why the hell does oneitis last so damn long? help me figure it out guys.

[jakeyboy]

so you think you've found her, your perfect mate. one tiny problem, she doesn't like you, one big problem, you're infatuated with her.

and it goes on, for months and years... you secretly wish some day she might just miraculously change her mind and fall for you. you don't know why, its that one special girl whom you just cant get over. she's not special to anyone else, nor is she stunningly attractive, or flawless in character, but somehow you think she's right for you. the one.

i know its painful when you get rejected by someone like that, she may simply have been an ex girlfriend, or any ordinary girl, but you just cant get her outta your mind.

but why you ask? its never been this way before, you got over the other girls pretty quickly.

and its not as if you don't incorporate all the good **** from the forum into your life, it has changed for the better, but this girl still remains an issue for some guys and you felt that no one could replace her.

you get angry with yourself for being such an idiot, i mean after all, she's just human like any of us, it shouldn't be at all difficult to forget her.

well, IMO, the reason that prevents us from forgetting these sort of girls, is that dirty little thing known as "the glimmer of hope" yes yes, the chances slim, but yet you still hope that one day your oneitis will fall in love with you and you'll live happily ever after, though this may sound pretty insignificant :"i'm a DJ, i can get all the girls i want who are much better than her" maybe the dudes out there who can identify with oneitis will understand, its not a matter about being a DJ, or having lots of chicks, its the matter about this one girl, and her alone.. and the feelings stirred so deep inside you that you cant let go.

if any of you guys can relate out there (i'm sure you can), post and tell me what it is that keeps you from forgetting about any one special girl in your life, and how you got over that obstacle, i'm sure this will be helpful to many dudes out there.

thanks in advance...

 

[Sart]

infatuation

Yeah, I think it is infatuation. You also know that you are on her sexual ladder, if you believe the ladder theory. Especially if you have had a relationship in the past. The friendship zone os specific to girls you meet and never touch. If however you did have a thang, you know damn well that she soemtimes remembers it, you feel that twitch of sexual tension BUT its become harder to breach that gap.

You are not really a friend, you are an ex, and we all know that ex's remember you cummming in their mouth, I mean YOU DO, and you know THEY DO, its just under the surface. They may simply not love you enough...yet, or tey are keeping ther options open because they are still searching. That glimmer of hope is still alive. Especially the ones that soemtimes "come on' a little bit or get that glint in their eye when you discuss your ex romantic contact with them. They are still interested, at least to degree.

The real friendship zone is for the men who NEVER crossed that line in the first place and were relegated to friend prior to any other contact. Once you have been with a woman, it is easier to "one day" slip back into it. THAT is what keeps you interested, because you know they are interested, even if onyl slightly.

You know what I am saying. You can feel someones emotion toward you, it bounces back at you from their personna. The men looking for this with someone they met as, and always treated as friends would have a much harder hill to climb, but if you have history, well, history can and does repeat.

 

[Duke]

MOVE ON. SEE OTHER GIRLS. Infatuation will get NUKED once you see that this girl IS NOT a special and unique snowflake. You've put her on a pedestal, and you let her run all over you. PUT A STOP TO THIS. MOVE ON. NOW. You are clinging to her because you like your love-life will be ruined if she leaves. This is BULL****. Other girls want you.

Look for David Deangelo's Double Your Dating (DYD) video and audio CDs & ebook, and read the DJ Bible.

 

[Raptor]

Yeah I don't know what it is man. I'm going through the same thing right now. I have been friends with many girls and dated a few in my young dating career. Before if I got rejected or dumped I got over it without a problem. But this one girl, who I was friends with for about 2 months then asked out and dated for a month, really just feels right too me.

She claims at one time she thought "I was the one." and she felt all of the chemistry. New Years she sent me a text telling me she loved me and wanted to have sex with me. (I always thought true feelings come out when drunk). Two days later she tells me she does not feel the "click" anymore and she was attracted to my friend. My friend was attracted to her but did not let anything happen. This broke her. She wants to be "friends" and I said I'd give it a try but that I was still attracted to her and could not promise that it would work. LAtley I've been playing more aloof and it sort of seems like it is working. She is now starting all the convos and texts. So who knows what she is thinking.

