Why does it feel like I'm constantly being disrespected

[ThunderMaverick]

I''ve been in an almost 4 month relationship with a girl I was friends with for a year or so prior. Great chemistry. We're very honest with each other. Like most of the same things and grew up in similar ways. Everything is fine except for the orbiters...

A couple of months ago she had a photography shoot with a guy who ties people up (it's a fetish thing) and I escorted her to the shoot. The guy was flirting with her and on a few occasions pulled her hair. It didn't bother her at the time but I was enraged. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to mess the shoot up. I told her after and she ended up telling the guy that it was disrespectful to me. He apologized to her (not me) and said it wouldn't happen again. Keep in mind also the guy was writing in his photo comment of her that she reminded him of his ex girlfriend he "use to have a lot of fun with. but that's another story".

That's always stayed in my mind.

Yesterday when I was leaving her place she said her ex boyfriend of 5 years was going to pick her up and they were going to go to the mall. This threw me for a loop because she tells me at the last minute and she wouldn't have told me if I didn't ask.

I told her I was uncomfortable with it because of their history (abuse, etc) and was just going to leave when he showed up. But I decided to call them back and hang with them at the mall.

Me and the ex ended up talking for a couple of hours and everything was cool He's a changed person and really just a friend from what I could see.

A few minutes ago I get a text of what her plans are for today. She's hanging out with the photo guy who pulled her hair. Apparently he's buying her lunch.

I just texted her back "okay" and didn't really think about it. NOW I'm thinking about it. I'm trying my best to see from her perspective (after all that's what couples do to stay together) but it's really hard to swallow knowing that the guy is really attracted to her AND buying her lunch. If the guy had no testicles and didn't see her in a sexual light I wouldn't have a problem with it. But he knows and SHE knows.

Due to abuse she's had a hard time defending herself against people and that's what worries me more than anything. I saw this guy display dominance over her and she didn't fight back. Now he's treating her to lunch. I don't want to think about this ****, that's why I'm asking...

what do you guys think I should do? I have a few things in mind, but I don't want to overreact.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Could really use some advice guys. My mind is going 100 miles a minute.

 

[iqqi]

Whatever dude.

My first impulse was to yell at you to stop getting into relationships with LOSERS and terrible quality h0's.

But at this point it is just plain and clear that you like the abuse. You have been here waaay too long to be in a mess like this without it really being something deeper and more serious. If you ever want to end this cycle of being an AFC to superficial and f'd up women you may want to consider getting help, and I mean that as a friend. Otherwise, enjoy the pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi0Jmdrx0wM

YOU ARE DISRESPECTING YOURSELF.

 

[thedude4242]

dude you got over 1,600 posts and all them green feedback lights. has the site no taught you anything?

be confident in your everyday life and in your decisions.

in my opinion this is some bullsh!t. this is disrepesctful and you have to put your foot down from the begininng and have an intimidating type force over them. you got make the women think at all times if she bring something up to you, you dont like you will make her feel inferrior or afraid of being made into a fool.

me persoanlly I would tell her like it is. what did she say when you talked to her? you should have already told her how it was. not in some sissy way were she persuades you into having things here way.

this just goes to show that you can have all the posts you want on this forum and have all the credit you want, but you still dont know what you are doing. looking at your posts and profile you should be getting women and having them beg for you.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Like I said dude this is a different situation. I made the choice to be with an abused person thinking I could make her better in some way..

Maybe I could have, but hanging it with exes and having people buy you lunch when they want to f*ck you. It's a bother. It makes me angry, actually. And she should f*cking know better. I can't keep threatening to break up with her (done it a few times already) I mean if I do this will have to be it. I'm at work right now and I'm thinking all of these negative thoughts. I'm f*cking distracted.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

:double Post::

 

[guru1000]

Yo Thunder,

NEXT her today; do not take her back under any circumstance.

 

[SoldMySoul]

dude you got over 1,600 posts and all them green feedback lights. has the site no taught you anything?

All of what you stated is true, but in Thunder's defense, I would like to add this: He probably is like me and many others. He is great at giving advice and knowing what to do, but when WE are going through things personally, we sometimes are too close to it to make rational decisions.

