Why do I not find my wife attractive?

[TheCharmingGuy]

If you like a woman, you will find her attractive as a result. It’s better to find someone attractive because you love them than to love someone because you find them attractive. It sounds like this guy didn’t do either of those, so he must either be gay, a troll, an idiot, or very, very confused.
Sorry dude. You’re a basket case.

 

[Plinco]

If you like a woman, you will find her attractive as a result. It’s better to find someone attractive because you love them than to love someone because you find them attractive.

If I read that correctly, it sounds like a lack of experience on your part. I want you to clarify these two sentences again

 

[Plinco]

If you don't find this woman attractive, why on earth did you marry her?

Let me explain this in a different way:

My logical, forward thinking part of my brain did all of the thinking, my d!k did no part of the decision making process. I know that sounds insane, but I can sometimes make something 'work on paper' but I don't take all of the variables into account. I never thought that my d!k wouldn't like a reasonably attractive girl

 

[Plinco]

does she like to get oral? to be rimmed? anal? Tied up?

Ever drugged her? does she like whisky?

try new things. This can be revived! You've just got to spice things up for both of you.

Till death do us part.

I'm aggressive in bed, and like to smack women around a little bit. My kind of girl would get wet from that, but my wife doesn't enjoy that very much. We are exploring different possibilities. She's tying on new outfits as I type this.

 

[SirBigBell]

OP, sorry bro but I think you are missing a trick here. You are seeing an opportunity as a problem and you need to fix that fast.
If i understood you well, you married a religious virgin who had zero sexual experience. Effectively you married a clean slate, a blank untainted canvass. You are failing to realise therefore that you are the artist who needs to mould and shape her into the masterpiece you desire.

Your sexual appetites are aroused by traits common in sexually experienced women, i.e women who have been rammed by a couple of dudes. Instead of viewing your blank canvass as an opportunity to create a customised one-off from the ground up, you’re pining for canvasses already painted over by multiple artists.

With the patience of a primary school teacher, you can slowly coach and develop her into the woman of your dreams. Sometimes we dont get the outcomes we want because we are giving wrong or poorly timed instructions. Sometimes its not what we say, but how we say it.

Think about it. This is a good opportunity to create a true original

 

[spikeanut]

OP, sorry bro but I think you are missing a trick here. You are seeing an opportunity as a problem and you need to fix that fast.
If i understood you well, you married a religious virgin who had zero sexual experience. Effectively you married a clean slate, a blank untainted canvass. You are failing to realise therefore that you are the artist who needs to mould and shape her into the masterpiece you desire.

Your sexual appetites are aroused by traits common in sexually experienced women, i.e women who have been rammed by a couple of dudes. Instead of viewing your blank canvass as an opportunity to create a customised one-off from the ground up, you’re pining for canvasses already painted over by multiple artists.

With the patience of a primary school teacher, you can slowly coach and develop her into the woman of your dreams. Sometimes we dont get the outcomes we want because we are giving wrong or poorly timed instructions. Sometimes its not what we say, but how we say it.

Think about it. This is a good opportunity to create a true original

100% agree. This is a blessing in disguise OP; now you and her both can explore your mutual likes. If you can't get it up, then that's more of a mental issue with you. If you are still watching porn, I would advise against it for a while. Realize that you can mold your virgin wife into someone who caters directly and only to your tastes.

 

[spikeanut]

Also OP, some after-thoughts, if your wife is not feeling aroused enough during attempted sex, then the issue is you, not her. Remember, she is the blank slate, meaning she does not have any aversions or dislikes for any particular sex act; likewise she doesn't not have any preferences. She doesn't know what she is missing out on. It is your job, as the experienced partner, and as the husband, to teach her what is enjoyable.

I say this from experience with a complete virgin a couple years ago, and also numerous anal virgins that I've been lucky enough to break. First couple times for sex were not enjoyable for either of us. I had to stop and realize that she didn't yet know what is enjoyable and I had the opportunity to teach her the things I liked. It's just like introducing someone to anal. If you are extremely rough and cause pain the first time; they won't want to ever do it again. However, if you focus on them, ensure they are well lubed, and they orgasm from it...they'll want to do it everytime. By the time I was done with my virgin; she was submissive in every facet of the word when it came to sex. I invested extra time on her enjoyment every time I introduced a new position, or hole, or toy. But after that initial investment; it was all about me. Sex with her, and the anal virgins, became some of the most arousing for me; not one because everything they did was geared towards my direct preferences since that's all they knew, but knowing they owed all their sexual experience and joy to me was intoxicating. GL OP, again, this sounds more like a mental hurdle that only you need to overcome.