Although I should be super pissed I'm not and I would take her back in a moments notice. It was how I felt when I was with her and she was the first girl who actually felt genuine when we were dating. I don't know what it is.......I wish there was a way to get over it, but I don't think there truly is.

 

[jakeyboy]

see, oneitis happens to the best of us...
i'm glad to know i'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes, its like a horrid little flashback that keeps repeating itself.

and raptor, i think your last line says it all, "i wish there was a way to get over it, but i don't think there truly is".. well, maybe time will help. but you do realize that if you take her back, she might simply stomp on over you again right?

anyways sart, that was a really insightful interpretation of oneitis, i thank you for your words of wisdom! they could really identify with me

i think the only way to cure oneitis is to let time heals itself.

because finding new girls wouldn't work, your subconscious mind won't allow you to forget your oneitis.

"the magic of the first love is the ignorance that it can never end"

but, old times never come back and i suppose it's just as well, what comes back is a new morning everyday of the year, and that's better.

if anyone else would like to share their stories/theories of oneitis, they are most certainly welcome

 

[johnny_chase]

oneitis only lasts as long as the time it takes to find another one. That's the way i always went about it

 

[AFK Protector]

4.5 year oneitis. I'm not counting the past .5 year because she is still there and always will be, except I have tuned it down.

That's the way. you can't destroy a oneitis with time, the DJB, or videos. You can't. I've read the DJB like 3 times, but it all went away when she smiled. That's the power of oneitis people. But what has helped da lot? I realized that as a little boy, I "loved" girls in like 4th grade and stuff, but then I moved and forgot about her. Then I went to HS and forgot about another one. I was wrong all those times....why am I right this time? She's just another girl.

Listen here people. You can't forgot so don't try. It'slike tug of war. However you can lessen the effects it has on you. I try to see her as a friend now. Even if I am on the sex ladder, I am PURPOSELY TRYING to jump onto the friend ladder. That's the closest I've come to curing this.

But you see I've learned a lot from this. I learned not to get emotionally involved until you actually get into a relatoinship. You see, we acted to fast. don't make the same mistakes again ladies and gents.

That is all

 

[AFK Protector]

Originally posted by johnny_chase
oneitis only lasts as long as the time it takes to find another one. That's the way i always went about it

Good call here Johnny_chase.

 

[killerasp]

its easier than you think

at first its hard...when you start dating girls and getting into the scene, getting your first oneitis is hard to get over. I been there...done that. But over time, i realize the solution to a oneitis is very simple. Become more social...go out more...meet and date more girls! Ask any guy that is very social and is constantly meeting new girls...."oneitis what?!". before you know it, youll be asking yourself..."what girl? you must mean this hot ass girl sweating me".

 

[The TallOne]

I am in the same boat.

I have had oneitis in this past, but this one.. this one is the weirdest.

She doesn't date anyone, as I suspect she has had bad prior relationships.

She has all the qualities of a good LTR person, but, doesn't want to date.

Ironic.

The closest thing to a cure, is, to muster up the strength to start looking for other girls. Time doesn't help if you're still thinking about her.

Don't fall into the trap of comparing the girls you are meeting to your oneitis however, as you'll never be able to match up someone exactly as she was.

 

[Raptor]

I actually think I would take her back one time. She only made one mistake and she realizes it. This girl changed me and I would give it another go if I had the chance one more time. But if she did the same thing one more time I'd be gone.

 

[johnny_chase]

I think the first time is the worst, it just fcuking sucks. Then once you find another one, it kind of hits you: oh snap! There are *other* girls, oh yah!

Before you know it, if you're social enough, you'll have forgot about it. That, and dont get too emotionally involved to start.

Tallone, i am in the same boat as you. Met a girl with a BF, and we hooked up. It was great, she was great, and she broke up with her BF, and now wants to be single for a while, "alone time". Dosent want to date right now, but is great LTR material.

