Woman told me we're not "dating"

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...So here's the problem (if there is one)...

The only problem I see is that you're worrying so much about defining what you have with this woman that it's foreshadowing what good with what you have. Other than giving it a name, what's not working in your situation, anything? If things are working and her actions coincide in what you want, why would you do anything to jeopardize it?

 

[Mr.Positive]

The only problem I see is that you're worrying so much about defining what you have with this woman that it's foreshadowing what good with what you have. Other than giving it a name, what's not working in your situation, anything? If things are working and her actions coincide in what you want, why would you do anything to jeopardize it?

Thanks for the insight Francisco...perhaps I may have a little afc insecurity here.

I guess, things have been great with this woman, and her actions have been working for me. The only thing that I question really..is that this sneaking around, so to speak, has been going on for awhile now, and I'm starting to wonder that it's not quite normal for women, for this length of time.

Like Lookyoung said, women love to have boyfriends, and relationships, yet somehow this woman says the opposite...

 

[Last Man Standing]

The men are as woman and the women as men!!

This is a perfect example of how hors are very disconnected from their femininity and quite unnatural!! This chick is dangerous and should not be trusted nor have any emotional attachment to!!!! Just pimp her!!

Women are emotional creatures more so than men, and especially when they have intimate contact with another person. For her to deny her natural femininity and become a mere fleshly sperm receptor, tells you that she is a cold hearted selfish cruel beast!! Flee!!!

This has nothing to do with "insecurity" -

Men don't seek security women do!!!!

 

[squirrels]

She thought by having sex, that I wanted a relationship. She also said that she gives 100% to relationships and doesn't want that right now. I was able to calm this emotional outburst by explaining to her that I was just enjoyed the time I was spending with her...that I'm not putting any labels on anything, I just enjoy her for her.

This is women. For them, there's no such thing as a "relationship"...to them it's an "OMFG RELATIONSHI!P!!$!". If they didn't pack so much dogsh!t drama into every encounter they have with a guy, then male-female relations would go a lot smoother.

But then when all you have to occupy your vapid life is shoes and handbags, any chance to inject some excitement/drama is jumped at. I'm so glad we as men have cool sh!t like guns and motorbikes to occupy our time.

 

[logic1]

Thanks for the insight Francisco...perhaps I may have a little afc insecurity here.

I guess, things have been great with this woman, and her actions have been working for me. The only thing that I question really..is that this sneaking around, so to speak, has been going on for awhile now, and I'm starting to wonder that it's not quite normal for women, for this length of time.

Like Lookyoung said, women love to have boyfriends, and relationships, yet somehow this woman says the opposite...

This is what bothers me about your situation.

Why does a women sneak around?( your words) or wants things hush, hush?

When you are around your social group does her interest level stay the same. Is she touchy feely, kissy with you like when your away from them? If so I dont think you have alot to worry about but something is still not right.

Does she treat you more like a stranger when you are around them?

 

[Knight's Cross]

Mr. P, It all really depends on what you want. I can tell you that in my past relationship I had the same story you did. Was sleeping with her 2-3 nights a week, but she NEVER referred to us as DATING. Never Boyfriend girlfriend, only referred to me as the Guy that she was seeing.

Ok so my 2 cents. You may have a girl that wants her freedom(as in BBD comes along and you are out), but right now also wants a shoulder fwb as well. I don't think this is going to turn out well. It sounds like you want a girlfriend in the sense that she affirms you in front of your social circle. You are not getting that and it's throwing off your game.

Want her to pony up? Well start spinning other plates. Become unavailable. She will either press for the relationship to get more serious, or she'll bail. Either way you win. Right now she has you where she wants you. You are letting her frame things. Not the place to be my friend. You may be getting some tail, but at what cost?

KC

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Thanks for the insight Francisco...perhaps I may have a little afc insecurity here.
I guess, things have been great with this woman, and her actions have been working for me. The only thing that I question really..is that this sneaking around, so to speak, has been going on for awhile now, and I'm starting to wonder that it's not quite normal for women, for this length of time.
Like Lookyoung said, women love to have boyfriends, and relationships, yet somehow this woman says the opposite...

