Why is it when it goes sour she only remembers the bad times?

[Confused]

I understand once a woman has made a decision it's almost impossible for her to change it. I messed up by getting angry with my HB who I been seeing about 8 times, and I lost it cos she forgot. Now it's at a stage where she does not want to see me anymore, and talking to her yesterday you can tell she only remembers the bad times none of the good, why is that?

And can you somehow trigger the good times feeling out of her if I meet up with her again?

 

[Proselytiser]

Shouldn't have 'lost it' but you should def show that you are not to be flaked on. She's now trying to guilt-trip you and hoping you will fold. Don't!

 

[Confused]

The thing is that it's the 3rd time I've lost it with her in total and she's looking at this as a I probably won't change. She doesn't see she's in the wrong because she lives in her own bubble of thoughts and feelings that when I suggested we start with a clean slate she refused and I managed to convince her to give me 1 last shot so at least i know I did everything I could.

I'm frustrated because had I not lost it with her then maybe she'd have realised her errors and felt guilty about it, but by me getting angry on 3 different occasions it justifies her actions. Is it really hopeless?

I feel as if I am in love with this girl and I can't explain it. I've been out with 2 other hot girls in the past week to try to get over her and I still feel the same way about her. It's tragic, I clearly have oneities but I thought it be cured by seeing other girls. Why do I still feel this way about her?

 

[SchoolBoy]

The thing is that it's the 3rd time I've lost it with her in total and she's looking at this as a I probably won't change. She doesn't see she's in the wrong because she lives in her own bubble of thoughts and feelings that when I suggested we start with a clean slate she refused and I managed to convince her to give me 1 last shot so at least i know I did everything I could.

I'm frustrated because had I not lost it with her then maybe she'd have realised her errors and felt guilty about it, but by me getting angry on 3 different occasions it justifies her actions. Is it really hopeless?

I feel as if I am in love with this girl and I can't explain it. I've been out with 2 other hot girls in the past week to try to get over her and I still feel the same way about her. It's tragic, I clearly have oneities but I thought it be cured by seeing other girls. Why do I still feel this way about her?

First off, you shouldn't "lose it" while you're dating, especially at the early stages. You just showed her that she has emotional control over you. Asking her for "1 last shot" is pretty AFC. She flaked on you, so she's the one who should be convincing you for another chance not the other way around. She obviously has you wrapped around her finger. The only way you're gonna save this sinking ship is to give her space and do your own things. Let her come back to you. The more you try to explain to her what she did was wrong the more you're going to repel her.

If you wanted to show her that what she did was wrong, the best approach would be to act distant towards her and unemotional. Until she realizes that you don't accept that type of behavior and is willing to walk away if it continues.

Either way at this point you need to man up and be ready to walk away. If she doesn't come around and realize that she's in the wrong for flaking, then you know she ain't worth your time.

Having oneitis is difficult because you lack the emotional ability to "Walk away" from her. But ironically, that's the same kind of thinking that will eventually push her away as you are doing now. So stop what you are doing, ignore her for a while, and maybe she will come to her senses in missing you.

 

[KontrollerX]

"you can tell she only remembers the bad times none of the good, why is that?"

The bad times from her perspective were both bad enough to make her want to get rid of you in the first place as well she wants to continually be motivated by the bad times so as to not to let you get back into her life.

"And can you somehow trigger the good times feeling out of her if I meet up with her again?"

No.

You can't negotiate desire as Rollo would say.

The only thing that can possibly help in these situations is going absolute no contact with no meetups and no explanations to her.

Cold

No

Contact

Got that?

It is the only possible way you will get a woman to see things differently as women only understand covert unspoken communication from men.

It is the only thing that will possibly jolt her so as to see you differently as cold no contact brings with it sudden "loss" which causes the woman to re-evaluate things of whether she is really emotionally moved on from you yet.

When AFC guys stick around and keep "trying to make it work" this is the time the woman is using the AFC's annoying sticking around "trying to make it work" nature to emotionally move on from him and she uses this time to get disgusted enough by him to remain resolute in her decision.