Basically i told her that's cool, but when she's ready she's gonna have to compete with at least two other girls.

I was a little phased mind you, but got over it pretty quick. Go out and get some numbers, that's how i got my mind off it.


That, and you'll never find someone exactly as good as her, but there are other ones with their own qualities

 

[The TallOne]

Originally posted by johnny_chase
Iand now wants to be single for a while, "alone time". Dosent want to date right now, but is great LTR material.

I know it varies with girls... but..

How long do girls generally wait till they date again?

This one will be in 'non-dating mode' for a year come march.

 

[DharmaBear]

Proximity & Stimulation

These are key. I've had oneities twice in my life: Once over an ex who I dated for four years but then she ended up cheating on me (that's when the oneities started), and once right now with a coworker.

In both situations, my oneitis was inflamed when a) they were around me, and the more they were around me the worse the oneitis got; and b) even if they weren't around me, any sort of stimulation from them (an e-mail, phone call, letter, etc.) would do the trick.

If you're oneitis is crippling, then my recommendation is to completely cut off contact AND continually date other girls. You must have both; just one or the other likely won't do it. This is what I eventually did with Oneitis #1, and I've been great ever since.

I only recommend this if your oneitis is really interrupting the normalcy of your life. I think there's a spectrum of oneitis, and if you're too far to the right then cut everything off with the girl. It's hard sometimes, but it works. It's also not the best way to effectively deal with people - by ignoring them. But, the severity of the oneitis trumps all else. you have to get on with your life.

I'm still dealing with Oneitis #2. Why? Because I HAVE to work with her every friggin' day! I have no choice but to be stimulated and in her proximity. It sucks, and I've gone so far as to look for another job just for the sole purpose of getting away from her. If anyone has any tips on how to handle this situation, I'm all ears. Because the only methods - the ones I mention above - won't work here. I'm continually affirmed every day that these are the only ways to get over oneities.


-Dharma

 

[wiggadude]

my case of oneitis

For the last year I've had a very bad case of oneitis.

This girl at work -- I can't get over her. She's not even available, and yet I keep thinking she would be perfect for me.

Most other people think she looks just "ok", or "good". I think she looks fabulous. I love everything about her.

When she crosses my path at work, it makes my day. When she smiles at me I feel like superman for two days. When I talk to her I feel like I'm walking on clouds.

I've tried to overcome this... sometimes I feel I've gotten over her, but when she smiles at me, it's all over and I'm back to square one.

I've also looked everywhere I can for someone else like her, or someone else who I find this attractive. I haven't found anyone yet.

HELP!!!

 

[wiggadude]

Re: Proximity & Stimulation

I'm in a similar situation.

Sometimes I think if I could only have sex with her once, I could die... then my life is complete.

Originally posted by DharmaBear
These are key. I've had oneities twice in my life: Once over an ex who I dated for four years but then she ended up cheating on me (that's when the oneities started), and once right now with a coworker.

In both situations, my oneitis was inflamed when a) they were around me, and the more they were around me the worse the oneitis got; and b) even if they weren't around me, any sort of stimulation from them (an e-mail, phone call, letter, etc.) would do the trick.

If you're oneitis is crippling, then my recommendation is to completely cut off contact AND continually date other girls. You must have both; just one or the other likely won't do it. This is what I eventually did with Oneitis #1, and I've been great ever since.

I only recommend this if your oneitis is really interrupting the normalcy of your life. I think there's a spectrum of oneitis, and if you're too far to the right then cut everything off with the girl. It's hard sometimes, but it works. It's also not the best way to effectively deal with people - by ignoring them. But, the severity of the oneitis trumps all else. you have to get on with your life.

I'm still dealing with Oneitis #2. Why? Because I HAVE to work with her every friggin' day! I have no choice but to be stimulated and in her proximity. It sucks, and I've gone so far as to look for another job just for the sole purpose of getting away from her. If anyone has any tips on how to handle this situation, I'm all ears. Because the only methods - the ones I mention above - won't work here. I'm continually affirmed every day that these are the only ways to get over oneities.