Ease up on him as this situation seems to be bothering him tremendously and he asked for advice! Thunder, always do what is best for you..... You have to ask yourself, "Am I getting what I want from this relationship? Is her behavior crossing the line enough to walk away for good? Do I deserve what is happening and how would she feel if I were disrespecting her?" Once you have addressed all of those issues then it should be ostensible on your course of action.

 

[5string]

Thunder.....I absolutely garan f'n tee you that there is much more going on here with these other guys and you know it don't you? She's rubbing this in your face bigtime and disrespecting you in a huge way.

She's bad news. Next her asap and maintain radio silence. DO IT! This story just p!sses me off.

 

[5string]

All of what you stated is true, but in Thunder's defense, I would like to add this: He probably is like me and many others. He is great at giving advice and knowing what to do, but when WE are going through things personally, we sometimes are too close to it to make rational decisions.

Ease up on him as this situation seems to be bothering him tremendously and he asked for advice! Thunder, always do what is best for you..... You have to ask yourself, "Am I getting what I want from this relationship? Is her behavior crossing the line enough to walk away for good? Do I deserve what is happening and how would she feel if I were disrespecting her?" Once you have addressed all of those issues then it should be ostensible on your course of action.

This is true. I was probably being a bit harsh. You are right, easier to give advice than to take that of others.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

God what is with these double post??

 

[ThunderMaverick]

SINCE I'VE REACHED MY POST LIMIT TODAY I'LL BE RESPONDING THROUGH EDITS ON THIS POST

It's a really funky situation that just got weirder. I asked her why she's going out with him and she says (among other things) that's she's testing herself to be more assertive. I said before she's been abused in the past and she has a hard time saying no. There was a situation where she got taken advantage of a month or so ago and the guy (photographer) kept trying to contact her. I threatened to ruin his rep if he kept calling and sure enough after that email he ceased all contact.

It's funny, I've been with good girls who didn't live a lifestyle like this and they were some of the most back biting dishonest lying by omission kind of people. It's not like this with my girlfriend. She tells me everything. She's herself around me and she doesn't want to disappoint me. I love her, I really do. But maybe she's too far gone as far as her previous abuse.

I wouldn't bother if I felt we hand no kind of connection. She wouldn't be anything to me and I wouldn't bother staying with her, let alone get into a relationship.

Message over facebook:

Me: Why are you going out with him?

Her: Free lunch (she's really REALLY broke and almost homeless)/ a test for myself. I can't be with you if i can't be more assertive. It's not fair to depend on you so much. I know i can do this and be ok


Me:Wait WHAT?! Baby...I don't need you putting yourself in a compromising situation for me to trust you. I. TRUST. YOU. I don't trust HIM.

Me:Is there more to this? Did you contact him or did he contact you? Did you want to shoot with him agian?


Her: No just lunch. I need to trust myself. I need to not be afraid anymore. As far as shoots go i don't have any planned for the time being


Me:Knowing that he's attracted to you and wants to **** you why would you put yourself in a situation like this?? I don't need you to do that. God...If you feel really uncomfortable call me. Let me know what happens. I love you. :/


Her:Because there will always be ppl like that. I need to be able to handle it. You wont always be there



EDIT: No I don't think she's cheating on me because there are blatant signs of it. Her interest level has always been through the roof since we've met. She cancels plans for me if I push. She always takes my calls and she's always available when I want her. She's never flaked or cancelled our plans. She's done everything I've told her to do. In that respect she is a good girl.

I've been on this site too long to NOT know the signs of cheating. My problem is her hanging out with people who want to f*ck her and being okay with that. I'm not okay with it. Orbiters will always try to cause a rift or plant seeds of doubt...or money. Lot's of money.



EDIT: @ WARRIOR That's the thing - She has no family who is well off enough to help her out. She had to leave her place because her half retarded (literally) brother attacked her. They live in the freaking ghetto and can't even help themselves. She's been trying to get out of that situation for a while now. I understand because I've been there too, so a big part of me empathizes with her. She's not the same as a lot of women out here.

You're right though - it doesn't make sense putting our relationship at risk like this
by her going to have lunch with this guy. It might not be the only reason she's going to lunch with him either. I am aware.