The AFC ego investment in the idea that sticking around trying new things to "negotiate desire" and "make it work" is what always sinks their battleship and rarely does an AFC ever listen to any of us until its too late and the woman responds to his AFC behavior of "sticking around trying to make it work" just as we told him it would ie with disgust and getting emotionally prepared to move on from the AFC completely leaving him in the dust holding the bag of the broken relationship.

 

[Confused]

"you can tell she only remembers the bad times none of the good, why is that?"

The bad times from her perspective were both bad enough to make her want to get rid of you in the first place as well she wants to continually be motivated by the bad times so as to not to let you get back into her life.

"And can you somehow trigger the good times feeling out of her if I meet up with her again?"

No.

You can't negotiate desire as Rollo would say.

The only thing that can possibly help in these situations is going absolute no contact with no meetups and no explanations to her.

Cold

No

Contact

Got that?

It is the only possible way you will get a woman to see things differently as women only understand covert unspoken communication from men.

It is the only thing that will possibly jolt her so as to see you differently as cold no contact brings with it sudden "loss" which causes the woman to re-evaluate things of whether she is really emotionally moved on from you yet.

When AFC guys stick around and keep "trying to make it work" this is the time the woman is using the AFC's annoying sticking around "trying to make it work" nature to emotionally move on from him and she uses this time to get disgusted enough by him to remain resolute in her decision.

The AFC ego investment in the idea that sticking around trying new things to "negotiate desire" and "make it work" is what always sinks their battleship and rarely does an AFC ever listen to any of us until its too late and the woman responds to his AFC behavior of "sticking around trying to make it work" just as we told him it would ie with disgust and getting emotionally prepared to move on from the AFC completely leaving him in the dust holding the bag of the broken relationship.

Things are so bad now that even if I walk away she won't come back, I feel as if when I see her on Thursday to make her regret her decision, I'll walk away after that because I already ended things last week only to f up and contact her the next day that I regretted my decision.

If it's so bad that she's made her mind up and even if I go away she won't miss me and only focuses on the bad times, would not 1 last good time with me make her doubt her decision?

I'll be out with hot girls the next day so I don't know if that would necessarily make her jealous but it's too late for NC'ing at this stage.. I should have done that last week when I ended it.

The tragic thing is when she kept saying to me yesterday 'you're trying to force me and i dont want to..' i literally was like 'give me 1 hour' if you still feel the same way then i'll walk way, if you want to get rid of me this is how to do it.

I'm just setting myself up for failure..

 

[Confused]

"you can tell she only remembers the bad times none of the good, why is that?"

The bad times from her perspective were both bad enough to make her want to get rid of you in the first place as well she wants to continually be motivated by the bad times so as to not to let you get back into her life.

"And can you somehow trigger the good times feeling out of her if I meet up with her again?"

No.

You can't negotiate desire as Rollo would say.

The only thing that can possibly help in these situations is going absolute no contact with no meetups and no explanations to her.

Cold

No

Contact

Got that?

It is the only possible way you will get a woman to see things differently as women only understand covert unspoken communication from men.

It is the only thing that will possibly jolt her so as to see you differently as cold no contact brings with it sudden "loss" which causes the woman to re-evaluate things of whether she is really emotionally moved on from you yet.

When AFC guys stick around and keep "trying to make it work" this is the time the woman is using the AFC's annoying sticking around "trying to make it work" nature to emotionally move on from him and she uses this time to get disgusted enough by him to remain resolute in her decision.

The AFC ego investment in the idea that sticking around trying new things to "negotiate desire" and "make it work" is what always sinks their battleship and rarely does an AFC ever listen to any of us until its too late and the woman responds to his AFC behavior of "sticking around trying to make it work" just as we told him it would ie with disgust and getting emotionally prepared to move on from the AFC completely leaving him in the dust holding the bag of the broken relationship.

