What kind of father did you have and what did he teach you?

[SoldMySoul]

Just some random thoughts I had running in my mind about the father I had when growing up and I am curious to see what others say. Was/ Is your father an AFC and did he instill that trait onto you?

For years when I was in my teenage/ mid twenty years I had a grudge against my father because of his infidelity that led to my parents divorcing. Growing up he provided for my brother and I by working and paying the bills. When he was home, he was strict. What did my father teach me about being a man? Absolutely nothing! He passed on no skills, did not teach me how to shave or told me anything about women.

My mother died young and I was 25 years old. That is when I got closer to dad, but not in the sense of your typical father/ son relationship. More like a friend of sorts.

Three years ago my dad was going through a divorce and moved in with me and that lasted 2 years as he remarried. Like I stated above, he and I were more like friends than anything else and he drinks a lot. During one of his drinking sessions he told me that he cheated on my mom all the time. He only told me this because I was having woman problems.

Back in my early years I would have hated him for telling me about all his cheating. I did come up with the conclusion he is not an AFC!!!

I love my pops, but he never showed me how to be a man or never even gave a direction how to do what is right. My morals or ethics come from my mother, GOD rest her soul. My mom was caring; sensitive and loving. I also got most of her traits instead of dads. Sometimes I do wish I could be more callous like dad...

Dad is a straight up player and was weak on fathering skills. He was too busy working two jobs and running the roads. I am not mad at him for it and If I were like him, I would be dangerous with ladies.

What kind of dad did/ do you have? Did he pass anything worthwhile to you? Two things my dad said that I will never forget: "If you are going to be stupid, you gotta be tough. Never put yourself in an embarrassing situation."

I learned how to be a man all by myself and I am still a work in progress, how about you?

 

[Crissco]

Im only 23 years old but we have a similar story. My father cheated on my mother when I was 13 and they got a divorce and to this day I still hold certiran things againts him. I grew up with my mother and my two older cousions since he wasnt around enough physically. I love him to death but still you know. He taught me certian things through action, without him even realizing it. How to be funny, corny jokes, standing up for yourself. But he never told me to do any of these things, I just see he does them for himself, which is selfish but I take what I see with him and if I like it I copy it over into me. Funny part is, I live with him now and it hasnt been too bad. Just certian selfish things he does pisses me off, but whatever gotta take the good with the bad.

 

[High Voltage]

I have huge respect for my dad when it comes to life in general. When it comes to dealing with people, what he taught me gave me a solid foundation upon which to base my sense of self-worth (i.e. not based on material possessions, what others think of you, or how you measure up to others).

Among the things he drilled in:

sometimes last is first = meaning let others rush in and fall prey to the traps first, also the stupidity of competition that is either frivolous or not beneficial.

learn from others' mistakes, because you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

When it comes to women my dad is a total AFC. He basically does whatever my mom wants him to without voicing his (often valid) concerns. I think this is because my grandfather (who had a backbone) never talked to my dad about being a man. In fact, they didn't really talk much.

I'm sure my dad contributed to my AFC-ness, but the lion's share was heaped upon me by the media. Of that I am certain.

 

[Jitterbug]

My Dad was attractive to many women because of his high status, among other things, but he was insecure of his abilities and very paranoid about getting scammed by women (well it was true that lots of women were trying to hit gold by trapping him). He taught me nothing directly about women when I was younger, however, the positive masculine way he carried himself in marriage with my Mum has a great influence on me. He thinks that I'm far better than him in many ways (not true, it's mostly opportunities and better upbringing) so he never teaches me much and prefers letting me learn things on my own.

It's only after I started learning Game a few years back that we talked about women & other things in life, and I found him a great source of advices when it comes to protecting yourself from the lies of women. For example, when my HPD ex told me she was raped, Dad was the first one I called and he immediately told me to double check her story, as he felt she was hiding something. He saved me from a lot of mindfvcking that I could've copped in that potential trainwreck of a relationship. He also taught me many little tricks to deal with women in the workplace and use them to your advantage.

