What is going on with this girl?

[jkars25]

Alright, I'll try to explain this sequence of events as best as I can up until present time.

Approximately 8 weeks ago I went on a first date with this girl. We met for coffee, it went really well and she suggested we see each other again.

Second date I kissed her good night. We ended up going on 5 dates during September, so for about a month. We both saw our relationship as "dating." Physically things moved slow, the most is just some cuddling and kiss good night, no hardcore making out or anything. Not that it mattered to me, I'm just saying that to accurately portray what our relationship was like during those 4 weeks.

She would send me text messages all the time, we talked on the phone every other night for nearly an hour. Then out of nowhere she got sick, then she was really busy, and turned down several offers of mine for future dates. I straight up asked her if she had lost interest (I have no intention of participating in stupid dating games and interpreting mixed signals and stuff). I basically gave her an easy out. Well she said that she really liked me and just happened to be really busy.

After that things got a little more weird. Not only was she always "busy" but she wouldn't return my calls and instead would only send me text messages. So eventually I called the whole thing off and said sorry this is not going to work out. She still claimed she was actually just busy, but said ok. So we had officially "broken up."

Since I was technically the one who called things off, I changed my mind (12 hours later. I know, I know...) and basically said I wanted to continue seeing each other. She said she needed some space and time to figure things out. So I said ok. I sent flower to her work a few days later in a last ditch attempt to win her over. It only upset her. So a week goes by with no contact whatsoever.

This leads me up to two days ago on Thursday. It was her birthday so I sent an innocent text message that just said happy birthday, hope you had a good one. She replied "thanks" and then I invited her to volunteer with me Saturday morning (which was earlier today) at a running race. She was interested, then called me up and we talked on the phone for over an hour! We never directly addressed whether this would be a date or not, we just talked normal conversational stuff. Catching up, etc. She even wanted to drive in the same vehicle to the race site, which would have been a 30 min trip both ways. So I just figured things were "back on" and that we were dating again.

Well at the last minute she tells me she is bringing a MALE friend along, and that they will be driving together and they will follow my vehicle. I just went along with it and said "ok sounds good."

So, of course, since she brought her male friend I wasn't going to make any moves. I was very social with her friend, I brought them both some cappucinos (this was an early morning thing, 7:00 am). We all got along well -- but in no way was this a "date." All around it was a good time, the three of us got along and had a good time. So anyways...

I have no idea what is going on now. If it is "friends only" at this point then I have no intention of maintaining any sort of relationship. I just don't have time for another "friend" at this point in my life.

If she has no intention of dating again, then I'd just like to hear that from her so I can finally get some closure to this ordeal.

I do not want to play games and try to read her mind. My plan is to simply call her up and make sure she knows that my intention was that we were going on a date -- and basically see if we are on the "same page" or not. The point of this phone call will be to figure out whether this is going anywhere or not.

I am 25, I have a professional career, and I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm not looking for games and casual dating.

(a) My gut tells me she is not interested and for some reason just doesn't want to blatantly tell me that she's not interested in seeing me.

(b) I am confused though, since instead of politely declining my invitation to volunteering -- she agrees and then brings a friend. Is it possible this was some sort of test to see how I would react?

(c) Should I just consider this weird "bring-a-friend-along" meetup thing a giant fvcking "hint" and just move on and cut off all contact? Or is it logical for me to still wonder what the hell is going on?

My left brain knows I am being strung along like a yoyo and used like a tampon but my right brain refuses to acknowledge.

 

[SecondHalf]

She got busy because ....

You didn't find the way to turn hand holding and a kiss goodnight to anything more substantial, she found someone who did.
You were too available, she found someone who wasn't.

Bottom line, she was interested in you at the beginning, but ... it was too easy.

Pretty cold of her to bring the "friend".
The "friend" btw, was 90% the fellow who got her to do the upside down bicycle ride for him.

Write this one off. Read this forums.
And welcome.

