Wife is only interested in baby...

[lifeisgood]

Hello there,
Just stumbled upon this forum when I was looking for advice.
There seems to be a whole lot here...
I have been with my wife for a little over three years.
We have been married for a year and a half and now have a four month old daughter.
My partner has always had a very lively persona, lot's of laughter and a bit childish at times,i.e. not acting her age much which partly attracted me to her. Since the beginning of our relationship she used to get terrible drama fits during her periods.
However the fun times we shared were outweighing the drama and I put it down to her hormones.
There were times when I considered leaving her for the "fake" drama she created but then I looked at myself and found that I have my own flaws.
The sex was definitely a healthy part of our relationship and there was plenty of it.
We got married after going out for two years and shortly thereafter fell pregnant. Before we knew we were pregnant I had a flight booked back around the world to Europe where I am from, to get some dental work done and also for me to attend my mums round birthday, all up staying for 3 months. The dental work required two months and then I left just after my mums 70th.
I have been living away for over thirteen years and only travel back to my home country every three or four years, never being back for mothers birthday so far.

When we found out we were having a baby, I offered to cancel the trip.
My wife however told me to go and enjoy my time back home...
Once I was back in my home country, she was getting more needy than I expected and was trying to talk with me via Skype everyday. I wasn't up for this as it impacted with my stay there, -I was doing some work too. I figured it would suffice to just talk with her every few days. She also started to ask me to come back earlier which I did not as it would have cost an enormous amount to change flights besides I really wanted to be there for mums b-day.
I came back four months before the birth to a person that did not respect me anymore.
Granted, I disappointed her, but I still spoke to her regularly during my time away.
I realise now that since my return I have been a chimp to her, trying to make everything right leading up to the birth.
After the birth, she lost all interest in me, doesn't sleep with me anymore and has had a few bad angry fits at me, just for disagreeing on baby related matters.
She is now living with a female friend and I only get to see the baby and her on weekends. We have tried some counselling but when the counsellor is trying to tell her that her behaviour is unreasonable, she won't take any advice.
To give you a few examples, when baby is sleeping, I am not allowed to turn a tap on, have a shower, make any noise, no mobile phones within 3 meters, etc...
She is completely absorbed in the babys world and nothing else matters.
I might as well not exist anymore.
I financially support her but am constantly walking on eggshells around her.
At first I thought she had post natal depression but now with a bit of research veer towards symptoms of BPD or Bipolar disorder. She comes from a broken family with violence and alcohol abuse but you wouldn't have known that when you met, she was happy go lucky.
However at the same time she has always been a bit ungrounded in her personality.
Now to me she has become a monster.
There have been two times when she even attacked me, once after she was slamming doors in anger and I asked her not to do that -as the baby was sleeping.
I told her to get help because her behaviour was not tolerable. She said she would never get help. Then I did the wrong and told her she has a mental illness to which she slapped me in the face...
Not good, but I feel that I have some guilt there too.
Anyways, some people tell me it's the hormones and she will come good within a year but I am skeptical of this. I still love her very much and would like for us to stay together. But right now I am not living a worthy relationship, just hanging in there walking on eggshells.
She is very dominant, much more so now than she ever was. There used to be a balance of power but no more.
Any advice would be highly appreciated!
Thank you!

 

[Tictac]

If no one ever told you that 'kids change everything' you are late to what it means to be a father or a parent.

You either learn to live with this, or you bail.

If you bail, you have a boy's approach to life.

Get over yourself. You are a father now.

It's not about you anymore.

 

[Frogster]

Women's hormones cannot be overlooked.

There were definite times when we wanted to kill each other. There were some times that she appeared to be completely insane. There's no argueing with her at those times.

All you can do is be supportive of her. And be a good father to your child.

If she chooses to leave you, there's nothing you can do about it.


Your life definitely changes after fatherhood. And in today's society, the family unit is child centered. This is definitely a mistake. It creates a self centered spoiled brat with an entitlement mentality. The CORE of the family unit should always be the husband and wife.

Sit down with your wife, and discuss how you're going to raise your children. If you're a Christian, I would recommend a parenting class called "Growing Kids God's Way". This will go into greater detail on my suggestion about the family unit.

Here's a tip on 4 month old babies. At bedtime, PACK them full of cereal. The cereal will keep their tummies full for most of the night, and before you know it, you've established a routine and the child will sleep all night.


If you thought sex dropped off after marriage, then you're realizing that its practically non-existant after children. This is just the nature of life. You both are too exhausted, and your wife has been mauled all day by kids. She doesn't want anyone to touch her. Once the kids get into highschool, the sex will return better than ever. Assuming you have what it takes to be a good husband and father, and can stick with it.

Hope this helps.