-Dharma

 

[wiggadude]

That's a good way to look at it.

I wonder if I'll ever have a LTR with a oneitis. That's like my goal in life now. Even though there are lots of other girls, and even though other girls are interested in me, I'm sort of holding out for another oneitis to date...

My dilemma is: if I hook up with a girl who is not really a oneitis, I won't be perfectly happy. Then if I meet a oneitis I'd have to break up with the first one!

What to do?!?! I'm still holding out for that oneitis (not ONE particular, just ANY oneitis I might encounter in the future).

Am I f*cked?

Originally posted by johnny_chase
oneitis only lasts as long as the time it takes to find another one. That's the way i always went about it

 

[00Kevin]

I think that the reason it can last so damn long is because you have focused on having that "perfect" girl for so damn long.

If you want to break this cycle then you have to draw some conclusions and then change your life.

Conclusion #1 - She isn't perfect
A woman can only be close to perfect if she thinks that you are close to perfection. Is this not the truth? How can a girl who doesn't like you seem perfect in your mind? Isn't she missing a major quality that you require? Is she really that stupid and unperceptive that she can't see into your heart? Shouldn't a dumb unperceptive woman should be unattractive to you?

Conclusion #2- You failed yourself
The reason you have a oneitis is because you have a quest to love a woman. You have given up on yourself. In fact, you have failed yourself so many times that you are now happy to experience a small taste of it. You just want to focus loving a girl in a one sided way. Even if it hurts you, at least you will feel good about loving her. It is the pleasure of loving a girl that drives you to have a oneitis. Even if it can't ever happen at least you are getting something out of it. A twisted kind of pleasure is the root cause of it.

Conclusion #3- Get off your ass and work for it.

Add up all the years that you where AFC and being socially conditioned to think that your purpose in life should be to love a woman. This is a nice idea and it might be what is in your heart, but the world isn't like that. When you learn to accept the world for how it is you will learn not to be stuck on a oneitis. Everything in the world you must work for and that includes your perfect little woman. You have to be picky and you have to get off your ass and do what it takes to find a girl that likes you back.

 

[Aussiedude]

Re: Proximity & Stimulation

Originally posted by DharmaBear


I'm still dealing with Oneitis #2. Why? Because I HAVE to work with her every friggin' day! I have no choice but to be stimulated and in her proximity. It sucks, and I've gone so far as to look for another job just for the sole purpose of getting away from her. If anyone has any tips on how to handle this situation, I'm all ears. Because the only methods - the ones I mention above - won't work here. I'm continually affirmed every day that these are the only ways to get over oneities.


-Dharma

I am in the same situation as well. I talked to her about it. She is getting over an ex and is interested but not enough it seems to go out with me. We are very close friends and she has agreed to give me space and that means at work as well.

Do you HAVE to talk to her at work? Can you get by without interacting? It's hard I know but may be a way for you. Maybe talk to her about it if you have to. Do it in a cool way. See if she will leave you alone for a bit.

 

[DharmaBear]

Re: Re: Proximity & Stimulation

Originally posted by Aussiedude
I am in the same situation as well. I talked to her about it. She is getting over an ex and is interested but not enough it seems to go out with me. We are very close friends and she has agreed to give me space and that means at work as well.

Do you HAVE to talk to her at work? Can you get by without interacting? It's hard I know but may be a way for you. Maybe talk to her about it if you have to. Do it in a cool way. See if she will leave you alone for a bit.

Well, we work in a relatively small office of 22 people. We don't sit near each other, so often throughout the day I'm away from her. But, she likes to stoke my oneitis with an occasional e-mail, or sometimes comes over to talk to me or ask me to go to lunch with her. Thanks to this site, I've dealt with this situation much better and I'm much healthier with myself and handling her attention wh0re needs. But, she's still there. I might be 85% better now, but not 100%.

How did you manage to talk to your oneitis about this without sounding completely AFC?



-Dharma