What the hell should I do???

[RobLB]

Well it's been a while since I've posted on here,..but I have gotten myself into a situation and there is no better place but here to get some opinions. And I swore to myself I would never GET in this situation again but women have a way of getting in your brain and fvckin it all up!!
The deal is I have been going out with this chick for about 3 months now and I have once again fallin in the oneitis pit. The thing is, is that she's 26 and I'm 40. I was leary about this age diference before starting this but after a couple of dates I found her to be very mature for her age. She has a 5yr old boy too but I also have a 5yr old girl and they gey along great. Thats actually how I met her because our kids go to the same school. She also has a Myspace account and we chatted on there as well.
Well I really like this girl,..we even flew to meet her parents for the weekend and they were great too. As far as the sex goes,.well it doesnt much. She keeps telling me that she is for once in her life trying to do relationship right for once well its not all about the sex!
The first 2 months of the relationship she was constantly texting me, messaging me on Myspace and calling all the time. Well lately it has come to a screeching halt and I kinda thought something was up so I asked her about and she says that I am always worrying about "us" too much and that can turn her away faster than anything. I know she still has feelings for me but I dont know if she's testing me or what cause I'll try and call her sometimes and she text's me back saying she has a headache and doesnt feel like talking. And she can be the biggest biotch sometimes, it's like she snaps and turns into this evil person. And as far as talking about anything or discussing problems with us she gets frustrated and cusses and hangs up on me!!
Last night she calls me and says we have a problem. She said her kid keeps saying and thinks I'm his daddy. His actuall dad has nothing to do with him and has only seen him once when he was a baby so I have actually grown attached to this kid which make this whole thing worse.
Now I know what alot of you are gonna say which will be to ditch her but I have strong feelings for her and her kid so that will not be easy to do. And she always tells me how amazing I am and how much her parents like me,.blah blah blah.Lately I've been trying to not call her or text her so as to get some kinda sign that she still cares about me.
Should I continue to give her the cold shoulder and see what happens? I would hate to end it cause I know deep down she is great person.

I just don't know what to do...

Thanks

 

[JC9]

It sounds like her interest level has dropped down pretty low.

Fill up your life with things that don't relate to her. When she calls or texts, be friendly as normal but be busy.

And I don't mean fake it, be genuinly busy with fun stuff that you like to do.

Hopefully she will come to understand that she has to work to keep you.

Let me know if this was the scenario:

She is totally into you, calls all the time, wants to be with you all the time, tells you how much she loves you and how great you are all the time.

You reciprocate and show emotion towards her.

She grows distant and stops wanting to spend time with you.

 

[Egoist]

...
As far as the sex goes,.well it doesnt much. She keeps telling me that she is for once in her life trying to do relationship right for once well its not all about the sex!
...

wow someone needs to punch her in the cooter! (i love you girls)

thats some chick logic at work. But i also suspect you are not giving her enough of a reason to be sexual.

Seriously, either become the dominant, sexual male, or next her. Either way, looks like you have a lot to learn.

 

[Desdinova]

I have been going out with this chick for about 3 months now and I have once again fallin in the oneitis pit.

I am going to say this yet again, it's not one-itis when she's showing affection in return. One-itis is a one way street and it's a problem. When she's showing affection in return, It's called mutual interest, or even "love" which aren't problems.

she says that I am always worrying about "us" too much and that can turn her away faster than anything.

Either she's not interested in a LTR with you, or you're being too dependent on her. From what you've explained in the rest of your post, I'm putting my bets on answer #1.

I'll try and call her sometimes and she text's me back saying she has a headache and doesnt feel like talking. And she can be the biggest biotch sometimes, it's like she snaps and turns into this evil person. And as far as talking about anything or discussing problems with us she gets frustrated and cusses and hangs up on me!!

Something else is up. It sounds like she's losing interest FAST. She has also displayed that she doesn't have much (if any) respect for you. I'm guessing there may be another guy in the picture. This usually explains a woman's sudden behavior change.

Last night she calls me and says we have a problem. She said her kid keeps saying and thinks I'm his daddy.

When you or the woman you're dating have kids, it's best to keep them out of your relationship until you've both decided on seeing each other exclusively. If you don't watch out for your kids' interests, they'll start getting attached (and so will you) and it'll cause a big emotional mess afterwards.

 

[biker_gixxer]

I know she still has feelings for me but I dont know if she's testing me or what cause I'll try and call her sometimes and she text's me back saying she has a headache and doesnt feel like talking.

She doesn't even have the curtsey to call you back and say those words to you? She would rather text you? That should tell you something right there.

Well lately it has come to a screeching halt and I kinda thought something was up so I asked her about and she says that I am always worrying about "us" too much and that can turn her away faster than anything.

That's a big red flag, something is up. It sounds like she's lost interest. Why? Who knows, it doesn't matter. If she's loosing interest you need to back off, don't chase her.

