Woman told me we're not "dating"

[ThunderMaverick]

So what would you do exactly in his position, Guru?


Would you lay down your options bluntly and risk walking away?

 

[Mr. Me]

Mr. P, you don't need to figure this one out. It's all good.

You're on the right track with understanding the key here is cultivating patience on your part. Don't bring up the "relationship" talks. That's pressure. You want her eventually to bring it up, not you. That's how you'll know she really wants it. That's not accomplished by you insisting it has to be that way or else.

She's just going slower than you'd like.

So, slow down slower than her.

Stop the "I enjoy being with you" talks and all the relationship jokes and comments, all that stuff. Show her by your actions that you enjoy her, not your words. Maybe even cut back a little on seeing her. You have to out-distance her, to pull her closer. Change the balance, tilting it more toward you in this way. Have patience, go slower. It's on her schedule, not yours, that what you desire, will happen.

 

[guru1000]

So what would you do exactly in his position, Guru?


Would you lay down your options bluntly and risk walking away?

What would I do?

She is F*CKING him and says "We are not dating".

Dating does not mean exclusivity. It does not mean RELATIONSHIP. It is a common courtesy term for two people who are seeing each other non exclusively. For her to say "We are not dating" is a manipulation tactic.

I would say " Oh we are not dating. OK"

I walk away.

When she CALLS and asks whats wrong "Nothing sweetie, we are not dating."

If you do not RESPOND and let a woman PUSH your BOUNDARY while your GUT knows it is wrong, HAVE A NICE DAY and GOOD LUCK.

There are two types of guys. The type that chase women and the other that woman chase.

My plates are SOLDIERS. They have TESTED my boundaries a great deal more than this scenario. I kicked them to the curb until they BEGGED for forgiveness.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Guys, thanks for the advise and the support on this. A lot to think about.

That's what I think I should not be doing though...at this point. Thinking too much, analyzing this.

So far, this has been the only red flag that I've seen. Her IL is still very high and rising, I'm happy with the ways things are going, the way she treats me...I mean really, I have a HB that can't keep her hands off me, loves sex, and none responsibilities of a meet the parents type of relationship.

Looking at my situation from the outside has helped me see this.

I think whatever her reasons are for telling herself that she doesn't want a relationship, will come out eventually. It may be a deal-breaker at that point.

However, as long as I don't get emotionally attached, I figure what happens in the future, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

So far, things have been heading the direction I want them to go. Patience, and enjoying these times, is the right thing for me to do.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Mr.Positive]

What would I do?

She is F*CKING him and says "We are not dating".

Dating does not mean exclusivity. It does not mean RELATIONSHIP. It is a common courtesy term for two people who are seeing each other non exclusively. For her to say "We are not dating" is a manipulation tactic.

I would say " Oh we are not dating. OK"

I walk away.

When she CALLS and asks whats wrong "Nothing sweetie, we are not dating."

Guru, forcing a gal to show all her cards when she's not ready too, don't you think that shows a lot of insecurity? Just so you can say "we're dating"?

 

[Mr. Me]

as long as I don't get emotionally attached...

I'd fine tune that to: as long as she's more attached than you are. That would be part of going slower than her. Be mindful that it's common for guys to, when they are mesmerized, to lose their center. Sounds like you were begriming to get there, when you expressed your inner anxiety/frustration. It's okay to want that, you just have to not let it take over. That's what blows it and makes it painful.

It's like a woman who has a guy that treats her very well, and shows that he loves her. The sex is great, everything's great BUT she would like him to marry her, and he won't. Or she wants him to call more often, but he doesn't. Or she wishes he'd say "I love you" because he never says it (just shows it). Her problem is, she's got something awesome, but it doesn't meld with her expectation of what awesome is to her, so she wants more, rather than be happy with awesome.

For even if the guy called more often, or verbalized his "I Love Yous", she may still complain that he didn't do it in the way she'd prefer, so it doesn't really count. Expectations again, as to how it should be.

That's why they say: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

uhhh, does she have a sister?

 

[guru1000]

Guru, forcing a gal to show all her cards when she's not ready too, don't you think that shows a lot of insecurity? Just so you can say "we're dating"?

Yes, if done out of neediness and desperation.

I do not condone PUSHING a girl into a relationship of exclusivity.

However,

I am a no nonsense guy. That is my boundary.

I express that COVERTLY and OVERTLY in the beginning. If they push on it with nonsense, that is a clear DISRESPECT to me.

Because you expressed your boundary OVERTLY, you must respond OVERTLY.

Your BOUNDARY was pushed when your GUT told you this is not right.

How will you respond to that PUSH?

If a plate spoke that way to me (has happened recently), I kick her out the door no questions asked.

I rather spend my time with someone who will reciprocate my time and energy. Not sleep with me and say "O BTW were not dating, just friends".

:nono:

The dynamic should CLEARLY be the woman having a greater emotional investment than you. This scenario is reverse.

Whether friendship or marriage, this is the MARK of a crumbling structure. If you are not prepared to walk away, grab a parachute brother.

BTW , the plate who had tried the same nonsense on me a while back is the MOST behaved quality plate in the army. :yes:

 

[iqqi]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the responses so I don't know if someone has said something similar to what I have to say, but I think you're in quite a pickle Mr. Positive.

You want a relationship with this woman, but the more you force a relationship on her, the less chance there is that one is going to arise. Of course, if you sit back and let things ride as they are, there is a much better chance of an LTR coming about. If you try to have a "relationship talk" with her, she isn't going to respond well and give you some sort of response about not being ready for a relationship or not having time for one - some B.S. response like that.

My advice to you is to sit back and just enjoy things as they are. There's no need to put some sort of girlfriend tag on her. You enjoy sex with her, you're enjoying the time you spend around her and you hang around with her all the time. And on top of all that, you're not exclusive so you can date around.

I'm failing to see the downside of your situation.

When I've been dating or spending time with a girl I like a lot, and I feel like I could be in an LTR with her, I very rarely bring the subject up. Because, from my experience I've learned that "relationship talks" rarely end well. If an LTR does actually come out of it, the girl immediately holds the frame and the power in the relationship.

Don't force anything on her. Just sit back, chill and enjoy her company

YES, that WAS good. Great drunken advice!!

 

[jophil28]

Mr P- the reason that you authored this thread was because you are 'unhappy' with her denying her "relationship" with you. You are dissatisfied, irritated. feel diminished, devalued - whatever. NOt a good place to be. There is a danger that you will start to try to "prove" to her how worthy you are to be with . That gives her MORE power.and right now she has more POWER and CONTROL over you than you realise. You are in her frame of denial and retreat ,and that is a miserable place.
So how will "being patient and just waiting" fix this unhappiness? .. It won't because she is getting EXACTLY what she wants out of the deal and therefore there is no incentive for her to feel differently, think differently or act differently.
I am with The Guru on this one.
YOu need to realize that IL is not exactly the same as VALUE. She has high IL, but is treating you as if you have low VALUE, and that is often times the precedent to LJBF or her suddenly finding the "BBD". THis is a difficult concept to grasp because we sometimes equate IL with Value.

Read more of Guru's posts on the subject of value vs attraction (IL).