Also if I just kiss her on the next meeting would that jolt any emotions or feelings she had for me previously or would she just be disgusted by me?

Right now walking away won't do anything, I feel kissing her is a last ditch attempt of jolting her emotionally, then walking away.

 

[Confused]

First off, you shouldn't "lose it" while you're dating, especially at the early stages. You just showed her that she has emotional control over you. Asking her for "1 last shot" is pretty AFC. She flaked on you, so she's the one who should be convincing you for another chance not the other way around. She obviously has you wrapped around her finger. The only way you're gonna save this sinking ship is to give her space and do your own things. Let her come back to you. The more you try to explain to her what she did was wrong the more you're going to repel her.

If you wanted to show her that what she did was wrong, the best approach would be to act distant towards her and unemotional. Until she realizes that you don't accept that type of behavior and is willing to walk away if it continues.

Either way at this point you need to man up and be ready to walk away. If she doesn't come around and realize that she's in the wrong for flaking, then you know she ain't worth your time.

Having oneitis is difficult because you lack the emotional ability to "Walk away" from her. But ironically, that's the same kind of thinking that will eventually push her away as you are doing now. So stop what you are doing, ignore her for a while, and maybe she will come to her senses in missing you.

Is it sometimes or ever too late to walk away?

I feel at this point there's nothing I can do to salvage this situation, meeting her 1 last time and having a great time with her then walking away is better than walking away right now. She can't stand me, is fed up with me only has bad feelings. If I didn't think she was special I wouldn't put myself through this torture.

 

[katatonia]

Also if I just kiss her on the next meeting would that jolt any emotions or feelings she had for me previously or would she just be disgusted by me?

Right now walking away won't do anything, I feel kissing her is a last ditch attempt of jolting her emotionally, then walking away.

Are you missing your glasses?

N O C O N T A C T

And yeah contact includes kissing.

:nono:

 

[SchoolBoy]

Things are so bad now that even if I walk away she won't come back, I feel as if when I see her on Thursday to make her regret her decision, I'll walk away after that because I already ended things last week only to f up and contact her the next day that I regretted my decision.

If it's so bad that she's made her mind up and even if I go away she won't miss me and only focuses on the bad times, would not 1 last good time with me make her doubt her decision?

I'll be out with hot girls the next day so I don't know if that would necessarily make her jealous but it's too late for NC'ing at this stage.. I should have done that last week when I ended it.

You should realize that she's the one at the losing end here. You are the prize and you need to walk away NOW. Keep your dignity and self respect.

The more you try to make things "right" is only gonna make it worse. She won't have a "Great time" with you because her attraction towards you is probably at zilch to none.

 

[Confused]

You should realize that she's the one at the losing end here. You are the prize and you need to walk away NOW. Keep your dignity and self respect.

The more you try to make things "right" is only gonna make it worse. She won't have a "Great time" with you because her attraction towards you is probably at zilch to none.

What's weird is that depsite everything she'd come out with some witty funny response yesterday to times we had or stuff I said which made her for a brief moment remember what funny times/convo's we had. Only for a brief moment though.

Does it make a difference whether I NC now or after I see her on Thursday?

I can make her laugh even despite her attraction being low-ish and maybe an action date might help distract her from her bad feelings for me.

 

[SchoolBoy]

What's weird is that depsite everything she'd come out with some witty funny response yesterday to times we had or stuff I said which made her for a brief moment remember what funny times/convo's we had. Only for a brief moment though.

Does it make a difference whether I NC now or after I see her on Thursday?

I can make her laugh even despite her attraction being low-ish and maybe an action date might help distract her from her bad feelings for me.

It makes a difference in a sense that if you want to have a chance at getting her back, you'll cut contact NOW. Nothing good will come out of seeing her Thursday. There's nothing you can do to make it better at the moment. But there are things you CAN do to make it worse. All you can do is no contact. Whether you believe me and the rest of the other posters above is ultimately your choice.

