Why do I not find my wife attractive?

[RickTheToad]

I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

• Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
• Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
• They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
• Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
• Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
• I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)

Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

• She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
• The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
• She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
• During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.

Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.

Seems to be you then, not her. Have you gone to a therapist to help figure out what's going on in your own head?

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Sorry NewStyle, but the issue with your case isn't because she had low libido...it was because she had low libido with you. The fact she cheated on you should have been the reason for your divorce, not all the other things you identified. This is not the same as the OP's case of being married 1 year with a virgin wife. His is still salvageable, whereas yours was dead in the water the moment she cheated. All those excuses your ex-wife gave you through the years, indicates to me she was probably cheating then as well. You should be glad to have such a toxic woman out of your life and it should have been a very easy conversation to have once she cheated.

Don't be sorry man - you're right! Looking back I know that it wasn't anything except the fact that she just didn't want to fuuck me. And yeah, once I found out it was pretty easy to eject from the marriage hahaha.

 

[DonJuanjr]

It worked out to your advantage. Your peak smv years are ahead of you, and you are not saddled down.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Sorry to hear this man. I started to feel like a roommate with my ex wife (only married 3 years). We rarely had sex. I always wanted to but there was always an excuse (tired, depression, no libido, getting help to try to figure out why she 'just isn't in the mood ever', etc.) TBH it was a major fuucking drag for a 24 year old me to come to the realization. After 3 years I just couldn't take it (throw in her cheating on me too), but my point being - if you're not happy it's OK to get divorced. My mom said this exact quote to me and that was all it took to make me realize that I did not want to compromise MY life or MY happiness anymore for a woman that was not giving me her best effort.

Although I had sex with my ex wife before I married her, we did not live together (religious custom with her family - Catholic; Puerto Rican) so I can empathize with you in a sense that you didn't really know what you were walking in to.

Trust me when I say this: the first steps of making the decision to get divorced and having that conversation with your wife are the toughest. But one year from then you'll be looking back and thanking yourself that you did it.... for YOU.

The no sex part is a big deal. Even a few feminist i know mentioned its bull chit. They don't have to do it, but if they give two chits they can do it even if it wasn't their idea.

 

[FuzzX]

You should post a pic of said wife so that we can all weigh in. Perhaps its not you at all. Otherwise your wife sounds just like my wife, from your description it sounds like they have a lot in common.

My wife, when not at work, is in PJs within 30 seconds of arriving home.
Within 2 minutes she is watching Chinese TV.
She can even fall asleep 10 minutes after getting home.
She has no friends except my mom and the cat.
I tell her once in awhile that she's fat, just to keep her on her toes.

Sometimes I think her 14 hour work days might be too much.... then I remember, we get 50% off chicken tendies.

 

[Ricky]

This is interesting.
I'd suggest you not give up, but also be sure not to have kids until you are certain.
She must have had alot of other good qualities.

 

[Clamslammer]

I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

• Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
• Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
• They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
• Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
• Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
• I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)

Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

• She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
• The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
• She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
• During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.

Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.

You never found her sexually attractive from the beginning. You likely settled because it was comfortable just like most people do thus the high divorce rate. Normally this happens to girls thus why they initiate most divorces as they settle because they are about to hit the wall. In your case it is you who settled. It is up to you what you want to do going forward as it is your life. Either get divorced and find someone that blows your mind from a physical and emotional level or just remain in the relationship. The risk you take divorcing is you may not find another person ever hence the initial reason you married her and settled.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

The no sex part is a big deal. Even a few feminist i know mentioned its bull chit. They don't have to do it, but if they give two chits they can do it even if it wasn't their idea.

Absolutely agree with this. Withholding sex from your partner is just wrong. I always thought to myself “ok, you don’t want to. Whatever. Can you at least throw me a freaking bone here?” Major red flags to look out for in my next LTR

 

[Plinco]

Although I had sex with my ex wife before I married her, we did not live together (religious custom with her family - Catholic; Puerto Rican) so I can empathize with you in a sense that you didn't really know what you were walking in to.

Yes my situation was similar. I made a lot of assumptions of what I was getting myself into based on my past experiences. The problem is, for better or worse, she's not at all like girls that I have been with before, which led to the self reflection that you see in my original post.

 

[Plinco]

Seems to be you then, not her. Have you gone to a therapist to help figure out what's going on in your own head?