 

[Poonani Maker]

My dad was a total badas5. I wish, that I, had his lawyeresque brain and looks. I do not wish to have his pride. He is too prideful and that has hurt him both financially and relationship-wise. 2 divorces and now lives alone and broke (on his pension), and has not worked from his late 50s until present, about 10 years nada work. He's lazy a fvck, and cares about hardly anyone or anything. Me and my brothers have trouble talking to him.

In his photos from his 20s and 30s he looked like Robert Wagner http://img1.seite3.ch/news/309/234696-robertwagner.jpg

now he looks like Nick Nolte http://news.superiorpics.com/2006/06/29/NICK_NOLTE_SETTLES_SEX_LAWSUIT.html

My dad taught me a lot about nature and how to camp, ride horses, bird hunting, fishing, what to tell the cops if you end up shooting someone (there's 5 steps you must take), how to treat women naturally with sensitivity and not harshly how they are objectified today. Having had a lot of sex, I think that country music coincides with the best mindset to have in how to treat a woman. The lyrics of these songs treat a "good" woman tenderly.

 

[Maxtro]

My parents divorced when I was 3. They were both in their early 20's.

I lived with my mom till I was 13. So from 3-13, I only saw my dad every other weekend or, four days a month.

Most of that time, I was living with an overbearing, stressed out, single mother of two. My father had little to no impact in raising me.

At 13 my brother and I moved in with my dad and his new wife. Few months later, the wife was pregnant. Being the oldest of three children I got very little attention. For some reason I can't think of anything I learned from my father.

Incidentally, I feel that my dad didn't have any impact on my upbringing at all, even though I lived with him. Of course I had food and a place to live, but it seemed like the bare minimum. I always did poorly in school, terrible with girls and my father and step-mother didn't seem to care. I don't remember getting any guidance whatsoever.

The only thing I can remember my parents trying to push me into was joining the chess club. It was hardly a cool thing to do, and I wasn't good at or even enjoyed chess. I never did join the club.

Frankly I believe that my parents failed with me and the brother that's three years younger than myself. That's a big reason why the both of us turned out to be very depressed and live lonely lives.

Now they are doing a much better job raising my youngest brother who is now 16. He's their chance to not go wrong with my brother and I.

Recently my father has started to give me advice on work and women but it's far too late to have any effect.

 

[ken chang]

Father issues

OK, I have father issues so brace yourselves.

First of all, I do not hate my late father anymore. I merely want to participate in this post because I find it an interesting topic for discussion.

My father was a natural. He was athletic, popular and good with the ladies and he landed my mom who was way out of his league.

I was nothing like him. It was probably one of the reasons why he was so disappointed in me. And yes, he let me know in more than one occasion about how unlucky he was to have me as a son. He also took the side of my weirdo uncle who sexually harassed me when I was 13.

My brother was also a natural and therefore, my father's favorite. So whenever my brother stole from our relatives, beat up his wife, or committed other acts of violence towards women(which I will no longer elaborate on here), my father would be the first to defend him and pull the necessary strings to get him out of his mess.

I understand why, as a father, he would do anything to save his son, my brother, from going to prison. Nonetheless, I lost all respect for him since we had such opposing views of right and wrong.

He died in my arms years later from a heart attack(according to the doctors).

I did not shed a single tear for him.

What did I learn from my father? When the sky is reddish, it might rain. That's it.

 

[romangod]

My father is still alive at 85 and is probably not much longer for this world. The physical and mental deterioration is evident every time I see him.

He's Eastern European and had an old school marriage to my mother who is now 81 and living in a nursing home due to a stroke. They both had never been with anyone else which is so rare these days.

He's all man and led a pretty extraordinary life. At 19 he joined the army in WW2 in a country with unique circumstances. There was a civil war taking place during the actual war.


His side lost and he was alone as a refugee fleeing for his life from the victorious enemy who would show him no mercy. He wouldn't see his home again for another 56 years when he felt safe to return.

He ended up alone in Munich where he heard of 3 single women of his nationality and religion. Here he met my mother whom he courted like a true Don Juan.

They married and had 5 children with me being the second youngest.


Just once in my youth he gave me some advice that I've never forgotten. With his broken English he looked me in the eye and said:


"Meet nice girl but don't knock her down."


All I could do is laugh and assure him that I wouldn't.


Cheers!