SH

 

[betheman]

How old are we? you sound about 15 years old.
bottom line is, you failed to esclate sexually with this ...female! you lost her, now you are in the friend zone with the added benefit of a personal c0ckblocker...the female friend.
no words that come out of your mouth or from your heart can redeem this, try telling her to fcck off and you never want to see her again...seriously, she may well just do that, on the other hand it will show her you actualy do posess a pair of gonads and may re ignite a spark of interest.


reached my 10 post limit....10 fcking posts!!! this site is really good but this is a joke. anyway in answer to what you should do now JK, go ghost on her, dont contact her, dont engage in any dialogue with her if she texts or calls you, you are too busy, keep yourself vague, dont give her responses, they are like oxygen to women. if she persists, tell her, your d1ck is swolen with rage and tell her what you want her to do with it and Im being serious

 

[jkars25]

You are both probably right. I'm just debating whether I should let her know she's a confusing, disrespectful *****... or just walk away.

 

[jkars25]

Realtime update:

1:09 PM she sends me a text message with just a smiley face

(As I said, the volunteering thing that she brought her male friend to, happened this morning)

It's like she is deliberately trying to fvck with my mind.

 

[SecondHalf]

Don't complain to her. Validates her win.
Don't reply to that smiley or any other contact.
Then ... You win, and keep your self respect.

SH

 

[jkars25]

Don't complain to her. Validates her win.
Don't reply to that smiley or any other contact.
Then ... You win, and keep your self respect.

SH

One added complexity is that we both live with our parents. Before anyone says something smart -- she is 23 and finishing her undergrad, I am 25 and live with my mom because I am temporarily moved in to help her afford her house by paying rent.

 

[Albatross953]

You work on your life and have some faith that either her or some other chick will do it. Attract, don't chase.

 

[jkars25]

You work on your life and have some faith that either her or some other chick will do it. Attract, don't chase.

Dude I spend 50 hours a week working and another 15 hours a week training, and in season spend a good chunk of time traveling to races. I usually don't give a sh1t about women and never run into this kinda problem. This situation is unique....somehow she has triggered some kind of emotional reaction in me and it's messing with my head.

 

[Albatross953]

Well NC is gospel around here, but you're an inch from LJBF. I did the same thing, gave her two months and then went for it. I got my no. I'm moving on, but both ways suck.
Either make a move on her or don't. But both ways, be prepared to next her.
And I'm not saying you're not working at your life, I'm just saying keep that the focus.

 

[jkars25]

Well NC is gospel around here, but you're an inch from LJBF. I did the same thing, gave her two months and then went for it. I got my no. I'm moving on, but both ways suck.
Either make a move on her or don't. But both ways, be prepared to next her.
And I'm not saying you're not working at your life, I'm just saying keep that the focus.

Good advice. Basically I'm on 4th and long, but i'm going for it.

 

[JBB84]

JK, Have you read The Game? By Neil Strauss - do it. For now, don't initiate contact, look really good, and play it cool for now. You have to play it off to her like its allll good in your life. Put up a picture on facebook with a hot girl. Watch the prying begin, and the interest go UP. If you do anything desperate at this point, you'll be written off as a joke.

 

[jkars25]

JK, Have you read The Game? By Neil Strauss - do it. For now, don't initiate contact, look really good, and play it cool for now. You have to play it off to her like its allll good in your life. Put up a picture on facebook with a hot girl. Watch the prying begin, and the interest go UP. If you do anything desperate at this point, you'll be written off as a joke.

Thank you for the advice, I just bought the kindle edition and am reading it now. I did respond to her smiley text, but not until the evening when I was at a party. All I said was:

"I'm dressed up as batman. Try and tell me that doesn't turn you on a little " She responded "Goof. Have fun, I'm doing homework." And that was it. I realize I should have said nothing, instead I essentially rewarded cold and disrespectful behavior.

From this point I will go "no contact" as you guys call it. And I will read that book. You know what, if she doesn't want me then it's her loss. I have an awesome life and eventually I will meet somebody who respects me and makes my life even more awesome. I think I am just disappointed because I was hoping that she was going to be that person. But clearly she is not. I would be a fool to think otherwise at this point.

 

[BlackEricNorthman]

God that was painful to read, mainly because it felt familiar. I wanted to punch you in the balls around the time you sent her flowers at work. The great thing about coming here for advice and experiencing the aggravation you're feeling with this girl is that a similar situation will never happen to you again.

