where to draw the line with my girl

[krazyboy99]

Hey all,

Long story short, I've been unofficially dating this girl for about two weeks now. Met her like 2.5 months ago. It's not an "official" relationship (because she's going to be leaving the area permanently) but the emotions are there and they're strong, and we're basically boyfriend/girlfriend and we've had talks that we're basically going to be exclusive.

My issue with her is that she is excessively friendly and touchy feely with people. "People" meaning other guys. She's from a hispanic background and I know this is probably somewhat culturally related, but it bothers me. She'll dance with other guys, hold their hands, touch them on the leg, give her number out, etc. all while I'm there. She basically doesn't seem to realize the kinds of signals she gives off to these other guys when she does this.

She's already told me on multiple occasions (WITHOUT me prompting her/asking her) that I was the only guy she wanted to sleep with and that she had no interest in being with anyone else. Additionally she's told me on multiple occasions how strong of an emotional connection she feels with me and she's been brought to tears by the strength of these emotions and I've seen this before my very eyes.

However she still does the touchy feely crap and it bugs the hell out of me. Just a few days ago we were downtown (me my roommate and her) and I saw her holding hands with my roommate a couple times. I don't feel as if this is something that a girl who you're basically exclusive with should be doing with other guys. Especially because my roommate has been acting real smug, as if he could fvck her if he wanted to. Sure I'm the one smashing her and I shouldn't care but it really does bother me.

Now here's my dilemma. I feel as if it'd be a massively insecure move to just straight up tell my girl that I hate when she does that stuff. I feel as if it'll make me look extremely jealous and weak. But on the other hand I feel as if there's a line that she shouldn't cross if she wants to be in a relationship and I feel as if the things I've just described cross the line, especially since they make other guys start chasing her, etc. I'll be honest -it's made me extremely extremely insecure about her, especially since my feelings for her are so strong. I'm just not sure about how to approach the issue with her or whether to at all. But it's driving me crazy.

Anyone whose had a similar experience, please share your input.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Hey all,

Long story short, I've been unofficially dating this girl for about two weeks now. Met her like 2.5 months ago. It's not an "official" relationship (because she's going to be leaving the area permanently) but the emotions are there and they're strong, and we're basically boyfriend/girlfriend and we've had talks that we're basically going to be exclusive.

My issue with her is that she is excessively friendly and touchy feely with people. "People" meaning other guys. She's from a hispanic background and I know this is probably somewhat culturally related, but it bothers me. She'll dance with other guys, hold their hands, touch them on the leg, give her number out, etc. all while I'm there. She basically doesn't seem to realize the kinds of signals she gives off to these other guys when she does this.

This is all I read and this is all I needed to read. Why would you want to be exclusive with a girl that does all these things. If she does these things now she will keep on doing these things when she is with you. The things that this girl does is just disrespectful. You need to use her as a f*ck buddy and if not then you need to drop her before you get yourself hurt. Spin more plates because this is definately not a girl you would want to be in a relationship with. and to be honest she is going to move permanently anyway. So there is no way this can go on any further. When she moves she will just do the same thing at the new place.

Edit: Actions speak louder then words. She says all that bullsh*t but her actions say otherwise.

 

[krazyboy99]

I can definitely see your point. My main issue with that is that because of how close we've gotten it's much easier said than done just to try to stop feeling emotions for her and drop her, and additionally - I think it might be worth it to confront her with the issue and at least give her a chance to explain her actions/change her behavior, since she never actually has done anything with any of these guys beyond flirting (at least as far as I know). I'm just confused as to how I would go about doing this without coming across as insecure.

You're right about the moving away as well. I admit I'm not thinking too rationally about this as I have very very little relationship experience. I know that this will come to an end for sure, my main hope was just to enjoy the whole thing while it lasts, both emotionally and sexually.

 

[Iceberg]

I can definitely see your point. My main issue with that is that because of how close we've gotten it's much easier said than done just to try to stop feeling emotions for her and drop her, and additionally - I think it might be worth it to confront her with the issue and at least give her a chance to explain her actions/change her behavior, since she never actually has done anything with any of these guys beyond flirting (at least as far as I know). I'm just confused as to how I would go about doing this without coming across as insecure.

