what to do about the older sugar daddy friend hanging around my LTR

[STR8UP]

Who cares - with him or not, it's some creep who buys his girl sh*t in the hopes of banging her.

i repeat: NOT JUST ABOUT HANGING OUT WITH GUYS. ABOUT SUGAR DADDY WHO WANTS TO FvCK HIS GIRL.

Dude, that's NOT what you started out saying.

 

[conan2120]

My girl gave me the old "i think we,re better off as friends because i said i really didn,t like the idea of her going to jamaica with an ex boyfriend,who she claims is now her best friend.He buys her expensive jewlerly,goes out to fancy dinners with him,but i,m not supposed to be pissed?But there just friends.

 

[SoCalMike]

sorry mike but i dont agree with your position. i know my woman and she would say, "ok fine I am not going to change myself" and let me leave. She may cry about it for days and miss me and long for me but she is not going to call me back for me being insecure (that is what she would see it as). I would end up with out my HB10 because of some guy who was trying to get on her. And guess who would probably win? That guy. She would need a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell her its ok so eventually he may win because i was an insecure prick. So where does that leave me? Cool and alone over something that is not a big deal. One year down the toliet because she wouldnt do what i demanded she do with my ultimatium. Now doesnt that seem just a little childish and totally not worth all that? It would just be easier to trust her and let her do as she wishes. I like trusting her. It gives me a good feeling to have someone i can trust anywhere at anytime. A damn good feeling.

I'm not here to tell other people how to run their lives. If that's what works for you, cool. You just asked our opinions so I gave you mine.

But do you know for sure your girl would react that way? Are you sure she'd risk losing you over this guy? If so, maybe you're not in such a great relationship after all.

I'm not saying you have to act like a tyrant about this, you can do it in a reasonable way... mabye you could just tell her nicely you don't like the idea and would rather her not do it. If she really cares about you, she'd probably stop.

I'm pretty surprised though, how many people think it's cool (or at least tolerable) to have a sugar daddy hangin out with their girl.

Even if your girl would never cheat (never say never) it would still be irritating.

But sounds like you know what you want to do now, which is cool. I'm sure the sugar daddy being with your girl will annoy you less and less as time goes on.

hehe sorry man... couldn't resist.

 

[SoCalMike]

Dude, that's NOT what you started out saying.

I said - for me, no guy (unless I know him) hanging out with my girl unless I'm around. I've never had any trouble being this way, it's always worked for me. Actually, I've never even had this problem b/c when I'm with a girl they never even try this BS b/c they know it wouldn't fly.

I also said, this isn't just about some guy, it's about a sugar daddy, which is a lot worse.

I'm done repeating myself.

 

[SoCalMike]

My girl gave me the old "i think we,re better off as friends because i said i really didn,t like the idea of her going to jamaica with an ex boyfriend,who she claims is now her best friend.He buys her expensive jewlerly,goes out to fancy dinners with him,but i,m not supposed to be pissed?But there just friends.

You did the right thing. If your girl wants to do something like that you'd be crazy to allow it.

But some people are cool with it apparently. Maybe I could take their girls to Jamaica, or at least hang out with them alone for hours. Because, after all, they're not "insecure" like you and me.

no offense fellas, just had to rile you up a bit! LOL

 

[STR8UP]

You did the right thing. If your girl wants to do something like that you'd be crazy to allow it.

But some people are cool with it apparently. Maybe I could take their girls to Jamaica, or at least hang out with them alone for hours. Because, after all, they're not "insecure" like you and me.

That's a completely different situation.

Remember I said something about if your girl disrespects you it can't be tolerated? Well, leaving town with an ex lover is flat out disrespect. If that happened you would be stupid to stay with her, and if you did you better be damn sure you wrap it good if you ever fukk her again, cause once there has been an intimate relationship you better believe she would screw him again.

We aren't talking about an ex-lover. We're talking about a shmuck who doesn't have enough game to pick up chicks without throwing money around. From what I heard, this guy ISN'T a threat.

 

[speedo_meme]

As for girls who have male friends, that's a major red flag for me. When it comes to choosing a LTR candidate that would certainly be a deal breaker.

Bingo. If I hear more than twice a sentence that begins with "One of my guy friends.....", I jet. Too much experience dealing with those AW's.

 

[BobFuest]

So the guy is boring and desperate but she appreciates the attention and the free dinners and drinks nonetheless. Not exactly the definition of a "friend" in my books. looks to me more like she's using the poor chap and she seems damn good at it.

I guess it gives a good preview of what could very well be awaiting you if, god forbid, she ever gets bored of your relationship. Great girlfriend you have there.