Yes I did, waste of money.

 

[Plinco]

You never found her sexually attractive from the beginning. You likely settled because it was comfortable just like most people do thus the high divorce rate. Normally this happens to girls thus why they initiate most divorces as they settle because they are about to hit the wall. In your case it is you who settled. It is up to you what you want to do going forward as it is your life. Either get divorced and find someone that blows your mind from a physical and emotional level or just remain in the relationship. The risk you take divorcing is you may not find another person ever hence the initial reason you married her and settled.

It was bad judgment on my part. I'm going to try to salvage the situation and make it work in my favor, if not then I'm afraid divorce is inevitable.

 

[Lookatu]

It was bad judgment on my part.

I still can't believe you've been on here since 2008 and make judgements like that? LOL
What drugs were you on bro? j/k
Good Luck whichever way it goes.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

• Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
• Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
• They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
• Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
• Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
• I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)

Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

• She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
• The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
• She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
• During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.

Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.

Maybe if you ****ed her correctly a half dozen times it'll ignite her sexualized self and raise her body confidence. What are you feeding her mind? Sometimes we gotta put some work into things.

 

[RickTheToad]

Yes I did, waste of money.

Sorry to hear that. Therapists are a dime a dozen. However, there are good one's out there.. Just finding one is the big problem.

 

[Clamslammer]

Maybe if you ****ed her correctly a half dozen times it'll ignite her sexualized self and raise her body confidence. What are you feeding her mind? Sometimes we gotta put some work into things.

He didn't find her attractive from the get go so no amount of f'ing her is going to do anything. When you are highly attracted to a girl her just sitting by you makes you little guy tingle.

When people say looks don't matter are full of it and just settled. I am a firm believer that you need both attraction and a connection for a long-term successful relationship. You cannot just have one or else you eventually get what OP is feeling.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

He didn't find her attractive from the get go so no amount of f'ing her is going to do anything. When you are highly attracted to a girl her just sitting by you makes you little guy tingle.

When people say looks don't matter are full of it and just settled. I am a firm believer that you need both attraction and a connection for a long-term successful relationship. You cannot just have one or else you eventually get what OP is feeling.

She needs to be attractive enough to cause lust

 

[Plinco]

So after reading this carefully, I can now summarize the questions to be:

Can she cause enough lust in me to get her started?

Is she going to be open to my advances as an aggressor (is she really a blank slate)?

 

[Plinco]

You should post a pic of said wife so that we can all weigh in. Perhaps its not you at all. Otherwise your wife sounds just like my wife, from your description it sounds like they have a lot in common.

This is her

 

[Plinco]

Here are also two of my more recent ex's

 

[FuzzX]

This is her

Are you from some specific religion or something... I just read the last pile of pages. Dude, there is a huge chunk of missing story here that you're not telling us.

Is she Asian, anyway she looks like a nice girl. I bet she looks better with makeup. Stick her in D.VA's uniform. Change it up a bit.
You guys need to go on an adventure together, really. Sex is not all about 'attractiveness', my gf carried me down 5 flights of stairs and hauled me into the back of an ambulance by hand, then stayed at my bedside for 48 hours standing only. By the end, I was so greatful to her, the feelings of devotion were overwhelming. I've never lost that for my wife and I'll walk through hell and back for her if need be. Sex for us is just natural. I catch her eye one day or something after a walk, the feelings just come rushing in. Like I said before, its important to politically align, my wife and I like and HATE the same things and I enjoy talking to her and getting her feedback about my day. As I write this, my wife is sitting on the bed reading it and commenting "Why did he marry her? For Trophy? For Sex?". I spend everyday, all day beside my wife and I still have the same feelings I did when I first met her 12 years ago.

I know if I put a gun in my wife's hand and tell her to watch my back, I can trust she'll blow anyone away at 30 paces. Stuff like this is important. in the end its about how much you two get along. I'm thinking you didn't marry because you loved HER, maybe you plowed her a couple times and gave a half hearted proposal. Am I wrong?

I've posted this before but I literally feel like your wife should be your R2 unit.

You need to be Alex Rogan looking at his gf and being like, ok lets do this. 1 Starfighter against the whole armada, fvck it, lets go!
[This is not a good clip of the movie, dude remixed the sound]