First of all, dating someone for 2 weeks doesn't make her "basically your girlfriend." Maybe when you're 10 years old, it does. But at your age...however old you are...it just makes it sound like you're desperate for a relationship, and she's out playing the field.

Secondly, confronting her on the issue will make you seem insecure automatically. Giving out numbers, and flirting with other guys in front of you is just disrespect at the foundation. Did you really think that she's dumb enough to NOT know how wrong that is?

You know how you can tell when a relationship is destined for failure? When you've been dating for 2 fu*king weeks and you've already found grossly disrespectful things going on right in front of your face.

So, I'm sorry, but I don't care how "close you've gotten emotionally" or how you say it's "easier said than done just to try to stop feeling emotions for her and drop her"....you've been dating for 2 goddamn weeks. This is a joke of a relationship. And I use "relationship" in it's loosest of meanings...

Do have a little brother or cousin or nephew? And he comes to you complaining about his little kid problems and you laugh at him like, "If you think that's bad, just wait until you have more experience in the world."....

Well that's how I feel about you talking about your 2-week old relationship. It's been 2 weeks and she's already disrespecting you. And you're talking about your emotional bond, like you've been dating for years. Man up and walk away.

 

[krazyboy99]

Thanks for the input. You're right, like I said I have very little relationship experience and when things started going well I felt very eager to rush into a relationship with her and enjoy everything that would come with one. Your post was pretty harsh and i'll admit it stung quite a bit reading that but everything you said makes sense. So you think I should just immediately drop her without warning and without even giving her a chance to change/explain her behavior? Although everything you've said logically makes sense, I still have the feeling that I should at least give her one chance to change her behavior before completely walking away as opposed to just walking away out of nowhere when both myself and her thought things were going so well.

 

[krazyboy99]

I should also provide a little more background info. By dating for two weeks I mean that two weeks ago is when we talked about being exclusive and started having sex very frequently. I met her 2.5 months ago and hooked up with her that night and we've been seeing each other since that point. Unfortunately you are totally right in that she has done some things that could definitely be interpreted as disrespectful, and things that definitely annoy the living crap out of me. I still however believe it's worth at least one shot to confront her on the issue and tell her to cut that **** out - i think it is plausible that she is simply a really flirty girl who has no real interest in these other guys, and that actually being direct with her and telling her that it's not OK may change her behavior and fix the problem for good. It doesn't make sense to me to not even put forth minimal effort to make things work, when it is very plausible that she may just be ignorant.

 

[Iceberg]

Thanks for the input. You're right, like I said I have very little relationship experience and when things started going well I felt very eager to rush into a relationship with her and enjoy everything that would come with one. Your post was pretty harsh and i'll admit it stung quite a bit reading that but everything you said makes sense. So you think I should just immediately drop her without warning and without even giving her a chance to change/explain her behavior? Although everything you've said logically makes sense, I still have the feeling that I should at least give her one chance to change her behavior before completely walking away as opposed to just walking away out of nowhere when both myself and her thought things were going so well.

Here's the thing - if you go into a store today and steal a DVD, does the store owner have to "confront" you over it before you understand that it's wrong? No. You know that it's wrong. You've been a member of human society long enough to know that it's wrong.

Do you REALLY think that your girl is dumb enough to not know that flirting with guys in front of you, and passing around her number is wrong? Not even just a little bit wrong?

I believe there are certain situations where it's okay to "confront" a woman. But in your situation, it represents a lack of respect for you....as i said...right at the foundation. If she were making you pay for all the meals, and you said "Listen, I dont mind paying sometimes, but I'm not your father." I'd say okay...that makes sense. If you had to drive to see her all the time and you said "You should drive to see ME sometimes.", that would make sense. You shouldn't have to explain to a woman that it's not okay to flirt with other guys. That's just regular common sense. She knows it's wrong, and she doesn't respect you enough to not do it. And if she doesnt know it's wrong, then you're obviously in love with a moron... after dating her for only 2 weeks.