 

[Tictac]

Do you have kids Frogster?

 

[Frogster]

Three boys, and married 23 years.

16 to 9

Like I said, once they're independent, the sex is a LOT better.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear All,
This is our Lady Journalist again,fishing for ideas on an article she is submitting...I say Svod off!

 

[guru1000]

Disrespect in any context is unacceptable, and is often an indicator of lower interest. The disrespect will aggrandize over time. Sit down with the Miss, and explain to her exactly what is and is not acceptable to you. Overtly delineate the rules of the relationship; lay out your boundaries. If she refuses to comply, or agrees but than violates such boundaries, walk away permanently, as she has low interest. Meet with a divorce lawyer to mitigate damage.

Self-respect is a superlative principle. Once your self-respect is violated, your frame is compromised, and your relationship will fail irrespective of future context. Remember, interest level is EVERYTHING. Your most empowering response, then, is to walk away from the relationship on your terms, on your boundaries, with self-respect fully intact. Get used to this Don Juan: live life on your terms, walk away from low-interest women, accept no BS or poor behavior from anyone, and prioritize self-respect in every context.

PS, always be there for the kid.

 

[Zarky]

OP should be a lesson to all... don't get married, don't have children.

 

[apprenticedj]

First let me say I'm sorry to hear of your situation. If the problem just existed between the two of you that's one thing but now you have a baby in the mix so things get much trickier. You can make it work if you truly want to (for yourself or your baby) but major changes need to happen.

Some would advocate a direct approach, sit her down and explain how you feel etc but I would advise differently. You need to, without verbalizing, slowly shift your behaviour towards her in hopes of reframing this relationship.

She loves drama so you need to do your best to not give fuel to the drama fire. Be calm with her, don't react to her outbursts. Show that your only concern is your child and make that the focus of your life. When you go over for your weekend visits be cordial but give her nearly ZERO attention. Spend every second playing with the baby and being Dad. Nothing else matters during those two days. Forget her tantrums, forget her drama. Speak with her matter of factly but be nice. You want this to be subtle so it's not obvious that you're consciously changing your behaviour.

Now for the bad part IMO: Based on your description of her behaviour and her background I would say that she will never change. This is her, plain and simple. All the drama, tantrums and fights? She thrives on that and without it her life is less interesting to her. You may have been blinded by puppy love (many have been) and you failed to see it but the red flags were probably waving the whole time. Honestly even if you get over this hump and things smooth out for awhile you're still looking at a long hard road with her. She's the type of gal that will let you foot the bill to raise this child and support her for years and then one day she'll tell you it's over. She's unstable and the stability you provide doesn't mean a thing to her. She needs DRAMA!!! These type of women have no loyality.

I would say look for some threads here about impending divorce and follow the tips layed out there. Start stockpiling some secret cash, NEVER buy anything in both your names (ie a house or car), no joint credit cards/bank accounts. Some of the guys here have had their asses handed to them in divorce and they have some great tips.

Basically my post summarized: Try to make it work with her by reframing and truly give it your best shot, your baby deserves it BUT have a plan B ready to go when everything goes south. Best of luck to you.

 

[Albatross953]

If this isn't a troll, it would be the only time I suggest marriagebuilders.com

 

[lifeisgood]

Thank's for the advice so far!
Let me make this clear; I aint no troll and certainly not a lady journalist with a hidden agenda!
My problem is genuine and I will try to make the best decision for the love of my daughter.
I knew things were gonna change and that I or we would be taking a backseat...
But being raised as a christian I had all these ideas in my head that a creating a family would be the ultimate attainment in life.
What a load of bs, at least in my case.
I now certainly would advise anyone before having children, to clarify with their partner that the relationship still has to hold up and must remain healthy by all means.
There is still some hope but the damage is done. I am not sure wether to go down the path of pulling all my interest from her or wether I should still try to be
Mr. Nice.
The baby will have a loving and and caring father-rest assured!

 

[expos]

This is why it’s important to really date someone a considerable amount of time before putting a ring on their finger. For some, two years is plenty. For others, it may take 4 or 5 to really see those drastic shifts in personality. For you, 2 years was not enough and you introduced a child way too early into this relationship to even give this marriage a legitimate chance. I’m not ripping on you, but I shake my head at guys who get married quick, and their wives kick out a baby 9 months after the vows are exchanged.

To me, that is completely INSANE.

Some women change after marriage and their should be a trial period in which you just enjoy being married for a few years. If the woman cannot enjoy that period of your exclusive company, at least you can get out without substantial emotional and financial damages and being tied to that woman for life because of child.

It’s healthy to fight and disagree. You learn a lot about yourself through conflict and pain. But disrespect is whole other story, This means that your partner doesn’t care about you or want to make this relationship work. Once it’s gone, it’s difficult to go back.

