what the heck?

[32swf]

so I've been dating this guy for about 6 weeks now, and things were going well, or so i thought.
He calls tonight and was acting weird and then says he thinks things are moving too fast. that it feels like we're in a relationship and he feels all this pressure, and expectations and he didn't want that until he was ready to get married. He's 30 and I'm 32. I haven't pressured him in any way, he says, but he still feels it. He wants me to date other people, says he feels pressure because he's the only one I'm seeing. apparently when we met, I said I like to just focus my attention on one person, and he went along with that, although he didn't want to stop seeing other people. He believes in monogmy, though, and says he doesn't really want to seeother people - just doesn't want to be exclusive. He says he still wants to see me, and enjoys spending time with me, etc. Just doesn't think things will be long term with us. Then says if two people are meant to be, then they'll end up together.

He's not a player, and hasn't really dated that much. And all his relationships in the past he wanted to be exclusive and the women didn't. so that's how he's come to think about dating.

Now he's left it up to me to decide what I want to do. I don't think we know eachother well enough to be even thinking about these kinds of things. I thought things were going well ( and he agreed). so what happened??? Is he just wigging out??

 

[Runna13=)]

It seems like maybe you've come on a little too strong for him. Seeing that he has been hurt in the past, he's reluctant to commit to anything serious. This kinda reminds me how I once was, maybe still am. Guy wanted something exclusive, girl didn't, guy got hurt, afraid to commit and turned into a pseudo-player. I think you should give it some time, go out on some fun (not serious) dates, and then go on from there. Let him build some trust in you first.

 

[Snoopy]

Never tried

We guys say girls are tough to figure out. Jeez. Good to be a man and not have to worry about this. (or shoes

 

[TesuqueRed]

Ha!--snoops, good one..

32swf (are you gonna change your ID next birthday?--just wondering...) -- he's not grown up enough for you. 6 weeks of dates, no pressure from you and he's wiggin' out? Tell him when he's a big boy to give you a call. Until then, move on date some men.

Harsh, huh?

LJBF him. If true to form, he'll come running back. This opinion is based on his wanting exclusivity and his ex-GFs not. I don't think he's over the issue(s) and the pattern will re-appear. Maybe he's in a transition stage where he's working out of that. That will take 2-3 GFs or more to accomplish, so you're probably #1 in the count.

I suggest all this because it's only been 6 weeks, you've been decent and a red flag comes whippin' up outta nowhere. He's not ready for anything real or he's not ready for you--whatever, the result is the same. I don't think you should try to accomodate this since he'll just get more wigged out or learn to manipulate you with it.

Ok, wait till Jan 2 to do this. Take him dancing, drink more champagne than you should--even get good pounding on New Years if you want it--then sober up, and do it over the phone. You'll have someone better lined up by Valentine's, imo...

 

[32swf]

hmm

I didn't think about LJBFing him. that's an idea.

I can understand him wanting to date around, I think he's starting to realize that he's more of a catch than he thought and wants to act on that. I know his last girlfriend cheated on him and he took it very badly, and was never sure if she was faithful or not, and had to find out she was cheating by snooping on her. so yeah, he's got issues.

I'd like to continue dating him, because I really do like him, but I don't want to be a pansy and just go along with what he says, or wait around until someone better comes along and he dumps me.

I know he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. He doesn't want to lose me, but he wants "permission" to go out with other women if the occassion arises without feeling guilty. I don't want to say 'all or nothing' and drive him away. how do I play this?? go out wih other people?? I'd like to think that if and when that happens he'll get jealous and want me all to himself. thoughts?

 

[Player_Supreme]

Shyt I hate giving the game up to women but:

1. Sorry yes he is a player...I've used that same routine myself. "Uhh no I haven't dated alot of women before...and I'm looking for something exclusive and meaningful.

2. Your just a piece of convienent ass for him. That is why he doesn't see anything long term. Atleast he is honest in that department...

3. If he is saying this right now....then he has another on his deck who is demanding more time from him...and he is stressed about giving it too her and you and balancing his schedule.

4. Some playa's tell half truths...yes they can be honest on the surface but your only seeing the surface truths that are shown.

5. Your gut instinct is telling you the truth...that is why your posting your post...for validation...you don't need it!

 

[Snoopy]

If I were him and you started to date another guy, that might make me think harder about being exclusive.

 

[NatureGuy]

He doesn't sound like a player
(otherwise he wouldn't be so up front
with you), but it sounds like he's not
that interested in you. If you tend to want a relationship (with thoughts of marriage some day) don't waste time with him.
One suggestion: look for guys a little
older than you - their maturity level is likely to be more compatible.