Here's something to consider, defining a relationship (marriage for example) normally change the initial nature of a relationship. Ever wonder why women tend to avoid becoming intimate with guys who are their friends. Not all women want relationships because of that. It's not that they necessarily want to see other guys either. It's just that when a relationship is defined men tend to become possessive, they start setting limits and not all women want to be "owned."

 

[Tazman]

I know it can be tough to see sometimes, but even a woman who is f-cking you doesn't always have genuine high interest level. A close friend of mine was pining over this one chick (wouldn't admit it though), I think he could sense it or knew details about the guy she was currently with and how they probably wouldn't last, so he continued to make himself available to her.

Long story short, she was dumped and then hooked up with my friend, but only after she told him that she was trying to get with some other guy and it didn't pan out. Of course he was completely elated that it happened. They hooked up quite often until she found the bigger better deal, totally blind sided my friend in the process, but it should'nt have since she made the same statement "I don't want a relationship right now".

All that means is she wants to reserve the right to be with or explore other options guilt free. That's probably also why she's keeping things all hush hush when around other people, she doesn't want to give the impression to others that she's taken by you.

I wouldn't have any "serious" talks with her, enjoy things the way they are, but don't give too much of yourself or the impression that she's your only source of p-ssy. That's probably the most important, as has been mentioned before me. If you let her get too comfortable (by giving her underserved "security") with you it will probably end sooner than later.

Security is probably our most valuable asset as men, don't give it away so easily.

 

[jophil28]

Security is probably our most valuable asset as men, don't give it away so easily.

Two points here -
Do NOT give this woman "exclusivity" until she shows by her actions AND her words that she wants it and DESERVES it. At present,she is having her cake and trying to eat it too. I have been in your situation and it will get you crazier unless you take control. Set the frame like Guru says and start directing traffic. At the moment her "feelings" are setting the pace instead of your standards.
Essentially what she wants at the moment is to have a close relationship with you without commitment. That gives her all the options so that if a BBD comes along she "feels" free to swing over to the BBD and leave you in the dust , guilt free. This is what selfish women do.

Secondly her words do not match her behavior right now. She in incongruent and that cause extreme confusion in you which is why you posted here.

Women like this will want YOU not to date anyone else BUT she will want the freedom to come and go as she pleases. Womeh have no problem with double standards when it suits them.
I would tell her simply that you would like to see other women as well. Say no more than that. I have wasted a hundred hours 'talking' to women in protracted discussions and it was a giant waste of time. State your intentions and guide her to what you want otherwise she will continue to contol your situation.

 

[Ever onward]

why why WHY would YOU want to date THIS *****?

Other than the obvious reasons that she must be hot.

She sounds like a real flake. Do not waste your time on people that are a waste of time. We've all been there and it's a road that goes nowhere.

Find someone who is interested and not sketchy.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Thanks everyone, reading all the responses a few things clicked to me, about what I think is going on with this gal.

I love trying to figure women out actually. It adds to the excitement in life.

Here's what I think is going with her..

She is extremely feminine, kind-hearted, the type that "would do anything for her man". Old school femininity, which is rare these days..this is the main reason I'm starting to think she's a quality gal...the more I learn her, I've found she takes pleasure in giving, not receiving.

Piecing together bits and pieces about what she told me about her past, she has been in a string of LTR's. Pretty much one after another, with not too much time in between.

I think she has defined herself as being in relationships. She has placed her personal value on the relationship as a whole, and when the relationship didn't work out, she would jump right into another one...to fill what was missing.

I think she's finally realizing that she needs to find value in herself as an individual.

So, I think she's playing it safe and testing the waters with me. To find out if I'm "the real deal".

So, I'm going to just enjoy her for who she is and not push her. Keep one eye on her IL and see if it keeps going up. We do have a lot in common, and the sex is amazing, so I'll have my cake and eat it too.