We can't stop you from doing what you want. But we can help you make a logical decision. Right now you're thinking with your emotions and not with logic. That's actually the problem with oneitis, we tend to think with our emotions and discard all logic. But it's up to you to make your own decision.

 

[alphaace]

ok pete101, your getting a little out of hand, i suggest you check yourself in somewhere and stay a while.

 

[Igetit!]

Things are so bad now that even if I walk away she won't come back,

Things are that bad? Well if the situation is that bad,that screwed up,then why would you want to go back to it in the first place?

I feel as if when I see her on Thursday to make her regret her decision,

So how exactly do you plan on making her "regret" her decision not to see you anymore?

If you didn't have enough discipline and self-control not to "lose it" on her,what makes you think you can pull this off?

If it's so bad that she's made her mind up and even if I go away she won't miss me and only focuses on the bad times, would not 1 last good time with me make her doubt her decision?

Schoolboy and Kontroller X both gave you premo advice,yet you don't seem to understand.


Look,women are EMOTIONAL. They go by how they feel.



The reason this girl is only focusing on the bad times is justification.


Like Kontroller said,she zeros in on the bad times for evidence that she made the right decision. She uses them to support the negative feelings she has towards you right now.



It's sort of like when a woman is in a abusive relationship...


The guy beats her,curses at her,cheats on her,puts her down,and inflicts emotional and psychological pain on her,but NOT 24/7.


In between the emotional and physical abuse,they may have a good time or two.



So one day,while she's at the hospital all black and blue from the beating her boyfriend gave her,her family and friends keep telling her to leave him and how there's somebody better out there for her.




Well you know what she does,right? She picks out the good times she's had with him to JUSTIFY her feeling and her decision to stay with him.




She goes by how she feels about the guy.




If she has feelings for him,he could beat her 6 days out of a week,and if someone tried to convince her to leave him,she'd pick out the one day he didn't beat her and focus on that as a reason to stay.




She'd be like,"Well,he doesn't beat me every day".



She's focusing on whatever it was in the relationship that justifies how she feels NOW.




Right now,your girl has negative feelings towards you. So anything you did in the relationship that she didn't like or that hurt her is going to be highlighted.



If you had dated her for 365 days and only had 3 bad days out of the WHOLE YEAR,then those three days is what she's going to focus on,because that's how she feels RIGHT NOW.


The best thing you could do at this point is NO CONTACT.


Stay away from her. Give it a good week or two. Give her emotions a chance to settle down.


Like Schoolboy said,everything you do know is just making things worse.



Every idea you come up with,every word you say to her has the OPPOSITE EFFECT of what you want it to do.




This may be salvageable and it may not.


The best way to tell would be to back off a bit and see how she responds.




My guess would be that after a few days,she'll contact you to "see how you're doing". That's just a guess.




But she can't do that if you're all up in her face trying to make her "regret" not wanting to see you again.



Just back off dude.

 

[Confused]

Things are that bad? Well if the situation is that bad,that screwed up,then why would you want to go back to it in the first place?



So how exactly do you plan on making her "regret" her decision not to see you anymore?

If you didn't have enough discipline and self-control not to "lose it" on her,what makes you think you can pull this off?



Schoolboy and Kontroller X both gave you premo advice,yet you don't seem to understand.


Look,women are EMOTIONAL. They go by how they feel.



The reason this girl is only focusing on the bad times is justification.


Like Kontroller said,she zeros in on the bad times for evidence that she made the right decision. She uses them to support the negative feelings she has towards you right now.



It's sort of like when a woman is in a abusive relationship...


The guy beats her,curses at her,cheats on her,puts her down,and inflicts emotional and psychological pain on her,but NOT 24/7.


In between the emotional and physical abuse,they may have a good time or two.



So one day,while she's at the hospital all black and blue from the beating her boyfriend gave her,her family and friends keep telling her to leave him and how there's somebody better out there for her.




Well you know what she does,right? She picks out the good times she's had with him to JUSTIFY her feeling and her decision to stay with him.




She goes by how she feels about the guy.