And she can be the biggest biotch sometimes, it's like she snaps and turns into this evil person. And as far as talking about anything or discussing problems with us she gets frustrated and cusses and hangs up on me!!


She behaves this way because you put up with it. If you would have put your foot in her a$$ the first time she acted this way, your situation would have been a little different right now.

Now I know what alot of you are gonna say which will be to ditch her but I have strong feelings for her and her kid so that will not be easy to do.

You are right, it isn't easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be done, actually, it NEEDS to be done. Don't think for one second the situation will get any better. You need to let it go and move on...

 

[RobLB]

Let me know if this was the scenario:

She is totally into you, calls all the time, wants to be with you all the time, tells you how much she loves you and how great you are all the time.

You reciprocate and show emotion towards her.

She grows distant and stops wanting to spend time with you.

You pretty much nailed it on the head!

 

[RobLB]

thats some chick logic at work. But i also suspect you are not giving her enough of a reason to be sexual.

I give her plenty of reason to be sexual. She's even told me that I do. I am not bragging but she has 3-4 orgasms before I do.

 

[JC9]

You pretty much nailed it on the head!

Im my opinion, with girls like this, what they want is to be free to be totally emotional and in love and know that it doesnt affect you.

That's not to say that you don't care for her or love her, but no matter how 'in love' she gets you don't let it change you. She wants you to be her rock, always there always sturdy; that lets her be free to be very femine and embrace her emotions.

Not sure that will help you fix the situation, but think about how you would be her rock and start acting like it when you are with her. See if she starts to warm back up.

I went through a situation with a girl who behaved very similarly to what you describe. I made the mistake, pre sosuave of course, of buying into her emotions and letting it make me display more feminine characteristics (the need for her validation, etc) instead of masculine and it turned her off. She wouldn't break up with me but was distant, avoided my calls, and was basically looking for other guys.

 

[RobLB]

Thanks,..for the replies so far,..they've been helpful.

I wanted to add that this morning she just texted me and told me her aunt died, which we knew was gonna happen cause she had cancer pretty bad, and I tried to call her and she didnt answer the phone. So ,... I texted her back asking her where she was. She said she was at work so I texted her back saying I was on my way over since she just works 10 min away. Well she texts me back saying she didnt want me coming over there!!! She didnt wanna talk to anybody. Well I dont think I'm just anybody,...sh1t!!

I think im just gonna do like JC9 said and try to give her back some of her own medicine and give her some space,.. maybe she will come around,..if not then oh well..

 

[jendean71]

I feel for ya bro. I have a similar situation, just not to the extreme that you do.

I actually just posted my issue a bit ago. I did the same things JC9 did

I made the mistake, pre sosuave of course, of buying into her emotions and letting it make me display more feminine characteristics (the need for her validation, etc) instead of masculine and it turned her off.

It has made us strangers in our own home.

We live together and it has been rough the past few weeks espescially. So I stumbled onto this forum and I am greatful for it. I am, starting tonight, changing my actions.


I hope it works out for you RobLB, I really do. My girl has a son and we've grown attached as well. His father has not been in the picture either and he tells everyone in his school that I am his father. Good thoughts to you bro. Though I'm new here, wanna talk, I'm here for ya.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

She has a 5yr old boy,..

Strike One

..we even flew to meet her parents for the weekend and they were great too.

Strike Two

As far as the sex goes,.well it doesnt much. She keeps telling me that she is for once in her life trying to do relationship right for once well its not all about the sex!

Strike Three! YerrrrrrrrOuuut!

My friend you have broken so many cardinal rules here I'm not sure where to begin, but this is the most important.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3:

Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

When women make you wait for sex, you are not their highest priority. Sexuality is spontaneous chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation of a friendship. It's sex first, then relationship, not the other way around. A woman who wants to fvck you will fly across the country, crawl under barbwire, climb in through your second story bedroom window, fvck the sh!t out of you and wait patiently inside your closet if your wife comes home early from work - women who want to fvck will find a way to fvck. I agree with the takeaway methodology in principle, but in this girl's situation your effort might be better spent with more productive women. I think finding a woman who is unquestionably ready to go is time better spent than trying to solve her head puzzles. I'm of the opinion that If a girl is that into you she'll fvck regardless of ASD or having her friends in the room videotaping it. All women are slvts, you just have to be the right guy to bring it out in them, and this happens before you go back to her place. If you have to plead your case cuddling on the bed, you need to go back to square one and start fresh. This woman is looking for a babysitter not an LTR.

You get points for going after a 26 y.o. but these are negated by her being a single Mommy. You try to excuse this by using your own child as justification, but when all is accounted for a single, childless woman will invaribly be a better choice since she wont come with the same liabilities as a woman with a kid.

Move on now. She already has.

 

[Vulpine]

I feel compelled to point out some reality here to demonstrate how "out" you actually are Rob.