 

[Plinco]

Also OP, some after-thoughts, if your wife is not feeling aroused enough during attempted sex, then the issue is you, not her. Remember, she is the blank slate, meaning she does not have any aversions or dislikes for any particular sex act; likewise she doesn't not have any preferences. She doesn't know what she is missing out on. It is your job, as the experienced partner, and as the husband, to teach her what is enjoyable.

I say this from experience with a complete virgin a couple years ago, and also numerous anal virgins that I've been lucky enough to break. First couple times for sex were not enjoyable for either of us. I had to stop and realize that she didn't yet know what is enjoyable and I had the opportunity to teach her the things I liked. It's just like introducing someone to anal. If you are extremely rough and cause pain the first time; they won't want to ever do it again. However, if you focus on them, ensure they are well lubed, and they orgasm from it...they'll want to do it everytime. By the time I was done with my virgin; she was submissive in every facet of the word when it came to sex. I invested extra time on her enjoyment every time I introduced a new position, or hole, or toy. But after that initial investment; it was all about me. Sex with her, and the anal virgins, became some of the most arousing for me; not one because everything they did was geared towards my direct preferences since that's all they knew, but knowing they owed all their sexual experience and joy to me was intoxicating. GL OP, again, this sounds more like a mental hurdle that only you need to overcome.

With the few virgins I had been with before, I did not have this problem. The virgin I'm with now is the first time where she was totally not sexualized even by a little bit.

 

[Grinderman]

With the few virgins I had been with before, I did not have this problem. The virgin I'm with now is the first time where she was totally not sexualized even by a little bit.

WHERE THE FVCK ARE YOU GETTING THESE VIRGINS FROM????!!!

i'd sign up to that app.

 

[bat soup]

Let me explain this in a different way:

My logical, forward thinking part of my brain did all of the thinking, my d!k did no part of the decision making process. I know that sounds insane, but I can sometimes make something 'work on paper' but I don't take all of the variables into account. I never thought that my d!k wouldn't like a reasonably attractive girl

You always have to listen to the boss

 

[Plinco]

WHERE THE FVCK ARE YOU GETTING THESE VIRGINS FROM????!!!

i'd sign up to that app.

haha)

One I met at a high school dance (while I was in hs), Homecoming, I was 17 and she was 16. Another I met at work, I was 23 and she was 18. Third was at work and I was 30 and she was 18

also, before I get __ thrown at me, all three were ready and willing.

 

[TheCharmingGuy]

If I read that correctly, it sounds like a lack of experience on your part. I want you to clarify these two sentences again

So I’m confused... reading this thread it sounds like everyone who gives you advice, you respond to them and try to shut down what they said. Don’t ask for advice and then attack and slander the person giving it. If you don’t want to take the advice, just move on. I’m a stranger, you aren’t forced to value my opinion.

That being said, what I meant by those sentences was: If you like a woman for any sort of personality-based reason at all, her physical attractiveness will go up about 1 or 2 points on the 1-10 scale. I know because I have dated girls of about equal attractiveness (according to other people whom I asked), but I thought that the ones I spent LTR’s with were more attractive than the ones I spent 1 or 2 dates with. The point is, if you get in a LTR with a woman, she will naturally become more attractive to you (as long as you actually care about her and aren’t just using her for sex).

Once again, man, if you don’t want my advice, just don’t take it. It is your loss. Contrary to your opinion, I am not inexperienced. I am also not an idiot. This sounds like some insecure trolling to me.

 

[Plinco]

So I’m confused... reading this thread it sounds like everyone who gives you advice, you respond to them and try to shut down what they said. Don’t ask for advice and then attack and slander the person giving it. If you don’t want to take the advice, just move on. I’m a stranger, you aren’t forced to value my opinion.

That being said, what I meant by those sentences was: If you like a woman for any sort of personality-based reason at all, her physical attractiveness will go up about 1 or 2 points on the 1-10 scale. I know because I have dated girls of about equal attractiveness (according to other people whom I asked), but I thought that the ones I spent LTR’s with were more attractive than the ones I spent 1 or 2 dates with. The point is, if you get in a LTR with a woman, she will naturally become more attractive to you (as long as you actually care about her and aren’t just using her for sex).

Once again, man, if you don’t want my advice, just don’t take it. It is your loss. Contrary to your opinion, I am not inexperienced. I am also not an idiot. This sounds like some insecure trolling to me.

bro, relax

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why would you get married then? You are living a lie. I suggest you be honest with yourself, get a divorce and find someone more to your liking.

 

[Barrister]

I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

• Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
• Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
• They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
• Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
• Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
• I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)

Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

• She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
• The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
• She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
• During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.

Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.

You’ve done a good deal of self-reflection which is a positive. Not to be flippant, but why exactly did you marry her? She seems to lack almost everything you want.

 

[FuzzX]

I started talking about this thread last night with my wife while I was banging her, she thinks I don't like her anymore... lol

 

[DonJuanjr]

FuzzX is playing ultimate dread games with his wife!

 

[Serenity]

OP, sorry bro but I think you are missing a trick here. You are seeing an opportunity as a problem and you need to fix that fast.
If i understood you well, you married a religious virgin who had zero sexual experience. Effectively you married a clean slate, a blank untainted canvass. You are failing to realise therefore that you are the artist who needs to mould and shape her into the masterpiece you desire.

Your sexual appetites are aroused by traits common in sexually experienced women, i.e women who have been rammed by a couple of dudes. Instead of viewing your blank canvass as an opportunity to create a customised one-off from the ground up, you’re pining for canvasses already painted over by multiple artists.

With the patience of a primary school teacher, you can slowly coach and develop her into the woman of your dreams. Sometimes we dont get the outcomes we want because we are giving wrong or poorly timed instructions. Sometimes its not what we say, but how we say it.

Think about it. This is a good opportunity to create a true original

This!

My wife was also a virgin when I met her, but unlike OP we had sex one month after first meeting (nobody on this forum would have that patience, lol). She had no clue about sex and hadn't even masturbated, ever! So I had to teach her everything and obviously the sex wasn't amazing or anything fancy at first. She enjoyed it, hard not to enjoy a good orgasm though. Over time I added something new to her, like various positions, different places in the house, mixing up foreplay etc. I remember oral was a bit tricky, she was very hesitant, but I told her to at least try it first and if it's really that bad then we'll never do it again. Well, I'm getting BJ's all the time now.

Today she's the perfect partner in bed for me, she does everything I want and genuinely enjoys it. All through coaching and positive reinforcement.

She too was shy about her body and such to begin with, I too could have said she has issues and called it a day. Instead I showed that I loved her body both through actions and words, guess what, she has no issues with her body when around me. Now she acts confident, sexy and attractive towards me, but this wasn't always so, it's a result of how I responded to her.

I told her many times over a couple of years to let me know if she has any ideas she wants to try out in bed. I also told her to stop asking about sex and instead just put her hands on my d!ck by surprise, because I find that incredibly hot. Both those things have taken a lot of time, I just kept reinforcing that I'd like that a lot (no pressure) and one day she just started doing it.

Point is, it can take a very long time with women who didn't burn their virginity ASAP.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Sorry to hear this man. I started to feel like a roommate with my ex wife (only married 3 years). We rarely had sex. I always wanted to but there was always an excuse (tired, depression, no libido, getting help to try to figure out why she 'just isn't in the mood ever', etc.) TBH it was a major fuucking drag for a 24 year old me to come to the realization. After 3 years I just couldn't take it (throw in her cheating on me too), but my point being - if you're not happy it's OK to get divorced. My mom said this exact quote to me and that was all it took to make me realize that I did not want to compromise MY life or MY happiness anymore for a woman that was not giving me her best effort.

Although I had sex with my ex wife before I married her, we did not live together (religious custom with her family - Catholic; Puerto Rican) so I can empathize with you in a sense that you didn't really know what you were walking in to.

Trust me when I say this: the first steps of making the decision to get divorced and having that conversation with your wife are the toughest. But one year from then you'll be looking back and thanking yourself that you did it.... for YOU.

 

[spikeanut]

Sorry to hear this man. I started to feel like a roommate with my ex wife (only married 3 years). We rarely had sex. I always wanted to but there was always an excuse (tired, depression, no libido, getting help to try to figure out why she 'just isn't in the mood ever', etc.) TBH it was a major fuucking drag for a 24 year old me to come to the realization. After 3 years I just couldn't take it (throw in her cheating on me too), but my point being - if you're not happy it's OK to get divorced. My mom said this exact quote to me and that was all it took to make me realize that I did not want to compromise MY life or MY happiness anymore for a woman that was not giving me her best effort.

Sorry NewStyle, but the issue with your case isn't because she had low libido...it was because she had low libido with you. The fact she cheated on you should have been the reason for your divorce, not all the other things you identified. This is not the same as the OP's case of being married 1 year with a virgin wife. His is still salvageable, whereas yours was dead in the water the moment she cheated. All those excuses your ex-wife gave you through the years, indicates to me she was probably cheating then as well. You should be glad to have such a toxic woman out of your life and it should have been a very easy conversation to have once she cheated.