When she refuses to break contact with her EX

[STR8UP]

Hey all, long time no post. Haven't been around for awile for various reasons, but I thought I would pop in and get some opinions on my situation.

Before I begin, YES this post is about the girl I have been dating for a couple of months who broke up with her long distance boyfriend to start dating me and we've already hashed out the pros and cons of THAT, so no need for any lecturing.

Anyways, on to the story.

For those of you just joining us, I've been seeing this 21 yr old (I am 32 next week) who had a long distance "boyfriend" she would see a couple of times per year when I met her. After a few weeks seeing me she told the "boyfriend" it was over after 6 years (half of which was long distance).

Things started good. We have been spending ALOT of time with each other. To this day she will cancel plans with friends to be with me, stay up with with me all night (basically missing a nights sleep a couple of times per week), offers to bring me food in the middle of the night (she lives 30 minutes away), on and on.

But there are a few things that are bothering me and it's SNOWBALLING into a problem that does nothing but make me look insecure and weak. Where should I begin....

The biggest thing is the fact that she still has regular contact with her ex. I can try to rationalize the fact that he is hundreds of miles away, and that she expressed to me even before she broke up with him that no matter what happened between US in the future that she wanted to make sure that WE remain close, blah, blah, but the fact is IT BOTHERS THE HELL OUT OF ME.

It just seems to me that she is holding on instead of moving on. I tried to explain that when people break up that you can't go from a 6 year relationship to just being "friends" overnight while having regular contact (several times per week) with that person after the breakup. The term "boyfriend/ girlfriend" might be gone, but if you still have that much contact with the person immediately after breaking up YOU ARE STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.

She DID apologize the other night because she now realizes that she shouldn't be putting a past relationship in the way of a present one, but I honestly don't think she realizes what she is doing. And just TRY to rationalize emotions and such with a female...

She doesn't have much relationship experience to rely upon, and I think this is a big part of the problem. She doesn't realize that the things she says and does can have an effect on other people, and it gets her into trouble at times.

Last night we got into a serious discussion about this ending with me telling her, once again, that it just isn't normal to remain close with an ex b/f while trying to move forward in a new relationship. I reiterated the fact that it is very likely that MOST guys wouldn't be comfortable with the situation, and that I knew I wasn't out of line.

I then proceeded to abruptly end the conversation and told her that "I have some thinking to do". A little while later my phone rings, I answer, and she informs me that after we hung up she received news that a friend of hers died, and she wanted someone to talk to. I wasn't in any mood to talk but I couldn't be an ass and hang up on her at that time.

So when we hung up again she tells me "Call me tomorrow if you want to talk or hang out" I said "Ok" and we hung up. Today she sent me a text message that I didn't answer. Right now I'm just going to let her sweat a little and see what happens.

Any thoughts?

 

[dietzcoi]

I understand your feelings. I am dating a 21 year old and I am ten years older than you... and believe me she had ex's and supplicants hanging around too for a while. I slowly drove them away by taking her out of the environment she was in and going to do other things. Also they seemed to have given up... since they saw she was completely taken by me....

But in your case she is only in phone contact, not physical proximity.

Question: Is she initiating the contacts or is he (AFC??)

Either way you need to put your foot down. I am constantly amazed at the gullibility of women who think they have all these male "friends" not realizing they are AFC supplicants who are hoping to get into her pants.

Obviously the ex boyfriend is an AFC or he would not want to continue to be "friends" at that level with her.

Just tell her she can occasionally, (very rarely) contact him but no daily/weekly contacts. But you have to be prepared to NEXT her if she won't go along. The ex needs to be out of the picture. This friendship BS is just BS...

Dietzcoi

 

[DJStudent]

I understand what's going through your mind. My ex-girlfriend you liked to keep in touch. She never really wanted to lose a friend because she need the social contact. Even if it's an old boyfriend, crushes, whatever, she's still going to want to keep that.

I think you're getting paranoid, as I was when I was in your shoe. The answer is don't be and continue your relationship with her. If she brings up anything about the guys in her past, then ask her not to bring it up again. Until it gets to a point where she doesn't respect you enough to not bring up her past boyfriends. Once she doesn't have respect for you, then cut your loses and end the relationship. Don't try to salvage something that was never there. Girls are weird like that, that's why GOD punish them with periods and having to go through labor. HAHA

 

[Reto]

A very touchy situation. I've been dealing with something similar.

