Went full blown retard'o AFC! (A year later rant...)

[Lotus Effect]

Hey guys!

I'm feeling really off these days.

Ever since I've heard news from the ex, all those past feelings woken up again. For you who don't know what I'm talking about, she ramdomly met a friend of mine last week, they talked a bit, she asked about me, then she left...
Only to return a minute later to say to him: 'Tell Lotus I've sent him a kiss, would'ya?'

I know, and I never tried to hide the fact that I'm not over her from anyone in here, or in my real life for that matter, but I was doing quite ok pushing those feelings deeper and deeper.

And now they are back. I'm dreaming about her more often, always sh*tty dreams, and she is back on my mind constantly.

I know I've once said on some illuminated post of mine that a day I don't talk about her is a day I'm getting over her, and I've promised myself I wouldn't talk about her this week, but it has become quite a struggle for me.

Thoughts of getting back, of her reapearing in my life are a constant in my days now, even though I'm well aware that we can never go back together, and, what saddens me even more, is that she is never going to reapear in my life...

...which should be a good thing, 'cause she is not worthy of my time, but it is really crushing.

I'm feeling like a dweeb posting this in here, but sosuave has been so helpfull when the situation was worse, so I'm sure it will be again. But seriously, I can't believe I'm feeling this bad again because of a girl that could not care less about me. I just can't admit that I'm feeling so crushed by someone who I don't hear nothing about for over an year, and, in the meantime, I'm completely irrelevant to her.

It has been over a f*cking year now. If I was irrelevant when we were together, imagine now. And more important, her opinion should not matter to me...

...But sadly it does!

I guess this is one of my first full blown AFC posts, but it has been really really hard. So hard that I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

I know my life is not special, neither is her. I know I'm not living in a movie where everything is going to work out the way I wanted to, but I just wish I've could really accept that she is gone and she is never coming back...

But this sh*t is haunting my life, and I don't know what to do anymore!

I've changed my job, my religion, got into a gym, f*cked ten other women, made out with countless...
I don't know what else do I have to do.

Maybe moving to another country is an option...

 

[Aesthetix29]

Mate i was with my ex for 6 years which ended almost 3 yrs ago now but i was still having bad days almost 2yrs later but dont seem to have tm anyme well and truely moved on... it effects everyone differently, just keep your head up.. and go on dates etc..

 

[Partizan]

I used to be absolutely obsessed with an ex from college for a long time. Then I saw some pics a few years later where she grew into a fatty. That go me over her once and for all.

 

[hudpes]

Instead of repressing the feelings and thoughts of her, you should allow them to bounce around your mind freely, but don't consciously dive into fantasy or act on the thoughts. Once you're not afraid to think of her, she will become a common memory and the pull will lose its momentum.

 

[sylvester the cat]

10-20 years will take of her.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Instead of repressing the feelings and thoughts of her, you should allow them to bounce around your mind freely, but don't consciously dive into fantasy or act on the thoughts. Once you're not afraid to think of her, she will become a common memory and the pull will lose its momentum.

The thing is, I was not afraid of thinking and talking about her anymore...

She was dead to me. Really, dead and gone. Cremated and the ashes spread.
I've actually got everything she gave me, and burned them...So it was easy for me to talk about it.

But hearing about her, it was like hearing from the dead. She came back alive.

When I went NC, I went full NC. I've never checked her facebook, twitter, instagram, or whatever sh*t kids are doing these days. I've deleted everything that I had on my computer, cellphone.

I needed Brutal No Contact, and I've got it.

So as time went by, she became nothing but a distant memory...

Now she is alive again, single, with a new job, living on her own, and sending kisses to f*ck my head up!

All of this while she is not giving a single f*ck about me!

 

[Albatross953]

I had a full AFC emotional affair as my marriage self destructed. Call it a revenge affair. I was in deep. Four years later I still dream about her sometimes. Even though she looks way older, heavier, sluttier. The CC has not been kind to her.

What helps me, and might help you is realize its an addiction. All brain chemicals. And recovery from it isn't a straight line. Its more like waves in a bathtub. NC just means no one is stirring it up.

You can have setbacks, but they will die off faster and faster. Just accept this as part of nature. Be patient and give yourself time, and take the right actions.

All the best.

 

[SmooveMooves]

First off: Don't move to another country because of her.