I wouldn't bother if i didn't think she was worth it. The question is, is if I want to continue going through this over and over while she never changes or doesn't change fast enough for me.

If it gets to a point where my life is heavily affected I'll walk away. I'm not at the point yet. My antennas are standing straight up though.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Thunder, what she is failing to tell is that she LOVES THE ATTENTION!!!!! They all do! Whether or not she is going to let him have the golden taco.... well that is certainly debatable.

TRUST
COMMUNICATION
RESPECT

is all hard to come by these days. I have trust issues out the a$$, but it keeps me protected. I want to make damn sure who I am placing my trust in is worthy of the trust.

 

[DJDamage]

You are putting up with bullsh1t from day 1 because you are making excuses for her supposed claim of victimhood.

This chick is messed up in the head and you are giving her a free pass each time because of it.

If you don't end this relationship soon, this chick will do it for you when she swings to another branch first and then inform you about it via "lets just be friends" line.

 

[synergy1]

dating girls 101: don't tolerate disrespect bro. I wouldn't allow a girl im dating to go out to lunch with another guy, especially if he pulled that crap in my presence. If its an old friend or something to a similar effect, doesn't matter.

So lets say I want to get better at sex. You think it would be acceptable to tell the gf that I need to practice on other girls? That **** won't fly, and you know it. Be a man, step up and put her in her place. Shape up or ship out.

(Its so easy for people to post advice, but dubious situations like this show that some advice givers aught to hold back. help yourselves first)

 

[IronStar]

I'd say dont sweat it, shes young (I guess?) & a bit green behind the ears..if I hadnt read this.

..she's had a hard time defending herself against people and that's what worries me more than anything.

Your guts are all bunched up because of this. Part of you knows you should just get out now, its not a good situation for you & your in a little deeper than you feel comfortable with. Other part of you connects with the girl, and you feel responsible for her, cut her loose now & you know your pretty much throwing her to the wolves, 'cause shes not strong enough to fight them off.

Maybe she cant set her own boundaries, she doesnt seem aware of yours, thats for sure.

If your going to stick with her, expect more of the same here on in.

 

[Warrior74]

She has a hard time saying no, but she needs to be more assertive, so instead of saying no she says yes?

So she's dead broke and instead of going to family, friends or her boyfriend (or getting a job) she accepts lunch with an ex?

I see two flags on the field without even trying.

Her: No just lunch. I need to trust myself. I need to not be afraid anymore. As far as shoots go i don't have any planned for the time being

If she respected herself and her relationship she wouldn't even put herself in that situation. No need to test. So what happens if she fails and doesn't keep the trust?

Dude. You tried to wife up an abused, self involved, alternate lifestyle (tying up and choking?) chic and trying to treat her like the girl next door. Just stop man. Come on. You know what she is, stop playing.

 

[zekko]

Her interest level has always been through the roof since we've met.

Yeah, her interest level for going to lunch with bondage photographers and going to the mall with ex-boyfriends.
Why are you putting up with this garbage? And her excuses are more than laughable.

Do yourself a favor and find a higher quality woman (which shouldn't be difficult considering what you have now).
And I would take a good long look at myself and try to figure out why exactly I allowed this to happen.

 

[5string]

OK, had to come back to this with some other thoughts.

I don't have anything to back this up, but I think I have read that many women who are abused when younger, gravitate to that very same abuse when older. True? Seems possible to me. Just like the gal who gets smacked around by a guy, presses charges and then makes up with the guy, then the charges are dropped and they go through it again. It's a cycle. I stand by my advice to Thunder.

And here is another thing to think about. These guys know she's Thunders girl but they still hit on her and call her for lunch dates. We all know what they are after and so does she. Thunder is bothered by this and rightfully so. Point is that many guys think it's ok to pursue a taken woman. See what's happening to the boyfriend (Thunder)? He is being hurt by both his girls behavior and that of other men who know she's spoken for.

If this were my girl, I'd dump her faster than a prom dress falls off.

Lastly, I'd just like to say that I don't want him to get hurt. I wish him the best.

 

[5string]

Freekin double post.