My girl is friends with an ex. I mean they go out to lunch all the time. He has even taken her to his work after lunch to show his buddies the hottie that dumped him. He still has the hots for her.

You can't tell her who she can or can't be friends with. That will seriously p!ss her off. But, her ex is a part of her life. I mean 6 years? That's almost 30% of her life. It appears he in now one of her "girl-friends". What do they talk about? Relationships? If he has moved on, I wouldn't worry about it.

I'd let her keep him as a friend. But, I would not let her go visit him or see each other one on one. If you forbid her to see/talk to him, chances are she will do it anyway. If you allow it, you at least have some control. If she plans to see him, go with her.

Your girl doesn't seem like an Attn wh0re. Mine is. She needs constant reassurance from her AFC's that she's hot... that's another story...

 

[CLOONEY]

Man I feel for u. I am in a similar situation NOW, however I am the OTHER guy.

I had a girlfriend for a while but she moved away also, hundreds of miles away. We still talk on MSN and voicechat every couple of days, plus webcams. However just because he talks to her doesnt mean he is an AFC. He probably still has his own life, plenty of other woman. She is just a girl with whom he had a great connection. He could get over her if they were not talking, however if the opportunity arises he will be with her.

She probably also feels something for her, especially as they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And u will be in trouble getting hastles all the time.

Thing is this story of mine started with me in your situation. She was with me and she had another guy she was always talking to and talking about who lived in Cuba. hahahaahah, man the situatoin sucks for all involved. Probably better to end the hastles now. I enjoy my life being single and have a few opportunities with great girls. However if the situation arises with this girl again, I will probably give it another shot.

Take it easy and good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[JohnJones]

Reto: I don't want to hijack anyone's post, but do you think the ex-boyfriend contact issue is worse (more risk) with an Attention W---re?

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by JohnJones
Reto: I don't want to hijack anyone's post, but do you think the ex-boyfriend contact issue is worse (more risk) with an Attention W---re?

less risk, an attention ***** is only using that x situation for more attention, nothing else.

 

[Reto]

Attn wh0re v. friends with ex...Good question...

I think it depends. In my situation, she was "just friends" with him when we met. It's been years since they actually went out. She actually stayed with his mom when she needed a place to live when they were dating.

This guy isn't an AFC. He has a life. Not sure if he has a GF or
not.(?) So, I trust her with her with him. Maybe it's just a gut instinct. I don't know. I do know that if he had a second chance, he'd take it. He's told her this. Maybe I shouldn't be so trusting.

My girl is real friendly with all guys. I mean, we will be in the mall or some place and if she makes eye contact with a guy, she says hello. So, when we aren't together, she's getting hit on left and right. This is just the way she is.

I have only forbid her once to meet a guy for lunch. Her sister's ex. He has the hots for her and her sister would sh!t if she knew they were even friends. Well, sure enough, tues of this week she went to lunch with him and lied to me about it. I found out. I was so p!ssed I couldn't speak. Told her I didn't want to speak to her until I cooled down. I don't think I will. Call her or cool down...

I know. Only an AFC would put up with that crap. But, it was a very gradual thing. Sometimes you get caught up in things and don't see the red flags... you know, no one should put up with that crap! It's about self respect...

I too didn't mean to hijack this thread, but if you give in little it can snow ball until it gets out of control.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What exactly is she doing? Is it letters, emails, phone calls, visiting him??? How often is she doing it? Also consider her age and how many real relationships she has had. It could be as if she was a little 12 year old whos family pet of many years just died.

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

Most guys know why they keep in contact with there exes so don't feel bad about not wanting your girl to talk to this guy.

In relationships, the person you're with is suppose to be your best friend and you are to be hers too. These are the relationships that works for the better b/c they rely on each other for support not someone from the past who you had a long-relationship with.