-That's a little OD

If you move, please allow it to be because that's what you want to do, and it would be good for your life, not because you were trying to get over a chick

You've already done the usual things we DJs do to move on, but I will share this.

There is still this one chick I think about every so often, she's always lurking in the back mind. The connection I had with her was like no other chick, and that's me saying that currently as a DJ.

She turned out to be a big slvtbag on steroids, but even with that fact I still think and care about her.

The sex, the connection, the laughs, the similarities, and she looked good too. When I was with her I got looks and stares, it was crazy.

That was 3 and half years ago and I still think about her, I know her current boyfriend, how long they been together, what her plans are, all that.

I even caught myself thinking of her yesterday, before I read this.

I've fvcked plenty of other women since her and have had numerous relationships, so what I'm trying to say is-

I can relate

Most of us can, I know a lot of us have that one special chick although she's not always too special.

Basically bro, you gotta keep pushing, keep up all you're doing and make sure your still actively improving your life, this is a big part.

Always be following the cliche, On to bigger and better things

I'm sure more opportunities will arise.

Your not going to be able to cold turkey stop thinking about her.

But I promise you, time is really the best medicine.

As time moves on, it gets better.

"Time heals all"

Keep pushing my man.

-Smoove

 

[Rival]

Yeah man I have a very similar experience as to yours OP. The whole experience was ****ing crazy. **** happened I never expected or saw coming.

She's engaged now and "hates" me.


You just gotta look at it for the good. There's always two sides to the coin. Take from it what was good and you will look back it one day.

I still get sad sometimes thinking about her and our past relationship (we are all human after all) I think that's natural.

Keep your head up man.

 

[yoyoing]

Did you try and reconnect with her ?!
Invite her for a cofee or something. You might feel better afterwards. I think after a year or more all the afc stuff gets forgotten.
I mean everybody act AFC at some point after a break up or something. A lot of people on the forum beat themself for it ( me included) because we understand better then Other the unconscious dynamic of relationship.
A lot of this is in your head. It might be good to take action and try to reconnect. It will remove her from the pedestal you put her on.

 

[pbsurf]

The thing is, I was not afraid of thinking and talking about her anymore...

She was dead to me. Really, dead and gone. Cremated and the ashes spread.
I've actually got everything she gave me, and burned them...So it was easy for me to talk about it.

But hearing about her, it was like hearing from the dead. She came back alive.

When I went NC, I went full NC. I've never checked her facebook, twitter, instagram, or whatever sh*t kids are doing these days. I've deleted everything that I had on my computer, cellphone.

I needed Brutal No Contact, and I've got it.



So as time went by, she became nothing but a distant memory...

Now she is alive again, single, with a new job, living on her own, and sending kisses to f*ck my head up!

All of this while she is not giving a single f*ck about me!

Sometimes I wonder if hardcore no contact is giving too much power to them...

Anyway, don't worry about it mate. Just dust yourself off. I broke NC over the weekend and was so mad and depressed afterwards that I didn't get out of bed for 20 hours.

Some of this is not AFC - we are all human and yes, we have emotions, which can be very hard to control

 

[Albatross953]

Did you try and reconnect with her ?!
Invite her for a cofee or something. You might feel better afterwards. I think after a year or more all the afc stuff gets forgotten.
I mean everybody act AFC at some point after a break up or something. A lot of people on the forum beat themself for it ( me included) because we understand better then Other the unconscious dynamic of relationship.
A lot of this is in your head. It might be good to take action and try to reconnect. It will remove her from the pedestal you put her on.

Respectfully disagree. You'd just be feeding her ego at your expense. I highly doubt you'd gain any perspective. What you need is time and motion.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Edit: Wrong thread

 

[Lotus Effect]

First off: Don't move to another country because of her.

-That's a little OD

If you move, please allow it to be because that's what you want to do, and it would be good for your life, not because you were trying to get over a chick

There is no reason to lie to anyone in here.

All I've done was not in order to impress her for when the magical day when she returned she would be in awe by the new me...

No! Not at all! I changed for myself. I changed because I've realised that I was a sh*tty man, with no plans, goals or meaning in life. I changed because I knew I had it in me to become the best man that I could.
But as I've said, there is no reason to lie to you guys. I've done all of that in order to recover and get over this girl.

So it would be an yes. If I went abroad it would most deffinetely be to get over her as well. I'm sure I would improve as a man, and I do believe that it would be a massive exp gain for myself and my personallity...