 

[jophil28]

Piecing together bits and pieces about what she told me about her past, she has been in a string of LTR's. Pretty much one after another, with not too much time in between.

So, I think she's playing it safe and testing the waters with me. To find out if I'm "the real deal".

This post is a classic example of why and how high IL is NOT the factor which can be relied on to predict women's behavior towards men. From the OP it appears that she does have high attraction and IL (she sleeps with M.P 2-3 times a week)
However her reluctance to commit to a relartionship and publicly acknowedge their dating status is problematic, There could be a few reasons but whatever tricks and delusions she is trying to achieve are belied by her behavior..
They are acting like two people who are dating but she thinks that SAYING that they are not fixes whatever is bugging her. This public(and private) denial of her "relationship" with Mr P is an insult to him. He is good enough to fukk three times a week, but not good enough to hold hands with in public ?
IF this situation were reversed and SHE was posting on LS about him ignoring her in public, she would be hounded to dump his a$$ by both the "ladies " and the chumps on that site.

Go figure .

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Thanks everyone, reading all the responses a few things clicked to me, about what I think is going on with this gal.

I love trying to figure women out actually. It adds to the excitement in life.

Here's what I think is going with her..

She is extremely feminine, kind-hearted, the type that "would do anything for her man". Old school femininity, which is rare these days..this is the main reason I'm starting to think she's a quality gal...the more I learn her, I've found she takes pleasure in giving, not receiving.

Piecing together bits and pieces about what she told me about her past, she has been in a string of LTR's. Pretty much one after another, with not too much time in between.

I think she has defined herself as being in relationships. She has placed her personal value on the relationship as a whole, and when the relationship didn't work out, she would jump right into another one...to fill what was missing.

I think she's finally realizing that she needs to find value in herself as an individual.

So, I think she's playing it safe and testing the waters with me. To find out if I'm "the real deal".

So, I'm going to just enjoy her for who she is and not push her. Keep one eye on her IL and see if it keeps going up. We do have a lot in common, and the sex is amazing, so I'll have my cake and eat it too.

OH my God. Are you dating my ex? Hahahaha


She said the EXACT same thing when she didn't want to get back with me.

I think she has defined herself as being in relationships. She has placed her personal value on the relationship as a whole, and when the relationship didn't work out, she would jump right into another one...to fill what was missing.

Wow, that one struck a cord.

She doesn't live in California, does she? >_O lol

Anyways, for me, the best thing you can do in this situation is tell her what YOU personally want if she brings it up again or walk away. It sounds like you're falling for her and this "thing" you guys have can turn one sided. She's having her cake. You want her to eat it too?

 

[Viking25]

Mr. Positive....I was in EXATLY the same situation about 8 months ago. I could not understand why she didn't want to admit we were dating. Ok ..we eventually went separate ways..but I had an opportunity to ask her recently about this. She is engaged to a nice guy..so she has no reason to lie about this.So here is what she said...I never officially asked her out! All I needed to do is asked her to be my gf. Or something like that.
Hope this helps.

 

[MikeYikes122]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the responses so I don't know if someone has said something similar to what I have to say, but I think you're in quite a pickle Mr. Positive.

You want a relationship with this woman, but the more you force a relationship on her, the less chance there is that one is going to arise. Of course, if you sit back and let things ride as they are, there is a much better chance of an LTR coming about. If you try to have a "relationship talk" with her, she isn't going to respond well and give you some sort of response about not being ready for a relationship or not having time for one - some B.S. response like that.

My advice to you is to sit back and just enjoy things as they are. There's no need to put some sort of girlfriend tag on her. You enjoy sex with her, you're enjoying the time you spend around her and you hang around with her all the time. And on top of all that, you're not exclusive so you can date around.

I'm failing to see the downside of your situation.

When I've been dating or spending time with a girl I like a lot, and I feel like I could be in an LTR with her, I very rarely bring the subject up. Because, from my experience I've learned that "relationship talks" rarely end well. If an LTR does actually come out of it, the girl immediately holds the frame and the power in the relationship.