I know that the "not answering the phone at work, only texting" is an attempt to be discreet. I have been guilty of not answering my phone and replying with text when convenient myself. Why? Because the phone was ringing when I was in the middle of gaming a co-worker. Would you interrupt a conversation with someone you were interested in to talk to someone you weren't interested in on the phone? Not only have I done it myself, I watched a woman I was talking to at work decline a phone call when I was chatting with her. "Who's that?" "Oh, this loser keeps stalking me." When I left and passed a minute later, she was texting a reply. Smooth.

And I don't mean to add insult to injury, but the "emotional tampon" and "girlfriend versus boyfriend" themes are apparent in your situation also.

 

[RobLB]

Man this is great therapy!!!!

I gonna try and move on. I just hate to be the the one who cuts the head off the chicken. This chick has had such bad luck with proir abusive cheating boyfriends that I guess I felt sorry for her,..i think thats what actually attracted me to her,..I KNOW,..I'M A SUCKER!!!! I have a big heart,...that fvcks me everytime!!!

I'm just gonna wait till this dying aunt thing blows over so I'm not the complete *******.

Thanks again...

 

[Vulpine]

:cheer:

That's the spirit! YOUR THE PRIZE! Woe be it to the lonely bitter women who don't treat you as such!

*As we break the huddle, everyone gives Rob a slap on the A$$... "go get 'em!"*

 

[Hemingway]

Your biggest mistake was in allowing yourself to get too into her. She resents you for that.

You have no hope of getting her back at this point. Your best hope is to move on. Get busy working out, doing your hobbies, and spending time with your own kid. The only way to influence her might be if she sees you with another girl.

Can anybody list better ways to become "a challenge" in an established relationship?

 

[JC9]

Man this is great therapy!!!!

I gonna try and move on. I just hate to be the the one who cuts the head off the chicken.

I would actually recommend not calling her up and breaking up with her.

The reason is this. If she is in a state where she has little to no interest in you, you breaking up with her will be a huge relief for her and gain you nothing.

If you just go on with living your life, she may start to call and wonder what your up to. But you'll be busy playing basketball with your friends or out fishing or whatever you love to do. You take her call, its nice to hear from her, but you keep it short since you've got things to do.

She may start to gain interest again and you'll then be able to decide if she provides enough value to your life to be worth having her around. If she does provide enough value, you continue to be a stong independant man as her interest level continues to grow and don't buy into her emotions this go around.

Why put the final nail in a coffin you aren't sure yet if you want closed?

 

[biker_gixxer]

This chick has had such bad luck with proir abusive cheating boyfriends that I guess I felt sorry for her,..

Her past isn't your problem.

 

[Desdinova]

Originally Posted by RobLB
She has a 5yr old boy,..


Strike One

Rollo, I need to ask how that's a strike against her? I could understand if he has no kids and doesn't want a ready made family, but he himself has a child. He'd be a hypocrite to write off women with kids.

Now:

This chick has had such bad luck with proir abusive cheating boyfriends that I guess I felt sorry for her

That's yet another red flag. She's like a package that had the 5hit beaten out of it. What's inside is most likely damaged as well. <cue Wyldfire to stick up for women who solve their issues>

i think thats what actually attracted me to her

It's actually very natural for men to be protective of their women. However, it's not worth trying to "protect" or "save" a woman who isn't in a LTR with you. Saving or protecting a woman you're dating will only chase her off. They see this behavior as "creepy".

I'm just gonna wait till this dying aunt thing blows over so I'm not the complete *******.

What's the fvcking point? She's already ditched you in her mind. She doesn't need closure. Just quit calling her and start dating other women. If she actually calls, tell her "I've moved on with my life. Goodbye" and never speak to her again. The quicker you cut her loose, the quicker you cut contact, the quicker you'll recover from the relationship.

You never needed an explanation, so why should she? Throw her number away, and go out tonight to meet some new women!

 

[speedo_meme]

Why is meeting her parents a strike? I figured that's a sign of interest...

 

[penkitten]

ever thought that maybe it really isnt you thats doing anything wrong?

i think that she is dropping interest but not because of anything you are doing or not doing. i think that the relationship has grown into long term and her child just adores you however she is scared of committments because of things in her past and is distancing herself from you. i dont even think she knows she is doing it. i think that in her own head, she simply believes she really is tired and can just act however she wants and make it up to you later when she feels better. she isnt thinking that she is confusing you or that shes hurting you or anything like that. she actually thinks that if she tells you she is just tired and thats why she is acting the way she is, you will understand and not give her any sh!t about it.
by telling you that you have a problem because of what her son said, she is trying to get a reaction from you . she either (a) wants to break up or (b) wants you to say you will be his dad or whatever.

gather your own thoughts and feelings and think about the past few months. does she really seem like she loves you, does she seem to be in love with you, does she act like she wants to make you happy for the rest of your life?

dont break up with her just because a bunch of people online tell you to, but if you arent happy and satisfied or you dont think shes gonna snap out of this, then break it off.

you gotta use the rule of thumb: if you arent happy and they seem uninterested , end it and go out there and find someone who cant get enough of you.