Where does neediness come from? And what is the cure?

[CasanovaFrankenstein]

You know, the thing that makes guys say things like "are you mad at me? do you love me? how do you feel about me?", and do things like: be crushed if she DOESN'T feel the same about you, just likes you "as a friend", always tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is, do things for her, because then (hopefully) she'll feel about me the way I do about her. Because yknow, I NEED her to feel the same about me. If she doesn't there must be something wrong with ME. Blah Blah Blah. And it's not even about getting sex. It's just about her getting the butterflies in her belly over you, having the warm and fuzzies for you. Sex is just a bonus for guys in this position I think.
You either know how that is or you've heard enough of it on here. Where do these "needs" arise. I don't even know whether to call them needs because that kind of makes them sound legit. Why do some men have these "needs" and some don't? I mean something deeper than "they don't think they're the prize". Why do these "needs" arise in some guys and not others?

 

[Skel]

In short, it comes from insecurity.

 

[Answers]

Yes insecurity.

When somebody don't feel good about themselves they need other people and things to make them feel good. In other words they look to the outer rather than the inner.

 

[SunnyD]

So if a guy is really insecure...does he need a girl to validate his worth? I mean ANY old girl...any girl that shows him interest...will he use her for an egoboost (and sex) even if he isn't interested in anything with her?

I know you're all going to go "well duh..." I'm learning here!

 

[ModernSavage]

Yes, that is basically the idea. Needy people constantly "need" other people, not just women to validate them, to reassure them that they are a better person than they probably are. It also has a lot to do with confidence and self-esteem as well, it's how you feel about yourself.

If you are happy with who you are than there is no need to have other people validate you. If you have low self esteem and feel that you have a crappy life, than having people tell you, reassuring you otherwise, makes you feel little better about your crappy life.

It's funny because I feel like I recognize neediness more in women than I do in men. How many times have you heard a girl blurt out "I'm fat" in front of all her friends, only to have all those friends reply with, "you're not fat." The girl even though she probably is not fat at all, has low self esteem about her body and constantly needs people to remind her that she is not fat.

 

[whyme2008]

i dont get it.if it is you feel you dont really need her,and that you can do without her,then why are you guys pursuing women at all?

apparently the men here are learning to pursue the girls without advertising their neediness.

on the one hand you are telling yourself you dont need her approval,and yet you are seeking relationships.

that dont make sense to me,though i understand why u should not ask for approval.
if you tell yourself you can do without her,or its no bigthing whether she likes you or not,then stay single!

 

[whyme2008]

Yes insecurity.

When somebody don't feel good about themselves they need other people and things to make them feel good. In other words they look to the outer rather than the inner.

why are u pursuing relationships AT ALL?

If you dont need her to validate your worth,then stay alone.forget the women,i say.

but the truth is that guys are needy anyhow,and the whole psychology is meant to hide it from the women.

the sexes naturally feel incomplete without each other.

you telling your mind you dont need validation,and to "act" as though you are independent of her,then stay single,cuz you say u dont need women.

 

[kabatura]

To SunnyD. Yes to a certain level. There was a girl a few months ago who was very openly attracted to me. She was ok looking but definitely not my type and I had absolutely 0 emotional attraction to her. But, seeing as I had no other girl around, basically to touch, and not in a sexual way, just have physical contact with, I would hang out with her and we would lay on the couch and watch a movie or something.

Personally, wi would never date anyone I didn't like but apparently I would "enjoy their company" If there was no moral barriers for me I wouldve probably had sex with her.

 

[kabatura]

We are social beings.

Think of it like this. Your joy and completeness in life is like a water tower. The joy being the actual container of water. Now if the only leg that container has to stand on is a woman, then when the woman is gone the tower will fall and your joy will spill out everywhere and drown little children.

But if you have a leg of physical health, other friends, financial security, plans for your life, God, etc. then the extra woman leg is just an addition that makes the joy that much stronger. Hope that makes sense, I think its a pretty freakin awesome analogy.

 

[Answers]

why are u pursuing relationships AT ALL?

If you dont need her to validate your worth,then stay alone.forget the women,i say.

but the truth is that guys are needy anyhow,and the whole psychology is meant to hide it from the women.

the sexes naturally feel incomplete without each other.

you telling your mind you dont need validation,and to "act" as though you are independent of her,then stay single,cuz you say u dont need women.

Yeah I know what you mean. I've been trying to self improve for the last few months now. Its going slow but I'm getting there and to be honest I am bit needy still.

My ultimate goal is to keep self improving, be happy with myself and attract woman rather then chase after them.

 

[SunnyD]

why are u pursuing relationships AT ALL?

If you dont need her to validate your worth,then stay alone.forget the women,i say.

but the truth is that guys are needy anyhow,and the whole psychology is meant to hide it from the women.

the sexes naturally feel incomplete without each other.

you telling your mind you dont need validation,and to "act" as though you are independent of her,then stay single,cuz you say u dont need women.

Interesting, interesting. Do a lot of guys do this? And is it easier to hang out more often with a girl you're NOT that attracted to? As opposed to one you are and fearing attachment?