 

[zekko]

My dad died when I was fairly young, and he was fairly old when I did know him, so I think I missed out on a lot as far as having a good strong male role model. I'm sure that had some effect on some mistakes I made early on. He was always loyal to my mom though, so I suppose I take after him in that way (I'm generally pretty loyal to my girlfriends, as long as they merit it).

 

[vatoloco]

Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery... My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament...

But overall, he was a good dad.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

How timely this topic is.

My policy is generally not to post personal stories and info about myself or my past since it's the first thing anyone will use to justify anyone's beliefs or a rationale for what they espouse rather than making an attempt to understand the point objectively. However, I'm going to break that rule now.

On the evening of September 10th, 2010, at the age of 72 my Father died. I hate saying "passed away" because weak people think this is some kind of buffer for the harsh truth that a person has exited this world. He's dead, OK? I can handle it. It didn't come as a shock, he'd been afflicted with early onset Alzheimer's / Dementia since 2004. I knew his days were numbered. He lost his ability to swallow and once that happens things like pneumonia become deadly. He died in his sleep from fluid in his lungs.

I happened to be headed out on vacation to Oregon when my brother called and I made travel changes to go to Reno to be with him and my mother. Basically I drove about 7 hours to and from to be with them for roughly 3-4 hours. At the time I kept asking myself why I bothered. No one was really making a big deal out of his death. My Father was never religious; quite the opposite actually, he was an atheist crusader in his prime. We had him cremated without any real fanfare, but I intend to spread his ashes somewhere significant in private. He became a little more open spiritually later in life, but nothing anyone could put a label on or he'd openly admit to. It was really a more subtle change in his attitude I noticed as my brother and I matured into Fathers ourselves. He was a man who prided himself on his intellect, so the karmic irony of him dying from Alzheimer's isn't lost on me.

When I got to Reno and Tahoe (to see my mom) we went through a lot of my Dad's personal effects, most of which were some very old pictures that I'd never seen before. Then it kind of dawned on me that I only really knew half of my Father's life. My estimation of his time spent on this earth was only what I knew of him from the age of about 40. I could only really understand my Dad from the time I actually spent with him, which wasn't much even as he was raising my brother and I as a single Father. There was a whole half a life of him I had no knowledge of and now I had to piece together to really understand how he became the man he was.

There was a time when my Dad was a completely different person than the frustrated, often angry, uptight man I grew up with. He was different. I could tell he was genuinely happy in his marriage with my mother for a brief stretch of time in the early 60s into the 70s. He was most definitely a beta provider for his whole life, but not in the effeminate modern sense. He did what he thought was expected of him and excelled in his career (and finances) not because of some overwhelming ambition, but rather he did it because he thought it was an expectation of him. There was always a certain, mostly misguided, order he thought he should follow and that if he played by the established rules he would be rewarded accordingly. The problem with that of course is that the game is always changing and people play less and less in the "established" rules. I think this was his primary source of frustration in life and with the women he involved himself with.

Knowing how the world works now I'm not surprised that my mother left and took up with a disco king bad boy for about 10 years after their divorce. I'm equally unsurprised that my Dad later married a single mother who soaked up his time, money and good intent until she too had no use for him. I came across a photo of my father's side of the family shot in the early 90s and looked at the expressions on everyone's faces. All his brothers, sisters, their spouses, mom and dad, had smiles on their faces; my step-mother looked as if she wanted to be anywhere else on earth but there. That one expression told me more than any diary ever could. My Father had married a shrew and a parasite who ultimately left him once he'd been forced into early retirement. She passively destroyed his life and his plans for the future because he was still playing by "the rules". When I compare that to the BPD woman I'd allowed to own me for four and a half years in my 20s, the contrast was stark for me. I broke the cycle with my awakening and my own marriage.

My Father, even into his dementia, was the epitome of Cap'n Save a Ho. I hate to speak ill of him, especially now, because in spite of himself I love him to death, but it's true. He tried to negotiated desire his entire life. I'll fix your problems in exchange for intimacy, love and sex. It's tragic that he never made this connection and he took it to the grave. His was a life of trying to figure things out as to why people wouldn't play by the rules they themselves would create. My Father was very deductive, and all at face value. He believed that women's words could be believed - even when their actions proved their intent - and that they could be trusted to be rational.