One thing I would add is the whole deal with bringing the extra "friend" along to the race. Had I talked to an ex or even a girl I was just banging and the original plan was just for the two of us to meet up, then I get there and I found out she tries to change plans by bringing another dude in the mix I would of laughed in their faces, told her to have a good life, and driven off for good.

That was a woman's attempt at marking territory. Not only was she indirectly showing off her ambivalence to you, but she was putting the new guy at ease and showing off her high value to him as well. "Look I just got guys trying to get at me all the time, HERE'S ONE RIGHT NOW."

I had a very similar situation as you with an ex years ago. Replace "Brought male friend along to race" with "Tried to go behind my back and tag along to a New Years vip club outing with my friends while bringing the new boyfriend". Thankfully I got a good friend who shot her down for me or I possibly would of invited them (I should punch my past self in the **** for even thinking that).

 

[cordoncordon]

I could write a long story about how you f'd up and how I did that in the past and you could learn from this and this and that.

Instead I will just say, and you you will have to trust me on this, but you should

"move on, go no contact, never talk to her again unless she shows up at your door buck naked and dripping wet".

The end.

 

[flashpoint]

it is pretty easy to figure that one out actually. if she was really interested do you think she would have brought that dude with her? there is nothing more you need to know with this one.

as for the why:
SecondHalf has already said it. i just want to add the obvious and that is your ditching her and then trying to get her back, just killed any attraction. it became a power struggle and you gave her the upper hand on a silver plate.

the "emotions" you feel towards her are the result of small moments of sexual frustration summing up over time. you might not even realize this but trust me every time we think a girl is special it is because of blue balls.

btw. you dont need to question yourself because of your living situation. you are doing an honorable thing helping out your relatives whereas she on the other hand yet has to get out of the nest. big difference.

anyways. you have killed any attraction with her and what you now have is a cat that likes to play with mice. dont be the mouse, be a man and tell her to have a nice life and all the best, but you move on and this time for good. and then do it. and if you are feeling weak and cant do it like most of us, just go no contact without any explanation and treat the problem like an addiction (you cant go back to this place or you are doomed).

and concerning further encounters with the opposite sex know this: things can become serious, but only if they are not serious to begin with. you put too much weight on the relationship in the beginning and you will kill that spark that is its life. after that everything becomes just awkward. so keep it light and stay curious, be ready to be surprised (you dont know sh!t about her yet, so dont be too sure) and playfully but steadily escalate while still strongly communicating your boundaries. and be consistent otherwise you will come across like a girl that is unable to make up her mind and that is just the opposite of attractive.

 

[Greasy Pig]

She has another dude pounding her (possibly the guy she brought to your "date") but you're the "good guy" she wants to keep on the hook for when the bad boy who's reaming her arse dumps her.
Don't accept this blatant disrespect any longer.
Don't give this manipulating cvnt the time of day.

 

[vatoloco]

Imma give you my take since I haven't done my good deed of the day. You're a lucky guy.

Approximately 8 weeks ago I went on a first date with this girl. We met for coffee, it went really well and she suggested we see each other again.

Okay, so far so good.

Second date I kissed her good night.

Is this a good, open-mouth kiss or just a little peck on the lips or cheek? Just curious...

We ended up going on 5 dates during September, so for about a month. We both saw our relationship as "dating."

Okay, this is where it starts going downhill. What do you mean "we both saw"? I get the feeling that she just needed someone to give her some attention/affection without getting too emotionally-attached herself.

Physically things moved slow, the most is just some cuddling and kiss good night, no hardcore making out or anything. Not that it mattered to me, I'm just saying that to accurately portray what our relationship was like during those 4 weeks.

But it DOES matter, unfortunately. If a woman has mediocre IL (Interest Level) in you, she will keep her physical interactions with you to a bare minimum. A woman who has the hots for you is normally gonna want to rip your tongue out with hers and ride your Baloney Pony.

Sounds to me like she didn't really dig you that much from the beginning...

She would send me text messages all the time, we talked on the phone every other night for nearly an hour. Then out of nowhere she got sick, then she was really busy, and turned down several offers of mine for future dates.