So let me ask you: Are you dating a moron? Or is she just being disrespectful? Tell me if I'm logically overlooking a third option here....because right now, all I'm seeing is "moron" or "disrespectful"

 

[krazyboy99]

There's something for me to think about. Thanks, and will keep you guys updated on how the situation unfolds.

just to make sure that we're on the same page though, i'll make it a little more clear what exactly she's done. It is possible at this stage that I'm overreacting... and that I misrepresented her behavior (my roommate believes this). here are the primary things she's done AFTER i started dating her that have annoyed me/prompted me to post this thread:

- she gave out her number once, to some chump that she had met previously but who we ran into again at a party. the guy saw her all over me but i left to smoke a cigarette with my friends and she ended up talking to him for most of the time i was gone. he offered her a ride home and also told us that he wanted to come out to the springs the next day with us (we were already planning to go) and that he would smoke us out with his hookah/weed/put alcohol in it or something. she had to get to work early the next morning and had already much earlier in the evening expressed concern to me about how she would get back if she stayed at my place, so she said to the guy "should you get my number then?" or something along those lines. he ended up giving her a ride back home after i fvcked her and dropped her off, and also offered to take her to work the next day (she declined).
- my fraternity brother texted me once saying she was "all over this guy" downtown, later telling me they were arm in arm. This was BEFORE I started dating her though and before we had any talk of exclusivity. We were "talking" at this point and had hooked up a few times but it was not yet serious.
- the last time i went downtown, she was arm in arm with my roommate at a couple points. when we were in the club, she was grinding on both of us at the same time. i dont think she ever grinded with only him but its possible. I was making out with her basically all night. At several points she grabbed his hand while we were walking, though she was holding onto my hand as well.
- her profile picture is a picture of her and another girl in her underwear and it appears that they're grinding on another dude whose also in his underwear. it was at the "undie run" event for our school.

 

[Fred_Scuttle]

Draw the line a long time ago and make sure to don't cross that line or you will lose the girl you are already losing

 

[mahoney]

2 main problems

1) its been 2 weeks. laying down rules and saying what you think is acceptable and unacceptable at this stage is a pretty quick way to kill this

2) there is a line. but where you think that line is and where the other person thinks that line is are not always the same place. some relationships (actual relationships, not things after two weeks) fail because of this even though both people are really into each other.

 

[krazyboy99]

Mahoney, the second thing you said is something i've been thinking about a lot. It's quite possible that due to her different cultural background, it's normal/acceptable to be more friendly/touchy with strangers. Unfortunately this does have the effect, I must admit, of making me annoyed and a bit insecure. I'm having a difficult time of deciding whether or not it's something I myself just have to get over, or if it's blatant disrespect on her part. What do you suggest I do?

Actions do speak louder than words. Her words have been pretty clear: she's told me on numerous occasions that after she met me she hasn't even wanted to fvck other guys (before we even started having sex) and after we started having sex she told me how much she loved getting fvcked by me and how she only wanted to fvck me. This is without me in any way bringing up the subject. Her actions, to me, don't seem entirely congruent with this, but do they really counteract what she said? I detailed her actions more clearly in my previous post. Do these actions really speak louder than her words in that they show that she really does want to fvck those other guys? Is it possible that she doesn't and that I'm simply overreacting and that it's simply because she's from a different background? Sh1t is real hard for me to figure out.

 

[sinnerman]

you have to ask yourself how much of what she does bothers you and to what degree. if it constantly stays on your mind and is a make or break deal then you SHOULD confront her without coming off as insecure. you say emotions are high from both sides and all. if thats the case then you should tell her with a firm voice(not request) that you don't really appreciate her _____(fill in the blank) and it is not helping your relationship become more intimate and fulfilling.

if she cares about you, has emotional attachment or cares about making the relationship work she'll quit the doing all the bull****. if she doesn't well you have your answer right there after which you should do similar things in front of her.