Another irony of such an otherwise scientific man was his unwillingness to apply his analytical nature to his personal relationships. I can remember him laughingly tell me he'd never understand women, and it wasn't until later that I appreciated how defeatist this was. The man's religion was skepticism and humanism, yet he'd never apply the same scientific method to his marriages or women - it was always voodoo. I've always said that ONEitis and the soulmate mythology are more sacred than any religion, any reason or any science. I think this is when I came to understand it as a fallacy. I expect a certain degree of predestined, conveniently useful, soulmate mythology from religion, but it still shocks me how fervently well reasoned intellectuals cling to it too.

It's strange to be thinking of my Dad in the past tense now. I want to say I could've written his obituary well before his death, but that wouldn't be true. I'm actually fascinated by my parents upbringing and the character of my grandparents. I have a daughter and I can say truthfully that I'm an open book to her in ways my parents never were with me. It's important that she knows my faults and my virtues. I think most parents want to distance themselves from the indiscretions of their pasts in the thinking that by doing so their kids will avoid them too, but the truth is that the effect of those indiscretions is indelible. We're going to reflect those decisions and their consequences in some respect whether we cop to them or not. Our kids are going to feel them, and hear their echoes in themselves - I think they deserve to know why. I think it's healthier to tell them and hash them out despite embarrassment or the fear that the child might repeat the same sin.

 

[Kailex]

I have a divided opinion about my father.

Like Rollo, I would have want to keep this to myself, but this thread has forced me to re-open the file to my father.

First off, I know my father loves me very much and that sometimes he might regret the way he brought me up. An ex-drill sergeant and leader/captain/whatever to a group of tank drivers (whatever they are called), he was REALLY harsh on me on a LOT of things.

As I grew older, he became stricter.

My mom and him divorced at my age 16.
I know it was really rough on him but he made a LOT of mistakes that led her to cheat on him. He finally let go of her, and not a year later, he met the "love of his life". I was happy for him. I hadn't seen him smile... other than when I graduated or whenever he came to see me play basketball.

He called me one day, nervously... asking me to be the best man at his wedding. I agreed saying "How could I possibly turn this down?"

I was 19 at the time and his hard, cold, and stern ways turned into a father that tried to be the loving man he never was. He knows it now, that I appreciate it. He was the first person to tell me when I was a teenager: Don't tie yourself down to one woman, don't do what I did.

He instilled a lot of DJ qualities in me even though he wasn't really practicing them himself with my mother.

Once he remarried, I saw the dynamic him and my stepmother have. It's unusual. She makes ALL of the income. He doesn't work anymore but he's still the leader of that household. His decisions are final although "some" input from her is allowed.

I say that he somewhat regrets how he raised me because he was cold... so I was raised to be a cold person. I was raised to never show my cards and never wear my feelings on my sleeve. He taught me a lot of things well, but I also learned by looking at him operate.

Our relationship has gotten a LOT better in the past few years. He's my best friend and my father and I still am his best man.

"The best revenge is living well"

I learned that from him. Once he let go of the chance of getting back with my mom... he was happy with my step-mom and still is... and I couldn't even begin to tell you how much that kills my mother. So all of the things encoded in the DJ Bible have come full circle for me.

He's made his mistakes, but he's redeemed himself as well.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Rollo, sorry to hear about your dad and THANKS for allowing this thread to continue. I think it is vital and important for us to discuss how we are and what we have become because of our dad!!

Seems there are a lot of stories that elude to the fact many of our fathers failed in their overall parental duties. In a way it is probably why I decided not to be a father myself.

From what I see, the dads that have younger children are doing worse than what our dads did. Could it be that is an accurate reflection of their rearing from dad? I certainly think so!

I, to a certain degree hold it against my dad, but play the card I was dealt. Right now in my life I need my dad probably more than I ever have and hope he does not let me down.

Men used to be tougher!!! I watched an incredible program the other morning called: Alone in The Wilderness. If you are not familiar with it, you need to be!!! It demonstrates how tough, smart and creative men used to be. Has nothing to do with gaming of the fairer sex, but has all to do with a bigger issue. While watching this special program I thought about what did Richard's father teach him and what made him take off to Alaska?