Also, after doing things like spooning watching a movie (or if you were having sex with her over a period of time)...do you eventually develop an attachment to her? Or can guys just do this that easily?

 

[Señor Fingers]

Neediness is misplaced energy that comes from not being in touch with your own needs. Instead of asking yourself hard questions about what you want in this life and how far you are willing to go to get it, it's much easier to project this externally and believe that someone else can fill the void in your soul.

In time this inevitably leads to disaster, because the answers you seek are not found inside a vagina, it's all locked away inside yourself beneath the layers of fear, doubt and ignorance.

The cure is knowing who you are and addressing your personal necessities. IOW, really discovering the things that make you happy and give your days some kind of meaning.

Nobody here can tell you what that is.

Wide and paved is the road to destruction, narrow and difficult that path to fulfillment...It takes some serious soul-searching which is why most people try to take the easy route and project this elusive prize of happiness onto a pretty face, when what they really need is to love themselves and the lives they lead.

When your personal needs are being satisfied, then your game takes on a whole new life. You thrive off a central locus of validation and the idea of needing a woman's approval is utterly laughable.

 

[The Deacon]

Neediness is misplaced energy that comes from not being in touch with your own needs. Instead of asking yourself hard questions about what you want in this life and how far you are willing to go to get it, it's much easier to project this externally and believe that someone else can fill the void in your soul.

In time this inevitably leads to disaster, because the answers you seek are not found inside a vagina, it's all locked away inside yourself beneath the layers of fear, doubt and ignorance.

The cure is knowing who you are and addressing your personal necessities. IOW, really discovering the things that make you happy and give your days some kind of meaning.

Nobody here can tell you what that is.

Wide and paved is the road to destruction, narrow and difficult that path to fulfillment...It takes some serious soul-searching which is why most people try to take the easy route and project this elusive prize of happiness onto a pretty face, when what they really need is to love themselves and the lives they lead.

When your personal needs are being satisfied, then your game takes on a whole new life. You thrive off a central locus of validation and the idea of needing a woman's approval is utterly laughable.

I had to put that in quotes again, just in case anyone missed that as they were scrolling down. I was floored. That's all the truth you need to know about neediness.

 

[JackPrescott]

Yes insecurity.

When somebody don't feel good about themselves they need other people and things to make them feel good. In other words they look to the outer rather than the inner.

LIES and Bull****. Human beings are social they need other human interaction, PERIOD. And human males and females want to mate.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

LIES and Bull****. Human beings are social they need other human interaction, PERIOD. And human males and females want to mate.

:rockon: Yeah!! Humans are no different than horny feces throwing chimps in the zoo without the ability to be self sufficient and the only purpose to their lowly existence is to procreate!!!

 

[Señor Fingers]

LIES and Bull****. Human beings are social they need other human interaction, PERIOD. And human males and females want to mate.

This is true. We are social creatures with a very real need to share our experiences, they key word there is share though. If you got nothing to bring to the table and try to define yourself based solely on your interactions, then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Validation needs to come from within, shining 0utwards and drawing people like moths to a lightbulb..the only way that happens is when you are just cool and happy with being who you are.. it's surprising and sad how few people exemplify this mindset.

 

[drak_ool]

the sexes naturally feel incomplete without each other.

huge oxymoron

you (woman or man) as an individual are already complete. you don't need anything or anyone to "complete" you.

whyme, you are displaying the exact mentality that the OP is talking about, the "neediness" mentality that makes you think you need a woman to validate yourself

 

[DonGorgon]

it comes from falling for a woman or developing emotion for her which is something you must never ever do...

Only on TV does persistence pay off and the women get flattered and impressed by the antics of desperate suiters.

In real life either she likes you or she does not, you have no control over how she feels... As fast as she likes you is just as fast as she stops liking you... which is why you cant depend on a womans' affection... Its a quite sad thing cause it means you cant ever really love them.

 

[Señor Fingers]

it comes from falling for a woman or developing emotion for her which is something you must never ever do...

It is healthy to have strong emotions for a women that has proven herself worthy of it. The problem with most guys is that they fall for women they dont even know! They think with their penises and confuse lust for love, or they project an ideal onto women they think they know, but their heads are too far up their own asses that they can't see things for what they are.

Only a fool sells his soul for merchandise that he has not thoroughly inspected!

... which is why you cant depend on a womans' affection... Its a quite sad thing cause it means you cant ever really love them.

What you cannot depend on is a GIRL's affection. They lack the maturity and personal development to understand the value of loyalty or a real connection.

A WOMAN is an entirely different story. Experience has made her wise enough to appreciate and support a good man in everything he does.

I wont front..they are indeed a rare breed these days, but that doesn't mean we should all throw our hands up and abandon the idea of being in love.

There is nothing AFC about having feelings for someone, just make sure its with the right person, for the right reasons.

 

[DonGorgon]

A WOMAN is an entirely different story.

NOT REALLY CAUSE IN 2008 WOMEN LIVE LIKE GIRL EVERY CHANCE THEY GET... hence the 85% divorce rate....LOL