If she has feelings for him,he could beat her 6 days out of a week,and if someone tried to convince her to leave him,she'd pick out the one day he didn't beat her and focus on that as a reason to stay.




She'd be like,"Well,he doesn't beat me every day".



She's focusing on whatever it was in the relationship that justifies how she feels NOW.




Right now,your girl has negative feelings towards you. So anything you did in the relationship that she didn't like or that hurt her is going to be highlighted.



If you had dated her for 365 days and only had 3 bad days out of the WHOLE YEAR,then those three days is what she's going to focus on,because that's how she feels RIGHT NOW.


The best thing you could do at this point is NO CONTACT.


Stay away from her. Give it a good week or two. Give her emotions a chance to settle down.


Like Schoolboy said,everything you do know is just making things worse.



Every idea you come up with,every word you say to her has the OPPOSITE EFFECT of what you want it to do.




This may be salvageable and it may not.


The best way to tell would be to back off a bit and see how she responds.




My guess would be that after a few days,she'll contact you to "see how you're doing". That's just a guess.




But she can't do that if you're all up in her face trying to make her "regret" not wanting to see you again.



Just back off dude.

But is it ever too late to administer no contact?

I mean I know the right time should have been last week when I ended things, but then I came grovelling back the next night.

Now I have this meeting with her on Thursday where I want to make her laugh and have a good time, then I walk away. Right now if she is only focusing on the bad times then I have no chance even if I walk away.

IF I see her Thursday THEN walk away after having a good date won't that be more effective?

I don't disagree with the NC thing but I should have done that last week instead of caving in so I feel I need to do this AFTER seeing her 1 more time. Right now the arrangement is that if she wants to get rid of me that's what she has to do, I'm convinced I can turn things around a little bit on Thursday, then if I walk away would that be too late?

Hypothetically, what difference would NC'ing NOW as oppose to meeting her Thursday and having a good final date THEN NC'ing?

I can't guarantee I'll have a good date with her Thursday but from what she told me yesterday 'everything is not fun anymore' in other words I made it all too troublesome and serious and we weren't even in a relationship yet. I don't know if convincing her of being more casual and fun will help change things. It's like her mind is made up.

Also is me practically begging and pleading for 1 final 1 hour meet up to make up for what happened when we never met up in the end just justifying in her mind of her decision?

I can't believe I resorted to that but it seemed necessary to get her to agree to a final meet up.

P.S. What would surprising her by kissing her at the end of the date do (assuming the date has gone better than expected)?

 

[SchoolBoy]

Okay you seem to be dead set to see her thursday and screw it up more. We're all giving you quality advice, but if you don't listen it's your choice. Experience is the best teacher.

We're not here to tell you what you want to hear. We're here to give you the honest truth. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say NO YOU CAN'T TURN IT AROUND BY SEEING HER ON THURSDAY.

It's either you salvage what you can and have a chance at her coming back. Or you can make the AFC choice and see her thursday trying to make her "laugh" and have a "good time". Your choice whether you make the DJ choice or AFC choice.

The difference of doing it now and doing it after Thursday is THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE IT BETTER, ONLY MAKE IT WORSE.

Pleaing and begging will justify her decision guaranteed.

You're best bet is to cancel for thursday and do no contact... have some self-respect man..

 

[Telemear]

The advice your getting on here is sound. The problem is, it is such a simple thing to do by going NO CONTACT it is easy to brush aside and I suspect you feel you have one trick up your sleeve to bring her round again to wanting to be with you.

By giving her no contact will do 2 things for you.

1 - It will give you a break from her and each day you don't communicate you will feel just that little bit better and have slightly less desire to want to pursue her.

2 - IF she still has some interest in you, it will show after a few days and she WILL contact you again.

Simply put, right now you have to assume you won't see or hear from her again, take an emotional break from this situation and focus on what you can control (yourself) and not on what you cannot control (her).

Hope that helps.