 

[iqqi]

go gangi on his ass!

 

[32swf]

update

so I waited a day and didn't call or email him on Sunday like he expected me to. I IMed him on Monday and we chit chatted for a bit, then I said that I thought it was a good idea if we BOTH saw other people and that we certainly shouldn't limit our options at this point. He asked if I was alright with it, and seemed very concerned that I was ok. (I think he thouht I would take it very badly.) And I am truly ok with it. I've always jumped into serious realationships, and have never really just "dated" someone, so I'm up for it.

No contact on Tuesday.

Wed he IMed me just to wish me a happy new Year. Then two hours later, he called me at home and left a message to say
Happy New Year AGAIN. and that he was still sick and he was staying home that night, and hoped I had fun what ever I did, and that he hoped to hear from me soon.

I'm not going to read too much into this, but I think that playing it cool and accepting that he wants to keep his options open is really going to throw him off because I know he wasn't expecting me to be alright with it.

I'm planning on calling him back tomorrow and now taking it slow and see what happens.
Any thoughts??

 

[NatureGuy]

Sounds good to me, although I can tell
you really like this guy and it's going to
be difficult to play it cool. You've actually
had quite alot of contact with him last few days....

 

[TesuqueRed]

Too early. Call like Mon or Tue.

Enjoy the weekend in the meantime. Don't let him know what you did if he asks, just that you had fun.

 

[32swf]

update

so I waited and called him back on Friday afternoon. He was happy to hear from me, and we chatted for about 40 minutes.

Well, mostly he chatted to me like I was his long lost friend, talking about the past year, how he's now where he thought he'd be when he moved here. He's moody bc it's winter, his job's not going that well, he hasn't made too many friends, he wanted to play in a band, etc. As you guys put it, he was using me as an "emotional tampon". ha ha.

I didn't really know what to do...make him feel better, give him advice, etc. Mostly I just listened. He had to work all weekend, including Sat night, but said he was really glad I called and that he wanted to see me before I go out of town. (I'm leaving on the 10th for 8 days). I was non committal and said yeah, maybe Monday or Wednesday evenings, and he said he'd give me a call.

thoughts?

 

[NewMan]

At first I really thought this guy was a playa.....

But having read your updates, I've changed my mind.

This guy is fvcking WEAK.

Firstly, he wouldn't be wanting to call and talk for that length of time if he was a playa - and has other options. It just doesn't ring true for me.

Now, onto what I really think is going on with this guy.

he's using you.

He doesn't have any other options, but he either thinks he can do better, or has his eye on other girl(s).

He wants to call and stays and chats when it's conveinient for him - when he's ill or not feeling well - and you sat there and became an emotional tampon for him. No guy - in my opinion - who likes you is going to offload all his problems onto you - and be a weak b@stard.

What I believe you should do, is back off big time. Don'
t spend 40 mins on the phone with him when he's at home ill - NEVER listen to his problems like that - over the phone when he's feeling sorry for himself - especially if he doesn't want a commited relationship with you.

Go gangji - tell him your fine seeing other people, and it's a good thing to, because there's this new guy in your office, he's 24, plays football for a local team, has a great body and wants to go out this weekend with you.

If he's interested, he'll pull his chair upto the table.

 

[Jake Steed]

32swf, why are you putting up with this? You WANT a monogamous guy, but he isn't that guy. So why are you compromising yourself? I know so many women just like you who are lonely and afraid to be alone, so they settle for any guy who comes along. No offense, but your guy sounds like a puzzy.

The reason your guy was wigging out is because he isn't really THAT into you. He probably likes you, but doesn't like you ENOUGH to want to be committed to you. That's very common. I've been there before too.

The problem is when you lead a girl on who has very different dating goals than you. When I was in that playing phase, the best girls for me were ones who weren't looking for a committed bf right then. It was the other girls who were looking for exclusivity who were a pain in my a$$. I realized this, and so made great efforts to avoid girls like that. Your bf doesn't have that many options, so he has to deal with girls like you who want a bf.

I think the reason he had this discussion with you about dating other people was because he'd already met someone else he wanted to date. He's probably already going out with her right now. He didn't want to feel like a cheater, so he had that talk with you in order to help ease his guilty feelings. For that, I have to at least give him credit since he talked to you about it and got your permission to fvck other girls rather than go behind your back.

However, you are clearly looking for a monogamous bf and you are clearly stressing over this. You need to break up with this guy and find a guy who's on the same page as you. And playing games like LJBFing him won't work because in the end, do you REALLY want a guy you had to STRONGARM into a relationship?