But I would be doing it to, better put, move on with my life!

That was 3 and half years ago and I still think about her, I know her current boyfriend, how long they been together, what her plans are, all that.

I even caught myself thinking of her yesterday, before I read this.

I've fvcked plenty of other women since her and have had numerous relationships, so what I'm trying to say is-

I can relate

Most of us can, I know a lot of us have that one special chick although she's not always too special.

I know we can all relate, and that is why I started this thread by itself, and not on the NC challenge. This is beyond NC!

This is a situation that happens to all of us at some point in life!

I thank you for everything you told me man. I do believe that time heals everything. But I don't believe it is right what you are allowing yourself.

I didn't knew squat about my ex's life. I know this little piece of nothing now and it is hurting me so much!
I know I can't go cold turkey on thinking about her. And I know we can't control every aspect of our lifes, but I'll do as much as I can to not know about her life, because I know it WILL hurt me for sure! If I know nothing, all I'll have is the old memories. Memories that time will be so kind to take away.

I do believe it saddens you after so long, because you allowed yourself to know what is going on with her life. It is not your business anymore. She decided that long ago. That's why I believe that all contact should be cutted!

Did you try and reconnect with her ?!
Invite her for a cofee or something. You might feel better afterwards. I think after a year or more all the afc stuff gets forgotten.
I mean everybody act AFC at some point after a break up or something. A lot of people on the forum beat themself for it ( me included) because we understand better then Other the unconscious dynamic of relationship.
A lot of this is in your head. It might be good to take action and try to reconnect. It will remove her from the pedestal you put her on.

Man, how I'd wish to believe this. I know I've tried a coffee date 3 months after we've broke up, and I know where it got me.

And things might be different this time around. I know 2 couples that break up, reconnected after a long while (1 to 3 years), and are now married.

But the thing is. She knows exactly what she did to me. And how she left me. If I did reengaged with her, I would just validate her power over me. That she knows she has.

As Albatross and pbsurf said, I don't think this is a good idea.

She is the one who dusted me. She is the one who left me. I've tried everything to get back together with her and all it did was getting me worse, and making me despise even more!

If I got back in touch with her, things might even work out for whatever reason, but what would happen for sure is that she will hold all the power all over again, and if I've got in a relationship with her holding all the power, things would derail faster than a cannonball.

Afterwards, I'd be broken again, with no perspective, and as Albatross eloquently put, she would be feeding her ego (which I know is not as beautifull as her) at my expense!

And if there is something I've learned in my run, and if I'm to back all these green dots under my name, is that the above situation is not acceptable!

So, in the disney scenario, for things have a slight chance of working out, she has to be the one who initiates contact...
Directly to me, and not via third part as it happened!

Which sadly, since we aren't in the Magic Kingdom in Orlando, is not happening!

Maybe I should Czech this Rupublic out though!

 

[yoyoing]

I don't know. I think people sometimes overthink that power dance.
The problem is that you acted needy over the break up. But a long time has pass by.
Forget what she has seen and focus on what she will or other girl will see in the future.

If you don't want to commit and give power away. You can dip your toe in the water by sending her a simple. Hey how are you doing text. You see what she answer. You wait at least a couple of hour in between reply. Engage in small talk. And ideally let her come up with the idea of a meeting.

Then you go there confident and happy and act like you don't give a ****.

My cousin went Terrible AFC and he ended up getting her ex back and marrying after a year.

I dumped a girl very hard and she kept in contact with me and ended up taking her back after a while.

Depends a lot of the reason of the break up , intensity of the relationship etc...

I do think hardcore nc can't give ex too much power.
But contrary to a lot of what has been said here I believe when there was a really strong connection/love on both side thinks can possibly be reignited again.

I had a very tough break up me too that is taking time getting over. If I was in a better place mentally and physically I would not hesitate to recontact my ex and see where it could go.

It is not because you make contact that it is AFC and loosing power. It's what you say and how you act.

I mean don't go there asking to get back after a year that would be pathetic. But nothing wrong with taking the temperature and seing where things could go. If you feel like there's nothing there anymore just move on. Might be easier after you take some kind of action.

 

[yoyoing]

Ohh yeah ! I forgot to add.
If you end up texting her . Just say ''how are you.'' .
Let her wonder what is it you want. And act or text in a way that doesn't make her think you want to get back or are still not over her.

What happened on that diner date 3 months after ?!