If things get bad between you two she will bring the information to him for a male point of view and might some bad things about you. But hell that's just me and my opinion. I went through that before and I know that guys can be as trifling as females when it comes to exes. I wouldn't recommend nobody be naive to it. Also you can only suggest this to her and see how she reacts. If she gives that "he was here before you speech" then you got problems my friend.

I had a ex get mad at me simply because I told her that we couldn't be friends (she left me for ex- the father of her child) because she not going to continue to recieve the benefits b/c she choose to DUMP me for a guy that she stated that she was over. It was all a lie.

I told her that when you quit a job, do you continue to recieve their benefits?

H3LL NAWH!

Peace.

 

[NewMan]

I think there are other things going on here.

but the fact is IT BOTHERS THE HELL OUT OF ME

That's all that really important. You could argue that the problem is with STR8UP - but whatever.

The factis 6 years is a long time. And to break it off and not expect her to have contact with him is just plain silly. He's probably been her emotional support for a long time - those ties just can't be cut that easily.

If anything you should have not got so seriously so quickly.

We have been spending ALOT of time with each other. To this day she will cancel plans with friends to be with me, stay up with with me all night (basically missing a nights sleep a couple of times per week), offers to bring me food in the middle of the night (she lives 30 minutes away), on and on.

What the hell happened to being a challenge? IT sounds like your not.....

a story of my current situation.

Broke up with my ex after 4.5 yrs. She needed time away. Well I saw her this week - she meet someone very fast (to fast she said) - and they got serious very quickly (she didn't want that). Now he's checking up on her all the time. She hates the rules and regualtions. She new that after meeting me for drinks, she have to go back and deal with him. She missed me, she told me she wants to date me - but thats another story.

See, what's happening to you is almost the same. You guys are seeing each other a lot.

I think you need to back this up some. I'd tell her that you understand that she wants to keep contact with her ex, and your cool with that. But that in turn, you need to back the seriousnees of the relationship down. That you don't think it's healthy for you, to be in a relationship with someone who is in contact with their ex multiple time in a week.

Be a challenge to this girl. Set a standard that your not willing to go below - but don't ruin the relationship over it. If anything use this time to meet other women. Tell her you want to continue to see her, but just not as often - for your sake.

I bet, she'll want you even more. And respect you even more.

 

[JohnJones]

Reto:

She lied to you, that sucks. Do you think she wouldn't have lied about seeing him if you hadn't expressed your displeasure that she see the guy?

See, that's my issue: I have watched my g/f lie before (to my benefit). While I surely have nothing to worry about (because I don't worry) I know that I can't fully relax with this girl.

Now, I don't want to turn into a supplicant for her or get all clingy, but I will always know that she can lie when she wants to and I probably won't be able to tell (and I won't bother to poke holes through it).

So long as she is obsessed with being with me, I don't see a problem, but the minute she starts "sleeping over" at her g/f's house, I will fade away.

 

[Slickster]

STR8UP

I've been following this story. Your attitude seems to have changed a little. In the beginning you seemed totally in control of your emotions regarding her ex. Now it seems like you're falling for this girl and compromising some things that you shouldn't.

Red Flags I see.

1. Talking about her Ex. Forget it! Any chick that continues to bring up her ex's - is history. Usually chicks will keep their ex's around as friends until they find someone new. Then they end that friendship so they don't screw things up with the new guy.
This chick obviously isn't worried about losing you cuz you're letting her get away with this crap.

2. Something is going on. You're right, after 6 years together you don't just become friends right away. Too many feelings involved. The connection between her and her ex is probably way stronger than you know. You're right again. That relationship isn't over. It's on hold.

3. Your insecurity. Man you have to stop whining to her about this crap. You will never be able to rationalize her feelings away from this guy. And it makes you look like a chump in the process.
You are making excuses for her saying "she doesn't have much relationship experience". And you are making excuses for your own behaviour saying that "Most guys wouldn't be very comfortable in this situation". You aren't supposed to be like "most guys". You're supposed to be above all this sh!t.


My Advice:

Don't fool yourself. Expecially in the beginning of a relationship. Those things that bother you won't get better with time. They usually get worse. You've clouded your judgement with this chick right from the get go. Nip that sh!t in the bud before it even starts.