It feels to me like she found someone else who she was more attracted to. Don't feel bad though, bro. Happens to all of us.

I straight up asked her if she had lost interest (I have no intention of participating in stupid dating games and interpreting mixed signals and stuff). I basically gave her an easy out.

Never, EVER ask a woman that. Let them be the first to verbalize things. It's better that way.

Well she said that she really liked me and just happened to be really busy.

Translation: "I marginally dig you and since you like me more than I like you, I want to keep you as an Orbiter so you can keep stroking my ego."

After that things got a little more weird. Not only was she always "busy" but she wouldn't return my calls and instead would only send me text messages.

Never good signs.

So eventually I called the whole thing off and said sorry this is not going to work out. She still claimed she was actually just busy, but said ok. So we had officially "broken up."

Sorry to bust your chops here son but, it wasn't anything to begin with. So you went on a few dates and held hands and shit. It don't mean a thing. To her, you were just a temporary distraction until something better came along. She never asked you to be exclusive with her, telling me that she was only marginally interested in you.

And again, never verbalize "emotional stuff". It's not your job. It's hers.

Since I was technically the one who called things off, I changed my mind (12 hours later. I know, I know...) and basically said I wanted to continue seeing each other.

Again, Imma call you out. You freaked out (I suspect this is the only girl you were seeing): "Shit! I've got no other girls to fall back on! Better ask her back so that I least have SOMEONE!"

IDK how well-versed you are in Game but I would recommend that you start Spinning Plates (seeing other girls) stat! See the link at the bottom in my sig.

She said she needed some space and time to figure things out. So I said ok.

When a woman says this, it's over. Finito. Stick a fork in it; it is done.

I sent flower to her work a few days later in a last ditch attempt to win her over. It only upset her. So a week goes by with no contact whatsoever.

Ouch. I literally cringed at my desk as I read this. Never, ever do this again. You sent flowers to a chick who doesn't dig you? That's one of the worst things you can do. She sees it as you trying to "buy her" back and diminishes your value in her eyes and in the eyes of anything who she tells. Because we all know she told all of her girlfriends (and the guy or three that she is now fucking) how "some loser sent her flowers at work."

Sorry bro if I'm being a little harsh on you but you need to hear these things. It's good for you. You are at good age to turn things around and become a Good Man, who will be valuable in the Sexual Market Place (SMP) in about ten years or so.

This leads me up to two days ago on Thursday. It was her birthday so I sent an innocent text message that just said happy birthday, hope you had a good one.

She replied "thanks" and then I invited her to volunteer with me Saturday morning (which was earlier today) at a running race. She was interested, then called me up and we talked on the phone for over an hour!

"What's this? Free attention without me getting emotionally attached or putting out!? Sure! Sign me up!"

We never directly addressed whether this would be a date or not, we just talked normal conversational stuff. Catching up, etc. She even wanted to drive in the same vehicle to the race site, which would have been a 30 min trip both ways. So I just figured things were "back on" and that we were dating again.

Never assume things. To you, it was "back on" to dating as usual. To her, it was just a chance at getting more attention.

Well at the last minute she tells me she is bringing a MALE friend along, and that they will be driving together and they will follow my vehicle.

This is the new dude. He is the one pounding her pussy.

I just went along with it and said "ok sounds good."

Ouch. Never do this again.

So, of course, since she brought her male friend I wasn't going to make any moves. I was very social with her friend, I brought them both some cappucinos (this was an early morning thing, 7:00 am).

Holy shit! You got them drinks!? For this chick who doesn't really dig you and the dude who's fucking her!? Imma stop reading right here.

Son, you need major help. Stop whatever you're doing right now and start reading the DJ Bible (link at the bottom of the page).

Good luck to you, my friend!

 

[jonhaul]

You need help man... Just remember women are just people too and if one woman don't work out just move on to the next one. Sometimes "********" is difficult to understand I have a hard time translating it myself too sometimes.

 

[Slickster]

The other guys have given you good advice but I will add one thing.

In the early stages of a relationship never spend hours talking on the phone. That is what kids do in high school. Use the phone for a brief chat and setting up a date. That is it. You need to show her that you are too busy for chatting on the phone. Always end the call before she does.