As for girls who have male friends, that's a major red flag for me. When it comes to choosing a LTR candidate that would certainly be a deal breaker.

depends what you mean by friends. Almost all her real friends are girls. There is maybe one or two guy "friends" but she never hangs out with them (except in the time i stated when she hung with that guy).
She doesnt try to use the guy. She turns down major gifts and things that she could have said yes to. but yes everyonce in awhile she does say yes to food or a drink or something. The guy has never made any moves on her so why would she say no? Hell, when asked to buy me drinks all night i said "sure" too. Hes a tool but he is actually a cool guy. I know he may want my girl but hes never tried beyond throwing money around. If it makes her happy to have a friend she can use as an emontional tampon so be it. I think you guys are being a little too hardcore about the whole thing but i appreciate your opinions. i know the rules but come on now. you have to apply the rules to real life. lighten up a bit. Besides, i asked a lot of chumps if they would really do this to a girl they didnt want to be involved with and most of them said yes. They said it is just nice to have the company. Thats not me (unless i am going out, then i take a group of women with me) but whatever.
p.s. yea your probably right mike. she would come back eventually but i just dont feel this is worth the drama. Its going to make me look insecure whether she comes back or not.

 

[BobFuest]

That's a completely different situation.

Remember I said something about if your girl disrespects you it can't be tolerated? Well, leaving town with an ex lover is flat out disrespect. If that happened you would be stupid to stay with her, and if you did you better be damn sure you wrap it good if you ever fukk her again, cause once there has been an intimate relationship you better believe she would screw him again.

We aren't talking about an ex-lover. We're talking about a shmuck who doesn't have enough game to pick up chicks without throwing money around. From what I heard, this guy ISN'T a threat.

yea you hit nail on the head. And yes, my girl is madly in love with me. to the point that she will do whatever i want even if it makes her really unhappy. No guy is a threat right now. I am on top of my game. It would be pretty damn hard and take a lot more then just money to get her away from me.

 

[SoCalMike]

yea you hit nail on the head. And yes, my girl is madly in love with me. to the point that she will do whatever i want even if it makes her really unhappy. No guy is a threat right now. I am on top of my game. It would be pretty damn hard and take a lot more then just money to get her away from me.

bob, if she's so into you, then why does she need this guy's attention? Why does she need free drinks and so on? It's a contradiction.

 

[SoCalMike]

As for girls who have male friends, that's a major red flag for me. When it comes to choosing a LTR candidate that would certainly be a deal breaker.

When a girl is really into you, she doesn't hang out with male "friends". I've been in 3 LTRs and the idea that my girl would hang out alone with another man never even crossed either of our minds.

Men and women rarely hang out as friends unless the guy is gay, or the girl is fat/ugly, and so on. If she's attractive, then the reason is almost always sex or the potential for sex. Or she's using the guy for money which, like you said is a bad bad sign.

Bob, a good friend of mine in college dated a girl with lots of male "friends". He didn't want to seem insecure so he let it happen. Well, big surprise, one of his friends saw this girl coming out of the shower with one of her male "friends" in his dorm.

I'm not trying to make you paranoid, just be aware.

I can't recall if you already mentioned this, but is the guy she's with good looking? If so that's NOT a good thing. If he's not attractive, it's a little safer but still...

You know what though, despite all the bickering we've been doing on this thread, I wish you the best. Whatever way you choose, I hope it works for you bro. It sounds like you really love this girl.

 

[S1NN3R]

bob, if she's so into you, then why does she need this guy's attention? Why does she need free drinks and so on? It's a contradiction.

I disagree. Too much is never enough, especially when it comes to attention. Keep in mind that she does not seem to be actively seeking this man's attention, merely accepting it when he gives it. She refuses other things that might give him the feeling that she should be indebted to him. And again, she's open about it. She doesn't try to hide anything. Subconsciously, if she were getting any sort of undue gratification from it, she would try do more to keep it a secret.

And who on earth would refuse a free drink? It doesn't matter if you can buy your own or have an SO to buy them for you, or have childhood friends to buy them for you. When someone offers you a free drink, you accept politely. Doing so does not mean that you need attention from one person, or that another isn't giving you enough attention. It means you've got a free drink. One can never have so many kindnesses done to them that they will refuse another kindness.

Besides, sometimes a drink is just a drink.

 

[S1NN3R]

When a girl is really into you, she doesn't hang out with male "friends".

You keep saying things like this, but you don't back it up with anything besides the fact that they *might* hook-up. Suppose the girl was a tom-boy, and never really had many female friends. Is she just expected to drop all of them as soon as she starts dating someone?

a good friend of mine in college dated a girl with lots of male "friends". He didn't want to seem insecure so he let it happen. Well, big surprise, one of his friends saw this girl coming out of the shower with one of her male "friends" in his dorm.

Well, la dee da. That's a nice anecdote, but it doesn't prove your arguement. The girl cheated on your friend because she was a cheater, not because guys were around her. I dated one girl for nearly six months, and she never hung out with any guy friends. All she had were female friends. But I still caught her cheating. The biggest difference is that rather than cheat with a friend, she cheated with near strangers that she propositioned on the internet.