Actions are louder than words. Whatever she says the fact of the matter is, she is still contacting this guy. Her contact with him is obviously more important than her relationship with you.
She knows it bugs you. She knows it is having an adverse affect on your relationship. Yet she still does it.

Quit whining to her. When sh!t is bothering you or she is fVcking you around you have to act right now! Don't let her get away with anything. Be a man for god's sake! Set her straight. Tell her how its going to be. And only tell her once!

In my opinion as soon as this ex thing became an issue you should have said, "See ya. Give me a call sometime when you're ready to move on with your life." Then walk away.

If I remember right this is the advice I gave you right from the start. You told me that you thought it would be AFC to show her that you were worried about her ex. Well this issue with the ex is probably more than you expected. Stop worrying about it.

Simply refuse to deal with it. Either she smartens up or its over.

 

[Reto]

JJ:

I know what you mean. Sometimes it's good not to know. But when she get's caught, it blows the whole trust thing out the window.

She says he adores me. Loves me. But, do I believe her now?

Sometimes I think she's shopping for a new guy, but hasn't found one she likes yet.

I try to keep it in perspective. We aren't married. We aren't living together. We are exclusive. (At least I believe we are). Sometimes I think, "what if it was me with all the female friends? "Would she put up with it? NO!

So, if I meet up with a few new female friends, I have every right to...I think I might go shopping this week-end !!!

 

[studmuffin15]

i would drop her like a bad habit. i could care less when girls talk about ex's and having to stay in contact bcuz they don't want to be antisocial or bcuz it's "not the right thing to do", etc. BULLSH!T

if i am out with a girl and we happen to bump into one of her ex's and they make small-talk, a little hi, how r u? that is fine with me.

but when she keeps calling him on the phone, he keeps calling her on the phone, etc., i have serious issues with that. what the one dude posted is right >> their relationship isn't over -- its only on hold.

a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is totally different from a standard platonic relationship. it totally blows my mind how when people go steady and breakup, then they date new people, how they can think that its perfectly cool with their new mate to be able to carry on a common relationship with an ex. as far as im concerned, it has no place --- you broke up, now move on!

 

[Legend]

you have reason to worry.

Girls that keep there ex's around still like them or are attached to them some how. Just because you dont see something does'nt mean it did'nt happen.

 

[Chewy Bagel]

Originally posted by Legend
you have reason to worry.

Girls that keep there ex's around still like them or are attached to them some how. Just because you dont see something does'nt mean it did'nt happen.

W3RD.

One of my ex's kept contact with her ex and as soon as I broke it off with her, she was back with the guy who she said she'd never be with again. Lying bizniches.

CB

 

[Reto]

Originally posted by Legend
you have reason to worry.

Girls that keep there ex's around still like them or are attached to them some how.

RIGHT !

With my girl, I fill some void in her life. (It better be the sexual void) while the other "friends" and Ex fill something else. And it better not be her...LOL...

 

[STR8UP]

Obviously I realize it's a red flag, or I wouldn't be posting this. If the ex lived nearby she would have been gone LONG AGO.

The thing is, her relationship with him wasn't much of a relationship in the first place. How can you REALLY have a relationship with someone you only see a couple of times per year max?

This is a double edged sword. On one hand if she still talks on the phone with him, what's the difference between when she was "with" him and now that they have called it quits? On the other hand, like I said before, if it wasn't much of a relationship in the first place then it shouldn't be such a big deal.

Thats why I'm on the fence here. There are extenuating circumstances.

I'm going to play the devil's advocate and give this a chance to play out. Chances are the ex is going through the typical post-breakup AFC bout, and when he finally realizes he needs to get on with HIS life he will stop calling and move on.

She knows she is on thin ice. We shall see what happens...I'll keep you posted.

 

[R6rcr]

I also feel maybe a red flag has popped up. For the most this kind of crap doesn't get to me. Because i won't tollerate it. For the fact that if someone wants to do something they are going to do it no matter what anyone thinks. So i would take a step back like you are going, obvious what you are telling isn't workin gif she continues to talk to her ex a couple of times per week.

Basic you only have control over your actions, not anyone elses. If you can put up with it then do it, if not then don't.