JMoney172
Don Juan
Fellas,
I'll start this by saying I'm no Don Juan. I'm a recovering AFC at best. Especially since I left my latest LTR of just over a year and a half. I say "left" but in reality I was torn from it kicking and screaming. She had many of the characteristics of a "Cluster B" and suffers from PTSD from an assault she suffered in University.
I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I was well into my study of Don Juandom when I was introduced to her by a friend's girlfriend. I fell into the classic trap. Long story short (because I'm at work on my Blackberry): she called me a "polar bear" because she perceived I was cold and unable to connect emotionally. Over the course of the relationship I reverted to my AFC roots and lost frame control. Then, once we were living together we got into an argument about her not being home. I had made dinner she was going for a "manicure and pedicure" after work and I figured a half hour...maybe 45 minutes she'd be home. No big deal. Two and a half hours later...that was the beginning of the end.
The relationship finally ended in December and I moved out into my own place. Now. After a little more than a month without her (and no contact after about the 10th of December) I'm finally recovering from the mindfvck and other mental and emotional aftermath.
The Pain of No Contact
Guys...it hurts. She was your life and now she's gone. But guess what? She's gone! No more pain, no more heartache. Now use that experience. Take time to mourn the relationship. You need it. Especially as a recovering AFC. The first two weeks were really tough for me. You're going to go through the thoughts about how bad it would actually be if you just sent her a text. Don'! Be a man! Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
A famous test pilot once said "The day I stop learning is the day I stop flying.". The same should be true of your love life. You should learn something new every single day. No matter how trivial. Anybody who says LTR breakups shouldn't affect you is either a psychopath or a first-level thinker. It is completely natural to be affected by the loss of a significant other. But take it for what it is. Learn from the experience.
Were there warning signs for me? There sure were. We broke up earlier in the relationship for 2 weeks. In that time she had already gone and slept with another guy. That should have been it for me. But I was so out of touch with reality and myself that I let it slide. Which leads nicely into my second point.
Be A Man!
Rule number one in any relationship in your life should be "be your best self.". Yeah. We've all heard it. What does it mean? It means acting with integrity. It means being true to yourself: listening to your gut. If you feel like something is wrong...it probably is. You should be the same person no matter who you are interacting with, man, woman, sister, brother, parent. It doesn't matter.
All of this academic bullsh*t we talk about here about frame control and congruency, it means "be your best self." That's it!
At the end of a relationship, look back. Think about the times you were uncomfortable with the way you were being treated. Think about when you let her put herself way above you. Use that information to be a better you in future relationships.
Breaking No Contact
Don't. No matter how much you want to talk to her. To look at her Facebook status, to read her blog. Don't! Go be yourself. Take up knitting. Get drunk and shoot some pool with your buds. Get the fvck away from the computer. Erase her from your life.
As for me. I don't know how I'm going to do that. She's entwined in my friend group. She's my best friend's girlfriend's best friend. For now. How do I maintain no contact at a house party with less than 10 people? I don't know. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Most likely I'll explain to my friend. And he'll understand when I leave.
I won't be antagonistic. With girls who have "Cluster B" characteristics that's just asking for trouble. How will I react when I see her out with another guy who is thinner, taller, more alpha? I'll be cordial and I'll remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible.
This post deviated a bit from my original intention. I think I told my story and got my point across. I hope this helps somebody. It should help me. And it was a great way to kill an hour sitting in a cold chamber at work.
I'll start this by saying I'm no Don Juan. I'm a recovering AFC at best. Especially since I left my latest LTR of just over a year and a half. I say "left" but in reality I was torn from it kicking and screaming. She had many of the characteristics of a "Cluster B" and suffers from PTSD from an assault she suffered in University.
I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I was well into my study of Don Juandom when I was introduced to her by a friend's girlfriend. I fell into the classic trap. Long story short (because I'm at work on my Blackberry): she called me a "polar bear" because she perceived I was cold and unable to connect emotionally. Over the course of the relationship I reverted to my AFC roots and lost frame control. Then, once we were living together we got into an argument about her not being home. I had made dinner she was going for a "manicure and pedicure" after work and I figured a half hour...maybe 45 minutes she'd be home. No big deal. Two and a half hours later...that was the beginning of the end.
The relationship finally ended in December and I moved out into my own place. Now. After a little more than a month without her (and no contact after about the 10th of December) I'm finally recovering from the mindfvck and other mental and emotional aftermath.
The Pain of No Contact
Guys...it hurts. She was your life and now she's gone. But guess what? She's gone! No more pain, no more heartache. Now use that experience. Take time to mourn the relationship. You need it. Especially as a recovering AFC. The first two weeks were really tough for me. You're going to go through the thoughts about how bad it would actually be if you just sent her a text. Don'! Be a man! Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
A famous test pilot once said "The day I stop learning is the day I stop flying.". The same should be true of your love life. You should learn something new every single day. No matter how trivial. Anybody who says LTR breakups shouldn't affect you is either a psychopath or a first-level thinker. It is completely natural to be affected by the loss of a significant other. But take it for what it is. Learn from the experience.
Were there warning signs for me? There sure were. We broke up earlier in the relationship for 2 weeks. In that time she had already gone and slept with another guy. That should have been it for me. But I was so out of touch with reality and myself that I let it slide. Which leads nicely into my second point.
Be A Man!
Rule number one in any relationship in your life should be "be your best self.". Yeah. We've all heard it. What does it mean? It means acting with integrity. It means being true to yourself: listening to your gut. If you feel like something is wrong...it probably is. You should be the same person no matter who you are interacting with, man, woman, sister, brother, parent. It doesn't matter.
All of this academic bullsh*t we talk about here about frame control and congruency, it means "be your best self." That's it!
At the end of a relationship, look back. Think about the times you were uncomfortable with the way you were being treated. Think about when you let her put herself way above you. Use that information to be a better you in future relationships.
Breaking No Contact
Don't. No matter how much you want to talk to her. To look at her Facebook status, to read her blog. Don't! Go be yourself. Take up knitting. Get drunk and shoot some pool with your buds. Get the fvck away from the computer. Erase her from your life.
As for me. I don't know how I'm going to do that. She's entwined in my friend group. She's my best friend's girlfriend's best friend. For now. How do I maintain no contact at a house party with less than 10 people? I don't know. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Most likely I'll explain to my friend. And he'll understand when I leave.
I won't be antagonistic. With girls who have "Cluster B" characteristics that's just asking for trouble. How will I react when I see her out with another guy who is thinner, taller, more alpha? I'll be cordial and I'll remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible.
This post deviated a bit from my original intention. I think I told my story and got my point across. I hope this helps somebody. It should help me. And it was a great way to kill an hour sitting in a cold chamber at work.