Don't force anything on her. Just sit back, chill and enjoy her company

 

[jophil28]

Mr. Positive....I was in EXATLY the same situation about 8 months ago. I could not understand why she didn't want to admit we were dating. Ok ..we eventually went separate ways..but I had an opportunity to ask her recently about this. She is engaged to a nice guy..so she has no reason to lie about this.So here is what she said...I never officially asked her out! All I needed to do is asked her to be my gf. Or something like that.
Hope this helps.

I hope that you are not trusting and naive enough to believe that her explanation was the REAL reason.
"You did not OFFICIALLY ask her out "
That is the most priceless piece of female crapola I have ever heard.
It is lame and dishonest . She is seeking to shift the resonsibility for her actions onto you by accusing you of being careless,clumsy, thoughtless, uncaring and lacking knowledge of dating protocol.

Leave her to her "nice guy" fiance..the poor chump probably is also in for some surpises when they have their first breakup.

 

[Tazman]

I think she has defined herself as being in relationships. She has placed her personal value on the relationship as a whole, and when the relationship didn't work out, she would jump right into another one...to fill what was missing.

The funny thing about this is, it doesn't stop. Women will always want to be in a "relationship". What you have with her right now is exactly that, a relationship, titles are meaningless. Women jump from guy to guy because they cannot be alone, don't be fooled into believing she somehow wants to find some meaning in her life beyond men. If that were the case, she wouldn't be with you or anyone right now.

This isn't meant to sound negative, it's just the way they are. All women (and men) will do what they feel is necessary to get what they want, there is no such thing as a "quality" person. That description is very unreliable because people are never static.

Things sound as if they're going well, just be careful with your "boundaries" as she has definitely given you reason to be more cautious. Sex seems almost like a curse for us because we can be so drawn in by it that we don't think rationally about what we're getting into (women know this all too well).

 

[romangod]

Romangod, sincerely..thank you. You've been a huge help to me.

You're most welcome. I'm glad I can return the favor. Hold your head up......... Keep moving forward........... Stay patient. Everything will happen as it is suppose to happen. Cheers!

 

[STR8UP]

I'm surprised that nobody caught my attempt at a joke.....

She communicated this to you OVERTLY. At least part of what she was trying to do was TEST you.

 

[guru1000]

This post is a classic example of why and how high IL is NOT the factor which can be relied on to predict women's behavior towards men. From the OP it appears that she does have high attraction and IL (she sleeps with M.P 2-3 times a week)
Go figure .

Yes! High IL alone cannot HOLD a relationship together.

High IL will only open the door.

The FEAR OF LOSS will. Deep Territory.

She pushed and saw no response.

She needs to FEEL his BOUNDARIES to truly DESIRE him. He will eventually need to show his ABILITY TO WALK AWAY.

There is only one person in the driver's seat. The ball is in her court now.

It is no wonder certain men run the show hand over first while others cannot.

I think she has defined herself as being in relationships. She has placed her personal value on the relationship as a whole, and when the relationship didn't work out, she would jump right into another one...to fill what was missing.

I think she's finally realizing that she needs to find value in herself as an individual

Hey Mr. Postive,

I wouldn't justify her behavior. A woman can have been raped , beaten and sadomized by every man in her life. However if she truly DESIRED you, she would run through a mine field with one leg to marry you.

Personally, I DO NOT ACCEPT anything less than QUALITY COVERT BEHAVIOR from my plates . I will THROW them away if I SENSE poor behavior no matter how ridiculous it may appear.

The relationship plays on my TERMS only. I do not engage my TIME on her TERMS. This is a DEAL BREAKER for me. I have a great track record because of who I keep.

You are concerned enough to write this thread as you KNOW in your GUT something is approaching. If you have fear to express this BOUNDARY, this relationship is over. If you think for a second that EXPRESSING your concerns will chase this girl away, then you SHOULD end this rendezvou.

If you wish NOT to express any boundaries and go with the flow, then KEEP us posted on the end result as I feel this is 90% finished.