 

[mahoney]

Mahoney, the second thing you said is something i've been thinking about a lot. It's quite possible that due to her different cultural background, it's normal/acceptable to be more friendly/touchy with strangers. Unfortunately this does have the effect, I must admit, of making me annoyed and a bit insecure. I'm having a difficult time of deciding whether or not it's something I myself just have to get over, or if it's blatant disrespect on her part. What do you suggest I do?

i doubt its actually blatant disrespect - but you have to consider the fact that in life there may be situation where one person does something which the other considers disrespect - both people think they are right - and both people are right! if its something you feel you can't or don't want to get over, you shouldn't be obliged to - but at same time she shouldn't really be obliged to change her behavior either, especially if she sees no problem

there isn't a right answer to this! i can't really suggest what you should do because ultimately it comes down to what your heart says about this

i personally wouldn't really have any kind of problem with this, but each person has to decide what they think is acceptable for them

Do these actions really speak louder than her words in that they show that she really does want to fvck those other guys? Is it possible that she doesn't and that I'm simply overreacting and that it's simply because she's from a different background? Sh1t is real hard for me to figure out.

i'm not actually seeing where in your post it says she wants to fvck the other guys...in fact her quite overt behaviour towards them actually in a way comes across as really quite harmless! its all in front of you, its all for show, it all seems a bit of a harmless game, she has that kind of personality anyway. shes gone out of her way to say she likes you only. i really think this is just a personality/cultural thing, the question for you really isn't "is she doing these other guys", its "do i find her showy overt type behavior acceptable on a personal level"

try also to remember you are only two weeks in here, she's trying to appear fun - and she is fun! but maybe a little bit too much fun for you? is what you have to decide

if she cares about you, has emotional attachment or cares about making the relationship work she'll quit the doing all the bull****. if she doesn't well you have your answer right there after which you should do similar things in front of her.

the problem here is, they really have been dating a very short amount of time, a bit early to tell if she cares about him, or about making the relationship work! at this point, she just likes him and being with him, and isn't thinking much beyond that. its super early! and certainly super early to be thinking about changing behavior or how you are as a person

 

[krazyboy99]

yeah, that's what i've been thinking about doing this whole time. theres a lot of issues to consider. first of all whether given her background (mostly hispanic population, everyone very affectionate/sexual) she realizes/should realize that what she's doing is disrespectful to me (and whether or not it really is, as I detailed her actions more descriptively a couple posts above this one). the emotions ARE high on both sides and it's hard for those on this board to see it but she has shown in many many ways both verbal and nonverbal that she is ridiculously attached to me. Walking away and manning up right away and without warning sounds good in principal but it also completely eliminates any chance of me simply addressing the issue and moving forward into an amazing relationship, however transient it may be due to her eventual leaving. I do not believe that she MUST be either disrespectful or a complete moron and i believe that there is a chance that due to being raised in a very different environment from any i've ever encountered, she simply is unaware of how her actions could be interpreted.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm currently out of town but once I get back I'm going to give her the best sex she's ever had in her entire life. The next day I'm going to address the issue and simply tell her that the way she acts around other guys, especially when drunk, sends off the wrong signals/makes them think she wants to fvck them, and is also somewhat disrespectful. i'm not going to make it into a big deal and lay down any "ground rules" but i'm going to tell her that i don't like when she does it and that i'd like her to stop doing that. i'll say it firmly but without anger/without accusing her/without threatening her. Afterwards, if she continues to do it, i'll simply drop her, or I'll distance myself from her, keep her as a fvckbuddy, and proceed with hitting on other girls. I think this is the best plan of action.

Thanks for the help everybody and will keep you all updated.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Your a *****ng idiot for keeping this thread open. This girl is a slvt. What kind of girl are you dating? A stripper? Dump her ass NOW! We have givin you all the advice you need. You don't try to turn h0es into housewifes because this is what happens when you do.

This is not a girl you date!!
It is a girl you fvck and thats it!

 

[f283000]

You may not like this but here it is.

This relationship is destined for failure in my opinion. She sounds like a social butterfly. Not just a social butterfly but a touchy-feely social butterfly.

It's not a matter of if but when her behavior gets interpreted as a green light by one of the guys and he goes for her and she surrenders to him. Remember that women surrender to whoever the alpha male is and the alpha male is usually the most aggressive of the pack. With her behavior she is encouraging guys to become aggressive with her.

My only advice to you is to not talk to her about this. If you do she knows you are jealous and fear losing her and that is pretty much the nail in the coffin for you.

Instead do the opposite of what you plan to do. Ignore her behavior, bang her as many times as you can knowing that you could lose her any minute (but stop caring or worrying about it).