 

[Lotus Effect]

I don't know. I think people sometimes overthink that power dance.
The problem is that you acted needy over the break up. But a long time has pass by.
Forget what she has seen and focus on what she will or other girl will see in the future.

If you don't want to commit and give power away. You can dip your toe in the water by sending her a simple. Hey how are you doing text. You see what she answer. You wait at least a couple of hour in between reply. Engage in small talk. And ideally let her come up with the idea of a meeting.

Then you go there confident and happy and act like you don't give a ****.

My cousin went Terrible AFC and he ended up getting her ex back and marrying after a year.

I dumped a girl very hard and she kept in contact with me and ended up taking her back after a while.

Depends a lot of the reason of the break up , intensity of the relationship etc...

I do think hardcore nc can't give ex too much power.
But contrary to a lot of what has been said here I believe when there was a really strong connection/love on both side thinks can possibly be reignited again.

I had a very tough break up me too that is taking time getting over. If I was in a better place mentally and physically I would not hesitate to recontact my ex and see where it could go.

It is not because you make contact that it is AFC and loosing power. It's what you say and how you act.

I mean don't go there asking to get back after a year that would be pathetic. But nothing wrong with taking the temperature and seing where things could go. If you feel like there's nothing there anymore just move on. Might be easier after you take some kind of action.

I'm also not into this cold-warish kind of thinking like:
"I should be the all powerfull and all-might power controller"

But the thing is, I know I still have feelings for this girl, and even though I've came a long way ever since the breakup, chances are big of me screwing it all up by not playing it cool...

That is for the simple fact that "cool" should not be played. "Cool" just have to be!

And in case I screw myself up, I would have lost all this time of recovery in the blink of an eye.

The minute I text here, even if it is a harmless 'hi', I'm back to ground zero again. Not just months and months of no contact, but all the fragile and slow recovery!

So, even though I believe I could pull it off, and I've seen cases of people getting back together, this is a very dangerous advice to give to a somewhat desperate man!

I thank you for it, 'cause it is reason from the other side, but if I send her a Hi, and don't get the response I want afterwards, I'll go spiralling down!

 

[yoyoing]

Well . If you just say hi , how are you ?!
Check her answer.
If she goes no contact or blow you off. You might go spiralling out of control but it will burst your balloon and then you can heal:

But you might be right. Maybe not a good idea if you are still desperate and not ever her. It always depends of the situation.

One thing is for sure this girl holds a lot of power in your life and it seem like the NC thing is only making it grow.

You have a link to your break up story ?!

 

[Lotus Effect]

Ohh yeah ! I forgot to add.
If you end up texting her . Just say ''how are you.'' .
Let her wonder what is it you want. And act or text in a way that doesn't make her think you want to get back or are still not over her.

What happened on that diner date 3 months after ?!

It was a coffee date in fact.

Anyway, it went really well. But the thing is that I've tried to played super cool, showing all these new things about me, which were all fake btw.

But, at the moment, I could have made out with her. But since aparentelly things went so well, I decided leaving it to another date. Exactly as you proposed above. Sadly the second date never came. She flaked on me relentlessly, up until the point she, as I can see is usual of her, told a third part "He is still talking to me"

Which I can 100% guarantee you, hurts like a mother flipper. Specially when it comes from the one you love!

So, as I've said earlier. It is a noble Idea. I've seen working a couple of times. But I've seen failing many more.

She ain't special. I'm not special as well.

I'll take my chances of suffering the pain of not forgeting about her so soon, than go talking to her and f*ck myself up for good!

As I've said. Imagine if I send her a "Hey, what's up" and don't get nothing back. I don't believe it would happen, as she would much rather strategically f*ck me up, but if it did, I'll be f*cked for sure!

Bottomline, I'm doing ok without her. Not doing great. But ok is better than borderline suicidal!

Well . If you just say hi , how are you ?!
Check her answer.
If she goes no contact or blow you off. You might go spiralling out of control but it will burst your balloon and then you can heal:

But you might be right. Maybe not a good idea if you are still desperate and not ever her. It always depends of the situation.

One thing is for sure this girl holds a lot of power in your life and it seem like the NC thing is only making it grow.

You have a link to your break up story ?!

Yeah, this might be true...

I'll search for the links and post them in a minute!

 

[sylvester the cat]

Wait OP. Are you saying you only went on one date with this girl and you never kissed or slept with her?