You tell us that she doesn’t respond to any criticism. What you should do is pull her aside one day and get face to face with her. Tell her very coldly that what you guys have isn’t working. Tell her that YOU want to make this work and that you are asking her to cooperate with you to build a great life together. Make this clear and don’t get emotional. This a part of your 180 you’ll need to pull to get her back on track.

Another thing, don't count on the sex returning once the kid is out the house. Sex SHOULD NEVER DIE in any relationship.

Some women (and men) are just going through the motions up until the child leaves the house and are just staying together for the kid. Read all the horror stories of women bailing out of marriages at the 20-year mark because "they've lost themselves" or they are going through a "mid-life crisis". What this tells me is that raising a child is something they wanted to do, but marriage is something that was always less important. Now that the job of raising the child is essentially over, they move on to new "exciting" things.

The male, in this case, was just the vehicle for her to get what she wanted.

 

[VladPatton]

I don't know how you did it until the separation, but I applaud you for being tolerable to her. For me, personally, I would look into getting a divorce. I'd hit that nuke button. This is America, you shouldn't walk on eggshells for anyone. Forget about that religion bullshıt  you were force fed growing up, that's not the real world of today. Today's real world is full of different people with different mentalities. Do what is right for you and get some peace in your life. Start collecting some proof against her. If you play your cards right with a good lawyer, you may even win custody. Good luck, man.

 

[Colossus]

Personally, I do not agree with the "suck it up, you're a father now" philosophy in all cases.

Your priority should absolutely be the child, but part of that commitment is respecting yourself as a man and as an individual. Mental illness or not, you cannot let someone treat you like that. What kind of message is that going to form in your daughter's brain as she grows up? Mom is an overbearing quack who sh!ts on dad every chance she gets....and dad TAKES it.

When you are a kid there is nothing worse than having parents who fight incessantly, or having a mom who trashes your dad when he isnt around. Kids cannot process that objectively and it gets internalized into dysfunctional adult behavioral traits.

Like Guru said, self-respect is paramount to a healthy relationship and family life. You cannot stick around after that line has been crossed and all reasonable attempts at rectifying the problem have been made. Your child will be far better off with divorced parents but a healthy loving dad, rather than married parents who live in discord and misery.

 

[abe0]

There is a lady Dawn Michael her website is thehappyspouse who even wrote a book on this. You may want to consult with her....she is really good and this is not an uncommon problem. Be careful about thinking this is disrespect.....a test.....Consult with someone who knows. Abe

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Good Life,
Your laboured attempt at the vernacular cannot conceal a Journalistic hand...you write well!

 

[Zunder]

I agree with Scaramouche. This is a BS post and poster.

 

[lifeisgood]

Hey!
I am amused! Which is great, as recently there has not been much to amuse me...
Scaramouche, you just turned a negative feeling towards you on my behalf into a positive one! Thank you for the the compliment! I am actually a tradie who lives in Tassie! It helps that I was brought up in western Europe and prefer good books to Television. English is my third language. But I second what you said, after reading a few of your posts I must admit to admiring your storytelling; humorous and witty.
Expos:
I fully agree with you, -it never was our plan to have a baby that soon. But we had this -in hindsight very stupid thing going, were there were times when she deemed it safe to have unprotected sex as supposedly she wasn't able to receive. It went well for a while until we got pregnant, go figure. My bad, I know.
Anyhow, I wish I had discovered this formidable forum much, much earlier,
-oh boy it could have safed me some trouble!
I spent a few hours last night on here and am certain now that my wive is a BPD type. It was a scary but at the same time a very relieving moment. As I kept thinking that I was the problem or wondering how I could fix her.
She ticks the boxes perfectly. Pity a lot of those traits only showed themselves so late. However I am to blame, I certainly thought I was a white knight...
Oh well, you live and learn!
Now I have to do damage control and make sure our daughter won't grow up to be like her mum. Hope I can achieve this.
And then, on the upside there will be a time to go hunting again.
Thank's again for the advice.

 

[hithard]

I went through something similar that ended bringing me here. My biggest regret was thinking there was something I could do to fix the relationship problem. I wasted months trying to problem solve something that in the end required meds(almost a decade later).
You cannot change someone who wants to fight you all the way.
What you can do is shift focus off a relationship that for the moment is done and concentrate on being the best father/man you can be.
Your story has been told a million times on boards like these. Unfortunately there are only bandaid solutions for getting her back(if you really want to suffer).

Trust me there are a lot of girls in Aus with issues

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Life is Good,
Extremely interesting...I sincerely apologise...was not Joseph Conrad,a Polish emigre amongst the best three or four of last Centuries finest contributors to English literature?