually, it's probably worth drawing a distinction between "single mothers" and women who co-parent with their ex partners. Very different beasts I'm guessing.

 

[Tictac]

To date, I've never once met any of the kids. Actually, it's probably worth drawing a distinction between "single mothers" and women who co-parent with their ex partners. Very different beasts I'm guessing.

Huge difference. When I first split, 'mom' pretended that she wanted the kids and so we shared custody, at least until child support was legally established. 'Co-parenting' ended tight after that. They're mine full time. Lucky for them and me, I like the 'job'.

 

[Who Dares Win]

I want nothing to do with moms either single or not, I have some mental block about screwing a woman while her kid in home with the baby sitter or dropped at grandma.

I feel pity for those kids who see men coming and leaving from their home, giving a couple of pounding to their mother, sitting on the sofa choosing the tv program then switch with an other one 3 months after.

If their kid was to come first, they probably wouldnt kick their dads out of home.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Reyaj,
Well your post illustrates why footloose young Men should be Don Juans.... "why would a guy want to have a relationship with someone where they won't be first priority in her life?"Quite So,but then that Guy might subliminally wish to leave some tangible evidence of his passing...some tangible genetic footprint...We must accept that the Female of our species as with most other Mammals,comes to this Earth engined and armed,for one purpose,the procreation and continuation of her race...This is not some Feminist social construct,but a deeply imbedded genetic imperitive...And for all of us,that is just as well!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Who Dares Wins,
Your post shows profound insight....The flesh is weak,I plead guilty to being in similar situations with Kids on the scene,memories of waking to have kids running around the Bed of myself and some score from last nights drunken debauch...The lasting effect I can't really say,but as to any deeply traumatising effect I rather doubt it,but then,there are surely going to be sad cases...The Mothers all knew what they were doing and had doubtless done it many times before...They were seeking a bit of fun like everyone else,a bit of sunshine in an otherwise very dull existence,maybe even a new Daddy for the kids?...Most manage to insulate their kids from it all very cleverly,they seem to plan their little break outs LOL....Do they always drive the husband away?...No,in most cases it is just that some Men just aren't cut out for marriage,many are unprepared for becoming the runner up to their own kids,in the loving stakes,at twenty something one is just unprepared for such complex issues.