Only you being non-caring and indifferent is the way you will keep this going. The moment you show jealousy or show fear is the moment you lose her.

How do you think bad boys keep strippers and waitresses? They act non-caring and indifferent to their behavior. Watch how these guys treat these highly coveted women and you'll see what i'm talking about.

 

[Chickfight]

I don't see the harm in giving her a chance and by confronting her about it. If you've both agreed to be exclusive, then yes I agree you are basically girlfriend and boyfriend. It is weird though as I've never experienced a girl doing that kind of stuff, but not all girls are the same and some are naturally more flirty than others. Give her the benefit of the doubt and confront her about it. Don't get pissed. Just ask her what's up with all this touchy feely stuff. Let her know that you find it disrespectful, but DO NOT make a big deal out of it. For all we know it's because she likes you so much that she's trying to keep you on your toes (it's not like we never do that.) but if she keep doing it after that, then dump her.

I'm a big on setting the rules in a relationship and if she breaks them it's over, but I'll always make sure she knows the rules. If there is doubt whether she realizes what she's doing is wrong, then I will let her know. Not out of jealousy, but out of doing HER a favor and giving her a chance to prove she didn't realize what she was doing was wrong and it won't happen again. Personally, I don't even give a **** if my girls flirts with guys. It's something a lot of girls love to do without sexual intentions. I hit on girls too, just to see if I still got it, but we're exclusive by her asking (which it always is, cause I don't ask), then it becomes an issue of respect and I can't tolerate it because then it reflects badly on me, even if I don't feel jealousy about it. Your girl is taking it pretty far, but yes it may also just be a cultural thing. The important thing is that she has to know what your rules are.

 

[mahoney]

by the way, krazyboy99 - before accepting any advice from me or any of the other posters - you should read some of their other posts (particularly any where they ask for advice rather than give it - people giving advice often have their own issues which should be taken into account)

 

[krazyboy99]

Thanks for the input, f2383000. What tips do you have for becoming non-caring and indifferent? That seems to me to be the hardest part. Also, do you think it is truly impossible to simply address the issue and have her discontinue her flirtatious behavior without coming across as insecure?

Chickfight, that is what I'm currently planning to do. But I'm considering everything that everyone says. What f2383000 does make a lot of sense and speaks to the fears that I haven't wanted to confront. what if she goes out one night and gets drunk and acts that way, and some super dominant guy just escalates on her and fvcks her? But on the other side of the spectrum, the relationship so far has been extremely emotionally rewarding and me and her have extremely compatible personalities (except for the whole touchy feely social butterfly thing). It seems equally silly to me to simply give up and distance myself without even trying to make it work.

 

[BlackMack177]

I should also provide a little more background info. By dating for two weeks I mean that two weeks ago is when we talked about being exclusive and started having sex very frequently. I met her 2.5 months ago and hooked up with her that night and we've been seeing each other since that point. Unfortunately you are totally right in that she has done some things that could definitely be interpreted as disrespectful, and things that definitely annoy the living crap out of me. I still however believe it's worth at least one shot to confront her on the issue and tell her to cut that **** out - i think it is plausible that she is simply a really flirty girl who has no real interest in these other guys, and that actually being direct with her and telling her that it's not OK may change her behavior and fix the problem for good. It doesn't make sense to me to not even put forth minimal effort to make things work, when it is very plausible that she may just be ignorant.

I feel a save a ho vibe from this one

This girl is not dumb. YOU however are being dumb by letting you emotions rules you. You honestly believe this chick is just flirting for her health?? She;s out playing the field. While you;re here obsessing over her and wondering is you should confront her on the issue, she confront other guys about the issue in their pants, or about the attention they give her.

Of course, I don't know the girl or the situation, so I cannot truly tell you everything you need to do. but i've seen is happen a billion times. flirty chicks like this are often chicks that spinning d1cks. there's always one guy in the mix who falls for her BS and catches feelings, and in the end is torn to shreds because he ignored the red flags and tried to tied down a branch swinger.

The choice is yours. But whatever you do, do NOT confront her on this issue. it'll only end badly. You two aren't even dating, so why do you care so much?