So far, some good stuff here and again thanks Rollo!

 

[Poonani Maker]

Men used to be tougher!!! I watched an incredible program the other morning called: Alone in The Wilderness. If you are not familiar with it, you need to be!!! It demonstrates how tough, smart and creative men used to be. Has nothing to do with gaming of the fairer sex, but has all to do with a bigger issue.


So far, some good stuff here and again thanks Rollo!

Funny you mention that documentary. My dad referred me to it 2 years ago and I downloaded and saved it. Honest man, there. It was narrated by a different voice though, and I guess that they superimposed the man's thoughts onto his self-filmed actions in the video.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Funny you mention that documentary. My dad referred me to it 2 years ago and I downloaded and saved it. Honest man, there. It was narrated by a different voice though, and I guess that they superimposed the man's thoughts onto his self-filmed actions in the video.

It was narrated by the producer of the film, Bob Swerer. Bob's son and he took the original footage shot by Richard,from late sixties and on through the years. The voice is from Bob, SR and the thoughts were from actual journals kept from the man. This video and entire story of a truly fabulous man has me envious as well as holding high regard for Mr. Proenneke, think I spelled it right. This man was a hero in my book!!!

For those interested and if you aren't, you really should be!! I am telling you this much, " IT WILL DO SOMETHING TO YOU!"

http://www.aloneinthewilderness.com/

 

[spider_007]

What kind of father did you have and what did he teach you?

Didn't have one - raised by a single mother. He used to beat her so they divorced early on. She never deted, that is untill i turned 20....then she married some tick headed loser who can't keep a job.

In another words - never had a male rolemodel.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Every mma fighter has daddy issues. We're a lot like strippers.

My dad is a good soul, and I love him...but he got stuck being a father at a young age and he was awful at it. His dad beat him constantly then left when he was 12. Therefore, all my dad knew about being a dad was to #1 not beat me and #2 not leave. He did manage those two goals. However, he probably should have extended the "no beatings" rule to include my mother, which would have likely made her not hit me so much. Growing up with her was like the Martin Lawrence comedy skit where his mama keeps smacking him across the face any time he says something she doesn't like. I don't get many compliments on my very mediocre fighting skills, but one that I hear a lot is "you can really take a punch!" It's true; I learned as a child.

Everyone carries their daddy issues with them through life. Either you focus it productively or you let it destroy you. Many of the world's greatest achievers and richest men are actually trying foremost to get the recognition they never got from their dads, even if only subconsciously. I would guess a lot of prisoners are in jail due to the same issue. The difference is focus.

 

[FairShake]

Didn't have one...sensing a trend here btw. He was a scam artist by trade and my mom fell in and out of love with him in the course of a year. His rampant alcoholism, gambling debts and scary collectors, and other girlfriend didn't help. NEVER respected the man. He hasn't, until this day, ever had his life in order. And he's 60 years old.

I was lucky and blessed with a hardworking mother who raised me well and had the knowledge and foresight to raise me amongst family, the church (cue priest jokes please) and eventually a great stepfather in my teen years who taught me what being a man was about.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Didn't have one...sensing a trend here btw.

I was lucky and blessed with a hardworking mother who raised me well and had the knowledge and foresight to raise me amongst family, the church (cue priest jokes please) and eventually a great stepfather in my teen years who taught me what being a man was about.

It is women like your mother and mine that are/ were truly special people!!!!!!! My mother gets all the credit in my development and funny thing is my dad even acknowledges this.

I have a twin brother and he has been less than stellar with his 16 year old son. He moved several states away from him about 3 years ago and only provides for the child in the form of child support; seeing him a few times a year. My brother and I were talking about my dad and how he (my brother) has been doing raising his son. Bro falls back on, "Dad was a terrible father and I know I am not a good father." In my brother's defense, he made an honest attempt to have the child move to be with him so he could be properly raised.

No wonder why mother's day is a bigger deal than father's day. Parents say there is no manual on how to raise children, but if more dads would take a proactive stance being in their kids lives things would be better for our world.

 

[Warrior74]

I've posted about my dad before. Good man in every respect, just didn't teach me jack about women. He's my role model, I strive to be more like him.