Jake

 

[icehot]

You are getting played!

Sorry babe, but you are getting played!

Like Player_Supreme, i hate divulging the game to females, but here's a peek...

Do you know how many times i've used this line on my ladies?!! And each time it usually translates to something like: "My interest level in you has dropped significantly. I've started checking out other ladies and found one (or two) that i'm more interested in. Now, i don't want to come off like a player, and i'd like to keep fukking you, but i'd also like to keep fukking other girls. I want to keep you on my backup list in-case plans fall through with my A-list girls. Please agree to this, so that i won't feel too bad when i'm banging the other A-list girls."

So 32swf, he's the best player of all...the kind that makes you believe that he's not a player. Damn, i gotta steal some moves from his play book. The part about emailing and calling you to wish a happy new year is priceless! Just the right touch to keep you still interested.

If you still want this guy, your best move is to ignore his ass (also know as the gangi method) .
Delay all contact (email, phone, IM) everything by 4x the length it usually took you.

for example, if you returned all his call in the past within a 1 day, change it to 4 days. If you returned is emails within 2 days, change it to 8 days etc.
If he asks, give him the "I've been really busy" line and keep the conversations short.


-iceH

 

[32swf]

a little twist

so I just talked to him for 30 minutes. I called him back when I got home and he asked if I was on a date. (darn, I should've lied and said yes.)

we chatted about our weekend and day today. then he says he really wants to hang out with me more and get to know me better. And that he didn't really mean the things he said the other day, and that he doesn't know me enough and he'd like to take things slow and see how things go. And apologizes for being in a bad mood for the past two weeks, (apparently he gets moody in the winter).

He says he doesn't get physical with more than one person at a time, and just wants to take some time to get to know people. He says he's jumped into relationship after relationship and wants to take things differently now, and stop having these "mini divorces" all the time. He said it was a self-protection thing, when I suggested it, and we both agreed that people jump into relationships w/out really knowing eachother first.

He says he felt he was limiting my choices, (although it was my choice to just date him) and he didn't want to be in the way of me meeting other people. He didn't want me to feel that he was "the one" for me without me dating more people. I said I never thought that, it's just the way I date, one person at a time. and he says he just didn't want me to just be focused on him and not give others a chance, and basically make the same mistakes we've both made in the past. He said he had thought he wouldn't just one person exclusively unless he really knew them and thought it would lead to marriage, and said he hasn't known me long enough to be thinking about that. (duh).

then he tells me that he has to work Tuesday evening until 11, and invites me over wed evening for dinner and says to call him if I want to come.

so. I don't think he's a player. I think he's a woman. ha ha. no, I'm going to keep my guard up and take things slow and see what happens. and keep MY options open.

thanks for all the advice.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Re: a little twist

Originally posted by 32swf
...I'm going to keep my guard up and take things slow and see what happens. and keep MY options open....

Then don't take things slow, move on pronto. Going slow won't do much for you.

Unless, of course, you've got nothing better to do...

 

[Kineti[C]harm]

Whenever I tell a girl I'm feeling pressure, expectations and that I'm not ready for any relationship (GF) or commitments it usually comes down to me just wanting to hit that ass while hitting anything else I find attractive on the way. It's what I use to test the waters for a safeguardpvssy I can use whenever I need some good action. This usually happens if I loose attraction for her and don't feel like hanging around her more than for sex.

I'm not going to give you advice on going slow or fast but lets just say that if that man was ME (I'm not 30+ though ) the longer the time a girl spent on me (taking it slow that is) the bigger the chance I would get bored by her and do other girls.

 

[Kineti[C]harm]

Re: a little twist

Originally posted by 32swf
He says he felt he was limiting my choices, (although it was my choice to just date him) and he didn't want to be in the way of me meeting other people. He didn't want me to feel that he was "the one" for me without me dating more people. I said I never thought that, it's just the way I date, one person at a time. and he says he just didn't want me to just be focused on him and not give others a chance, and basically make the same mistakes we've both made in the past. He said he had thought he wouldn't just one person exclusively unless he really knew them and thought it would lead to marriage, and said he hasn't known me long enough to be thinking about that. (duh).

Either he is one of the biggest AFC(I HATE THOSE EXPRESSIONS)/pvussy I've ever seen or he is playing you so bad it's not even funny.

If he is playing you he is rolereversing you and playing on your sympathy and emotions really bad. If you ask me he felt like he was limiting HIS choices not YOURS. And regarding "not focus on him but give others a chance" I'd translate that too get off my back except if it's for sex once in a while or when I'm bored.