You're going back and forth here. Do you feel that your girl shouldn't be allowed to hang out with other guys because it will make them cheat on you or because even knowing that they won't cheat, you still feel that it's just not right? Which is it?

A cheating girl will cheat whether she hangs out with male friends or not, and a loyal girl won't cheat no matter how many male friends she has. It's dependant on her own personal moral code, and you can't really change that much. That being said, this discussion is really just a matter of possessiveness, and why you feel that it's right, not whether she'll cheat or not.

 

[SoCalMike]

I disagree. Too much is never enough, especially when it comes to attention. Keep in mind that she does not seem to be actively seeking this man's attention, merely accepting it when he gives it. She refuses other things that might give him the feeling that she should be indebted to him. And again, she's open about it. She doesn't try to hide anything. Subconsciously, if she were getting any sort of undue gratification from it, she would try do more to keep it a secret.

And who on earth would refuse a free drink? It doesn't matter if you can buy your own or have an SO to buy them for you, or have childhood friends to buy them for you. When someone offers you a free drink, you accept politely. Doing so does not mean that you need attention from one person, or that another isn't giving you enough attention. It means you've got a free drink. One can never have so many kindnesses done to them that they will refuse another kindness.

Besides, sometimes a drink is just a drink.

I seem to have struck a nerve here with you S1NN3R. Are you with a girl wiho has lots of male "friends" or something?

Can I be her "friend" too?

 

[S1NN3R]

I'm with lots of girls who have male friends, mate.

 

[STR8UP]

Well, la dee da. That's a nice anecdote, but it doesn't prove your arguement. The girl cheated on your friend because she was a cheater, not because guys were around her. I dated one girl for nearly six months, and she never hung out with any guy friends. All she had were female friends. But I still caught her cheating. The biggest difference is that rather than cheat with a friend, she cheated with near strangers that she propositioned on the internet.

Exactly.

The fact that she had male friends had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

You think that by making your girl "choose" as you say you are doing is going to remove temptation? Of coure not. It's just going to serve to make the forbidden fruit that much more attractive.

The bottom line is:

1) You should never date a woman with a whole bunch of guy friends in the first place. One or two is acceptable.
2) If a woman is going to cheat on you it could be with anyone. Trying to hide her in a cave isn't going to keep her faithful.
3) A woman will tell you EVERYTHING you need to hear (or show you wiht her actions) to determine her integrity BEFORE she cheats on you. If you know how to read the signs you can always catch it before it happens and end the relationship before it goes any further.

 

[OrioleMagic]

In case you haven't noticed, there are a lot of rich, older men with no game with hot girlfriends/wives. If you think money doesn't matter to women, you are living in a fantasy world. I'm not going to tell a woman not to hang out with a male friend, but when he has made it clear that he wants to sleep with her, that would be crossing the line. I guess I'm old fashioned, in my mind, when a woman is getting a lot of gifts from a man, she is either sleeping with him or well on the way there. The only time I have had a girlfriend cheat on me was a woman who was constantly receiving gifts from other men. Her accepting all these gifts from another man is her way of saying "my man isn't good enough for me, he can't provide for me". Let me put it this way, if Donald Trump was single, would you let him hang out with your girlfriend because he is old and ugly? Hell no, he would be banging your girlfriend w/in a week.

:cuss:

 

[BobFuest]

That's when it gets tricky: nobody likes a LTR hanging out with male "friends" and we all recognize there are reasons to worry about such friendships. However, there ain't a bloody thing we can do about it because it would make us look insecure, jealous etc. and make the other guy look more attractive in her eye (cf. Forbidden fruit theory)

Which comes down to avoiding the situation as much as possible by screening LTR candidates early in the dating process. Why on earth would you choose a girl that hangs out with other guys? Every time you leave town for a business trip, she's gonna have dinner with her great friend Bill or watch a DVD with her Hi-School pal Jimmy… Now, are you prepared for this?

One of the things I appreciated from the very first dates with my LTR is that her opinion on the subject was very realistic. She know that male-"friends" will always try to make a move at some point, therefore she doesn't get involved in such friendships when she's in a LTR. period.

I think it makes all the sense in the world and it shows a great of respect.

Also, I think it comes down to the girl being a bit mature, I mean, do you imagine the mother of your kids hanging out with some guy while you look after them?
If the answer is 'yes' send your story to Doc Love, I am sure he'll find material for his next weekly column.

haha no way. not at all.

 

[penkitten]

is this the same girl from the other thread about making her feel bad about herself?

 

[BobFuest]

is this the same girl from the other thread about making her feel bad about herself?

the very same. guess i dont have to worry about that guy anymore (i hope).If i fix the other thing then i wont have to.