 

[Confused]

Okay you seem to be dead set to see her thursday and screw it up more. We're all giving you quality advice, but if you don't listen it's your choice. Experience is the best teacher.

We're not here to tell you what you want to hear. We're here to give you the honest truth. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say NO YOU CAN'T TURN IT AROUND BY SEEING HER ON THURSDAY.

It's either you salvage what you can and have a chance at her coming back. Or you can make the AFC choice and see her thursday trying to make her "laugh" and have a "good time". Your choice whether you make the DJ choice or AFC choice.

The difference of doing it now and doing it after Thursday is THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE IT BETTER, ONLY MAKE IT WORSE.

Pleaing and begging will justify her decision guaranteed.

You're best bet is to cancel for thursday and do no contact... have some self-respect man..

Can you please tell me why seeing her on Thursday THEN doing NC will only make it worse?

I'm sorry if I'm not getting it but I need justification why what I am going to do wil not work rather than just being told that it will only make it worse.

Can you please give me a scenario of what is likely to happen if I go see her when she's already made her mind up state?

Things are so bad right now that I don't think doing anything NC'ing or otherwise will work unless I manage to pull a rabbit out of a hat on Thursday and remind her of why she liked me in the first place.

Ok I agree NC'ing works but I feel I am too far gone for this to work at this stage. She won't come back even if I NC now so does it really make a difference whether I NC now or after Thursday? I am pretty sure I can have a good time with her Thursday.

I just don't see how NC'ing now will make her miss me, when she passes by me from a distance she'll wave but will have this look of 'oh no not him again' avoiding me.

 

[Eternal87]

Can you please tell me why seeing her on Thursday THEN doing NC will only make it worse?

I'm sorry if I'm not getting it but I need justification why what I am going to do wil not work rather than just being told that it will only make it worse.

Can you please give me a scenario of what is likely to happen if I go see her when she's already made her mind up state?

This is SchoolBoy responding, due to maximum posts allowed.

It won't work because NOTHING you do will increase interest. I can't give you a scenario simply because I can't fortune tell or read the future. But what I can say is, whatever you have planned whether it be to beg, plea, make her feel like old times, make her feel like you DESERVE her, act ****y/funny etc... Whatever it is, it's not going to work because she's not interested. When a woman is attracted to a guy and has high IL, everything he does it attractive and cool. But when a woman has low IL or is unattracted, everything you do is lame and unattractive.

It will make it worse because by seeing her at all on Thursday, you're showing neediness and desperation. Whether you show it or not on the actual day. It's already implied when you begged her to see you. I know you feel like you need closure, but you need to learn some self control.

She made it clear to you that she's not interested. The fact that you keep clinging around her like a puppy dog is not only disrespectful to her decision but disrespectful to YOURSELF. You don't need to get her back, she will come back if she wants to.

The problem with people who have oneitis is that they feel as though they need to CONTROL the situation and the woman. This is due to fear, when people fear, they feel the need to control. And your actions are very controlling trying to sway her decision to be with you. Just let it go and let her have some time to think. She may even miss you within that time. But you need to stop the neediness and clingyness.

You getting mad at her was enough for her to wanna leave. It was your way of trying to control the situation and her behavior. she obviously doesn't like it. And you think another controlling act will change her opinion about you?

Quit trying to control the situation and learn to control yourself. Once you understand that, you'll be on your way.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

NEXT.

Sorry son, but if you're at a point where no contact will just make her exit quicker, then more contact wont do much else. And even if it did, is it really worth the effort? You're frustrated by all this because you lack other (better) options. This is the primary function of spinning plates.

All of what you've related here indicates you have a scarcity mentality. It's in the tone of your language and the words you choose; you should NEVER be afraid to "lose" a girl. You've accepted responsibility for a failure by default. If you are the PRIZE it is ALWAYS her loss. There is no failure, only results. They may not be the results you desired, but the only way to fail is not to learn from them.

Your only choice now is how you choose to exit; on your feet like a Man, or begging her on your knees like a chump. It's up to you.